hello! my other one-shot had pretty good reception which made me super happy. thank you everyone! as promised, a happier sequel (though it starts off sad). i hope you enjoy it.
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lullaby
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She still dreams of him.
Even though it's been five lonely, summer-less years, without a trace or wind of that dauntless, invincible pair – dragon-slayer and cat – she still dreams. In those fleeting moments, she feels like she isn't drowning, and that maybe she'll be alright.
It is when sunlight casually filters through her billowy white curtains that she wakes and realizes that none of it is real. Lying in bed, golden locks spilled in disarray, she tells her pathetic heart and the unshed tears that blur her vision to leave her alone. It is irritating. It's too early. It's nothing new. At IKEA, she browses through heavier drapes, but she is indecisive as usual.
In the mirror, she watches as the girl in the reflection dies a little more with each passing day – a paper girl crumbling in on herself – and she sighs, shaking her head. She has tried talking sense into that faded girl with the starless eyes, but she would only stare back in silence. She wonders what flowers that girl would like.
Sometimes, she prefers to not sleep and sits on the window sill, drinking green tea till dawn. Her emotions, usually sharp as blades, are the most subdued in the early hours when even the sparrows aren't up. It is like she is watching herself at a distance. It is like being reborn and awakening into another era.
But mostly, if she's being honest, she wants to sleep (it's when she can see him again). And sleep evades her (it's like she's trying to catch her shadow) so she reads short stories about destiny and nobility and a beautiful viridian-blue sea. They don't make sense, and have the indirect effect of lulling her to semi-consciousness; she falls asleep to the memory of his warmth and his excited voice.
He'd say, Let's go on an adventure Lucy!
And she'd smile and take his hand, Okay.
She hates how she breaks into pieces after every visit from him (– after every nightly rendezvous with him –) but never does she wish for the dreams to fade. Because that would be the day she truly died.
(How many times can a person shatter anyway?)
Erza says that her line of thinking is not how one heals – that she should cry. To be exact:
"You need to cry in order to heal," Erza had said, gripping her shoulders and peering into the dark quiet eyes of a mostly-dead soul. "It's as Isak Dinesen says: the cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears or the sea."
Maybe I don't want to heal, ever thought of that? It's the reason why she's only cried once. The only other cure is time. She can't stop time, but she'll be damned if she lets her brimming tears fall. If she heals, he'll fade away into the back of her mind. She doesn't want that. Even if it's too much to handle sometimes, she wants to feel his constant presence and his glaring absence wherever she goes. (Every time she grabs a milk carton at the grocery store to put in her cart, she can hear him arguing to purchase chocolate milk and fish instead.)
"I'll heal when he returns," she explained to Erza, smiling. "When he returns, I'll get my good night's sleep. In fact, maybe it'll be so good, I won't wake up for days, months, years. Maybe you should worry about that instead." She thought it was pretty funny, but Erza didn't laugh.
She let out a small breath and continued, "Do fairies have tails? Maybe yes. Is he truly gone? . . . maybe yes. But how do we know without seeing for ourselves? Without seeing, it remains an open question and I don't see why I need to believe one side over the other when nothing is confirmed. How can I heal without closure? To do so would be like saying, 'Let's not ask about it anymore and say that fairies do not have tails.' But what if they do? You can pick a side, but you can't stop wondering."
There was a flaw in her argument, and she knew that Erza knew that she knew. Being blind to the facts of the universe did not make them untrue. But Erza had just hugged her in reply, not saying a word, like she was trying to protect her. From what, Lucy didn't know.
Like every other night, she closes her eyes and dreams of him returning. So they can sit together on grassy rolling hills surrounded by sakura petals (until he gets bored and tries to light her hair on fire, in which case she threatens to not cook for him and he whines in reply about how cruel she is).
And it begins.
She hears someone at her window (swearing, maybe?) and then something like knocking against the glass and she snorts to herself – because, when has Natsu ever knocked to be let in through her window? He came and went like he owned the place (when really, this place didn't belong to either of them).
She finds it strange that her memory-dream has such an error, but dismisses it because she can smell his signature scent of burning embers and bright autumn. It's stronger than usual and there's something else she can't quite pinpoint, but it doesn't stop her from missing him all the more.
She can feel him crawl into bed behind her and she loves how his nose pokes its way into her hair to get a deep sniff (like a dragon would) and the way he burns like the sun. It feels all too real – his soft breathing against her, his lean and gentle form – and she never wants to wake up. She could sleep her life away if everything stayed like this.
