The Blacklist: You're Losing Your Memory
Summary: "Don't!" she had screamed as he reached out to touch her, and he flinched. Flinched at the overwhelmingly commanding tone of her voice. The emptiness in her eyes. The hurt in her heart.
Red reflects on the day's events with the company of a bottle of scotch. What he doesn't expect is the knock on his door in the middle of the night. RedxLizzie. One-Shot post-ep for 2x10.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any rights to The Blacklist, or the song "Losing Your Memory" by Ryan Star. They're both perfection just the way they are.
No beta. All mistakes are mine, apologies in advance if you find any.
The damage is done,
The police are coming too slow now.
I would have died,
I would have loved you,
All my life.
"Some object. Some... thing" She had held herself in comparison to and the pain in her eyes, in the break of her voice, it felt like a thousand knives piercing through his chest at once as he struggled to come up with a response to her accusation.
How could she ever, ever believe that in a million years to be the truth? How could she not know she was the light, the warmth in the darkened cave that was his bloody and beaten soul. The only thing in his life that held any meaning to him. How could she not know that, and how could he not find the words to articulate it in this moment, when she needed to hear it the most?
Red let out a sigh before throwing back his fifth glass of scotch as he sat in front of the crackling fire in his large, otherwise darkened bedroom. She had forgiven him for a lot over the past year or so but this... Would she ever forgive him for this? He closed his eyes again, painfully playing out more of the scene from earlier in his mind.
"Don't!" she had screamed as he reached out to touch her, and he flinched. Flinched at the overwhelmingly commanding tone of her voice. The emptiness in her eyes. The hurt in her heart.
He had hurt her. Tremendously. And the pain he felt over it was unlike anything he had ever experienced.
With a deep sigh, he poured another three fingers of the amber liquid into his glass.
Remember the day,
'Cause this is what change should always be.
I just want to stay,
I just want to keep this,
Dream in me.
Lizzie awakened in a start, her clothes and bed sheets covered in a thin layer of sweat as she sat upright in her bed panting, desperate for air.
"Oh my God" she gasped into the blackened room as the realization struck her, distant memories suddenly flooding her as if they'd happened only yesterday.
She had to go. Had to see him.
Him.
Wake up, it's time,
Little girl, wake up.
Just remember who I am,
in the morning.
A frantic pounding on the front door pulled Dembe's attention away from the book sitting in his lap and he regarded the door from where he sat in the front living room of the safe house for a long moment before pushing himself up from the leather armchair and walking towards the persistent banging.
Stopping to check his watch, the bodyguard stiffened as he realized the very late hour and, immediately assuming the worst, pulled the 9mm handgun out from the back of jeans, raising the arm holding the pistol up to eye level as his free hand slowly turned the brass door handle, gently pulling it open.
"Agent Keen" Dembe sighed as his gaze fell upon a slightly distraught looking Liz on the other side of the door.
"You should not be here" He explained, dropping the arm holding the gun and safely tucking it back into his pants.
"Sorry, but I need to-" she began, attempting to brush past him but Dembe was quick to sidestep her , effectively blocking her from crossing the threshold inside.
"Liz" he said, softer this time and with a hint of empathy. "Raymond does not wish to be disturbed. I must ask you to leave. I am sorry"
"Dembe, please" Liz gently begged, placing a hand on the large man's forearm. "I need to see him. Please let me inside" she pleaded, desperation in her eyes as she held his gaze.
"I need to see him" she repeated once more, barely above a whisper and it was enough. Heaving a small sigh for the world of trouble he knew he was asking for by letting her in, he took a step back, allowing Lizzie to enter.
"Upstairs, third door on the right" Dembe instructed and Liz nodded.
"Liz" Dembe said, gently grabbing for her arm before she could disappear up the stairs. "Please, I will be just down the hall, call for me if you need me. Raymond is... not himself right now. He did not wish to see anyone"
The worry in his tone had Liz a little worried herself. She knew Red could never hurt her. At least not purposely and certainly never physically. She knew her words to him earlier had stung, and at the time, she had absolutely meant them. She wanted him to hurt. To feel even an ounce of the pain she had felt upon the realization. Though at the time, she wasn't sure he was even capable of it.
