A/N: My contribution to AceBeth week. Fulfilling an anon prompt from Tumblr. If you're waiting for my other stuff, no worries. It's coming eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later! Have a good week!
Beth presses her back against the wall and peers around the corner. She holds her breath, knowing she has to stay as quiet as possible. The tiniest of movements could give away her position.
A loud laugh erupts from around the corner. That's her cue. She holds up her gun, points it in front of her, and after a deep breath, swiftly steps away from the wall and –
Humph.
Runs really hard into someone and falls over?
Ouch.
"Move it, teeny."
Beth looks up as a shadow moves in front of the sun. Her back digs painfully into a particularly pointy woodchip.
"I'm not teeny."
"Yeah, well how old are you?" A girl in a black hoodie leans over Beth, crossing her arms and planting one sneaker-clad foot on either side of Beth's knees. She wears a backwards navy baseball hat. She looks really cool and also really scary. Beth gulps.
"Seven."
"Oh." The girl uncrosses her arms. "Me too." She glances around before looking back down at Beth. "Wha' are ya doin'?"
"You knocked me over," Beth says. Obviously. (She just learned that word. It means when something is really 100 percent for sure that even a moron could tell it is what it is.)
This girl is kind of dumb. Obviously.
"Wha' were ya doin' before tha'?"
Beth shrugs as much as she can while lying on a pile of woodchips. "Playing cops and robbers. I was the cop."
"Cops 'n' robbers? Tha's cool. Can I play wif ya?"
"Only if you let me up."
"Oh, righ'." The girl moves and Beth scrambles off the ground. "Sorry."
Beth shrugs. "Your accent is weird."
"Your accent is weird." The girl scowls and tries to stand up taller, but Beth isn't scared. They're the same age after all.
"No it's not."
The girl eyes her for a second. Beth stares back. Finally, the girl grins, gap-toothed and reckless. "I'm Sarah. Sarah Manning."
Beth grins back. "Elizabeth."
"Eli-va-beth." Sarah nods.
"No. Elizabeth."
"Elsabeth."
"Elizabeth. You have the Beth part right, which is good. My daddy calls me Beth."
"Elbabeth."
Beth shakes her head. "You can just call me Beth, too."
Sarah nods. "Okay, Beth."
"Yep." Beth grins again. "Alright, so the slide is our headquarters and up there where that boy is," Beth points to the platform near the monkey bars, "is where the robbers are."
Sarah looks up at the boy and smirks. "Cool. Let's go."
Beth nods and holds one finger to her mouth, telling Sarah to be quiet. She thrusts the other hand forward, thumb and pointer finger forming a fake gun.
They sneak around the slide, climbing the stairs onto the playground. Their shoes thump across the bridge. As they get to the platform, the boy is just reaching for the second monkeybar, one hand clumsily grabbing the first. Beth lowers her gun. Sarah reaches out and pokes the boy in the side.
"GOTCHU!"
"AHHHH!" The boy screams, hand scrambling to hang on, but he fails and his hand slides off the bar. He lands on his butt.
Sarah laughs hysterically. "Oh man, Fe, we got ya so good!"
The boy flips his unruly mop of hair from his eyes, glaring up at them. "SARAH! I HATE YOU! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO IT."
"Psh. No ya weren't."
"I'm tellin' Mrs. S!" The boy pushes himself off the ground and runs off.
"Crap," Sarah mutters. Beth cringes at the bad word. "Come on, Beth." Sarah takes her hand, pulling Beth off the playground. Sarah pulls her across the basketball court and to the trees that line the park to the left. Beth yanks her hand free, suddenly nervous.
"We can't go in there."
Sarah stops. "Why not?"
Beth looks back at the playground. It seems really far away. "My mom said I can't."
Sarah groans. "Where's your mum? Jus' go ask her. Tell her I've done it before."
"She's at work. I'm by myself."
Sarah shrugs. "Then she'll never know. Come on."
Beth shakes her head. "It's against the rules."
"Rules are stupid. They're just there so stupid people won't do it. We're not stupid."
Beth glances nervously in the trees. They don't look that scary. Just a little scary. She's a cop, she can do it.
