April Fools' Day
Hermione and Severus battle to outwit one another on April Fools' Day. Who will win this year?
"George, really! You don't have some more discreet packaging?" Hermione asked, as he tried to hand her a box that kept changing colors, with the phrase "Now Individually Wrapped!" blinking frantically on the side.
George grinned ear to, well, hole. "Hermione, honestly," he chided,"what kind of prankster do you take me for?" He pulled out his wand and tapped the box three times. "Comicos Incognito!"
Much to Hermione's relief, the box turned to plain brown cardboard with a bit of twine tied around it.
"I mean, we've got to have recognizable branding, but when we sell these to students, they need a way to get them past Filch."
"George, you never cease to amaze me with your sneakiness. Are you sure you weren't supposed to be in Slytherin?" Hermione teased.
"Give me a break! And have to put up with that greasy git of a husband of yours for more than just Potions? No, thank you," he replied. "Besides, our style of tomfoolery has always been a little more… overt than the tendencies of slimy Slytherins." He paused, then narrowed his eyes at her and asked, "Why is it you need a Skiving Snackbox, anyway? Between you and Severus, you should be able to whip up any potion we've laced those sweets with."
"Now, George, don't go asking too many questions. You know what time of year it is," Hermione responded cryptically.
"Oh, right. I'd almost forgotten about that. How many years has it been? Six in a row?"
"Only five, but don't remind me! I am, however, determined to break his winning streak this year. Gryffindors don't give up, even in battles of deception."
"Well, I hope you can pull it off, Hermione," George said. "I'd pay Galleons to see the look on his face if he loses."
"When he loses," Hermione corrected him. "Thanks for the help!" she called, as she turned and exited Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, tucking the small box under her arm.
Five years. For the past five years, Severus and Hermione had battled for top honors on April Fools' Day, and Severus had come out victorious every single time. Hermione supposed that she should have known better than to propose such a contest, and with a Slytherin and reformed spy, no less. But, she had, and so far, none of her Gryffindor determination had been able to pull her through. This year would be different. This year, she thought, stubbornly, the dragon hide gloves are coming off.
Severus Snape put down the stack of essays he'd been grading and rubbed his eyes. There seemed to be more dunderheads in his classes this year than normal, and they seemed to have cared even less than usual on their final assignment before the commencement of Easter Holidays. So much less, in fact, that he'd just run out of red ink—again. As he bent over to retrieve a new bottle from his desk drawer, his eyes fell unto his desk calendar. Thursday, March 20th… that can't be right, he thought, then groaned. It usually took him two months to adequately plan and prepare his ritual April Fools' prank for Hermione.
He took great pride in besting her every year, especially since the entire thing had been her idea. It had all happened just after their second anniversary. They had been arguing about something inconsequential, if he remembered correctly, and he had insulted one of her more Gryffindor qualities, stating she would never be able to harness the finesse required to pull off anything remotely clandestine. Desperate to prove him wrong, as Hermione had never failed at anything she attempted (save for Divination), she had proposed the annual contest. He agreed, eager to engage in such a battle of wits with his bride.
The first year, Severus had been quite shocked at Hermione's ineptitude with stealth and trickery. "You'd think after setting my robes on fire, and stealing from my private stores, you would have been able to pull off a little prank," he had told her dryly. His own prank, had been, naturally, genius in its inception, although decidedly more cruel.
First, he had dosed her nightcap with a mild sleeping potion. Then, before morning, he slipped out of the bed, placed her wand in her hand, a reprogrammed Patented Daydream Charm (courtesy of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes) around her neck, and a sleeping black rat onto his pillow. Severus had then disillusioned himself so that he could watch the entire piece play out.
As she started to rouse, he pointed his wand at the charm to activate the dream he had created just for her. Before she even knew what was happening, Hermione found herself waking up in their bedroom. As she pointed her wand toward the curtains to open them, there was a loud pop, and the curtains turned into a pair of rats. She squealed, then tried to turn them back. Pop, pop, pop, more and more rats. She turned to Dream Severus, who had sat up beside her. "What is it my love?"
"Severus, it's just… rats! That's all my wand can do, conjure rats."
"Hermione you're being irrational," Dream Severus had said, grabbing her wand from her. He pointed the wand at himself and with another pop, he too was a rat. Hermione screamed, and the real Severus disabled the charm.
Hermione sat up with a start. She turned and saw the curtains were drawn, as they should be, with no signs of wand malfunction anywhere. She breathed a sigh of relief, and pushed her long, bushy hair from her face. Then, she noticed the wand in her hand and the small dark rodent on Severus's pillow; she promptly began to scream bloody murder.
