Pacific Hell, Chapter One.

DON'T TEABAG!

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This was written and posted in about under an hour. Call me crazy if you want, but insane is the proper medical term.

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OK, so this fic is a real parody that probably contains more inappropriate mentions than your average parent giving you the sex talk. Maybe. Also, if you have a problem with Jaegers being disturbing, this is the fic for you! And if you don't have a problem, this is also the fic for you!

DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU, BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT! :D

~Pryo, your resident maniac

-.-.-.-

An alarm sounded in the bunk room of the brother pilots of the Big Blue Jaeger, Gipsy Boatsworder. I mean Gipsy Danger.

Nyan nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan, nyan nyan nyan,

"SHUT THAT BLOODY THING OFF YOU LITTLE PRICK!" Yancy screeched from the top bunk, startling his little brother into the Land Of The People Who Are Awake And Confused To Heck And Back. Or LOTPWAAACTHAB for short.

"Huh? What's going on?" Raleigh asked, sleeping getting up and punching his Nyan Cat Alarm Clock in the Poptart. That accidentally broke the colourful strobe-light LCD screen, so he bopped it on the head instead.

"KAIJU ALERT, BRAH! GET YOUR ASSES INTO GEAR, BRAHS!" Tendo the Surfer With Totally Fantastic Hair yelled over the intercoms at the brothers. "You know, this coffee could really use some ururmrmrmrrhhh!"

"This is Stacker Pentecost. Plan Delta-Guilty-Spark-Joe-Turkery is now in action." Pentecost said, interrupting the poor technician and finally getting through to the Beckett Brothers.

"On it boss!" Raleigh whisper-yelled at the speaker in the ceiling, doing a really bad mock-salute.

"I HEARD THAT!"

"Run for your life!" Yancy exclaimed, sprinting to the door. "Last one in his drive-suit is a pile of Kaiju Crap!"

"Nuuuuuuuuuuu!" Raleigh cried, falling to his knees, "Not the Kaiju Crap!" he moaned, but got up and sprinted towards their Jaeger anyway.

-.-.-.-

A little bit later… like seriously, a few hours later…

They were suited up in the drop-pod. All ready a geared for action.

"The Kaiju got taken out by a rogue Godzilla, brahs. Looks like you two missed this one." Tendo reported, slurping loudly on some nice hot coffee. Or at least that was what they hoped he was slurping on.

"OK… so… Now what?" Raleigh asked, shifting uncomfortably. "Do we just go on patrol or..?"

"KAIJU INCOMING!" Pentecost yelled, his face on the screen looking like his eyes had popped out his head in surprise or madness. Probably madness. "Those bastards are way off-schedule! KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!"

Yancy glared at Raleigh, who was busy screaming something about lifehax. "Dude. Dude! DUDE!"

Raleigh stopped suddenly, looking like a monkey with a bananana-frenzy going on while being shot with a freeze ray. "Huh?"

"Wanna go kill that Kaiju?"

"Sure!" Raleigh perked up considerably, flinging a mysterious remote control behind him. "DEATH TO THE COMMIE BASTARDS!"

"Brah! Wrong war, man!" Tendo shouted, trying to get the pilot under control. It failed miserably.

"I AM A JAEGER, I CAN FIGHT CURRY-CANES! BLARG!"

Everyone in the Shatterdome facepalmed. Raleigh was by far their worst pilot yet. His brain was wired differently to everyone else's… he could Drift with anyone, yet he was so bloody wacko that compatibility tests said that killing a Kaiju by throwing an inflatable shark at it would be more likely than finding him a partner.

-.-.-.-

Even more later…

The Gipsy Danger stands at around about… that high. Maybe. I can't see from here.

Of course not.

Oh hey Yancy! Fancy meeting you here!

Insert mental facepalm here.

Don't make me hit you.

BRING IT ON MOTHER-

-.-.-.-

Knifehead watched at the big robot in front of him started to punch itself in the face repeatedly, before executing a self-crotch-kicking, two flying spin kicks to the back of its head, before finally unleashing a blast from its nuclear turbine into a mirror in an attempt to… something itself. Knifehead didn't really understand any of it. He did, however, enjoy munching on this little fishing boat he'd found a few hours ago.

Omnomnomnom.

The blue robot suddenly stopped and seemed to stare at the nomming Kaiju. It make a few motions with its hands that could be terribly interpreted as "You wanna go hide behind that beach and have some fun?"