"Some rules are meant to be broken. Come on, Beth."
Sarah holds out her hand and Beth takes it. She forms a fake gun with her other hand as Sarah pulls her into the trees.
They walk for a few minutes. A tree branch cracks under Sarah's foot. Beth gulps. A bird caws somewhere in the distance. Beth shivers. When she glances over her shoulder and realizes she can't see the playground anymore, she sniffles.
Sarah stops. "What's wrong?"
"I think we should go back, Sarah." Beth squeezes Sarah's hand really tightly.
"We don't hafta go any farther." Sarah sits down on a grassy patch, pulling Beth down with her. "Are ya scared?"
Beth doesn't want to seem like a weeny. She's seven. "No." She sniffles.
"It's okay. I'd be scared too, but I go' this." Sarah points to her baseball hat. "People can't recognize ya if ya go' the hat on. So nuffin' bad will happen."
Beth eyes the hat. "Really?"
"Yep." Sarah nods. Then her eyes get really big. "I know! Here!" She pulls the hat off and puts it on Beth's head instead.
"Won't they be able to see you now?" Beth adjusts the hat so it's pulled low over her eyes.
"Nope." Sarah reaches around her back, pulling the hood of her sweatshirt over her head. Her dark hair spills out around her neck. "See, now they can't see us!"
Beth grins. "Cool."
"SARAH!" A voice yells.
"Oh no," Sarah whispers, pulling on the strings of her hoodie. The fabric tightens around her forehead. "It's Mrs. S."
"Who's Mrs. S?" Beth whispers back.
"My foster mum."
"Your what?"
Sarah scowls. "Like, my fake mum. I don't gotta any real parents."
"Oh," Beth says.
"Sarah Manning, you'll get out of those trees this instant or you won't be gettin' supper for a week."
Beth's eyes widen. "No dinner for a week?"
Sarah rolls her eyes and flips her hood off. "She doesn't mean tha'. I better go though."
"Okay." Beth takes the hat off and holds it out to Sarah.
"Nah," Sarah says, smiling really wide. "You can keep it. I got my hood."
Beth puts the hat back on. "Will I see you again? We never got to finish cops and robbers."
Sarah nods. "Yeah, I can come back tomorrow."
"SARAH MANNING, IF YOU'RE NOT OUT HERE BY THE COUNT OF THREE…"
"Bye Beth."
"Bye Sarah."
Beth watches as Sarah moves through the trees, her sneakers disregarding branches and leaves, the crunch of the ground loud as she steps back onto the basketball court. Beth pulls the brim of new her hat down lower and grins.
She thinks she made a friend.
Beth didn't know this day would come. She supposes it was going to happen. Eventually. Or something. She just didn't realize that it would happen before it happened.
If that makes sense.
"So you did what?"
"I kissed him back." Sarah rolls her eyes. "He tasted like grape kool-aid."
"Behind the school?!"
Sarah slumps back on her pillows. "Yeah."
Beth gapes. "Sarah. You can't do that. That's against the rules."
"Rules are stupid. They're meant to be broken."
"Oh my God, you can't just say that every time you break a rule."
"Ummm, yeah, I can. Plus, we're thirteen now Beth. It's okay if we kiss some boys."
Beth feels her stomach drop. "We?"
Sarah quirks an eyebrow. "Yeah. Ya gotta try, dude. It's really fun I swear."
Beth grows quiet for a moment. "What does it feel like? Is it hard? I mean, is it slobbery?"
Sarah laughs, her voice growing deep like it sometimes has been lately. Mrs. S says they're going through puberty. "It feels good. Not slobbery." Suddenly her eyes get wide. She sits up, coming face to face with Beth.
"I could show ya. Tha' way ya can practice and won't be so nervous when ya do it later."
Beth bites her lip. "I don't know."
"Come on." Sarah tugs at the brim of Beth's baseball hat, knocking it off her head and onto the bed. Beth stares at her best friend.
"What if I'm bad?"
"Well, tha's why we're practicin', ain't it?"
"Right," Beth says, her voice an octave higher than normal, throat thick.