Severus counted to ten, then couldn't hold back his laughter anymore. He disillusioned himself and Hermione saw him, tears of mirth streaming down his face.
There were some tense, choice words following, but, in the end, Hermione was a good sport, properly conceded failure, and accepted the rat as a gift. She had wanted to get another familiar after Crookshanks had passed, but nothing seemed to strike her fancy. This rat was slender, as far as rats go, and had greasy black fur. "I suppose it's only fitting that I keep your rodent doppelganger as a reminder of your impressive victory," she had said. They still had the blasted thing, too. Hermione had than decided to name him "Dopey", which she claimed was short for "Doppelganger", but he suspected she was taking a stab at him. She also insisted on the establishment of several rules, which included restrictions on dosing the other party with potion, or beginning the prank while the target is sleeping.
Now, what could he do this year? I'm getting too old for this.
Hermione gently stroked Dopey as she went over all the rules they had implemented after that first year. This year's prank was going to be tricky, but she was also certain she was going to win. They had failed to specific exactly when the pranks were allowed to commence, other than while the opposing party was sleeping. In order for her idea to pan out, she needed to get things underway a few days early. In addition, there had been no rule made prohibiting the use of potions on oneself, so she was in the clear. Severus would remain at Hogwarts until late in the evening, finishing up his grading before coming home for the holiday, so she needed to start immediately.
She placed Dopey gently in his bed, then hurried down to their basement laboratory. She was fairly certain they had all the ingredients on hand, but she would have to work quickly, and be able to replace enough of what she used to avoid Severus catching on. She'd have to put in an order with the apothecary in Diagon Alley first thing in the morning.
She opened the store cupboard and pulled out rubus idaeus leaves, ginger root, stinging nettle, mentha spicata, and chamomile, all the while wishing she had started her brewing the week prior.
Hermione had just finished cleaning the lab when she heard Severus come through the Floo upstairs, her potions being incorrectly labeled and hidden in her half of the potions storage cupboard. She hung up her apron and climbed the stairs to meet him.
"There you are, Severus. I take it the dunderheads left you some worse than usual pre-holiday essays to grade."
Severus slipped his hands around her waist and kissed her gently in greeting. "You can't even begin to imagine."
Hermione laughed. "You forget, my dear Professor—I 'm the one who helped Neville with his Potions essays. I believe I have a vague understanding of what you're talking about. Would you like a nightcap?"
"No, thank you. Those blasted students have worn me out so much, I don't think I'd be able to stay awake to finish."
"I'm feeling a bit knackered myself."
"Well, Mrs. Snape, shall we go through, then?" Severus asked, offering his arm. Hermione took his arm, and allowed herself to be led to the bedroom.
The next morning, Hermione woke and entered the kitchen to begin preparing breakfast. The fry up was halfway completed when she ran to the bathroom. Severus had heard her quickened footsteps run past the bedroom, which were followed by the slamming of the bathroom door and the unmistakable sound of violent retching. Immediately filled with concern, he jumped from the bed and rushed to her side. He found her on her knees, hands grasping the sides of the toilet bowl, and her face obstructed from view by her sweat-dampened hair. He knelt beside her and gently pushed the hair back from her face.
"Oh, Severus," she began, her voice weak and shaky,"you do not need to be here. This is so embarrassing. Please, just go and see to breakfast. I'm sure I'll be fine." She looked up to him and managed a small smile, but her eyes revealed a silent pleading for privacy.
He sighed, then responded, "If that is what you wish. But please, allow me." With a quick wave of his wand, her hair was off her face and in a neat braid down her back.
"Thank you," she whispered, before turning back to the bowl.
Severus hesitated but then, smelling something burning in the kitchen, quickly took his leave.
When her retching had stopped, Hermione summoned a vial of her potion and quickly downed it before she could succumb to another wave of nausea. Almost instantly, her stomach was tamed and she stood, turning to the sink to freshen up a bit. As she exited the bathroom, she dropped an orange and purple wrapper into the small waste basket.
"Feeling better?" Severus asked, surprised at how well the woman in front of him looked, given what he had seen just a few moments earlier.
"Much," she replied, reaching for her glass of pumpkin juice. "I'm so sorry I have to go into work today, Severus. "
"Think nothing of it. I'm sure many couples have had to endure holiday schedules that do not perfectly coincide. I'll find something to occupy my hours today." Like planning my April Fools' joke. "But," he continued, "should you be going in to work after the morning you've had? You turned in early last night, then woke to be greeted by a visitation from your previous meal."
