Word count: around 1600

Genre: humour

Rating: worksafe-ish

Note: Re-posted, although not re-written. My apologies for the possible errors and the fact that my style of writing may have changed drastically in the time since I've written this.

"No fucking way in hell."

They were nuts. All nuts. If they forced him to go through with this, he was going slaughter them. All of them.

"There's no one else who can do it, as you very well know, Kanda. Lenalee and Allen is leaving for another mission tonight, and Miranda…is out of the question." (Meaning she'd freak if she was presented with such a big mission just at the beginning of her carrier as an Exorcist, and even more so since it was an undercover mission.)

He wouldn't even bother to soil Mugen because of this. He'd kill them with his bare hands. Slowly and painfully.

"…besides, I bet you'd look reaaally pretty in a dress, Yuu!"

Especially him. He would die first.

"No."

"Aww c'mon…! It's not such a big deal!"

"Then you wear the goddamn dress!"

"You know I can't do that, boss. We've already presented me to the baron as Captain Henriksen."

"…go see him alone then."

"But it's a dance!" Lavi flailed his arms. "It'd be totally pathetic for me to show up without a lady!"

"Damn it, Lavi, I'm not dressing up as your date!"

Komui clapped his hands a couple of times to bring the two bickering teenager's attention back to him. "There there. Stop fighting. Kanda, I'm sorry about this, I truly am, but we really don't have anyone else. I wish there was some other way to go about this mission, but there isn't. Please. I'm asking you to be mature about this. Otherwise we're going to have to change the request into an order, because we need to take a look at the baron's cellar, and since he's continued to refuse the Order's demands… this is the only plan we've been able to come up with so far."

…or maybe he should kill Komui first. Fuck them all.

Oooo

Despite the fact that they were all apparently oh-so-busy, it seemed like practically all the females in the headquarters had still been able to find time in the schedule to "help" Kanda to dress up for the "big night". There were at least seven of them assembled in the room which Kanda had been assigned in the mansion one of the Order's supporters had provided for them.

Lenalee frowned in concentration as she applied the make-up, carefully shaping Kanda's face and softening the lines to make him look more female. Miranda was positioned behind him, fiddling with his hair, and talking softly to Lenalee. The two girls tried very hard to not show their amusement, as did the maids which were supposed to be helping him with the fucking dress, but it was quite obvious that they found it to be very, very hard not to giggle as his scowl turned darker and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Please don't pout like that, Kanda, you're making me mess up the lipstick," Lenalee pointed out.

"I. Am. Not. Pouting." Kanda growled.

"…maybe not usually. I think that I can recognize that as your 'talk to me and get severely wounded'-look, but trust me… with the makeup and the hair… you're pouting."

After that remark, he just did his very best to look neutral.

The corset had to be the worst part of it, by far. Not even the make-up came anywhere close to it, no matter how much he detested the heavy layers of coal and red sticky lipstick which had been artfully applied to his face to make him look (even more) female. Not even the goddamn shoes – which it had taken him an hour to learn how to walk in – was as bad as the motherfucking corset. He couldn't breath, and he had keep his back absolutely straight at all times, otherwise he felt like was going to crack his spine.

Gripping his laced fan so hard his knuckles whitened under the long silk gloves (he hated to admit it, but the outfit had done a pretty good job with hiding everything in his appearance which would betray him as a male; the gloves were for the - not very rich, but still - hairs on his arms) and holding the dress up to not get his feet stuck in it and make even more of a fool of himself by tripping or something, he entered the salon, stopping just inside the door and looking around for Lavi.

He was standing in the far side of the room talking enthusiastically to Allen. Allen and Reever had been in charge of dressing the redhead up for the night, and Kanda had to admit… Lavi shaped up pretty damn well.

Allen saw him first, and Kanda's eyes narrowed as the boy raised his hand to his mouth and turned his face away; it was pretty obvious that Allen had a hard time not laughing straight out.

Okay. That settled it. He'd kill the moyashi first.

"—and then he said he was sorry but he had some important business stuff to take care of, and practically ran outta there, it was totally obvious that he was gonna go see if he could have a look at—holy shit Yuu!"

Lavi's one visible eye almost popped out of his head as he caught sight of Kanda in the doorway. Kanda didn't feel satisfied in the slightest as the Bookman apprentice didn't only stare; he was gaping in shock. He didn't fucking want the other man to ogle him while dressed in women's clothes, damn it. It wasn't like it was hard enough to deal with him already; now he'd probably have to come up with new ways to beat Lavi up for coming with suggestions that he should be dressing in drag more often.

Or something.

"Shut your mouth, idiot, before I shut it for you," Kanda said as he started walking – pretty slowly, shit, he'd never be able to fight in these shoes – over to the redhead, the fabric of the skirt swishing around his legs. He'd barely started moving before Allen made a face. "What?" he snapped at the boy.

"If you keep move about like that, you're going to ruin everything straight away," Allen said, shaking his head. "You have to be aware of your every movement, sway your hips, move your feet lightly, as if you're dancing even as you walk."

"Why don't you put on the damn dress, if you know so well how it's supposed to be done?" Kanda said.

"No can do," Allen said, smiling brightly –oh how he just wanted to grab his face and rip that smile straight of it. "Come on, look, it's not hard, just try to think move… girly, try to pretend that you're showing of your hips by swaying them as you walk… like this."

It was… more than a little bit disturbing to watch Allen suddenly starting to move as if he was liquid. His hips rolled into every step, he looked like he thought that he was walking on glass… he looked like he was aware of every single move he made, and even more aware of what kind of reaction it could provoke in the people around him. Like he knew he looked sexy and enjoyed to let people know he did.

…not that Kanda thought that the brat looked sexy, of course. It was just that he couldn't find any other way to describe the way Allen walked…

It reminded Kanda of how he moved when he was practicing with his sword. He closed his eyes for a short moment, fighting to calm down his highly strung nerves, reaching for his core of calm. The fact that he wasn't allowed to keep Mugen by his side during this mission didn't help much, but after a few moments of forcing his breath to even out, he managed to get his shoulders to stop shaking from anger and got his body to relax – or well, as much as he could get it to relax while wearing that fucking corset at least - and then he took a small step forward.

He tried to ignore the fact that every single person in the room probably followed his stride with interest, and then he came to a halt and looked up, one eyebrow raised. Lavi was… still staring; seems like he shouldn't expect much help there, but Allen was nodding his approval – not that Kanda cared about what the boy thought… it was just that he obviously knew more about this matter than he did (how the fuck did he know so much about it anyway?). Kanda snorted and placed one hand on his hip.

"Good. Shall we get this idiocy over and done with, then?" He motioned toward the door.

Allen elbowed Lavi in the ribs, making the redhead jump. "Oi!" he said, looking startled. "Why'd you do that fo—"

"You're supposed to offer your lady your arm, stupid," Allen said, rolling his eyes. This earned him yet another glare from Kanda – he wasn't a lady, damn it. (And he wasn't Lavi's either…)

"Eh, right." Lavi stepped forward, a strange look gracing his features as he raised his elbow and crooked it so that Kanda could tuck his hand in under it, and so they were off. Allen, Lenalee, Miranda and Komui were standing in the doorway, waving at them as the carriage rolled towards the gates. Lavi was hanging out of the window to be able to wave back, and just before they got out of hearing distance from the huge house, Kanda could hear Komui call out to them:

"Make sure that none of the noblemen steals him away! It'd be a shame to lose such an excellent Exorcist just because he happens to look pretty in a dress!"

Maybe he could cut both Allen and Komui's stomachs open and strangle them with each others' intestines?