"'Kay, close your eyes, yeah?"
Beth closes her eyes. There's a brief moment where nothing happens, except for the anticipation growing in her bones. Then slowly, softly, Beth feels something press against her lips. She squeezes her eyes shut tight and the pressure disappears.
"Oi, relax. It's jus' me."
Beth takes a deep breath, her eyelids relaxing and muscle loosening. It's just Sarah, she can do this.
She feels the pressure on her lips again and she breathes deeply. The air smells like fresh laundry and Sarah. She moves her lips in reciprocation.
The sensation is weird. Sarah's lips are wet and soft, but the action feels stiff to Beth. Mechanical. Is this what it feels like to kiss? How do actors make it seem like it feels good when she watches on TV? Does it feel different with boys?
Sarah pulls away and Beth licks her lips.
"See, it feels pretty nice, yeah?"
Beth quirks an eyebrow. "I guess…" She shrugs.
"It will feel better once you do it with a guy." Sarah picks up Beth's hat and places it back on her head. "See, it's not so bad to break the rules."
Beth opens her mouth to say that no, it didn't feel that great to break the rules, but Mrs. S. beats her to it, appearing in Sarah's doorway with a spatula in hand. "What's this I hear about breakin' the rules?"
"Nothing," Beth spits out, jumping back from Sarah like she's been shocked. Sarah, as usual, keeps her cool much better than Beth.
"We're jus' jokin' around, S." Sarah smiles innocently.
"Don't you pull that with me, love." She locks eyes with Sarah. Beth tugs awkwardly on her hat. After a moment, Mrs. S looks away. "Are you staying for dinner, Beth?"
"Ummm," Beth stutters. "If… if that's okay."
"Of course it is, chicken." She points at Sarah with the spatula. "Be good, ya hear?"
"Yes, mum," Sarah mutters sarcastically.
Mrs. S rolls her eyes, but smiles fondly at them before walking away. Beth hears her stomp down the stairs. Her eyes lock with Sarah and they both burst out laughing.
"Your face!" Sarah says, cheeks turning red with laughter.
"Shut up," Beth giggles, hitting Sarah in the head with a pillow. "You know, S practically is your mom. You could be nicer to her."
Sarah rolls her eyes. "She's as borin' as a mum. Last weekend she took me bird wathcin'. Who gives a crap about herons and sparrows? Elderly people, tha's who."
Beth snorts. "Yeah, whatever."
"So," Sarah grins. "Am I a good kisser, or wha'?" Sarah puckers her lips, kissing empty air. Beth rolls her eyes and smacks her friend with the pillow again.
"I didn't feel a thing," Beth says.
"Bullshit," Sarah says.
Beth grins, but her stomach flops, an empty feeling leaking into her bones, and she wonders for the first time (but certainly not the last) why she didn't feel anything at all.
Everything about this night screams trouble to Beth.
"Sarah, I don't think we should be doing this," Beth whispers, one hand grasping the window ledge while the other carefully tries to find a good grip on the roof.
"You're almos' there," Sarah whispers back from the lawn.
Beth sighs. She supposes this is what sixteen-year-olds do on a Saturday night. Of course, she'd be happy to sit on the couch and watch shitty reality TV, but Sarah has never been one to be able to sit still. Especially since she started dating Cal Morrison.
"We have ta go out tonight, Beth, come on," Sarah had said after dinner. "We're hot. We're in our prime. We've got tits and you just got your braces off. We gotta get out there!"
Sarah jumped around with bottled up excitement, and Beth thought about how she was right, how their voices matured, their faces lost their baby fat. She looked at the picture of their twelve-year-old selves on Sarah's desk. Their faces looked older, but Sarah's confident smile was the same.
"Fine, but we're not climbing out the window."
Yet, here she is… climbing out the window.
"S will kill us if she catches us. This is definitely against the rules."
Sarah snorts from below. "Rules are stupid. They're meant to broken, especially by badasses like us." Beth isn't really sure she'd be a badass if Sarah hadn't been dragging her along on her idiotic schemes for nine years, but that's neither here nor there.
