I'm sitting on the porch as still as I can be. I have a huge weight on my shoulders as if the whole world is resting on me, waiting to see what greatness comes from me, but I can assure you it won't be much.
My mom sits next to me, "what's wrong baby?" She asks as she noticed my tears.
I'm scared to talk to her. I'm terrified of her reaction. " mom, I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot about things I shouldn't."
She looks scared for me. Like she wants to rescue me from hurting. I just hope she keeps thinking like that.
"Mom I've been having a lot of thoughts towards girls, and not just lately, but for a long time. I just don't want to disappoint you. I want you to love me even if I am gay." I try to say it all as clear as I can through tears but Her face is like a stone figure. Her eyes look lifeless. As if I just killed myself in front of her.
This happened once when I was five. I was sitting in the car with her to pick up my older sister from school. I sat in the back seat and it was silent. I was so young and I didn't know what I was asking, but I asked her to tell me what a lesbian was and she told me. I told her I might be that and she wouldn't even look at me the rest of the night. I was so confused but I knew liking other girls was wrong.
"No, you're not. It's okay to be confused. Everyone gets confused." She tried to console me but I don't need to hear I'm not or that I'm wrong about myself. It's that she still loves me.
I look at her to see if there's any emotion coming from her but there's not. Nothing.
"Demetria, I need to finish dinner it'll be ready soon." She gives me one last look and goes inside to finish cooking.
I'm left by myself to think. Sometimes that's not the best, especially when I feel like such an outsider. Like I don't belong and no one wants me.