Title: Bitter
Rating: PG-13?
Pairing: Rayne
Summary: Happy news doesn't always bring happiness.
A/N: I didn't even know I was capable of writing angst. This just came to me last night after reading some fluffy baby!fics and then I went off... Please review!
Kaylee was pregnant, again.
I hurriedly finished breakfast, then made my way back to our bunk. This explained why River'd refused to get outta bed this morning. Not that that in itself is unheard of; sometimes she don't get much sleep at night (I keep her pretty busy). But this was not one of those times.
I remembered back to almost four years ago, maybe three months after that bounty hunter'd snuck onto the boat and I'd slept through all the fun. Somehow, crazy girl and I'd become, ah hell, we were together, in a physical way, dong ma? She and I, we fit together in ways that surprised everybody. It hadn't been any picnic getting to that point, but there we were. My girl and I had just been openly sharing a bunk for about a week when Kaylee and Simon said that they were expectin'. That night in our bunk, River stared at me as I undressed, before quietly saying that she needed to tell me something important. Now at this point, I was sure she was going to tell me that she'd come to her senses and no longer wanted me. As such, her words threw me.
"Girl has told you before that she is broken, now she will tell you how badly. I'll try to stay lucid throughout, but I need you to hold me. No matter how mad you get, or how upset I get, you can't let me go." Her eyes looked so sad and her voice was so low that I just knew this was gonna be a lot worse than I'd thought. I quietly sat down next to her on the bed, then pulled her into my lap.
She nodded her approval. "At the academy, you know they controlled the girl and took away bits and pieces of her to make her into something more, a weapon. Part of that was..." She started to tear up. "They made contingency plans and were methodical. They cut out the parts that make the girl a girl, but not before stealing away her future." All the sudden, a horrible image started to form in my mind. I knew exactly what she meant: you can't have somebody trying to use your weapon's body against it and a pregnant weapon was probably not in their plans, ever. "They harvested several of my eggs to use in the future for some vague breeding program not yet even in the theoretical stages." The tears moved to sobs which shook her whole body. I just drew her closer to my chest, desperate to ignore the own tears I felt running down my face. "The girl can never give you what Kaylee is giving Simon. She is too broken." At that, River became of incapable of any coherency and we just lay back on the bed, both dealing with the repercussions of what she had just told me.
We didn't speak of what had happened for two weeks. When I got down on one knee in our bunk and asked her to be mine, and to let me be hers forever, River stared at me, "But, she's broken." "Aw hell, River, I ain't gonna say that don't matter, 'cause it does. It matters a whole lot, but there's still nobody else that'd put up with me." I took her throwing her arms around my neck and giggling as a yes.
We've been through this three times already. I finally reach our bunk, pull back the covers and climb into bed next to my wife. I slowly begin our ritual of bitterness. River quietly cries as I rub her back and we both try not to think of what might have been.
I think we've both made our peace that we'll always be Aunt and Uncle (sometimes by blood, sometimes by family), and never Ma and Pa, but that don't mean the dream ever dies. Once in a while, when River is deeply asleep and unlikely to pick up stray thoughts from me, I imagine her fat (okay, not fat, 'cause I don't think she could be fat, um... growing), growing with my child inside of her. Those are the nights it's the hardest to accept and I hate those doctors, nurses, hands of blue, so much that I don't know how it could stay inside of me. I know it's impossible, but there are times when I'd give both my eyes to bust into some lab and rescue those eggs of hers, at least that way there could be a River/Jayne baby. But she wouldn't be able to carry it, and I know it'd cost us all a lot more than just my sight if we ever attempted such a thing.
So, every so often, when 'Nara, Kaylee or Zoe makes an announcement, River and I stay in our bunk for a bit. When we come out, we can pretend to be very happy and supportive for the parents.
But never at first. At first, there's just the bitter taste.