Disclaimer: I do not own the Bill or any characters associated with it.
Authors notes: Hi, just a quick note to say I know all my stories so far have been quite sad/ tragic, this one is no exception so sorry to all of you who like happy endings cos I'm a sucker for tearjerkers. Hope you enjoy and take the time to review (please!!)
He glances down at their joined hands, her fingers still interlocked with his though her grip on his hand has slackened. Neil's gaze travels slowly from their hands up to Andrea's face, her expression more serene than it has been in over a week. Her sleep is peaceful and Neil silently thanks God for that. To remove any possible disturbance he puts the television on standby and gently draws Andrea's body closer to his own, brushing stray strands of raven black hair from her face as he does so. The last few days have been so emotionally exhausting for both of them that Neil doesn't think anybody could really blame her for drifting off, despite the chaos that has turned their lives upside down. In fact it is a miracle Andrea has managed to sleep at all, the trauma and sadness of recent events preventing her from finding tranquil slumber. As Neil watches her he ponders the gravity of their situation, the tragedy of all they have gone through and he doesn't fail to recognize the irony that so much sadness has befallen them at a time that was supposed to be one of the happiest of their lives. Tears prickle in Neil's eyes as he attempts to comprehend everything and if he is honest, Neil is struggling to take in this tragic turn of events. Their daughter is dead, his and Andrea's tiny baby is dead. Neil's little girl, his precious little girl gone before he and Andrea had even been given the chance to know her.
They shouldn't be mourning right now they should be celebrating, celebrating the new life they created and introducing that child to the world but it has all been snatched away from them in the most cruel way imaginable. Of all the things they had worried about during the pregnancy, the ridiculous worries which plague all new parents about their ability to give their child the best life possible, about making sure the nursery was properly furnished and the hundreds of other tiny things, the possibility they could lose their child so late in the pregnancy hadn't even entered their minds. Then again, no one expects their child to die on the day you bring them into the world. Stillborn, that meant they didn't even get to hear her cry, wail for the first time as she took her first breaths, or grip their fingers in her tiny fist as they cradled her in those glorious hours after her birth and marveled at the incredible beauty, the striking similarities to himself and Andrea in their little girl's appearance. Instead, they were forced to suffer the terror of those first few agonizing moments of complete silence, desperately willing their baby to cry, watching helplessly as a medical team attempt to resuscitate her. With each second that passed their hope had faded until they were finally confronted with the terrible grief which threatened to engulf them, to swallow them up as they realized they weren't going to have a happy ending. The doctor explained everything to them about the stillbirth, that there was nothing more to be done, that she was very sorry for their loss but none of that had meant anything to Neil or Andrea they were completely numb.
The days following that have been a complete blur, neither Neil nor Andrea being able to completely comprehend their loss. All that mattered was taking care of each other, helping each other to deal with the grief. It was all Neil cared about now, nothing else mattered but taking care of Andrea and doing everything he could to attempt to heal her broken heart just as she attempted to do the same for him. Naturally they lashed out sometimes because of the sheer pain they were trying to cope with. Neil begins to feel slightly ashamed to think how they had both lashed out at people they loved, friends who were only trying to support them, people who had done nothing but care for them. The feeling easily washes over him as he remind himself he has been through hell and has had to watch the woman he loves suffer that same hell, he didn't think he could be blamed for letting his emotions get the better of him. He does regret the one time he lashed out at Andrea though and he will not forgive himself for that. She was desperately running through reasons why this happened to them, what they might have done to deserve such a heartbreaking tragedy and it grated on him. So self absorbed and concerned by his own grief, Neil did not want to be a part of that conversation to begin with so when Andrea suggested it could be karma for stealing another woman's husband, punishment for their affair, Neil was unable to keep his frustration in check. He ripped her apart, screamed at her for being insensitive, unfeeling, ridiculous and a whole list of other words which in no way described Andrea. Neil didn't even stop until she ran off in tears looking almost as if she was afraid of him and as soon as she was gone Neil had broken down because at that moment he saw what he should have seen before, that Andrea was blaming herself.
