Disclaimer: I do not own Assassin's Creed or any of the characters therein.
A/N: This story is really stupid. But rest assured, I have compiled a list of excuses (see below) to justify its exsistance.
1) I know it's stupid.
2) This idea spawned from me hearing the incredibly talented and funny Danny Wallace, who voices Shaun Hastings, singing. I suggest you check him out.
3) My sister requested it. Her request was awesome, but sadly, my brain is not. (I've failed you, sister...)
4) I didn't have much time to work on it.
5) I'm not a good writer on the best of days, so no one familiar with my work should be surprised.
IMPORTANT- This is supposed to take place in 2014. I'm basing Shaun and Rebecca's personalities off of their interactions in Black Flag, therefore, they may seem quite OOC. Please accept my humblest apologies for this. Also, any resemblance to Not Funny, Universe is intentional, I swear.
"Blimey, it's cold!" Shaun Hastings declared, stomping into the motel room and slamming the door behind him. Almost instantly, his glasses fogged up from the change of temperature. All but blind, he set his bags on the only table and removed his scarf and coat.
"Becs?" he called, taking off his spectacles and rubbing them on the edge of his sweater.
"Becs?"
"Rebecca!" he shouted angrily, placing the glasses back on his face.
Vision restored, he let out a frustrated groan. His partner and friend sat cross-legged on the motel floor, her back to him, repairing one of her handmade gizmos. She also had headphones over her ears, which would explain why she wasn't responding.
The Brit marched up behind her and gave her shoulder a rough shake.
Her head jerked up and she twisted around to look at him, her brow furrowed.
"Yeah?" she asked loudly.
Shaun folded his arms across his chest and shook his head, silently refusing to answer.
The brunette seemed to sense his irritation, and slid her headphones down to her neck.
"What's up, Shaun?"
"You are an extremely rude person," he replied.
She rolled her eyes. "Takes one to know one, bub."
"You didn't hear me come in?" he demanded, motioning towards the door.
"No."
"How about me calling your name over and over? Did you hear that?"
"Nope."
"And you don't see how a complete lack of awareness could be problematic for someone in this line of work?"
"Not really," she answered, returning her attention to the broken device in her hand.
Shaun sucked in a breath and forced himself not to retort.
"Did you want something?" Rebecca asked without looking up.
"Whatever could've given you that impression?"
Rebecca glanced up at him resentfully.
He sighed. "I wanted to tell you happy birthday."
She blinked.
"What-? Are you ser-? Is it really?" she asked in disbelief, looking at her watch. Then she shook her head once and smiled. "Well, crap."
"Yes, see, unlike you, I tend to remember dates," he chided, making his way back to the table. "I suppose that's why I'm the Historian and you're not."
"Or," Rebecca said, standing and setting her project on the bed, "it could have something to do with you being a gigantic nerd with bad eyesight and no physical prowess whatsoever."
He pretended to pout. "That's mean, Becs. So mean, I've changed my mind about giving you..." He reached into one of his bags pulled out a white pastry box. "...this."
"Aw, you got me something?" she teased. "That's so sweet..."
"Yes, but I've already come to regret that decision," he lamented, letting her take the box from him as she sat down in a chair near the table.
She gasped quietly as she opened her gift: four vanilla cupcakes, each with a different flavor of frosting. "They look delicious, Shaun. Thank you."
He huffed indignantly. "You'd better be thankful," he said, rummaging through the bags again. "Have you any idea how difficult it is to find a vegan bakery in a place like this?"
"I'm a vegetarian, you idiot," she shot back, scooping up a fingerful of chocolate icing. "Ordinary, meatless cupcakes would've been fine."
"Bloody difficult, actually-" he went on, as if she hadn't spoken. "Wait, what are you doing?"
"Um, eating?" Rebecca replied, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Not yet!" he cried, snatching the box from off her lap and setting it on the table. "You're having a proper birthday this year. Look, I even bought candles." He held up the colorful package as proof.
She shook her head, annoyed. "You really know how to make a girl feel special, Hastings."
He ignored her, focusing instead on placing a candle in each cupcake. That completed, he took a lighter from his pocket and cleared his throat.
"Uh... what are you-?" But before she could get the words out, Shaun began to sing.
"Happy birthday to you..." his voice rang as he carefully lit all four wicks. "Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday, Rebecca Crane..." He slid the box to her, then fell silent when he realized she was staring at him, mouth agape, frozen in shock.
"What?" he demanded defensively.
She swallowed. "Nothing, you just... have a really nice singing voice, is all."
Shaun paused, confused, trying to decide how to respond.
"Of course I do," he said finally, turning away and heading for the minibar.
Rebecca grinned. "As opposed to how you usually sound, I mean."
"Charmingly masculine."
"Try pretentiously whiny," she corrected, removing a cupcake from the box and blowing out the candle.
"That reminds me..." Shaun remarked as he returned with several small bottles in each hand. He sat down across from the brunette and scattered the beverages in front of him. "I'm terribly curious- what's it like, being old?"
Her eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"
"Well," he explained, examining a bottle of vodka, "considering that I'm still a youthful 28, I thought perhaps someone as aged as you could inform me."
"Oh, I'd love to," she agreed with false enthusiasm. Then she leaned over and smashed her cupcake into his face, smearing frosting on his glasses, down his cheek, and over the corner of his tightly closed mouth.
He sighed deeply and nodded as she fell back into her seat, cackling maniacally.
"Of course," he said flatly, removing his glasses and wiping off his eye. "My mistake."
But Rebecca kept on laughing, and he had to suppress a chuckle of his own, because for the first time in a long time, she was happy.
And though he'd never admit it, that was what he'd really wanted all along.
A/N: Thanks for reading!