What was she about to walk into now? She had no worldly idea, but it didn't matter. Not anymore. She needed this, probably as much as he did.
You're losing your memory now,
You're losing your memory now,
You're losing your memory now,
You're losing your memory.
Quietly she pushed open the door to his bedroom, but the slight creak in the hinges alerted him to her presence regardless. He sat in a tall Victorian-style armchair, his back to her as he faced the fireplace and a small wooden table next to him with a nearly empty scotch bottle sitting on it beside a crystal tumbler.
"Dembe, I told you I didn't wish to be-"
"It isn't Dembe" Liz interrupted, her voice shaking slightly as she crossed the threshold into the dark bedroom; the crackling fire providing the only source of light, bathing him in a dark silhouette before her.
She heard him sigh. Watched his head fall slightly.
"You shouldn't have come here Lizzie" he said in a barely audible whisper.
"I needed to speak with you" she explained, gently closing the bedroom door behind her.
"It's late" was all he responded with and she frowned.
"Couldn't sleep" she said with a shrug, attempting to lighten the mood.
"Take an Ambien" he practically growled with impatience and it took her aback for a brief moment. He was rarely this short with her, no matter how much she may or may not deserve it.
"Sorry" he breathed, his voice a low rumble as he pushed himself up from the chair.
"Forgive me Lizzie, but I'm afraid I am in no state for company this evening" he explained as he began on shaky legs the short distance walk from the chair to his bed. He stumbled slightly on the last step and fell ungracefully into a seated position at the edge of the bed as he involuntarily swayed ever so slightly by his shoulders. "So if you'll excuse me" he instructed by slightly slurred speech and a wave of his hand motioning her to the door.
She knew he always fancied himself a drink, but she had never seen him like this, clumsy and without every one of his faculties carefully intact. It probably explained why Dembe was still awake and standing guard at nearly three o'clock in the morning, just in case anything were to happen he certainly couldn't rely on Red to be of any assistance in his current state.
"I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop seeing it" she decided to continue with what she came here to say anyway, bravely taking a few more steps forward until she stood halfway between the doorway she came from and where Red sat on the bed.
"Look, Lizzie, if you've come to-"
"I've come to apologize" she interrupted and she watched his brow furrow in response.
"What?" Was all he managed, as he wiped a hand over his face.
"The memories, every time I closed my eyes it's all I saw"
"Lizze" Red sighed. "I'm sorry you had to-"
"No, Red, I was wrong" she admitted quietly, taking two more steps closer. "The first time I saw it, voices were muffled, visions were blurred, I saw what I wanted to see, not necessarily what was true"
"Okay..." Red treaded cautiously, still unsure exactly where she was going with this. His brain was practically swimming in alcohol, in hindsight, this may not have been his best idea but it was all he could think to do to numb his anguish for at least a few hours.
"You were there, that night" She began and he hung his head slightly.
"Lizzie, I-" he began but stopped abruptly when she took the last remaining step to close the distance between them and sat next to him on the bed, placing her hand to rest on his forearm.
"You were there, but not in the way I thought you were" she admitted softly and he could do little more than stare at her as he waited to hear what else she had to say.
"You pulled me from that closet. You... tried to save me" she continued and he tore his gaze away from her and hung his head.
"Red, why didn't you tell me?" She begged to know the answer and he shook his head slightly.
"Lizzie, that memory..." He paused to let out a sigh. "It was not only the last, but the only memory you had of your father and I... I couldn't bear to take it away from you" he admitted, and the torment in his voice had Lizzie's eyes welling up with un-shed tears.
"But it was you" Lizzie reiterated, straightening her shoulders in an attempt to regain her composure so she would be brave enough to continue.
"And it was you lying on the floor, right?" She asked and she saw him work his jaw slightly and she knew she hadn't been wrong. It was his tell.
"You risked your life for mine" she continued, pushing herself up onto her knees and positioning herself slightly behind him where he remained seated. "Tell me I'm wrong" she said softly next to his ear and it surprised him slightly as he hadn't noticed with his eyes closed and head still swimming that she had moved.