Fortunately for the robot, Knifehead saw it as "How long have you been watching?"

The Kaiju held up about 13 fingers, with the help of its smaller arm-thingies too. He didn't really have a name for those. Maybe George for the left one, and Martha for the right.

OW!

Knifehead stared blankly at his wrist. Where'd it go? The beast thought as it continued to chomp on said hand. Hmm… he might need to go home and get a new one.

-.-.-.-

"Start the rockets!" Yancy yelled, positioning the Jaeger's unsightly crotch over the really really really really really big Goblin Shark Wannabe. "Giswoo, prepare to meet your doom!" Yancy screamed over the speaker systems the brothers had installed for taunting Kaiju.

"Rockets at 90%... oh lets just go already!" Raleigh said gleefully as the three started moving in sync. "And… MUSIC!"

Dandaandandan, CRUNCH CRUNCH, CRUNCH CRUNCH, dan dan dan dan dan, dan dan, CRUNCH CRUNCH! Their Jaeger teabagged in time to the classical music, each hit leaving the Kaiju with a different expression on its shocked face.

CRUNCH CRUNCH, CRUNCH CRUNCH, the rockets fired the Jaeger skywards for about ten meters, before sending it straight back down to teabag Knifehead.

"WAIT!" Raleigh screeched madly, causing everything to freeze and the music to stop.

"Hur?" Knifehead grunted, tilting his head at the odd robot.

"We forgot to ask Tendo about his date!" Raleigh exclaimed, holding his arms out in front of him like he was about to clutch his head. Knifehead took this as a sign, and grabbed the Jaeger's outstretched hands happily. Yancy spun around to face his brother, grabbed his face, and started shaking the heck out him. Meanwhile, the loudspeakers started up again, blaring some crazy kind of Mexican professional dance music. Or it might have been the Waltz.

Either way, with Raleigh's arms still outstretched and Yancy's shaking the heck out him, the Gipsy Danger started to do some bizzaro Waltz-fancydance-humparoo kind of thing on Knifehead, who really didn't appreciate this. He didn't want to be humped, he wanted to be doing the humping!

"If we go ask Tendo about his date, will you shut up and bash this bloody Kaiju with me?" Yancy asked, finally letting Raleigh go.

"Mebe."

"ARGH!" Yancy punched Raleigh in the face, accidentally starting up the rockets again in the process before he went back to shaking his little brother.

Knifehead started getting humped extra hard at light speed! He got humped so hard he went flying into an iceberg and got stuck there. He kept trying to wiggle his way out but the Jaeger had moved closer, and closer… and started doing a Hawaiian dance, smashing the hip into his poor face with every swing.

Then, finally, the Kaiju got some peace and quiet.

-.-.-.-

"TENDO!" Raleigh yelled at the surfer in a suit, sprinting back madly in the Gipsy Danger with Yancy. Knifehead wasn't that far behind, but he was clutching his stomach. He was kind exhausted, plus there might have been something in that boat… his stomach grumbled loudly enough to be heard all through Alaska.

"HOW WAS YOUR DATE!?" Yancy screamed, trying to get them back on track as fast as possible. Was he the only one around here that was even slightly sane?

"It went well! We had dinner and later we went back to his apartment to make out!" Tendo exclaimed confusedly, wondering why the heck this mattered when the biggest Cat-III Kaiju in history was barely a kilometre behind the stumbling Jaeger. Well, considering the damage done to the lower torso and upper legs, you could really understand why it was having such a hard time moving at all.

"OK, I'm good now." Raleigh said contentedly. "Now, about that Kaiju-"

"RAWR?!" Knifehead screamed in surprise, trying to slow down but only succeeding in lowing his head enough to…

Stab Gipsy Danger through the crotch.

"Oohh," everyone in the Shatterdome, and practically everyone in the world currently watching TV winced in sympathy.

"Ouch!" Yancy rasped, having been in control of the ball-bearing that Knifehead had cut through first.

"Bro! Did you see that! IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!" Raleigh squealed like an excited little boy getting his first chance to shoot something with a bazooka. Yancy knew because that's what actually happened. It also explained why Raleigh was so crazy… plus he was like 20 years old at the time.

"YARG!" Knifehead yelled, having his face stuck in the crotch of the Gipsy as it tumbled, turned, and twisted around.

