Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or The Wizard of Oz, for which you will all be truly thankful when this is done.
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Vader stood as Palpatine gave him yet another pointless assignment, yet another useless world to take over. Yet more dirty work for Vader to do for Palpatine to keep the Emperor's precious name clear – as if he wasn't universally hated and feared already.
And it would have to be Tatooine this time. Why, of all the worlds in the galaxy, the Emperor would want the big sandbox was beyond him, although he suspected the purpose of attacking it was actually to irritate Vader.
-- "And kill any who resist," concluded Palpatine. How many times had Vader heard that? Suddenly, something in him snapped.
"You know what? No. Enough. I've had it with this Empire thing!" Quicker than lightning, he whipped out his lightsaber and brought it down on Palpatine's head, slicing him in two.
The Sith fell to the floor, the dark side ebbing away with his passing. Vader waited for something to happen – death, an alarm sounding, anything – but there was nothing.
"Well," he said at last. "That was anticlimactic."
Just to make things more exciting, he searched Palaptine's body and found his lightsaber, then chucked it through the nearest window. A current of air rushed out into space, nearly carrying him with it, but his suit kept him alive. When the pressure had stabilized, he used the Force to open the blast doors causing another, smaller windstorm, and squeezed his way through, shutting the doors behind him.
He stood for a while, wondering what to do with himself now that the man who had been his Sith Master and the leader of the Empire was dead. He used the Force to call a holobook of names and addresses to his hand. He scanned it for any names that looked interesting. The Wizard of Dagobah! That looks intriguing. Dagobah, here I come!
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On the planet below sat Luke Skywalker. He was supposed to be cleaning the droids his uncle had purchased yesterday afternoon, but he couldn't find the Windex, so he was daydreaming instead. He thought about what his father might have been like, and wished he had known him before he had become Darth Vader.
Luke was actually supposed to have cleaned the droids last night, but he'd gotten sidetracked playing with his toy starfighters, and the little astromech had escaped. So, he'd put the shiny gold one in the basket of his bike and started pedaling out into the night. He'd gotten almost two feet over the sand before the bike tipped over. Then sand got in the bearings of the bike and the wheels didn't turn very well, so he decided to go on foot. After a few hours of wandering, he and the droid were both caught by Tusken raiders, and Old Ben Kenobi, the hermit of the Jundland Wastes, had rescued him. Ben had rescued the other droid, too, but he made Luke wait at his home for dawn to come. While Luke was there, Ben told him stories of the Clone Wars. He also told Luke about his father. It seemed Luke's father had once been a Jedi Knight, but had gone down a Dark Slide for some reason. Ben said he had told Luke only to keep him from making the same mistake, but Luke didn't see how that was possible; his father was a Jedi knight, and he was just a moisture farmer. Moisture farmers couldn't go down Dark Slides, could they? Actually, there weren't any slides of any shade nearby that Luke knew of.
But now he wanted to meet his father. Then he realized that maybe he could! After all it wasn't like his father was dead, or anything. But how would he find him? He would need to use his brain, which was a problem because Luke didn't have one. He'd never really thought about it until one day someone had called him "brainless." When he asked Uncle Owen what that meant, he'd said it meant you didn't have a brain. At first it had bothered Luke that he didn't have one, but it didn't seem to matter much; he mostly just stayed on the moisture farm on Tatooine. But now, he needed a brain to find his father! Just because he felt like it, Luke suddenly burst out singing. "I would go and find my father if I only had a brain!"
He was interrupted when the shiny gold droid, whose name was C-3P0, came in from outside.
"What were you doing out there?" asked Luke.
"Oh! Master Luke! I was just trying to dissuade Artoo from escaping again, when suddenly a very strange object fell from the sky into the sand in front of me. Come, see for yourself!"
Luke followed the droid outside. There, in a crater in the sand, lay a very small object. It had some metal on it, but that was mostly melted away. The bulk of it was a red crystal of some sort. It was surrounded by a pool of glass, formed from the sand that had melted around it.
"Wow! It's a ruby! Must've been pretty hot!" exclaimed Luke.
"Yes, Artoo says it fell from outside the atmosphere. The friction would hve caused it to heat to extreme temperatures. If fact, I'm surprised that there's any of it left at all! According to my calculations, the chances that it would have vaporized before reaching the planet's surface are" –
"Fawheep Badeep Boodle—oo!" said the little blue droid, whose name was R2-D2, but was called Artoo for short.
