Another birthday present for boomzgleeks :D This was requested, although I made it into a Comfort!80-Angst!59 fic instead… (You should be grateful! D: I wrote this while rushing out my PT.) Enjoy (:
TYL 805927 Songfic (somewhat): Butterfly Wings
It was impossible. Juudaime could not have died. He was Gokudera's invincible rock to lean on, to depend on, as well as his to protect. How could he have let his precious Juudaime's life slip through his hands?
Gokudera had watched as the Millefiore stole away his boss away. His boss that had always played with fire, tempted fate so many times before, but had survived. Like a butterfly, he had always danced out of reach of Death's grasp… so many times… To be there, to support him, to support the Vongola famiglia.
Anguish ripped Gokudera's heart apart. He realised. He realised… Juudaime was gone. Never back to smile at him with that forgiving expression again. They could never relax together, watch movies, fight back-to-back again. Never play snowball fights with everyone nor watch the sakura trees again.
"Gokudera!" His Juudaime had yelled at him during the fucking Ring Battles, when he had been still struggling with that bastard for the Storm Ring. "I want to laugh with everyone, but if you die, that would be useless!"
That was when he started to value his now worthless life. That was when he started to grow a heart, just because his Juudaime wanted to. He managed build up somewhat of a trusting demeanour over the years, but Juudaime's death seemed to have crushed it. As easily as Sawada Tsunayoshi could build, he could destroy.
What was Gokudera Hayato without his saviour whom he owed his life to? What was Gokudera without the person which had kept him alive all the time his reckless mistakes had gotten the whole Famiglia into deep shit? What… was he if he couldn't even save his best friend?
"Shit," He cursed, swiping wildly at the warm liquid leaking from his pale green eyes. He wasn't that weak, damn it! He couldn't cry, not when he was supposed to go after those bastards who ki- Fuck, he just couldn't muster the determination right now. Not when he felt so cold.
It was like an empty void lay in his chest, where his heart was supposed to be. Pain. Pain. Pain. A gaping hole where his Juudaime had been placed in his heart. Cold. Cold. Cold. What happened to his shining beacon that he knew would lead him along the correct path in life? Dark. Dark. Dark.
"Gokudera?" A clear voice pierced through the haze.
If I was a raindrop
Would you be my thunder storm?
It's cold so surround me
With rain clouds to keep me warm
"Get… the fuck… out of my… room," Gokudera shuddered, wrapping his arms firmly around himself, trying to keep warm.
"Hayato?" The voice softened somewhat.
The Storm Guardian grasped at the faint spark of warmth the voice sent through his freezing body. He knew he would curse and blame himself for being so desperate later but he was nothing but a slip of his original personality now. Just an empty shell of what used to be the Vongola Tenth's strong Storm Guardian who would blast apart any enemy easily.
"I know you're feeling upset, but you need to be stro-" The spark of light that started burning brighter as the unknown voice continued speaking suddenly died down.
Gokudera felt like his soul had started drifting away from his body again, as if he was attracted to Juudaime, even when he was dead. That's right, he longed to follow Juudaime. Wherever he was, the loyal right-hand man should always follow.
He staggered up like a drunk Shamal, he needed to find a way to reach his Juudaime. If only he could light up his dynamite… Just a little spark…
"Hayato!" Warm arms clasped around his body, tugging at his memories. "What are you doing?"
He had felt those hands before. That's right. The fucking baseball idiot. What was he thinking? Trying to stop Gokudera from going where his Juudaime was going?
I feel like I'm falling
So darling, don't let me go
The thought is appalling
"Fuck you," Gokudera slurred out, scrubbing at his moist eyes.
"Tsuna would not want you to follow him, ne? You need to stay strong-"
"I'm sick of being strong!" The Storm Guardian rasped out, throat sore from holding in his pained wails. "Juudaime is gone! There's nothing to keep me fucking here anymore!"
The baseball idiot insisted annoyingly, "Then for the Famiglia-"
"That was what killed Juudaime!" Gokudera squinted, trying to reach for the dynamite he was sure he had stashed in his shirt.
"This may sound arrogant but… How about for me?" Yamamoto's voice became soft and smooth, but got stuck somewhere on the way to Gokudera's brain.
