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A sense of emptiness enveloped the spot next to Lapis, causing her eyes to drift open. Grogginess clouded her mind as the darkness of the barn filled her vision, making her wonder if she'd even opened her eyes at all.
She did a quick mental checklist: what could have woken her up? They didn't sleep often, but when it happened usually she slept like…well a rock.
Still in the hammock, she glanced over the barn: Pumpkin was over by the door so that left only:
"Peridot," she whispered. Of course. That's what it was; it took a lot to wake her up, after all.
Stretching as she hopped out of their hammock, Lapis sighed, scanning the barn and seeing nothing other than their usual meep morps.
No sign of Peridot at all.
"Well, only one other place she could be," she muttered to herself, stepping outside, letting the crisp breeze of the late night wash over her form.
It was one of the few things she found enjoyable about the colder nights in the barn. That and of course how she kept warm.
Sprouting her water wings, it took little more than five strong flaps for Lapis to land atop the domed roof of what she'd been told was where hay was usually kept.
Peridot hadn't noticed her yet, sitting facing away, staring up at the moon. Her arms were wrapped around her legs as she silently gazing upwards.
Lapis approached quietly, not wanting to distract her barnmate from whatever she was musing on.
She glided forward gracefully, before sitting down next to her green companion, letting Peridot start a conversation on her own terms.
It was rare that either disturbed the other gems sleep. Deciding to sleep was generally an agreement not one either wanted to break; as there was a sort of comfort found in the warmth of the other.
Either way for Peridot to have left during the night something serious must be going on. Lapis sat silently staring off into the distance trying to see what it was Peridot was looking for in the sky but to no avail.
She couldn't start the conversation, she recognized the circumstance; Peridot alone on top of this section of the barn meant Peridot was being introspective, and Lapis knew she preferred to come out of that state of mind alone and would want some semblance of control over the conversation. While they were very open with each other about general emotions neither really opened up deeply to the other without serious prompting. They trusted each other of course, probably more than anyone else so sharing deeper feelings wasn't new to them but there were certain things that each preferred to keep to themselves, Peridot especially.
"Hey," came the raspy voice, interrupting the silence between them.
"What's up?" Lapis asked; her standard response in this situation. They had agreed, after several cases of Lapis being more intrusive than she had meant and Peridot had wanted, that this would be the flow of conversation so that Peridot wouldn't feel overwhelmed and Lapis could express her concern.
"Do you ever look at something and think to yourself: 'this thing is bad, but I still want it,' and you know you're wrong for feeling that way but you can't help it?"
Lapis' heart sank; Peridot's reflections, especially recently, typically revolved around the relationship the two of them shared, and certain doubts that the green gem had about the two of them.
"Yeah," Lapis tried not to choke on her words. This wasn't about her, she had to help Peridot with what she was going through, "Yeah, I do. Why?"
Peridot took in a deep breath, "Lapis, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, recently some of my worst ones, and I find myself looking back at those mistakes with an awful sense of-" She stopped, a shiver running through her form ,"Nostalgia, almost."
Lapis nodded stone-faced, not looking at Peridot; not that the green gem made any attempt to initiate eye contact either.
"-And I feel incredibly guilty, because I'm lying to someone I care about and I think it's hurting them."
"Tell them," Lapis said her voice cold and calculated.
Peridot blinked a heavy exhale, "It's not that simple, I can't just tell them - I don't want to,"
"No Peridot, it is that simple," Stifling her own emotions was something she'd gotten used to and a skill Lapis honestly dested that she possessed, but it made these conversations so easy. Later however the hurt she had bottled up would uncap itself and surge through her body like an out of control river. But for now, she turned to Peridot with soft pain filling her eyes. "Not telling this person is only going to cause them more and more pain. Communication is the basis of any healthy relationship, or, at least that's what I've been told." She took a deep, shaky breath, "So just tell them okay?"
Peridot turned to her, their eyes meeting and Lapis saw a whole swirl of emotions in those eyes; doubt, anger, loathing, but the one that hurt the most- she could sense betrayal in them as well.
"What if I'm not strong enough to tell them," Peridot asked, shattering the eye contact.
"That's just selfish." Bluntness was a required tool with Peridot; she was always so indecisive about these matters. A little push was all that was ever required to get her where she needed to be.
Lapis knew what Peridot was going to say to her and she knew it was going to hurt her worse than anything had ever hurt her before. But if it helped Peridot get to a better place, she figured she could just take it this one time, no matter how many pieces she'd have to pick up afterwards.
"Lapis…I'm sorry," Peridot whispered, tears filling her eyes, "I'm sure you know already, somehow you always seem to know what I'm thinking."
Lapis nodded a simple confirmation, and braced herself.
"Yeah," was all the blue gem could manage to choke out, hiding her eyes behind her hair.
"I… I miss homeworld," Peridot stuttered, tears beginning to fall from her face.
