Author's Note: I regret nothing.

Seras snuggled deeper into her pillow, letting out a little sigh of contentment. She was so comfortable—she couldn't remember the last time she felt so rested! And she felt cozy in her nice warm coffin, cuddled beneath her soft sheets while her pillow lay beneath her cheek. Her warm, solid, slightly-moving pillow…. Wait, pillows weren't supposed to move, were they?

Opening one eye curiously, she found herself staring at something a few shades darker than her beige pillowcase. She grunted drowsily and rubbed one eye, trying to figure out what was going on. Did she fall asleep outside of her coffin? No, she was nearly certain she'd tucked herself in that morning…. Then what the hell was she sleeping on?!

Raising up and scratching her cheek, she looked down at what looked, oddly enough, like someone's hairy, yet bare chest. Blinking once, twice, she followed it up to see that it was indeed a bare chest, connected to an equally bare neck and arms. Her own beige sheets were hidden under long, straight black locks, and with his arms behind his head her bedfellow looked very relaxed.

She meant to say something, but she choked on her words and instead gaped silently at him. He leaned forward, his sunglasses inching down his nose so that he could pierce her with a crimson stare before grinning and waggling his brows comically.

"Sup?"

"WALTER!" she shrieked, pushing herself violently out of the bed and hopping up and down, one hand tugging the hem of her pajama shirt down over her shorts while the other pointed directly at the intruder's face. "Walter-Walter-Walter-Walter-Walter—"

"Miss Victoria!" the stalwart butler came to her aid (as always), kicking open the door with wires at the ready. "What is it!?" He paused in the doorway, staring, and Seras stopped hopping but continued to brandish her finger at the surfer lounging contentedly in her coffin.

"Ah! That! Bed! Ah!" She seemed to be incapable of speaking English at the moment, her words coming in disjointed interjections punctuated by screeches that would make an eagle's ears hurt. Walter stared for a long moment, but then he sighed good-naturedly and shook his head, stowing the wires back on his person.

"How many times do we have to go over this?" he asked, stepping forward and pulling the man out of Seras' bed. "If she doesn't invite you in, then its bad form to sleep with her—it doesn't matter what you want." The surfer must have seemed defiant, because the old man added a "Don't make me inform Sir Integra".

"Major downer, Walt." Walter ignored this and turned with a smile to Seras, who stood in the middle of her bedroom barefoot, mouth agape. After a moment she sputtered and pointed at the vampire surfer again.

"Do you not see what I'm seeing here!?" she squeaked. Walter was acting as though seeing her master in nothing but swimming trunks was a natural occurrence! "He's—he's—"

"Well, Miss Victoria, you think you'd be quite used to him invading your privacy by now," Walter said uncomfortably, brow furrowing. "I'm not sure what you'd like for me to do." Seras slumped, completely beside herself. Did he not see? Alucard was dressed like a—like a beach bum!

"It's nothing," she finally answered, deflating like a balloon. "Everything's fine now, Walter. I was just… startled." Walter studied her a moment more before taking her answer and leaving, shutting the door behind him only after waving her newly-bodacious master out the door first. She sat at her table, head in her hands.

"What the hell did I do last night?" she moaned, rubbing her temples. "Have I really just gone off the deep end?" She sat for what seemed like hours, trying to run what she just saw over in her mind. I go to bed, everything's fine. I wake up, Master's changed places with some strange beachside version of himself. Walter doesn't seem to notice. Am I the only one who thinks something is crazy?

She cautiously pinched herself on both arms before deciding that she wasn't dreaming. She played with the idea that the blood Alucard had all-but-forced down her throat the night before had been tainted in some way. She wondered if he could somehow change his form so that only she could see something different. She even checked the calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st, and this all wasn't some fabulous prank concocted by the entire fleet to embarrass her.

Finally she just had to admit that she had no answer. Maybe she slipped through some strange interdimensional portal in her sleep, to a world where a surfer Alucard was accepted as normal. Maybe she needed some more sleep, and her brain was coming up with crazy shit all on its own. In any case, she decided to just play along and see where the adventure took her. Showering quickly and dressing in her standard uniform, she briefly checked the mirror to make sure she hadn't changed somehow too before heading upstairs.