She manages to get off the roof without killing herself and making too much noise. Sarah slings an arm around her neck, face turned up to the sky, smiling her toothy grin. Beth rolls her eyes, but smiles good-naturedly as they walk the few blocks to the party.
When they get there, Sarah grabs her hand and leads her to the kitchen. A few people circle the counter, passing a bottle of cheap vodka around.
"Hey, look," Paul Dierden, Beth's friend from track, says. "It's clone one and clone two. About time you guys got here."
Sarah scowls and grabs the bottle of vodka from his hand. "Shu' up, Dierden, or I'll rip your bloody balls off."
Beth shrugs. It's not a secret her and Sarah are a package deal. Beth practically lives at her house since her parents got divorced and Mrs. S adopted Sarah and Felix. She might as well have just adopted Beth, too.
"Hey, Beth, you ready for our meet on Tuesday?" Paul smiles at her, all swagger and dimples.
She grins back. "Scarborough has nothing on us. We've got it in the bag."
"I'll drink to that!" He steals the bottle back from Sarah, tipping it back and grimacing at the burn. Then he hands the bottle to Beth.
She takes a deep breath, then lifts the bottle to her lips. She gags as the liquid hits her throat, but manages to keep it down.
"Like a pro," Paul says. Beth coughs out a laugh.
Their group migrates to the living room, bringing the bottle with them. They pass it in a circle, laughing and sharing stories. Sarah and Paul swap insults back and forth, and Beth watches her friend to make sure she's not causing trouble. Sarah has always been a firecracker and Beth learned very quickly that Sarah was all too eager to take a swing at anyone who looked at either of them even just a little bit funny.
Beth has taken more sips of shitty vodka than she cares to and it's past midnight when she realizes they've split off into pairs. Beth feels her face get hot when she notices she's closer to Paul than to anyone else. A few track people are talking with some swimmers on the couch and Sarah is glued to Cal Morrison's face over in the corner.
Paul has his hand on Beth's calf, and she feels her stomach flutter with nerves. She knows what's going to happen next. She has a brief flashback to three years ago, Sarah leaning in the same way, her eyes closing the same way.
Paul smells vaguely like cologne and vodka. His lips aren't as soft as Sarah's, but they're gentle and careful, as if he knows Beth needs slowness and control. She kisses him back, feeling warmth and bravery in her chest from the alcohol.
This isn't so bad, she thinks. It's not as good as everyone makes it out to be, but it isn't horrible. She kisses him back for a few minutes, wondering how long kissing is supposed to happen for.
"Oi, get your tongue outta my friend's mouth, ya fuck head."
Beth pulls away, her cheeks hotter than ever. She stares at Sarah, but she's too busy glaring at Paul to notice.
"What, you jealous that I'm not into punk-rock hoes, Sarah?" Paul grins cockily and Beth looks back and forth between them, uneasiness sharpening her vision.
Sarah snorts. "Bloody hell, as if. It just looked like she'd rather have nails in her mouth than your tongue."
Paul glances back at Beth before turning his icy blue eyes on Sarah. "She seemed fine to me. Unless you're jealous she's not with you instead."
"I'm no' even gonna answer tha'." Sarah rolls her eyes. "Come on, Beth. We gotta go, or S will kill us."
Beth nods and stands, her feet struggling to find solid ground. Sarah's arm comes around her waist.
"I'll text you, Beth," Paul says, and Beth grins.
"Okay." He is cute. And the kissing wasn't so bad.
"Fuck off, Dierden." Sarah drags her away, grip firm around Beth every time she wobbles as they walk down the street.
They make it back to Sarah's, quietly tip-toeing up the stairs in order to not wake up Mrs. S. Beth grabs a t-shirt and boxers from the drawer she keeps in Sarah's room. She sees her old baseball hat on the floor and picks it up, carefully placing it on Sarah's dresser. When she climbs into bed, she takes a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent of laundry and Sarah and her own shampoo. It's quiet in the darkness, the only sounds are hers and Sarah's breathing mixing with the air.
"So… Paul Dierden," Sarah says eventually.