"Hey, let's hump it and see if his brain explodes!" Raleigh suggested. Tendo thought it over in his head for a moment before putting his hand on Raleigh's shoulder and saying…

"You and I should get coffee some time."

"HOLY SHIT HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET IN HERE!?" Raleigh screamed, jerking backwards in ultimate surprise and accidentally yanking Knifehead's ugly face free. "I CALL LIFEHAX!"

Tendo then mysteriously disappeared as fast as he had gotten Raleigh coffee yesterday. So, unfortunately, the technician was gonna be there for a few hours.

"Bloody hell, Raleigh, you are a real-" CRUNCH.

"YANCY!" Raleigh screamed in anguish, but forced to sit back and watch as the rest of Knifehead hurtled past, taking half of the Conn-pod him. "What was it your were going to say about me!?"

"Ha! Suck on them apples, b-" Knifehead started to say-

BOOM!

"I don't like you killing my brother!" the younger Beckett yelled, doing one final hump to kill Knifehead with the Hidden Piston, sending it straight through the horrible Kaiju's face, and out the other side, sending a huge pile of brains into the air… over a cloud… and falling straight onto Newt the Kaiju Groupie, who was on one of the helipads on the Alaskan Shatterdome. The little guy immediately started hugging and messing around with the gooey substance, getting as much as possible down his underpants. What? They didn't call him the Kaiju Groupie for nothing! A whole city was saved because he delayed the Kaiju long enough that a Jaeger (not Gipsy Danger) could be deployed to kill it. Newt was strictly Pacifist, until his boyfriend (who denied everything violently) Hermann got involved.

Anyways, that last hump shattered what was left of the Gipsy Danger's hips. The Jaeger Torso fell into the water, with Tendo sent screaming into the icy water through the hole in the side of the Conn-pod.

"Welp, looks like I'm outa here," Raleigh shrugged, before hand-standing his way to shore, where he slowly looked around before quickly handstand-sprinting his way into the fog, away from everyone.

-.-.-.-

Further down the beach… like, a very very long way away…

The old man pointed his metal-detector at the sky. No reason, he just did that every now and then. He had a theory that if a meteor was incoming, it would have metal content and be detected by his detector.

BEEP

OK… it had never beeped while he pointed it at the sky before…

SPLAT

Gipsy Danger handwalked on into the Russian sunset, feeling like a hero… Meanwhile, Raleigh was busy picking himself up off this crazy old man he'd landed on. "Hey mista, you alright?"

"What the heck has gotten into you kids these days?" the bleeding man asked, his bones creaking as he got up.

"Drugs." Raleigh answered sternly and matter-of-factly.

The old man had an expression that could be described as capital oh, underscore, capital oh. Like this! O_O

-.-.-.-

Stacker Pentecost stared at the screen in horror. This would not go down well with the media… he could almost see the headlines now… "Insane Jaeger Humps Kaiju To Death".

If he ever got his hands on that idiot again, he'd introduce him to his daughter. And then tell him that if he so much as thinks about her, Stacker would violently murder him and feed him to Tendo. Not that Tendo would know he's being fed "Crème de la Raleigh".

Maybe…

So instead he walked off to organise his paperwork alphabetically and size-based. Smaller and first letters on top, just the way he liked it.

Tendo reappeared in the Shatterdome like nothing had happened. Yancy got reborn as a twitchy hyperactive squirrel named Joe. Raleigh got a job as King of Raleigndia. The remaining parts of the Gipsy Danger attacked Australia and was covered in so much seaweed it got called Mutavore, and headbutted Striker Eureka in the nuts a few times before accidentally looking up and being so scarred for life at what it saw (up the Scottish Jaeger's Kilt-plates) that it lost all sentience (courtesy of a deceased Ranger reincarnated as Joe) and promptly ran mecha-screaming back into the ocean to find its legs and retire to Jaeger Bay. Or Oblivion Bay. It couldn't remember anymore anyway, it had a magnet fetish.

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And that is the crappy parody of Pacific Rim prologue over! If you want more, or less, or are just happy with what you've just been scarred for life with, review! If its anything else you'd like to say, review! If you don't want to review, GO TALK TO MY MANAGER, CHERNO ALPHA.

~Pyro, le sweet and lovely spawn of chaos *innocent smiley here* ^_^