A/N- We felt the need to return to some comedy roots and have Jason get his ass kicked by people smaller than him. It's a bunch of shorties, so enjoy and reply!!
"Ya gotta look, I cain't git off if ya don't look." Earlie- Squidbillies
LaTrabrasera and BB's Flash Fic Drabbles
--
Flash Fic 256 Somethings Different
"Boys… You know I love you with all my heart. But I need a mommy day, so Daddy's going to be watching you for a while."
Cam whined a bit and Jake just sat in his jumper smiling a cute baby smile. One which usually meant "I have just filled my diaper."
Liz chose that moment to depart.
"Love you guys, I'll see you in a few hours."
Jason walked out of the kitchen, towel on his shoulder, and gives her a good bye kiss.
"You be good now," Jason said, opening the door for her.
"You know me…" she replied.
"Which is why I said it."
It was much later. Liz felt relaxed and unwound.
She opened the door, looked a round and noted that nothing seemed to be destroyed, mangled or annihilated. But still…
"Something's different…" she whispered to herself.
She followed her intuition down to the boys room, where the noise began to pick up in volume.
She pushed the door open to reveal Jason with his wallet out, waving a twenty in Cameron's face as the boy jumped from bed to dresser to crib to floor in fairly rapid succession. Baby Jake giggled madly from his crib, watching the show.
"Look, buddy, I got a twenty. Just get into bed and you can have it! Twenty bucks buys a lot of ice cream!"
Liz finally spoke up.
"I would imagine that is what started this problem…
276. Definition of insanity
"Good night," Jason said, Liz still in his arms, "I'll call you tomorrow."
They kissed sweetly and Liz departed.
As Jason turned to leave, he was accosted by Claudia Zacchara.
"Hey, I never figured you for liking the mousy-nursey type?"
"So, you think I'd prefer sleazy, obvious tramps?"
"If I didn't know better , I might think you were trying to hurt my feelings…"
"Well, you obviously don't know better."
Claudia behaved as if she didn't hear the rejection in Jason's voice.
"I know you're just playing hard to get. Mommies get boring. You need a freak to get all the hard to reach areas."
He looked at her and rolled his eyes.
"Besides the obvious reasons, I've learned my lesson about dipping my wick in anything that has been in the general vicinity of Sonny's dick."
"You don't know what you're missing."
"What? STD's? The joy of the searing pain upon urinating? Not interested."
"You know you want it…" she said sidling up to him, trying to put a hand on him.
"Claudia… Do you know what the definition of insanity is?"
"Can't say that I do."
"Obviously," he sighed, "But that definition is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."
With that, Jason turned and headed out the door.
Claudia stood there a moment, went to the door and yelled, "Are you saying I'm insane?!"
--
74. Cheesy Pick Up Lines
This is a Liz/Jason first meeting flash fic.
He saw her across the bar at Jake's. She was drinking pretty steady, but didn't appear drunk. And she was alone. He sat for a while wondering if she'd turn him down, when he decided to just head over there.
He ran words through his head as he approached, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, it was the moment of truth, he was next to her at the bar. He stood there a minute and she eventually looked up at him.
"Yes?"
He picked the first thing that popped into his head.
"Have we met before?"
She rolled her eyes. He cringed.
"Sorry. I'm really bad at the first sentence. Really. I'm Jason and I'll make up for my awful line by buying you a drink."
She smirked and said, "That was what you should have said first."
"I'll keep that in mind. So, I can sit?"
"Yes, I suppose. As long as we can discuss your horrible pick up technique."
"I'm willing to learn," he said, flagging the bartender.
"First of all, all the stuff your older brother, cousin, buddy told you is shit. If it worked they would be getting laid and not giving up trade secrets."
"So, what's the worst line?"
"Used, by me or on me?"
"Either, both."
She cocked her head to the side and thought for a minute.
"'Were your parents terrorists? Cause you're the bomb.'"
"I presume someone said that to you."
"And you would be correct. What is the worst line you've ever used, just so we can get it out of the way?"
"No, no. You were going to share the worst line you've ever used."
"I don't recall saying that."