Beth shrugs through a yawn. "He's cute. And he likes track."
"Hmmm," Sarah hums. Beth can feel her dark eyes staring at her and she turns over so they're face to face. "He's jus' kinda… douchey. He doesn't seem like your type."
"I haven't ever even had a boyfriend. How am I supposed to know my type?"
"I dunno," Sarah says. "I guess I always jus' imagined ya with some nerdy bloke who's really into like, I dunno, computers or somethin'."
Beth's mouth falls open. "What is that even supposed to mean?"
"I'm jus' sayin'!"
Beth snorts out a laugh. "Shut up and go to sleep, dipshit."
"Alright, alright." Sarah turns on her back. "Jus' be careful, yeah?"
Beth nods and turns on her side. That night she falls asleep with a smile on her face.
This is against the rules, she thinks, as she fingers Paul's belt loop.
Rules are meant to be broken, Sarah's voice says in her head.
It all started when she said her mom wouldn't be home. They've been dating six months now. Beth knows that means they're supposed to do something, but she's nervous, and when Paul tries to do more than kiss her, she feels like a robot.
Sarah didn't prepare her for this moment.
Sarah has had a lot of sex since she lost her virginity three years ago. She's told Beth a lot about it. She's told Beth what guys like and the best place to put her hands. Told her to punch them in the nuts if they tried to force her to do anything she didn't want to.
But she never told Beth what to do if she wanted to have sex, but when the time came, she felt so… blank.
She loves Paul. He's nice, and smart, and they go on runs together. She likes holding his hand, and being close to him, and even making out feels good most of the time.
But as he slides into her, she doesn't know what to do. She knows that first times are typically awkward and painful… but this feels wrong and empty and…
She clenches her eyes shut to keep from crying. She grabs his arms, toned from the gym and wrestling.
"Is this okay?" He whispers. Beth clears her throat and opens her eyes. He's looking at her worriedly, blue eyes gentle.
"I…" She glances away, uncertain.
"We can stop," he says, but he looks disappointed and Beth hates it.
"No," she mutters. "Keep going."
"Are you sure?"
She nods and closes her eyes again, grabbing his arms tighter.
When it's all over, she lays on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. She likes being close to him, but the feeling of relief that washes over her when he says he has to be home by curfew is overwhelming.
The next few times they try to have sex, Beth tries to engage, but she can't. Paul accuses her of not being into him and she is, but she can't explain it. He says she's unresponsive, which she knows is true, but she can't help it.
They break up and Beth wonders what's wrong with her.
College is good for Beth. Fresh start, new people.
Her roommate is this weird chick named Cosima who is really into science. Sarah lives on the floor above her and basically hates her roommate, who is this uptight girl named Alison. Sometimes the four of them hangout.
Beth likes them, even though Cosima smokes a lot of pot in the dorms, which Beth knows is totally against the rules, but she stopped caring a long time ago. Rules are stupid.
Cosima has this really cute girlfriend who is also really into science and has the hair of a goddess. Beth watches them together and feels a pang of longing sometimes. She misses Paul, but she doesn't want to feel that helpless again. College is a new start for her. She wants to focus on her.
Or at least that's what she tells herself, until one day she starts thinking that Sarah's roommate is probably the cutest thing on the planet.
And then she realizes.
Maybe she didn't like sex with Paul because she is gay.
Suddenly things make so much more sense.
So she hangs out with Alison, and they start getting closer, and when she kisses Alison for the first time, it feels good like it did with Paul.
They go on dates and they cuddle and they chill with Sarah and Cosima. Everything seems good.
Until they've been dating for five months and Beth still has no desire to have sex. She likes when Alison trails her fingers up her spine, but she doesn't feel a tug in her abdomen, doesn't feel like she needs anything more.
Alison hasn't said anything, but Beth knows that she might soon, and she starts freaking out. She doesn't want to feel like it did with Paul again.
One night when she's in the library and supposed to be studying for a midterm, she can't stop thinking about it. Maybe there's something wrong with her, medically speaking.
She pulls up Google. Why don't I want to have sex with anyone?
The results aren't something she expected, but she clicks on the first link.
