I wrote this as a break from all the depressingness of my other fanfic. It is very light, on the boundary of mad, and utterly ridiculous, but I wanted to go for something different and fun. Way more informal and relaxed than my usual writing. However, since I am unable to write something that has no point behind it there will be a tint of seriousness. But only a tint. Be kind please in reviews as I don't normally write humour (and am very nervous about it being read) and I also found this incredibly hard to do. Also if anyone spots any inaccuracies chronologically I do know I may be a little off (but only in very minor details) Try and enjoy.
Warning: Not suitable for serious people
Warning: S3 spoilers
Apologies for any spelling/ grammar mistakes.
All credit for the characters and of course Downton Abbey goes to the illustrious Julian Fellowes.
Alfred and Jimmy were sitting in the servant's hall polishing silver that they had only gone over a few days before, recognising how tiresome it had all become they had decided to embark on a more relaxing venture, and even throw some fun into the mix, by suggesting some games they could play whilst working. It was when Alfred suggested the game of 'dares' that they both agreed that this would be perfect for two young lads looking to cause some chaos.
"All right, if we're going to do this we need rules." Alfred said.
"What's the point in that?" Jimmy thought that the whole idea was to get away from the restraints on their lives.
"So we don't get sacked."
"True." Jimmy agreed. "First off, it has to stay downstairs-"
"Can't interfere with our work or the running of the household-"
"The dares have to be witnessed by one of us-"
"No one can know or even suspect that we're playing-"
"I can't do anything explicitly regarding Mr Barrow-" Jimmy insisted. It may have been a year since the whole 'kiss in the night' incident but it was still very awkward between them as things had been kept strictly professional ever since, unless there were other people around, and Jimmy didn't think Alfred was above daring Jimmy to go and kiss the under butler, or something equally inappropriate.
"Fine, then I can't do anything explicitly regarding Ivy-"
"Fine." Jimmy said reluctantly, though he and Alfred were good friends now it still found it tedious to hear the second footman talk endlessly about the kitchen maid when she had shown little interest in him. However since his flirting skills were so bad, and even acted as a repellent, it was hard to tell whether this was why the maid still distanced herself from him, or just because he wasn't her type. Jimmy didn't have the heart to tell Alfred the truth, for it was bad enough that Alfred knew the girl still had a slight crush on him, but Jimmy was glad it had not affected their friendship. "Any more rules?"
"The dares have to be with us."
"What do you mean?"
"Like we can't put stuff in the food or move things around. It has to come from us, things we say or do." Alfred said.
"All right." Damn, that means I can't get him to steal one of Lady Edith's corsets and wear it. "So many rules, is it worth it?"
"I think that's what'll make it more fun, because it'll be harder." Alfred grinned. "When do we stop?"
"When the first man surrenders his manhood by chickening out, or when someone finds out what we're doing."
"What does the winner get?"
"Bragging rights to eternal manhood!" Jimmy announced dramatically. Not that I need it, with hair like mine who needs manhood?
"Awesome." That will win over Ivy for sure. "When shall we start?"
"I think maybe a practice one to begin with. Just something small. A confidence booster like."
"Good thinking."
Jimmy strummed his fingers on his chin in thought. "During dinner when someone asks us a question, you have to start your answer with: 'That would be sexy…' or 'Me pants are too tight…'"
Oh god. "Then you have to say: 'I have man problems…' or 'I'm too pretty…'"
Oh god, man problems? "What kind of man problems?" Jimmy dared to ask.
"Whatever you can think of."
The servants were gathering for dinner, the time where most of these dares would take place as it would cause the least amount of disruption, and it was here that their practice round would take place. The footmen exchanged a hand shake before entering and sat beside one another in their usual places, opposite Mr Barrow and Anna. Both lads experiencing the same thing; terror.
"Now, the family are going to be away at Duneagle in a few days, but I don't want you to think that you can take advantage of the fact that there will only be Mr Branson to cater for. It'll be all hands on deck; there is a lot to be done while they're away." Mr Carson announced to the staff; who rolled their eyes at the thought of just cleaning non- stop for ten days.
"Surely they can have some time off, Mr Carson? They deserve a treat." Mrs Hughes said quietly, not wanting others to think she was challenging Mr Carson.
"If they get the work done, I will think about it." Mr Carson compromised with the housekeeper to her satisfaction.
Mrs Patmore came in from the kitchen with Daisy and Ivy to serve up dinner, Alfred shrivelled up when the cook started speaking to him, hoping she would not ask him a question. "Alfred, Mr Barrow's going to Thirsk tomorrow to pick up some ginger for me, maybe you'd like to go with him?"