"Oh, my!" said C-3P0. "Artoo here says that this thing is part of a lightsaber!"
"A lifesaver? Coooool!" exclaimed Luke. He hopped around, chanting "We got a Ruby Lifesaver, we got a Ruby Lifesaver" before calming down and asking, "What shall we do with it?"
"It should be returned to its proper owner," C-3P0 declared virtuously.
"Who's that?" asked Luke. "Hey, does this belong to Ben too?"
"It seems to me that we should ask the Wizard of Dagobah. He is very powerful and knows many things. He, I'm sure, would know who it belonged to."
"Okay! Hey, maybe he could even give me a brain to help me find my father!"
"Perhaps he could."
"Great! So, where does the wizard of Dagobah live?"
If droids could look confused, C-3P0 would have. "I believe he live on Dagobah."
"So how do we get to Dagobah?"
"We follow the hyperspace road!" replied C-3P0.
"Then I guess we'd better get someone to take us in a ship. Come on, let's go to the Mos Eisley spaceport to find ourselves a pilot! Then we'll follow the hyperspace road!'
From out of nowhere, a song began to play. The words were easy, so Luke sang along.
"Follow the hyperspace road! Follow the Hyperspace road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Hyperspace road! We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Dagobah!"
Luke skipped, Threepio waddled, and Artoo rolled into Mos Eisley. "Look! A cantina!" shouted Luke. "The perfect place to find a pilot!"
"My programming does not suggest that an intoxicated pilot is the safest option"—
"Whatever!" interrupted Luke. "Hey! Let's ask that guy!" He ran excitedly across the cantina, but slammed into a young woman wearing a long white dress and what had to be either large, outdated headphones or pastries on either side of her head.
"Idiot! Watch where you're going!" she snapped.
Luke pouted at her. "You're mean!"
She glared at him. "Mean is better than incredibly stupid."
"Who are you calling stupid?" Luke demanded.
"You, ridiculous imbecile!"
Luke pouted, tears forming in his eyes. "You hurt my feelings… wait, what is that?"
"What is what, dumbbell?"
"Ridiculous imbecile."
She rolled her eyes. " 'Ridiculous imbecile' means that you are the most pathetic, idiotic, brainless excuse for a sentient being I have ever seen in my life! Now, out of my way, ignoramus!"
She turned and stalked away, but Luke ran after her. "Is that a naughty word?"
She turned back around and stared at him balefully. "Really, with people like you around, it's no wonder I'm accused of being heartless!"
Luke's eyes widened. "Does that mean you don't have a heart?"
Her eyes flashed. "In a manner of speaking, yes."
"Really? Wow! Do you need a heart?"
She sighed in exasperation. "If I want to get re-elected as Senator, then yes. But, I don't know where to get one. They don't exactly sell them in the streets around here."
Luke jumped up. "I know where you can get a heart! My droids and I are going to see the Wizard of Dagobah! He's really wise and smart and all that, and we hope he'll be able to tell us who the Ruby Lifesaver we found belongs to! And I don't have a brain, so I'm hoping he'll give me one. Maybe he could give you a heart! Do you want to come with us?"
The woman considered for a moment. "Well, if he can give you a brain, he should certainly be able to provide me with a heart! I'm in!"
Than she just randomly sang a song, too. "I'd for sure get re-elected if I only had a heart!"
"What's your name?" asked Luke when the song ended.
"I'm Princess Leia. Who are you?"
"My name's Luke. Hey, both our names start with the luh sound. Are you wearing cinnamon rolls on your head?"
"Dimwit," she whispered under her breath, and went to talk to the pilot Luke had seen earlier. She miraculously managed to convince the man, whose name was Han Solo, and his first mate, Chewbacca the Wookie, to take them all to Dagobah, though not without paying and exorbitant price.
Then Luke taught the princess the song he had learned, and soon, all of them were on their way to the hangar where Han's ship was kept, Luke and Leia both skipping and screaming, "Follow the Hyperspace Road" at the top of their lungs.
"Oh, I do wish they'd stop singing," said C-3P0, struggling to be heard over the racket.
Artoo toodled something that meant, "Yeah, I wish they'd stop sinning, too."
"No, Artoo, they're singing, not sinning!"
"Oh, believe me, they are indeed sinning!"
They reached the hangar and boarded the ship (but not before the heartless Princess Leia had managed to offend Chewbacca by pushing him and calling him a walking carpet.) They were about to take off, when dozens of Imperial Stormtroopers filled the hangar.