When he had composed himself he went to make things right with Andrea, to encourage her to open up about the guilt she felt. He wasn't doing it to assuage his own guilt about tearing strips off her when she didn't deserve it, his sole motivation was to comfort Andrea, to help her relieve the burden of guilt she felt she could not share. Andrea wasn't difficult to find, Neil instinctively knew she would go to the nursery to surround herself with the babies things, the toys, clothes and blankets that would never serve their purpose. It comforted her to be there. When he found her she was sitting in the middle of the floor cuddling a tiny Winnie the Pooh teddy bear, the one they had bought when she was six weeks pregnant. It was the first thing they bought for their baby and Andrea refused to let it go, not that Neil would even contemplate asking her to. It may only have been a small stuffed bear, but to both of them it was a precious reminder of their daughter and they would cherish it forever. Neil didn't need to say anything, he just embraced her and she fell apart in his arms sobbing harder than he had ever seen her do before. Andrea had poured out all the grief she felt, the fear that it was her fault the baby died and the guilt she could not shake. Neil had tried desperately to comfort her, to make her see it was not her fault in any way but Andrea simply could not let go of the guilt. The baby grew inside her for nine months and at the end of that time when she was supposed to live and thrive outside her mother's womb, she didn't survive. Andrea was convinced she must have done something during the pregnancy to harm the baby and nothing Neil said could allay her fears, it broke his heart.
Andrea needed Neil to be the stronger one right now, he knew that and vowed to himself he would be. It wasn't that she offered him no support or comfort through the darkness of their grief in fact Andrea was all that kept Neil going, she held him up when he didn't think he could face another moment of this agony and it was Andrea who saw him at his most vulnerable. Even during the funeral when Neil had started to struggle with his eulogy Andrea didn't even hesitate, she was by his side at the front of the church in seconds wrapping an arm round him for support. With Andrea at his side he suddenly had the strength to carry on and finish paying tribute to the daughter he hadn't had the chance to know. Still, Andrea needed Neil to take charge and to handle things now, she wasn't ready to face up to everything just yet. Neil knew there would come a point where Andrea was strong enough to cope with the full extent of her grief and when that time came she would take over Neil's role, she would be the stronger one letting him rely on her. They would grieve properly, openly with each other there was no way they were going to shut each other out or push each other away, having just lost a child they would not risk losing each other as well.
So many aspects of their loss seemed unfair to Neil. It wasn't simply the grief of losing the child they had loved so much but the pain of having their daughter snatched away before they had even had a chance to be parents to her, to be a family together. It was heartbreaking for Neil that Andrea had lost the opportunity to be a mother to this child, the child she had adored since the very moment she became aware of her existence, the child she would have done anything for despite the fact that she had not yet met her or held her in her arms. Andrea would have made a fantastic mother, in fact Neil believed she already was a fantastic mother, the way she was so careful of every little thing during the pregnancy always putting the baby's needs first and doing so instinctively, without complaining, as if it was second nature to her. Neil smiles fondly as he remembers how Andrea used to speak to her stomach, unable to keep the huge smile from her face as she did so and how she encouraged him to do the same. He even chuckles now as he admits to himself that there is no one else in the world who could ever have talked him into doing that, then again there was no one else but Andrea who could ever have made him feel comfortable speaking to a growing foetus. After the 20 week stage when their baby girl started to make her presence felt by kicking for the first time, Neil would often walk into a room to find Andrea singing to her bump and giggling intermittently. Every time Andrea sang to her unborn child her inside were assaulted by a series of strong kicks and it fascinated her that hearing her voice made her baby react like that, it excited her because she felt she was already forming a bond with her baby girl. It isn't fair that Andrea lost out on her chance to be a mother to their little girl, it isn't fair either that their tiny daughter never got to experience the incredible love and devotion Neil and Andrea felt for her, or that she didn't get to know Andrea because she couldn't have asked for a better mother. Of course Neil feels this loss as well but he is almost crippled by the agony of knowing that the woman he loves is broken hearted as well.
