I'd always thought I'd end up with my first love. Only I'd never realized that at some point, people fall out of love. They choose not to love someone anymore. And I can go on and on about how some people make it work. That some people make it. But you don't want to hear about all the fairytale romances that I'd read before. Because this is real now. Peter Kavinsky fell out of love with Lara Jean Song Covey. Those are the facts.

At least, that's what I tell myself to keep my sanity.

But my mind still lingers on the holding of hands, and late night kisses, and good morning texts of a really sweet first romance. But not anymore. The new year is coming up, and I will be objective about this.

It's the only way I'll survive this heart break.

We'd promised that we would always tell the truth, no matter how hard it was. But he never told me when he started to fall out of love with me. I didn't have time to prepare my heart for it. I suppose it was when finals came around first semester of freshman year and he got so busy with lacrosse and studying that there was just no time to write letters every week and phone calls every night. Only I'd been too naive to see the truth back then.

It's the winter in between first and second semester of sophomore year and I'm sitting in the kitchen, watching Kitty and Margot try to bake my signature chocolate chip cookie. It's kind of funny, if I'm being honest, watching them fight over the flour cup and watching the white dust float through the air and stick to their faces.

I don't know why my mind had drifted to him. It always had. I guess it's true when they say first loves never die. There is a chip in my heart that I had cut out and given to the most handsome boy of all the handsome boys.

The Song Covey family unit is complete again and it's like nothing has changed at all. Dad and Trina are both at work. She still spills coffee all over herself in the morning, but sadly, we no longer do the countdown. I guess we just grew up one day. Even Kitty.

Her and Peter aren't friends anymore. Not after the way things ended between us.

I always get emotional when I think of him. And now that I have, I need to excuse myself to the comfort of my old, messy room.

It's filled with photos of him and I and I suddenly regret coming home for the break. It's so weird because at one point, that was all I'd wanted. I decide what I need is to get out of the house. Do anything.

I drive to the grocery store because I figure we'd need more flour after they're done baking. The sun shines bright on this winter day and the chilly air permeates the car as I drive.

I see him before he sees me. He's with his mom too, pushing around the shopping cart by the produce section. So naturally, I grab a little rack full of candy bars to hide myself with. Only I didn't realize it had wheels and found myself almost toppled over by the cart as I try but fail to steady it. It falls to the floor with a loud thunk and my cheeks burn a fiery red. Everyone is staring at me. Including him.

Slowly I pick up the candies off the floor and place them back on the rack. Everyone else turns away. But he doesn't. Neither does his mom. Peter whispers something to his mom and she pats him on the back and suddenly he's walking towards me.

I was not ready for this. Obviously.

I feel like I want to cry but no tears come out. Thank goodness.

I finish putting the chocolates and candies on the cart when he reaches me.

"Lara Jean," he says my name in a whisper.

"Hey Peter…," I trail off. I don't know what to do with my hands so I just pull my ponytail tighter so much so that it hurts my scalp. A wave of self hatred engulfs me as I notice my heart beat a little faster, and my breathing quickens. I wave my hands in the air as I awkwardly say, "It's good to see you. I hope you're doing well and all that jazz. Well, I gotta go, so…, see ya!"

"I'm back together with Gen. I just thought that you should hear it from me instead." I'd always known that they'd find their way back to each other. I guess I was just a placeholder. Hearing him say it out loud makes it so real that my heart breaks all over again.

I can only stare back at him with wide eyes, hoping that I didn't hear what he just said. "Good for you, Peter Kavinsky." I smile up at him but I feel like I'm going to puke. He got a lot taller. "Really, I'm happy for you." But a part of me knew it. And I think that's the saddest thing of all. "I should go…, see you around Peter Kavinsky," I say and I hate how my voice wobbles and I can't meet his eyes.

He watches me as I leave and says, "Wait, Lara Jean…"

I pretend not to hear him and walk out the door.

I don't even buy the flour.

When I get home, I run upstairs to my room before I get any questions from Margot or Kitty. I slam my door shut and that's when the tears come out. I try to be as quiet as possible and a flood of memories hits me in the stomach.

"Hey, Lara Jean?" Peter asks through the speaker on my phone. It's almost been an entire semester apart, and it hasn't been the easiest. We both upheld the contract, and that's all that mattered to me.

"Yeah?"

"I've just got so much going on right now with finals and lacrosse. I don't think I can do letters every week. I'm really sorry Lara Jean, but I think maybe I should stop just for now." He sounds contrite but at the lack of my response, he quickly says, "Just for now though. I promise that we'll get back to it someday."

I hesitate, but then say, "Well, okay. I love you, Peter."

"Love you too."

And that was that.

