Forgive me

Prologue

It had been almost a year since Qui-Gon Jinn had excepted Obi-Wan Kenobi as his Padawan learner. After what happened with his last Padawan, Qui-Gon made it very clear to the council that he didn't want another one. Somehow though his long-time friend Mace Windu and Master Yoda had convinced him to take Obi-Wan on.

He wasn't happy about it but he agreed to train the boy as best he could. However, he was reluctant to let Obi-Wan into his heart. He had learned his lesson. And he was determined not to make the same mistakes.

To Qui-Gon's surprise though he quickly became very comfortable with Obi-Wan as his Padawan. He was quiet and calm, he paid attention, he didn't argue with him, he was ahead in all his studies and he never asked anything of him. At first, he thought it was a bit odd, but he quickly dismissed it and accepted that that was simply how Obi-Wan was. And he was glad about it, the last thing he needed was a needy Padawan constantly begging for his attention.

Obi-Wan stood in front of the door to the apartment he shared with his Master. He looked at it as if considering whether or not to enter. He always dreaded coming back to the apartment at the end of the day. It wasn't that he didn't like Master Jinn, more that Master Jinn didn't like him. He was so happy when he was finally accepted by a Jedi Master. He had been so afraid that no one would. So, he was determined to be the best Padawan he could be. And to be Qui-Gon Jinn's Padawan was truly an honour.

But as it seemed he couldn't do anything right. His Master never praised him, or told him that he had done a good job, hell, he didn't even smile at him. Was he such a bad apprentice? Recently he had started to wonder whether he should just give up. He used to be so sure that he would become a Jedi Knight, but now he wasn't anymore. It had been a year now and he still wasn't any closer to getting Master Jinn to like him. All the other Padawans had great relationships with their Masters, why couldn't he?

With a sigh, he finally opened the door. What he saw was exactly what he expected to see. His Master was sitting on the sofa looking at his data pad. He didn't even look up as Obi-Wan entered. "Good evening Master" Obi-Wan said with a slight bow, knowing full well that Qui-Gon couldn't see it. "Good evening" Qui-Gon responded, still not looking up. Knowing that he wouldn't get much else from him, Obi-Wan made his way to his room, he put the data pad he was holding on his desk and then walked into the fresher to take a shower.

Obi-Wan looked at his reflection in the mirror. He noticed the rings that were beginning to form under his eyes and sighed "I should probably stop revising so late into the night" he said to himself. He then turned his attention to the long thin braid hanging down to his shoulder. He ran his fingers down it, smiling slightly. He was a Padawan, he was Qui-Gon's Padawan. It didn't matter that Qui-Gon wasn't proud, that he didn't like him, that he didn't want to get to know him. It's OK, Qui-Gon was there to train him, not love him and that's what he was doing. And one day he'll be a Jedi and he would be happy.

Obi-Wan's face dropped. Happy? Would he be happy?

He was pulled from his thoughts as he heard Qui-Gon call for him. With one last look in the mirror he made his way to the kitchen where his Master was already waiting for him. Obi-Wan sat down and waited for Qui-Gon to start eating before starting himself. They ate in silence, as usual. Obi-Wan had gotten used to the silence and he knew better that to start a conversation. So, he just sat there and ate, hoping that his Master would say something like he occasionally did.

To his surprise today was one of those days.

Qui-Gon was lost in thought. He was absentmindedly eating whilst trying to think of how best to plead his case to the council tomorrow. He decided to briefly turn his attention to his Padawan though. "How was your day?" He asked. He realised that the question sounded a bit formal and distant, but Obi-Wan smiled non-the less. "Good." Obi-Wan wished he could've said more but there really wasn't much to tell. Qui-Gon however seemed satisfied with his answer and turned his attention back to his thoughts before Obi-Wan could ask in return.

After they had finished eating Obi-Wan took the plates and washed up before following his Master into the living room. Obi-Wan noticed that Qui-Gon seemed troubled. He was probably still thinking about the council meeting he had tomorrow. Feeling that he ought to do something he took a deep breath and cautiously spoke up. "Master?" Qui-Gon was pulled from his thoughts and turned to his Padawan who stood awkwardly to the side.

He was frustrated because he couldn't seem to think, he was nowhere near being ready for the council, and the meeting was tomorrow. Clearly that frustration was showing because Obi-Wan tensed as he turned to face him.

Determined to continue despite his Masters frustration, Obi-Wan took another deep breath. "You seem troubled Master. Perhaps I can help you with something" Obi-Wan regretted his words as soon as he had said them. He knew better. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut?

Qui-Gon looked a bit taken aback. He looked troubled? He was glad that Obi-Wan would offer his help, but there really wasn't anything he could do. "That won't be necessary. You have homework to do" Qui-Gon said as he started to turn away from Obi-Wan again. "I don't actually, I really could help…" Obi-Wan continued, kicking himself because he knew Qui-Gon was dismissing him.

"No" Qui-Gon said more harshly than he had intended. He was tired and frustrated about the council meeting. He knew Obi-Wan would understand. He ran his hands tiredly across his face "What help could you possibly be? All I need is some peace and quiet so I can concentrate. Why don't you go to bed Obi-Wan?" He said and then turned his attention back to his thoughts and didn't see Obi-Wan's face as he said "Of course, sorry. Good night Master"

Obi-Wan didn't wait for a response before hurrying to his room and closing the door behind him. He immediately fell onto his bed and started crying. He felt so foolish. Why did he have to go and do that? He was such an idiot. Why did he think he could possibly be of any use to Qui-Gon? He was useless and didn't deserve to be a Padawan. And now he was crying about it like a child. "Maybe it would be better if I just died" he whispered to himself.