"Well, I'm feeling right as rain now, but I promise, should I feel even the slightest bit ill, I will come straight home and let you pamper me back to good health. It was probably just something I ate that didn't agree with me."
After he had seen Hermione safely off to work, he was thankful for the quiet solitude with which to plot another agonizing demise for his dear wife. Well, I could always fake a Potions accident, he thought. He hadn't tried that before, and it would be fairly easy. He could claim to be working on a new potion, or a variation of a particularly nasty potion, and have things seems to go terribly wrong. I've seen so many students blow up and melt caldrons over the years; it can't be that difficult to manage. I'd better have some shields in place, though, just to be safe. He also realized he'd have to set up the illusion that he was working with extremely volatile ingredients, or even imitate the scents of specific components. Hermione would have to be one-hundred percent convinced that everything was real. And I'd better have some smaller things planned throughout the day, so she doesn't catch on that I'm up to something big. I could swap the salt and sugar, and then just claim I had no choice, that the students have simply been too taxing this term.
Had anyone had peaked through their parlor window at that particular moment, they would have caught a rare sight, indeed. Severus was not only lounging in his pajamas, paging through potions and charms books, but he was smiling. He worked like this, quite contentedly, until tea time. By then, he had mapped out his plan, and had a vague idea of a good story to go along with it. I should kick things off tonight, he thought, excited to get things started. After all, this will require some brewing, and I need practice with the scent and shield charms.
Both Hermione and Severus worked quite diligently over the Easter Holidays on their pranks. Hermione started almost every day with her head in the toilet, careful to drop the orange and purple wrappers in the bathroom's rubbish bin, and Severus, using disguised texts, continued researching scent mimicking charms and harmless potions that produce explosions.
In addition to his masterful prank planning, Severus felt quite certain he had figured out Hermione's April Fools' joke. After her third morning of retching, Severus had noticed the vibrantly colored wrapper half hidden in the trash. That, coupled with the afternoon naps Hermione began taking, it didn't take a genius to figure out her impressively Slytherin plan. Severus chuckled to himself while he brewed another test version of his fake potion. He had to give her credit though—faking a pregnancy, real vomit included, showed Gryffindor commitment and boldness. Including more subtle symptoms such as fatigue, frequent trips to the loo, and enlarged breasts (he was fairly certain she had shrunk her bras and shirts to achieve that illusion), that's where she earned some points for Slytherin sneak. But she should have been more careful with those Weasleys' wrappers.
April Fools' Day dawned bright and sunny. Hermione felt a tingle of excitement as she quickly got dressed and went to the kitchen to start breakfast. I've got him this year, she thought smugly.
Severus smiled to himself as he heard the now familiar sound of Hermione's feet running to the bathroom. Moving swiftly, he sneaked into the kitchen and swapped the salt and sugar, then proceeded to fix plates for Hermione and himself.
"Are you alright, love?" he asked as Hermione entered the room, looking slighted peaked, but smiling.
"I'll survive," she replied as she sat down.
"I really think you ought to make an appointment with your Healer, dear. You've been retching for more than a week, and I think we can be sure that it wasn't something you ate," Severus said smoothly.
"Well, I suppose I could have caught something," Hermione replied. "And, for your information, I have an appointment scheduled for this afternoon. I made it a few days back."
"Why didn't you say anything about it before?" Severus inquired, pouring coffee into her cup.
"Oh, I just didn't want you to worry. I'm sure it's just stress or something, but you're right—I'd better make sure it's nothing serious," Hermione replied, dumping a heaping spoonful of salt into her coffee.
"Exactly my point. I'm glad we agree, darling," Severus stated over the top of his coffee mug. He kept his eyes trained on her, holding his breath as he waited for her to pick up her cup.
And she did, slowly with one hand while the other was turning the page of The Daily Prophet. She blew across the top of the mug, cooling the liquid ever so slightly, then took a sip.
"Darn you, Severus!" Hermione screeched, sputtering as she spit the coffee back into the cup.
Severus smirked. "Happy April Fools' Day, Hermione."
"That's the best you could come up with?" Hermione asked as she poured the contaminated beverage down the sink. "I'm very disappointed. Not to mention I may have to brush my teeth again just to get the taste out of my mouth."