Say it, just say it, for eternal manhood. "That would be sexy."
"Sexy?" Mrs Patmore shrieked.
"That would be sexy! I find spices very sexy Mrs Patmore." Seeing Jimmy smirk, Alfred decided that the first footman should share his humiliation. "How about you Jimmy, would you fancy it?"
Jerk. You're manlier than Alfred, Jimmy, you can do this. "I have man problems, but I'll try."
"Man problems? Sounds serious," Mr Barrow said, "What kind of man problems?"
Bet you'd like to know, since you're obsessed with me. "I have man problems with… me hair."
"Never heard that one before." The under butler wondered. "I'm sure you can walk to Thirsk with your 'man/hair problem' can't you?"
Is he that desperate to be near me that he would risk me hair?! "I'm too pretty for that."
"For walking?"
"I have man problems!" Jimmy cried.
"Right." Mr Barrow looked at Jimmy suspiciously. "You're up to it though aren't you Alfred, you haven't got man problems?"
"Me pants are too tight." Alfred replied.
"What?"
"Me pants are too tight, Mr Barrow."
"Maybe you should get new ones then?"
"That would be sexy."
"Sexy?"
"Me pants are too tight!" Alfred said painfully.
"I think they must be." Mr Barrow eyed up the second footman warily.
"Mr Carson, can they go into Thirsk tomorrow?" Mrs Hughes asked the butler, who wasn't quite sure what to make of what he had just seen.
"If they behave themselves, though I suppose if Alfred needs new underwear then he'll have to if it's causing him such distress. Do you want to go James?"
"I have man problems, but I'll manage." Jimmy said.
"I hope these man problems don't stop you from working." Mr Carson raised an eyebrow.
"I'm too pretty to work."
"No one is too pretty to work." Mr Carson bellowed in offence.
"I have man problems though." Jimmy squeaked.
"Maybe when we're in Thirsk we can pick something up for James' problem; a comb… or a gag." Mr Barrow suggested whimsically.
"Sounds like a right girl's day out." Anna commented.
"Shall we do that James?" The under butler raised his voice, as the first footman didn't want to look at him in his embarrassment.
"I'm too pretty to wear a gag." Jimmy mumbled, scratching at the pile of mashed potato on his plate with his fork.
"And we'll get some pants for Alfred; if you don't mind us being there?" Mr Barrow continued.
"That would be sexy."
"Why is everything sexy?" Mrs Hughes deigned to ask.
"Me pants are too tight!" Alfred widened his eyes at Mrs Hughes, as if he were actually in some form of distress.
"I don't think I want to go any further."
"I don't blame you Mrs Hughes." Even Mr Barrow was scared of what he was seeing.
Mr Carson interrupted the commotion, "Very well, you three may go to Thirsk, only because I don't think Mr Branson will need an under butler, not to mention two floundering footmen who are suffering from man problems and tight pants!" He aimed a glare at the two footmen who were causing such trouble.
"Thank you Mr Carson. What do you say lads?" Mr Barrow smiled. Giving the footmen some cause to think the under butler knew exactly what was going on, with all his questions.
"That would be sexy, thank you." Alfred said.
"I'm too pretty to serve Mr Branson." I am really. "Thank you."
"Alfred, do you want to leave the room?" Mr Barrow offered, but more as a punishment than the blessing it was to the second footman.
"That would be sexy." Alfred stood, as the under butler made Jimmy a similar offer.
"That's what I'm afraid of. What about you James? Do you need to leave the room?"
"I'm too pretty to be around all of you." He said vainly, laying down his cutlery and making a show of himself as he smoothed down his clothes.
"Oh Alfred, change your pants would you?" Mr Barrow ordered.
"Me pants are too tight."
"Would you like James to help you?"
Bet you'd like that wouldn't you? The pervert! "That would be-"
"Yes all right off you go." Mr Barrow cut Alfred off, as the footmen vacated the room.
As soon as they were out of earshot the errant footmen burst into uncontrolled laughter.
"That were terrifying." Jimmy eventually said, when he could breathe.
"Aye, lucky we got out of there."
Jimmy nodded. "Do you think Mr Barrow knows?"
"Nah, he's not that smart."
"I reckon he is." People say he is, and the things he says sometimes-
"A man who would rather kiss a bloke than a girl can't be that smart." Alfred pointed out.
"I think Mr Barrow might surprise you." Jimmy mused.
"If you say so."
"Anyway you best change out of your pants." Jimmy laughed.
"Me pants are too tight."
"Sexy!"
Thank you for giving this a go. I know this is very silly, but I hope enjoyable.