She searched the entire manor for her master, but he seemed to be missing. Then, as she stood in a hallway and tried to work out where she hadn't checked yet, he was there. Standing on the ceiling, he was right next to her, facing the opposite direction. His hair was long enough that it barely brushed the floor, and she felt that he was watching her from the side of his sunglasses.

"Yo, Police Babe," he said in an almost-whisper. She jumped slightly at the strange infliction his words took, but didn't say anything. "You done with your little freak-out now?"

"Uh… yeah. I'm fine now." Her own voice trembled, but she turned her head and grinned widely, hoping that she looked like she was back to her old self again. "So, what's new?" she asked, hoping that he'd mention something about his new appearance.

"Nothing 'cept the briny blue," he replied, clearly rhyming on purpose. He returned her smile with an even wider one of his own, which managed to both set her at ease and make her even more nervous at the same time. The master she knew never smiled like that. It wasn't even a vicious leer; it looked like he was really happy to see her or something. How strange!

"Hehehe…." Her laughter fell flat and she looked away, biting her lip. She could still feel his grin. It was beginning to become unsettling. "So, I suppose we have a mission tonight?"

"Pfft, obvs." A twist midair and he was standing beside her. Her eyes came level with his chest, and she found that it was incredibly hard to resist looking at the broad expanse of muscle. It was right there; how could she ignore that? She wasn't blind, after all! "Old Ironsides isn't gonna lighten up on us once." He made a face. "It's like she can't even see how the moon is, like, totally perfect-on-spot tonight."

"On spot for what?" Seras asked, thoroughly confused. It was hard enough following his train of thought. She was used to him being straightforward—well, she supposed this version of him was probably being pretty straightforward too, but she couldn't tell it. His "lingo" got in the way.

He raised his glasses up on his forehead with one hand and peered incredulously at her, mouth hanging open a little. He then shook his head and grabbed her wrist, tugging her down the hall to the foyer. She was dragged to the window and he took her chin in his hand, making her look out at the night. He pressed his cheek against hers and she followed his gaze to where the full moon hung low over the training grounds.

"Don'tcha see?" he asked. "It's perfect, right?" She frowned, trying to decide what he meant. The fullness of the moon? The clear night sky? The tranquil breeze?

"Yeah, it's… cool," she ventured, pulling away from him and rubbing her cheek. "It's a perfect night as any for a mission, I suppose." He psshawed and waved dismissively at her.

"It's an awesome night for surfing the waves, babe. Not missions. But we gotta please blondie, so let's go do some boring stuff for a bit." He turned and led the way to Integra's office, hands in the pockets of his trunks as he whistled beneath his breath. Seras followed, her head swimming. She hoped to God that Sir Integra was normal.

Alucard burst through the office door, but Seras paused long enough to knock politely on the wood before following him inside. Just like the rest of the manor, nothing seemed unchanged. Walter was standing at his usual spot to the right of the large leather-upholstered chair, and sitting in the seat of honor was Sir Integra, stoic as always. She pursed her lips as Alucard collapsed sideways into the chair opposite the desk, legs dangling off the end.

Alright, so Sir Integra doesn't seem worried about him. Perhaps I've slipped into an alternate reality after all, Seras thought as she stood behind Alucard's chair. He patted his stomach invitingly but she shook her head, feeling her cheeks heat up. He grinned and shrugged, crossing one leg over the other as he reclined.

"Well, Agent Victoria, I'm glad someone around here can take mission briefings seriously," Sir Integra said cooly as she tapped some papers into place on the edge of her desk. "Tonight, your assignment takes you out to McGregor ranch, a small countryside farm about an hour's ride from London. The place has become overrun with Ghouls, and we suspect a chipped vampire has turned the farmhands and perhaps even the owners. Go take care of it… in a timely manner," she added as Alucard stretched languidly in the chair. "I don't want you gallivanting all over the countryside on the pretense of a hunt, when really you're just being difficult."

"Yes, Sir," they both replied, though Alucard sounded as though he didn't mean a word of it. Well, at least that's still normal. Seras couldn't help the smirk that briefly crossed her lips. Sadly, the expression didn't go unnoticed by her employer.