"Lizzie, I told you, the memories of a four year old cannot be relied upon" he grumbled in an attempt to sway her from uncovering too many truths all at once. "What you do or don't remember is not a rabbit hole that I intend to go down with you. It is for your own safety and I know that it is impossible to understand but... I cannot willingly put you at any more risk" he mentioned and Liz sighed from behind him.
"Red, I may not know much of anything surrounding the details of that night, but the parts I do remember... I want them to be true" she explained and in the next moment Red felt her arms come over his shoulders from behind and her hands were on his chest, fingers delicately working on the first button to his dress shirt.
"Lizzie" Red warned in a low, graspy voice as his hand covered hers in an attempt to still them.
"Red" Liz practically pleaded his name, slipping one hand out from under his and gently lifting his away. She was surprised at how easily he allowed her to pull his hand away until suddenly he jerked his hand from under hers and caught her wrist in his tight fist.
"Lizzie, I'm telling you-"
"Red, I'm asking you" Lizzie quickly responded. "Please. I need to know, for myself" she explained and after a few silent seconds passed between them Red's grip on her wrist slowly loosened until he let his hand fall into his lap again.
Liz took a breath, readying herself before bringing her hands back up to his shirt and continuing on working each button of his shirt. When she reached the final button and the shirt hung open on his front she brought her hands up to his shoulders, letting out one more slow breath before her hands pushed the shirt free from his shoulders until it fell in a pool behind him on the bed, his forearms still in the sleeves but the rest of him free of anything to shield her from seeing the truth.
Hot tears instantly filled Lizzie's eyes as her gaze ran over the scarred and matted remnants of flesh on his back. Each line and groove of sparsely recovered skin telling the story of a man who attempted to save a little girls life and ended up face down in a burning house for his trouble.
Cautiously she brought her hands down to place gently on the backs of his shoulder blades and she felt him suck in a breath the moment she made contact. With fresh tears beginning to roll down her cheeks she began mapping the scars of his back, tracing the patches of off-coloured pigment gently with her fingertips, each raised bump of skin being committed to memory.
"Red" she practically sobbed his name before throwing her arms around his neck and hugging her back to him; her cheek pressed against his shoulder blade and her hands clasped in front of his chest.
Red heaved a sigh before bringing his hands up to take hers, pressing them against his steadily beating heart and holding them there.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be truthful with you Lizzie" Red choked out; his own tears threatening to fall.
"I'm sorry for the awful things I said to you earlier" Lizzie whispered against his back before lifting her head just enough to turn it slightly, leaning forward she pressed her lips to the middle of his shoulder blades, causing an involuntary shudder from Red and his first and only tear to escape.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, each just revelling in the comfort the embrace provided them both, heart beats slowing as they fell into a steady rhythm together and Lizzie's tears eventually subsiding.
"So, what now?" Red asked, clearing his throat.
"Now I think we could both use some sleep" Liz answered reluctantly, placing her chin atop his shoulder and Red let out a small chuckle.
"I do suppose you're right. I would insist I walk you out but I'm not sure how I'd fair on the staircase just yet. I can have Dembe-"
"Red" Liz ceased his rambling, pulling a hand out from under his and placing it on his shoulder. Red craned his neck to the side to look at her and she offered a small smile before scooting herself back slightly and pulling first one sleeve of the shirt free from his arm then the other and tossing it over the arm of the nearby chair.
Red watched her carefully as she placed her hand on his shoulder once more and gently pushed, gesturing him to lay down which he did, albeit reluctantly at first.
"Does it hurt?" Lizzie found herself asking as she stared down at him from where he lay on his back and he smiled slightly at her.
"No" he told her, his voice a low rumble. "Not anymore"
She nodded in response before lowing herself down on her side, much to his surprise. He lifted his right arm and she lay her head down on his shoulder, arm draping across his naked chest as he curled his right arm around her shoulders, holding her to him.
"Night Red" she mumbled into his neck.
"Only sweet dreams now, Lizzie" Red countered, leaning down slightly to place a kiss to her forehead.
A/N: My first fanfic! I think we all wanted to scream at our televisions when we saw the exchange between Red and Liz when she came to. It just broke my heart *sigh* so, I had to write something. Hope you enjoyed and if it's not too much trouble, maybe leave me a review letting me know. Hopefully this is the first of many fics to come from me for this amazing fandom!