Lapis blinked, her tears involuntarily stopping halfway down her cheeks. This.. this was about Peridot being homesick? She was so confused.
"Lapis, I'm sorry - I don't know how to explain this to you, and I know I don't deserve to have you here comforting me, of all people but I c-can't help it."
Lapis moved closer to Peridot wrapping an arm around her shoulder, and whispered through her confusion, "Hey, shhh it's okay, talk to me."
Another sob escaped from Peridot, tears fell even faster as the words flew out of Peridot's mouth, "I feel awful about it because of everything that Homeworld did to you, everything I did to you, the things we forced you to do…but Homeworld was always somewhere I felt wanted, somewhere I felt I belonged."
Lapis furrowed her brow in concern, "Peridot you know we all care about you here."
Peridot shook her head still sobbing uncontrollably, "How do I know it's all real?" she asked, broken. Aand how long can it last? Steven and the Crystal Gems must resent me for all of the horrible things I did, they only put up with me now because I'm useful to them and - Steven convinced them that shattering me was the wrong thing," She shuddered throughout her whole body, "The only reason I'm not in a bubble too is he has some sort of moral obligation to try and fix every broken thing he comes across and I'm the most broken thing I know!"
Peridot looked away, not able to hold any sort of eye contact, pushing herself away from Lapis.
"And then there's you," She whimpered, "How long 'til you grow to resent me? How long 'til all the terrible things I do catch up to me, one day you look at me and all you see is that horrible gem who hurt you time and time again?" Peridot began coughing, retching her throat raw from all of the crying "and I can't even blame you for it because I still want to go back! All I can ever think about is how Homeworld gave me a place, gave me a purpose, they covered my flaws made me someone-"
Lapis watched as her eyes grew slightly glazed, as she voice raised in volume.
"-there I was a brilliant and high ranking member of society. I was a technological genius, I HAD A JOB - A PURPOSE," Her voice topped out before dropping back to an almost whisper, "back there I didn't have these feelings, I didn't need them, now they're all I have and how can anyone reciprocate these feelings I've developed when I've been so, so terrible?"
Lapis sat there quietly, letting Peridot say what she needed to and when she'd all gotten it out of her system Lapis leaned forward grabbing Peridot by her shoulders. Peridot flinched at the sudden action, as if Lapis hit her. She deserved it, she decided. A rush of the wind whistled past Peridot's ears as her body was pulled forward into a tight embrace.
"Wh-what?" she managed to stutter out, feeling drips of water fall onto her shoulder and soft shakes from Lapis.
"Peridot, I don't want to ever hear you say anything about yourself like that again, do you hear me?!" She yelled. "you are the single, most important gem in my life, okay?" Lapis looked down, and took a deep breath, "Yeah, you've made some mistakes, we all have, but that isn't what matters."
Lapis pulled back, looking Peridot in her eyes, which were burning with a swirl of emotions.
"You aren't your past, and you don't need to feel bad for wanting something," she shook her head, clearing her face of the tears and attempting to smile, "Homeworld was everything you'd ever known until recently, you don't need to feel bad for missing it and the fact that you feel bad for what you did proves that you're growing and moving in the right direction. You aren't so unimportant that we would just tolerate you either, you know? Your life isn't owed to some assumed moral high ground, it isn't owed to anyone but you- we love you Peridot. Steven and the Crystal Gems.. they don't just pretend, they take that stuff very seriously." Lapis breathed in deeply "and Peridot I love you. Yeah, you've hurt me before and honestly you might hurt me again but I don't care - because you'd never do that to me on purpose."
"But I did!" Peridot interrupted, eyes wide, "I did hurt you on purpose and I didn't even think it was wrong!"
"But you do now, don't you?"
For the first time that night Peridot was speechless as Lapis continued.
"It doesn't matter that you've hurt me before, all of the things that you've done since then have showed me that's not who you really are." Lapis smiled, "You're kind, caring, sweet and kind of a dork, you wear your emotions on your sleeve because you're so new to them, you're passionate about so many things its adorable listening to you go on and on about science stuff that I don't understand and making meep morps with me, you always go out of your way to try and impress me. Don't you know I'll love anything you make because it's you who made it?" Lapis placed her hand on Peridot's cheek, "I can't explain all the things about you that I love because it would take too long but Peridot - I love you because you are so unapologetically you, so please stop pretending you're this terrible person who everyone hates - it just isn't you."
The two sobbed and fell into an embrace atop the barn and surrounded by the labors they'd been through together everything they'd built.
Peridot smiled, "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about this sooner, I just thought you'd react poorly when I talked about missing Homeworld."
Lapis smiled, holding in her hands the only thing that mattered to her right now, "you need to trust me more than that."
"Heh, I guess I do huh?" Peridot chuckled. Lapis nodded and took a deep breath pulling Peridot's shocked face to hers as their lips pressed together, and a bright light filled up the dark world they were surrounded with.