"Not my best effort, I know. However," he paused for effect, leaning forward slightly, "I did manage to best you with it, so I'm officially in the running. Unless you manage to pull the wool over my eyes with whatever you have planned, which I highly doubt you will, I still win."
"Severus, even if by chance I don't fool you this year, swapping the salt and sugar shouldn't even qualify. It's juvenile and tired."
"If you had to deal with the large group of dunderheads I've had to this past year, you wouldn't have time to concoct an elaborate prank, either."
"Excuses, excuses," Hermione chided before leaning down to give him a gentle kiss. "I guess I'll just have to be at the top of my game today."
"That you shall."
"Why Madam Snape, you're positively effervescent today. What's the occasion? You seem to be glowing with happiness."
Hermione smiled at her assistant. "It's April Fools' Day, Janice, and this year, I've got it in the bag."
Janice laughed, "I hope so. I would pay Galleons for the snarky Potions Master to be bested at something."
"As would I! Now, I've an appointment at St. Mungo's. I don't have any meetings until two o'clock, but I'll send word if there will be a need to reschedule."
"Of course. Is everything alright, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Yes, Janice. Just a check up," Hermione replied as she grabbed her cloak and walked out of the office.
Severus was biding his time. He had planned to retire to the laboratory after dinner and begin his real prank for the day, thus sealing his victory, but Hermione had insisted on serving dessert. He was certain she was about to make her "announcement", and was curious how much fanfare it would be given.
"Here we are," Hermione announced, carrying two small cakes.
Severus pretended to eye them with suspicion as she placed them on the table, one in front of him and the other at her place. "It's not going to explode, is it?" he questioned wryly.
"Oh course not, darling," Hermione replied, her voice saccharine sweet. "Tampering with one's food, or beverage for that matter, would be bad form."
Severus grunted, and reluctantly poked his fork into the cake. It didn't explode, as he had expected, but it did release an enchantment. The sprinkles that had originally been haphazardly place atop the icing began to glow and rearrange themselves until they spelled out the words "We're having a baby!".
Severus feigned surprise for all of five seconds before laying his fork down and giving her a withering look. "My dear, after all these years, I really expected more effort on your part."
"Severus, what are you talking about?"
"Hermione, I found the Puking Pastille wrappers in the trash. That, your miraculous recoveries every morning and your sudden fondness for naps—really, dear, I've been onto your little plan for days."
Hermione pushed back her chair, rose, and walked over to Severus. Grabbing his hands in hers, she tugged him up and out of his own seat. He stood slowly and she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I guess that means you win again."
Severus leaned down to kiss her on her forehead. "Of course I do." He sat back down, determined to enjoy his victory cake.
Hermione returned to her seat and a few bites of cake before she spoke again. "Unless…"
"Unless what?"
"Honestly, Severus. I can't believe you would actually believe it was an accident you found those wrappers, that I would be so careless," she said innocently before putting another bite of cake in her mouth.
Severus dropped his fork and stared at his wife. Hermione just smiled coyly back at him.
"But you bounced back every morning in time to leave for work, "he stammered. "You shrunk your shirts, pretended to take naps. You even claimed to already have an appointment with…" Severus stopped short. It usually took a few weeks to get an appointment at St. Mungo's, unless there was a cancellation. The odds of her getting in so quickly for a non-emergent issue were slim to none.
"Morning Sickness Relief potion: red raspberry leaf, ginger, stinging nettle. I brewed it the last day before the Easter break. And I did not shrink my shirts. These," gesturing to her bosom,"are one of the many benefits of my condition, and are for your enjoyment during the next few months. I've also had the appointment scheduled for two weeks. It was the first day they could fit me in."
Severus was still just staring at her, squinting on occasion as if trying to determine if she was telling the truth. Getting fed up, Hermione began yelling, "For crying out loud, Severus! Either use Legilimency or cast the Graviditate detection charm!"
That seemed to snap Severus back to his senses. Now it was his turn to stand and tug his wife to her feet, pulling her into his arms and kissing her soundly.
"Congratulations, Daddy," she whispered.
"Graviditate Revelio," he whispered back, crooking his arm to point his wand toward her abdomen. He was rewarded with the blue glow of a positive result. Hermione gently smacked him upside the head.
"Ye of little faith."
He shrugged, then kissed her again. "Slytherin habits, my love. Congratulations, Mommy!" Severus exclaimed, completely forgetting his own elaborate plans for the remainder of the evening.
And that is how Hermione finally broke Severus's winning streak in their annual contest, and made him happier than he even knew he was capable of being.