"Victoria? Do you have something to add?" Sir Integra said, her tone borderline frigid. Seras started and shook her head quickly, schooling her face into something more appropriate for a formalized meeting. The older woman sighed, pulling papers towards her. "Perhaps I spoke too hastily about taking things seriously," she murmured, dismissing them without another word.

"Police Babe?"

"Hmm?" Seras was looking out over the rolling hills, not really listening. They'd been given leave to conduct the mission sans troopers. Being the only two meant that Alucard took his sweet time (damn what his master thought) and he'd declared that before clearing the ranch they'd bask in the moon for a bit. He'd chosen their "prime basking location" as a large flat boulder overlooking the quaint landscape.

"Tonight… is a mondo radical night."

"If you say so, Master." She heard him shift and turned her head just in time to see him flick his glasses back over his eyes. When they were in their proper position on his face, she had no idea if he was staring at her, the moon, or just the sky in particular.

"I do," he proclaimed. "Reminds me of the night we met. Rocking the boat, that dude was." He chuckled and was silent once more. Seras considered his statement; it really was a similar night to the one that had changed her life forever. It was still fresh in her memory, even if it had been a few years. Being chased by the vicar, surrounded by Ghouls, then hearing the six words that spelled her fate:

"Yo Babe! You're a virgin, right?" She sat up, spine rigid. What the hell?! He hadn't said that! He'd said… but when she thought about it, she didn't remember the Alucard she thought had been there that night. She remembered crimson trunks and a pearly smile. But that couldn't have been right, could it? For the first time, she felt uncertain. What if thisAlucard was the real one, and the serious, savage man was the doppelgänger?

"Uh, Master? What exactly did you say to me before you shot me that night?" Perhaps she was remembering something that he'd never said. Alucard thought for a moment, humming aloud as he turned her question over in his mind.

"I think it was something like "Yo, you a virgin?"; that sounds like me, anyway." He shrugged. "Don't remember, really. Afterwards, I remember exactly what I said, though." His voice got deep and disappointed. "Total bummer, brah, but that bullet kinda went through you to hit that poser's heart. So… sorry. My bad."

"What?" Seras twisted around, glaring at him. Did he really say that? She was nearly dead, and she did remember someone saying something, but… he shot her, and all he said was "my bad"?! He nodded sagely.

"Yeah. Got all phi-lo-sophical for a moment. "There's no time left, babe. The choice is all yours." I surprised myself with that one." He grinned. "But it all turned out A-Okay in the end, right? You're here, and I'm here, and we're chillin' together under a radical moon. Life's sweet." She really did blush hard this time, looking away and rubbing her cheeks to make the heat leave more quickly.

"What-what would you have done if I had said "no, I'm not a virgin"?" she asked suddenly, putting her hands on her knees and leaning out over the edge of the boulder. He vaulted into a sitting position and made his thumb and forefinger into a gun, pointing it against her chest where he'd shot her then.

"I'd have got you anyway for lying to me. Ka-blam." He laughed and mimicked firing at her with his hand. "Card knows when a bodacious chick is lying to him. You were a virgin—I knew it, I was just testin' ya."

"How could you have possibly known?" she retorted skeptically. His grin became more of a leer and he leaned in, sniffing her neck. She felt a shiver roll down her spine and backed away, watching him warily.

"My nose knows, babe. I smelled your blood, nice and warm. Your heart was really pumping it, right before you died. I don't blame you—that dude was bad news; for a human, at least."

"You're being creepy," she blurted out. To her surprise, he looked up at her curiously.

"Am I?" he asked, and there was enough honesty behind the question that she let it go. She pulled away from him, standing up on their boulder.

"Hey, here's an idea," she said half-sarcastically, grabbing her Harkonnen. "Let's actually do our job for once and get back before Sir Integra has our heads."

"Cool; if you wanna." He stood up and stretched, yawning loudly. "Afterwards, let's go to the beach."

"The beach isn't anywhere around here," Seras complained. Alucard snorted.

"I can take us," he said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "Duh." She pursed her lips and bit back a sigh. He was dead set on it. So much for going to bed early tonight.