"What's your problem?" Han yelled. "I'm not even smuggling anything this time; I'm just transporting some clients."
"Oh, by all means, take them,' said one of the troopers. "We'll be glad to have them off the planet. We just wanted to make sure you took this one, too." They tossed a Dug aboard the ship, then left Han to take his passengers where he pleased.
Luke crawled across the floor to the Dug, who sat in a frightened huddle in the corner. "What's your name?"
"Sam," it answered.
"What's the matter?"
"I was arrested for picking on people weaker than me."
"Well, why didn't you pick on people stronger than you, then? Or at least the same size!"
"Because I am too afraid! I haven't any courage, you see."
Luke brightened. "Well, that's okay, because we're going to see the Wizard of Dagobah! He's super smart and powerful, and he's going to tell us who the Ruby Lifesaver belongs to and give Princess Leia a heart and give me a brain! I'm sure he'd give you some courage, too!"
"Hooray!' yelled Sam the Dug. Then he sang a song like Luke and Leia had: "I'd beat up on everybody if I only had courage!"
Then they all began skipping around the ship, singing, "Follow the Hyperspace road! Follow the hyperspace road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Hyperspace road! We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Dagobah!"
They continued until they were near the planet of Dagobah, at which point Han Solo and Chewbacca got so fed up with their antics that they simply dumped them all out at the top of Dagobah's atmosphere.
Luke survived because, without a brain, he was technically already dead.
Leia survived because, without a heart, she was also technically already dead.
Sam the Dug survived because he was just plain too scared for his heart to stop pounding.
They crashed onto the surface of the planet. "Yay, we're on Dagobah!" they cheered.
Suddenly, they were all startled by a loud, deep, echo-y, scary voice.
"Who enters the territory of the Great Wizard of Dagobah?"
The voice was accompanied by loud metallic breathing, and shortly after, a tall figure clothed entirely in black and wielding a red lightsaber appeared.
"Darth Vader?" said Leia. "Dad?" said Luke. "You're the Wizard of Dagobah?" they exclaimed together. Sam the Dug hid.
"No, of course not," Vader answered. "He just has me greet people. Makes a much bigger impression."
"How did you get here?" asked Luke and Leia.
"Well, after I killed Palpatine this morning, I had nothing else on my calendar and I was bored, so I decided to come here, and the Wizard of Dagobah gave me a job as a greeter."
"You killed Emperor Palpatine?" said Luke in disbelief. "Does that mean he's dead?"
"Of course it does, knucklehead," said Leia, after applying her knuckles forcefully to Luke's head.
"Leia!" shouted Vader. "I don't want you treating your brother like that."
"Ewww, he's my brother?" she squealed. "Sorry, I can't help it! I'm heartless!"
"Obviously. So, I'll just get the Wizard of Dagobah, and he can deal with you all."
Vader disappeared behind a tree, and a tiny green figure with enormous ears appeared in his place. "I am wondering… why are you here?" it said in a scratchy voice.
C-3P0 stepped forward with the remains of the Ruby Lightsaber. "We were hoping the Wonderful Wizard of Dagobah would tell us what to do with this."
Darth Vader stuck his head out from behind the tree where he was hiding. "Wash it off, polish it up, and sell it to a jewelry store!" he yelled.
The Wizard nodded. "Right, he is! But more have you to say."
Luke explained how he needed a brain, Leia explained how she needed a heart, and Sam the Dug crawled out of hiding and explained how he needed courage.
The Wizard shook his head. He addressed Sam first. "Need courage, you do not! Send you to become a politician, I will!" He marched the Dug into a cave, where he disappeared from Dagobah forever, but instantly became a human politician on Planet Earth.
Next, he turned to Luke. "Need a brain, you do not! Send you to become an actor, I will!" He pushed Luke into the cave, and he disappeared from Dagobah forever, but instantly became a famous movie star on Planet Earth.
Finally, he turned to Leia. "Need a heart, you do not. Need a boyfriend, you do! Search the galaxy, you must, until you find someone with a big enough heart for both of you!"
So Princess Leia pulled out her pink Motorola Razr and phoned Han Solo to pick her up, and they went to Starbucks for lattés and cinnamon rolls. C-3P0 and R2-D2 went with them.
Back on Dagobah, Yoda observed to Darth Vader, "No place like home, there is – when being visited by your obnoxious children, we are not!"