An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction.
As she reads farther down the page, navigating through frequently asked questions and information, the more everything clicks inside her.
The word sounds weird, but she rolls it around on her tongue a few times.
Maybe there's nothing wrong with her after all.
"Oi, knock it off, bitch!"
Beth has Sarah in a headlock, tired of her best friend teasing her girlfriend for being uptight.
"Alrigh', alrigh'." Sarah stops struggling, holding up her hands in defeat. Beth lets go and Sarah stands up straight.
Alison and Cosima are at a biology exam, so the two of them decided to order pizza and play video games. When Sarah put her feet on the coffee table, Beth mentioned that she'd better make sure Alison doesn't come back and see her because she'd just go on a cleaning rampage. Then Sarah accused Beth of dating an "uptight bitch." That's when Beth put her in a headlock.
"I'm jus' sayin'. Ya know how to pick 'em, Beth." Sarah snorts. "Has she even let ya get to second base yet?"
Beth freezes. She hasn't told Sarah yet, mostly because she feels weird. She knows that Sarah accepts her dating a girl, knows that Felix is gay and it's never been a big deal to their family.
But Beth also knows that sex is a very central part to life for most people, no matter straight or gay.
"Actually, we have," Beth says nervously. "But we probably won't go any farther because… well because I think I'm asexual."
Sarah stares at her, mouth open and eyebrows quirked. She tilts her head to the side, and Beth shifts from foot to foot. "Wha'?"
"Asexual. Like I don't really want to have sex. Like ever. With anybody." Beth shrugs. "I thought, you know, after Paul, I might just be gay. But I don't know. I like boys, too, I think. I just don't want to have sex. It's weird. I feel weird, Sarah. I thought I was broken and stuff and… it's weird. I know."
"Broken?" Sarah crosses her arms. "What the hell made you think tha'?"
Beth glances away awkwardly. "I don't know. We're in college right? I should want to have sex. Like, society has these rules, you know? If you love someone, even sometimes if you don't love them, you have sex."
"Huh," Sarah says. Beth's cheeks heat up. Sarah, her best friend, who has had sex more times than Beth can count, probably thinks she's crazy.
But then Sarah smiles. A big smile that bleeds into a laugh.
"What?" Beth says, suddenly defensive.
"Nothin', nothin'," Sarah says, but she's still laughing. "It's jus', I dunno. It makes sense to me."
"Yeah, well. It makes sense to me, too." Beth grabs the back of her neck awkwardly.
"Yeah?" Sarah's giant grin softens, her eyes growing sad. "Why are ya all nervous? Did ya… did ya think I'd freak out or somethin'?"
Beth shrugs. "I mean, it's just different."
"Yeah, but you're my best mate. We've been friends for, wha', twelve years?" Sarah's arms fall by her sides.
"I know, I know, but…" Beth feels a pang of sadness in her chest. "This is really hard for me," she whispers.
Sarah's eyes meet hers, intense. "Well, I don' care. You're jus' Beth to me. We migh' not be dorky kids playin' cops in the park anymore, but I've always got your back."
"Yeah, I know." Beth smiles, shrugging awkwardly.
"Alrigh', well good." Sarah clears her throat, straightening up. "Have ya told Alison, then?"
"Not yet, but I will. Soon."
Sarah nods toughly. "Good. Well if she gives ya a hard time. Or if anyone does. Ya know." Sarah jerks her head suggestively.
Beth snorts. "Yeah, okay." There's a beat of meaningful silence between them until Beth can't take it anymore. "You wanna go get the pizza now?"
"Yeah, alrigh'." Sarah grins, picking Beth's hat off her desk and shoving it on Beth's head. "Let's go, Ace."
"That's not funny," Beth says, but she chuckles anyway. It might be a little funny. She adjusts the hat on her head, faded from wear and sunlight, as Sarah's arm falls around her shoulders.
"Hey, ya know tha' thing ya said, about society and the rules?"
Beth glances over. "Yeah?"
"Well, I say fuck 'em. Rules are stupid. They're meant to be broken."
Maybe for the first time since they met, Beth agrees.