"Garrus, I'm not sure about this," Shepard said, tugging at the hem of her dress. Well, Garrus said it was a dress. She suspected in the real world, it would probably be called a bandage.
He slapped her hand away.
"Darling, don't worry. Garebear's got you. And you are going to be-"
"Fabulous. I know, Garrus. But these heels? I can't walk in these heels." She looked down woefully at the strappy death-traps Kasumi had pressed on her. "Can't I just wear my own shoes?"
Garrus looked at her with his saddest, most betrayed expression.
"Shepard, my darling, my dearest friend. You know I adore you, right?"
"Yeess…"
"And you know I respect you, right?"
She frowned.
"…yeeess…"
"And you're a hell of a soldier."
"The point, Vakarian?"
"The point, my dear, is that your taste in shoes is utter and complete shit. And I will not be seen dead with you while you're wearing those awful things."
"But I can walk in my own shoes!"
"You can walk in these," he said heartlessly.
She took an experimental step, and nearly fell.
"Don't stomp, darling!" Garrus cried. "You need to float. You are a leaf on the wind. You are graceful and beautiful and every man who's not staring at me will be staring at you."
"I don't stomp, Garrus."
"Trust me," Kasumi said, appearing suddenly with a tray of…make-up? "You stomp, Shepard. Just…imagine you're walking on eggs. Or clouds. And don't look at your feet."
"Chin up, Shepard," Garrus said, standing back a bit so that Kasumi could start putting things on Shepard's face.
"Kasumi, I already –pff- have make-up on!"
"That?" Kasumi asked. "That's just a primer. Garrus, how's this?"
Garrus leaned in and stared at Shepard's mouth.
"Mmm. Maybe a bit more red? And more glossy."
Kasumi swiped more paint over Shepard's lips, and Garrus nodded.
"Perfect, darling. Now, the eyes?"
"Ohh, I have just the thing," Kasumi said, and lifted a small pot.
Garrus shrieked and clapped his hands together.
"Glitter! Kasumi, you're a genius!"
Shepard stood still while Garrus and Kasumi dusted glitter over her eyelids, cheekbones, hair and…assets.
"Can I have a shawl or something?" she asked eventually.
The two of them stared at her.
"What on earth for?" Kasumi asked.
Shepard gestured – her nails were a sparkly bright red, courtesy of Garrus – at her breasts, which felt like they were staying in the damn dress only through a special act of God.
"But they're really great tits, Shepard," Garrus said. "And they look fabulous."
"I'm not used to them being on display like that," Shepard said. They did look fabulous, she conceded, perfect pale mounds rising out of the scarlet sheath she wore, dusted lightly with fine glitter.
"If I had tits like those, I'd wear straps like Jack's," Kasumi said. "Best battlefield distraction ever."
"I doubt my tits would stop an angry krogan," Shepard said drily.
"Maybe not, but they'd definitely distract the humans," Garrus said, fastening a ribbon around her throat. "oh, there," he said. "You look edible, darling!"
Shepard smiled.
"You don't look so bad yourself," she said.
Garrus didn't look bad at all, she thought. She probably wouldn't have bared quite so much of her waist if she was a turian, but Garrus had no modesty and she had to admit, the stripes he'd painted on his plates was…a pretty effective attention grabber. And the boots were…well, they were high, and they were black, and they were shiny, and they hugged his legs all the way up. And he had glitter on too. Not a lot. Not nearly as much as he and Kasumi had inflicted on her, but there was just no way the edges of his plates sparkled that much naturally, and when he turned his head the tiny diamond studs in his crest winked at her.
He smirked.
"I know, darling. Now, are you ready?"
"I still want a scarf. Or a shawl. Or a sweater. I'm going to catch my death."
But Garrus had his arm under hers and was sweeping her along despite her protests, and she sighed.
Why do I let them talk me into these things?