But only, isn't this how it starts? With each person pulling away a little bit at a time, because it's only a little bit, what harm could it do? And soon enough the little pieces add up to a really big chunk of the relationship that's already gone. Then we can't catch up to it, and find it again. But I brush that thought off. We're Lara Jean and Peter. We can be the exception.

At least, that's what I told myself at the time. But everyone thinks that they can be the exception. And we're no exception. Just a statistic now.

"You did everything you could, Peter."

He stands up violently and I worry that he's going to hit his knee on the coffee table and make it worse. "That's exactly what I mean. I did everything I could, I did everything! I still can't do it. And I'm so fucking sick of all this."

Peter hadn't come out of his room for a few days. The doctor didn't clear him, and I don't know what to say that can fix this, that can make it all better, and I feel like a failure. "Peter, you're going to get through this. It's going to be okay." I hate that I'm saying this because I know it doesn't help.

"Bullshit," he dismisses. "Everyone keeps saying that and it's bullshit. You wouldn't understand Lara Jean."

"I just wanted to…," I trail off.

Suddenly he seems ten times more angry. "What!? What!? What do you want to do? To fix me? Because I'm such a problem to you." This was so different from the confident Peter that I knew.

"Wait, hold on-"

"I know, I know this is so inconvenient for you because to you, I'm sort of fucking prince charming and I'm sorry but I can't be that for you anymore. You need to grow up."

"I didn't mean to, I never meant to put that on you. But this isn't you and-"

He sneers. "How would you know that. You just think you know everything about me, huh? We never even see each other anymore."

I'm holding back a sob at this point. "I am trying my best."

"Well maybe that's just not enough anymore."

We made up when he called me later, apologizing, but we didn't last much longer after that. That was our worst fight at the time. I'd visit as often as I could, but at some point I don't think he wanted me to anymore. Now that I look back. He never said it out loud, but I know now. Those last few months of freshman year were torturous. All we did was fight.

"How could you not tell me this? How could you not tell me that you're talking to Gen again?" I almost yell at him. I don't want to sound so jealous, but it comes out that way.

"Because it's nothing for you to worry about. She just needs me now more than ever. And she just gets it sometimes. I didn't want you to be upset, Lara Jean, come on, don't cry."

I wipe my face furiously with my sleeve. I try to convince myself that I'm really over Gen and Peter, but there's always that small voice inside of me that tells me they were better together. It's screaming now. "It's not that," I say weakly. "I just…, why didn't you come to me?"

"You're so innocent Lara Jean. I don't want to be the one to take that away from you." His big brown eyes look so sad. I've never seen him that sad before.

Rage boils in my stomach. "I'm not that innocent. I understand things, but I can't if you won't let me."

His shoulders slouch. He looks so defeated. "I don't know what to tell you anymore. Can we please not fight?"

I sigh. I'm not angry anymore. And so I agree, and then he hugs me so tight like he's afraid I'll slip away. And then I kiss him and the taste is salty with both of our tears. I love you Peter, I want to say.

But I don't.

And then he broke up with me.

Tears are streaming down my face and I'm trying not to sob. I take back what I said then. This was our worst fight.

"Peter, this isn't you. I know you. You're better than this," I plead with him.

He isn't having it. His knee is a lot better now and he paces the room, unable to look at me. "I'm not that fucking prince charming anymore. I grew up. You should too."

"I don't want to fight with you."

He scoffs at me. "So we're just supposed to just sweep it under the rug? I don't want to do that anymore. I'm done with this shit."

"What are you saying. After everything we fought for, you're saying it's over?"

He hesitates for a second. And my heart hopes he won't say it. But he does. "Yeah. Why don't you just take everything and shove it into your little hat box. I played my part in this fairytale of yours. Sorry I couldn't give you a happy ending," he says with sarcasm laced in his words.

"What happened to "Peter will love Lara Jean with all his heart, always"? Did you just not mean everything you've ever said to me?" I manage to get out.

There's a knock at the door. Peter gives me a glance before going to open it. I look over and I see Genevieve. I must be hallucinating. There are tears in her eyes too. And I suddenly realize that there's nothing I can do. I've always been second to Gen. I just fooled myself into thinking I wasn't for a second there. And that feeling I decide, is the worst feeling in the whole wide world.

And so I push past her and keep running.

Goodbye Peter Kavinsky.

The memory of it is ingrained into the crevices of my brain, always hiding so that I can't get rid of it.

I hear a knock on my door. It's Margot and Kitty. They take one look at me and engulf me and I've never cried harder. I am controlled by body shaking sobs and weak limbs.

"Oh LJ," Margot whispers into my ear. "We're right here. It'll be okay." I find it funny that when I say it, the words come out empty, but when I'm in the arms of my sisters, I've never felt more loved and supported.

Well, almost.