"It was implied."
"So it was. The worst line I have ever used was…" she paused, "'I'm a nursing student, and I need to check to see if you're anatomically correct'."
"You actually said that?" he asked in awe.
"And it worked. Now, you're worst line."
He sat back, crossed his arms in front of him and raised his eyes in deep thought.
"Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
145. Technical difficulties
Liz had only been gone an hour. Tops. Which is why she was shocked at the din coming from the boys room.
She could here muffled cries coming from that direction so she hurried to investigate.
Upon opening the door she observed Jason getting the worst treatment of his life to the tune of "Doofenschmirts Evil Incorporated…" blaring from the TV.
There he was laid out on the floor, Cameron practically sitting on his face, pulling his hair and yelling "Perry! Perry! Perry!" While toddler Jake was betwixt poor Jason's legs, popping him in the groin with his fists. Jason was trying to protect his equipment, but he didn't want to kick the little one over. Plus, he couldn't breath and was in so much pain, he wasn't sure what to do.
Liz strode over and removed Cameron from his head and Jake from between his legs.
"Technical difficulties, Daddy?" she asked, trying to keep from laughing.
"Something like that…" he panted.
91. & 129. The devil made me do it
Liz just returned from her shift at the hospital, dropped her bag by the door and went to check on the boys, who should have been recently tucked in by Jason.
She silently turned the knob as she heard Jason singing.
"What's that? A hat? Crazy, funky, junky hat. Overslept? Hair unsightly? Trying to look like Keira Knightley? We've been there, we've done that, we see right through your funky hat."
"Again, Daddy!! Again!!"
"You swore if I sang that funky hat song you'd get into bed."
"I will!! But one more time! And do the dance!"
Jason sighed.
"Last time." He paused and began again, this time, with a hip swiveling, arm swing dance. "What's that? A hat? Crazy, funky, junky hat. Overslept? Hair unsightly? Trying to look like Keira Knightley? We've been there, we've done that, we see right through your funky hat."
He was done, Cam was in bed. And Jason's face reddened as he saw Liz, directly outside the boy's door.
"Will you do that for me later, but naked? It was cute."
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
"It was a Disney sort of day. And I will swear in front of a jury the devil made me do it," he said, heading down the hall. "It was the funky hat song or the theme to Hannah Montana. And I unfortunately only know the words to the first."
Liz followed and asked, laughing, "Are you saying my beloved precious is the devil?"
188. Tiramisu and a chandelier
Liz was undressing, doing her sexy dance that always did the job. Jason sat staring, trying to keep his hands to himself. Liz moved closer, brushing against him, arousing him further.
Before Jason could truly react, she suspended herself by her knees on the chandelier that suddenly appeared above them.
"Toss me the tiramisu!" she shouted, suspended and naked from the height.
Jason woke with a start.
"That is not where I saw that going…"
--
185. Battlestar Galactica
There was a racket coming from the Morgan/Webber house. As they approached, Jason and Liz didn't know whether to hurry or just call 911 and hope for the best.
What greeted them made them wish they'd stayed out longer and/or picked a different babysitter.
As they walked in they were treated to the sight of a diaper-less Jake streaking through the living room and Cameron, clad in just a t-shirt behind him, trailed by Spinelli.
"Frak!! Frakking little ones."
"Hey, hey, Spinelli," Liz said, "Language."
"What did he say?" Jason asked.
"He was swearing," Liz answered.
Jake and Cameron ran to their parents and jumped into their arms. Which was a mixed blessing with the uncovered butts and all.
"In what language?" Jason asked.
"BSG," Spinelli replied, throwing himself on the couch, "Frell," he whispered, "Fahrbot little ones."
"That was Farscape," Liz said, "You're mixing your shows."
"Would someone clue me in?" Jason said, incredibly confused.
"Battlestar Galactica. A TV show on Sci-Fi channel. Bitches cancelled it. If you checked your TiVo every once in a while you'd know what he's talking about." She eyed Spinelli. "As for that, your TiVo privileges are revoked, possibly just suspended. It was so full of BSG I didn't have any room to put in Night Shift."