Neil's thoughts turn to the hours in the immediate aftermath of his daughter's death. The doctor had allowed them some time alone with their baby, time to say goodbye. Andrea had held her tiny baby's lifeless body first, cradled her in her arms and broken down whispering how much she loved her and choking out sad goodbyes as Neil enveloped her in his embrace desperately trying to ease the pain, though he knew it to be futile. Andrea had said they should tell the baby her name and they did so as they gazed lovingly at her believing her to be the most beautiful person in the entire world. They called her Emma, "it means universal one", Neil recalled Andrea saying when they were making lists of possible names for their baby during the pregnancy. The smile on her face as she told him that had betrayed the fact that Andrea already had her heart set on naming their daughter Emma, not that Neil minded he loved the sound of it – Emma Manson – it sounded perfect, it was perfect, as perfect as she was.
After what felt like an eternity, Neil took Emma from her mother's arms and took his time to say goodbye to his tiny child. It had been painful before but actually holding her tiny form in his arms and not feeling any movement or warmth, not seeing the rhythmical rise and fall of her tiny chest as she took her first breaths, it torn Neil apart and brought all the grief and emotion to the surface. Silent tears streamed down his face and he closed his eyes as images flashed before him of what her life could have been, of what he and Andrea had now lost. The significant and the insignificant events, they were all important to Neil and he could picture every one so clearly, the first smile, first laugh, steps, words, first scraped knee. He could imagine Emma as a three year old starting nursery school, her shoulder length raven black hair in two impeccably neat plaits her mother had taken the time and care to do that morning, making sure everything was perfect for Emma's big day. She would cling to Neil and Andrea's hands as they led her to the front door, but as soon as she got into the classroom she would barely notice they were even there, too busy getting herself acquainted with the other children and preparing to get stuck in to playing with the toys. He imagined her a few years older in her new school uniform for her first day of primary school, same initial nerves and need for her parents comfort, and then the sudden transformation to the confident, friendly little girl she was making friends almost immediately.
He imagined the pride of seeing her in school plays, looking at paintings she did in class, things she made. He imagined the happiness of celebrating every birthday and Christmas with Emma, of doing simple things like taking her to the park, reading her stories at bedtime, playing games with her watching her grow. When she started secondary school, passed her GCSEs, passed her Alevels, and her driving test, when he saw what an intelligent, loving, beautiful young woman his little girl had grown into Neil would be so proud. When any boy came near her he'd look out for her and make sure he protected her, the first time she got her heart broken in fact any time she got her heart broken Neil vowed he'd kill the boy responsible for hurting his baby girl. He imagined watching her graduate university, giving her away on her wedding day, and seeing her have her first child. He opened his eyes again and in a second the miracle had vanished, the person he imagined had ceased to exist, she was gone his little Emma, his girl was gone. She was dead and the life he had envisaged watching her grow had died with her. He remembered how much it had hurt him to finally realize that losing the baby meant losing all those precious moments as well, it was like losing a part of his own life.
It becomes too painful to relive all of that again and Neil turns his attention back to a sleeping Andrea. He smiles as he watches her dozing and is immediately reminded of his reason for carrying on, of his reason for learning to deal with his grief. He will do it for Andrea, because she is the love of his life and even though they have lost their child he still sees the wonder in the baby girl Andrea had given him. Emma will never grow up, never be any of those wonderful things Neil wished for and all they have left of her are a few unused toys and a tiny grave to visit but Emma, perfectly formed, beautiful little Emma still is and always will be his little girl, his tiny miracle and nothing, not even the agony of losing her will ever change that.