Here I was, sat in the bath tub again, slowly dragging the cold blade across my pale wrist. I don't know how it got into my hand but once it did, it was almost like the blade spoke to me, telling me to just do one small cut for old time's sake, just to remember the wonderful feeling that I once felt when I was younger. My head said no but my hand said yes, three crimson red lines across my wrist, then it soon turned into six, then eight…
I couldn't stop myself, once the blade had left my skin there was no mark, no evidence what so ever but soon the red line of blood started to form. Droplets of water ran over my cuts, carrying bits of blood with them. Stop. I need to stop now. Oh but the amazing sensation when the blood squeezes through the small cut, creating a small blob before trickling down my wrist. It was a feeling that I have craved for so many years, nothing could replace the sensation this gave me.
I stopped when I moved in with my best friend Dan for two reasons, one I didn't want him finding out what I did, he might think of me as a total freak and not care about me, well no one did anyway. The second because I felt happy with him, happier than I have ever felt in a long time, but it's all different now.
He has a girlfriend, I can never remember her name though, I never listened when he spoke about her. There was no point in listening. The thought of the girl just made me put more pressure on the blade, she basically controlled Dan and it wasn't fair anymore! She just was… Was… Stupid!
When I look down to my wrist, my whole arm was covered in slashes of red and huge droplets of blood which now were slowly rolling down my arm, mixing in with the water that was still left on my skin. As much as I loved the feeling of it and the relaxing, calming sensation I got when the blood emerged from the wound, and made its way down my arm. The perfect sensation, almost as if the blood carried out all my worries as fears. No, I had to stop this now, I've done enough damage but the urge was just too big, one more cut, just one, that one will make everything better, I have to, I want to. I do.
A whole hour I spent, sat in the bath by that time the water was no longer clear, it was a soft pink colour. My whole arm was covered in my blood, I didn't mean to. I just could stop. Only one, that's all I wanted to do, not all of this. I never wanted to go so far, just one, that's all, just to remember the delightful feeling as the metal slowly dragged across my skin, secretly slicing it. Then pulling the blade away and watching as my blood started to squeeze its way through. Shaking my head I threw the blade across the room, it bounced off the wall and slid behind the toilet, it would be fine there. I'll forget about it within a day or two. But I knew that once my arm had healed up, I'd miss the scars, I know it's strange but I do. I grow fond of them, then when they heal, I feel the need to bring them back again. Cutting has changed my mind, the way I think. Why did I have to start again? My head feels funny.
I took on deep breath in then dipped my body back beneath the water to clean all my cuts, I couldn't stop a hiss from escaping my mouth, it stung so much that my body shuddered. It felt like someone was just stabbing my arm, I could feel it pulsating against the liquid that washed away all of his blood, or in my mind, the pain, hurt, fears I held in my chest for no one else to know but me. That was my problem, I would take in everyone's problems, help them, be their shoulder to cry on, but then I never expressed my feelings what so ever. I didn't want to, I felt it wasn't something that anyone else should know, it was my problem. Mine.
"Jesus Phil, are you finished in there yet? I really need to piss!" I heard Dan shout from the bathroom door, you could even hear him hopping from foot-to-foot trying to make his bladder stop from bursting inside him. Dan couldn't come in and see the water, then he'd know that I was doing something. Crap, what do I do? Quickly I pulled the plug on the bath and jumped out grabbing a towel and wrapping it around my waist then grabbing another, letting it drape over his shoulders.
Before the water had fully drained Dan shouted warning me he was coming in then burst through the door. I froze with my back facing Dan as he also stood still, I could only guess what he was looking at. "Phil, why is the water pink?" I heard him as I slowly turned my body around. My heart was pumping at one hundred miles per hour, what was I supposed to say? 'Oh that? It's just my blood, no big deal, don't you worry your cute little dimples off.' No, I couldn't just say that, it was stupid! Just like me. "I, erh." For once in my life I was lost for words. I felt like a baby as your parents constantly say 'Mummy say mummy. Daddy, say daddy.' At your face but you have no idea what they're actually saying because you just didn't know what English was, or any words for that matter, well excluding the gibberish that is classified as 'baby talk'. "Have you been using that raspberry kiss stuff again?" Dan asked, totally oblivious of what it actually was. Now I could of said yes but the problem was, I had no evidence of using it. There was no empty bottle of raspberry kiss anywhere. Plus I stopped using that ages ago… I use the vanilla one instead. "Yes, it just smells to nice!" I said with a fake smile, pretending everything was okay. Little did he know about what had really happened.