He embraces her tightly like it's the end of the world and all the stars died. It's a curious thing because he doesn't say anything like usual. No smart remarks or annoying comments that make her eye twitch and her heart ache. This time, he simply holds her like he misses her as much as she misses him (all five years) and she's fine with that.
He's very different this time. She's afraid this means that his dream-self can't visit her anymore. Maybe he heard what she said to Erza a while back so he's telling her to let go, telling her good bye for real.
"Don't go," she chokes out. It's stupid to desperately cling to him when he's only made up of sleepless nights and long ago memories and so much heartbreak, but she doesn't care. He's not real, but she's okay with pretending. She waits for him to say, I can't come around anymore if it stops you from healing and feeling happy again. Take care Lucy, and don't worry, I'll see you around on the flip side.
But he doesn't.
He says, "Not going an'where. 'm sleepy tho. Talk in a few hours, 'kay?"
Relieved, she falls asleep the way you do when you prefer flowery dreams over real life.
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The next morning, Lucy distinctly feels an arm draped over her. An arm that is attached to a body of some guy.
It's still too early for anything, much less thinking, but one thought clearly registers in her brain: a random guy is sleeping with her in bed.
Because this hasn't happened since Natsu (he's gone), she does the only natural thing there is in such a situation: she screams and kicks the pervert off her bed.
"Oww… Luigi, what was that for? Some of us are trying to sleep here."
"You better leave this instant, intruder, or . . . or . . . I'll Lucy-kick you and call the police!"
"Ugh, why are women so loud?"
When her brain finally takes in the male with salmon-coloured hair (messy as always), her heart stutters. He sits on the floor, scratching his neck, and he runs a hand through his hair, face grumpy from being so rudely woken. He sits there like he never left.
"You owe me toasted chocolate chip pancakes with extra bacon for randomly waking me up at this hour!" Then he mutters, "I can't believe you threatened to Lucy-kick me. How cruel."
He gets back into the bed, pulling her down with him, the warm sheets covering them once more.
She stares at him.
As if sensing her stare, he opens his sleepy eyes and stares right back.
"What?"
"You're back." It's hard to know what to believe – maybe she really is too broken. Usually dream-Natsu disappears when morning came, like a vampire. She has tried hugging dream-Natsu before and has always come up with air (she doesn't try anymore, because the illusion lasts longer that way). If he is real, then . . . She decides to test her theory and pokes his cheek.
. . . He's real, her mind supplies, bewildered.
"Yup." He pokes her cheek back. She feels the touch. "And you're a weirdo."
"Am I dreaming still?" Because otherwise, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense, like how those stories don't make sense – about seas that are the colour of blue jade, seas that are ever present and ever constant.
His gaze softens and he wipes away tears that she doesn't realize are on her face.
He kisses her on the forehead. A touch that is also very real.
"Yeah, I'm back. No more dragon-slayer-and-exceed, male-only adventures anymore. No more almost-dying-and-disappearing-off-the-face-of-Earthland journeys, I swear. Now go to sleep. You look terrible." He says the last part with so much affection, she doesn't feel ruffled at all.
"Okay."
She closes her eyes and easily drifts off to a dreamless sleep – because she has no need for dreams when a certain fire dragon-slayer is back.
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Lucy makes the bed as Natsu demolishes his leaning tower of chocolate chip pancakes (with extra bacon) and Happy eats his fish cakes at a more reasonable speed. She feels a violently cold draft and goes to close the window when she realizes the glass isn't there.
"Natsu Dragneel! How dare you melt my window?!"
"Well, the window was locked," he says in between bites, like it is a perfectly acceptable explanation. Which it is not. "How else was I supposed – Gah! I'm sorry!"
Lucy skillfully wields a frying pan and Natsu dives behind the couch, in hiding, feeling very sorry for himself and his choice of melting said window. Happy continues to eat his fish cakes, watching with amusement.
When Lucy sees him seeking refuge behind the couch, she finds herself unable to hold back the smile that's gracing her lips. She laughs at how quickly this mundane sort of routine is back in place and because she's complete again. She finds that Natsu is grinning right back, and he starts to laugh too.
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not sure how i ended up writing 3x the length of the first one. oh, and did anyone spot the pun? :P
- origami fish