"Wha…" He let out a sarcastic bark of laughter, "Hell yeah, that was arrogant-"
The puppy-eyed look managed to filter through the mush that was Gokudera's mind. That dark chocolate brown gaze made him feel a tiny bit guilty. The baseball idiot must have been suffering too, yet here he was being self-centred about his pain and his pain only.
Gokudera sobered slightly, running a weary hand through his rough silver locks. Maybe Yamamoto really was the better choice for Juudaime's right-hand position. He grasped tightly on the Rain Guardian's hand. Maybe he was being selfish… But he knew he couldn't make it through Juudaime's pain unless Yamamoto's warmth kept him in the world of the sane.
But should I slip away
Into the stormy sea will you remember me?
Yamamoto sank on Gokudera's simple bed slowly, still supporting the deadweight that was the Storm Guardian. He could see the tumultuous emotions in his eyes, like the never-resting red storm Gokudera Hayato was.
Gokudera gripped tightly on his source of warmth. Comfort suddenly washed through his soul. Maybe… Just maybe… Not that he was saying anyone could ever replace Juudaime… But just maybe, he could heal with Yamamoto Takeshi's soothing prescence.
Just then, he felt warm drops fall on his head. Dread crept through Gokudera's heart again, he was sure there were no birds in his room so the liquid must have come from…
"Juudaime wouldn't have wanted you to cry." Gokudera almost laughed at the irony of his sentence as he tried to comfort Yamamoto. It was only fair after all.
The two broken souls held each other close as sleep slowly claimed them.
Asleep in our warm cocoons
We dream of lovely things
Tsuna was gone forever. There was nothing they could do about it but try to cope with their grief. Tsuna… He would have wanted to see them see him off with a smile because he died with honour, to save the Famiglia.
Tomorrow, they would wake up to face the mess the Famiglia was in, to get revenge, to sort everything out. It was a large task, but Gokudera hoped that the night would numb the pain so that he would be able to manage to go on with his life, as Juudaime wanted, without feeling pain every step he forced himself to take.
We're both gonna wake up soon
So we hope that tomorrow brings
Us our butterfly wings
The night, the time, the sleep, just being together. All that would give Yamamoto and Gokudera the strength to carry on. There was even a chance… that the gaping wound Tsuna had left in everyone's souls, even the drifting Cloud, might be filled if they remained strong.
Yamamoto hoped too, with an ache, that he would be able to fill Gokudera's hopeless heart with love and joy. It might take him years but slowly, Gokudera would be able to trust again, to open his heart again.
He knew, yes, that Gokudera would be gone when he woke up, like the hurricane his personality was. He would be going through all of Tsuna's paperwork, consulting Reborn, maybe even calling Xanxus. However, he was broken, curled up in his arms now.
If I was a grain of sand
Would you be Miami Beach?
So dusty with starlight
Close your eyes and cuddle close to me
They revelled in the tender heat that was each other, unconsciously moving even closer as they fell into dreams of nothingness.
I'll try not to wake you
Or make a sound while you're dozing off
But in the night should the high tide
Sweep me away from you
Tell me again, my dear, will you be waiting here?
Yamamoto's eyes creaked open, confusion over the empty feeling in his heart, soreness in his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut again, feeling the dent which Gokudera had left on the bed.
He pushed back the waves of sadness with experience, locking them in another box next to the one he had named the Gokudera box. Inside, it had contained all his feelings for the Storm Guardian. He would have to unleash it one day, but not now. It would be cruel when both of them were still healing from Tsuna's death.
He quickly rushed out of bed, ignoring the fact that it could be obscene to be looking so dishevelled when exiting some other male's room, especially Gokudera's. He knew exactly where to find his other half that could heal his pain.
Whenever we leave the ground
And take to the sky
And there he was… Frowning as usual, yelling at someone on the phone, looking so flustered and frazzled. He wasn't all better, of course not. Yamamoto could still see the twinge of loss and misery in the pale gaze but Gokudera still managed to get back up. Exactly what, Yamamoto smiled gently, Tsuna would want.
I'll smile as I'm gazing down
'Cause I've always wondered why
We won't need feathers to fly
He was Gokudera Hayato after all. He would not succumb that easily, even to the loss of his dearest friend and role model. He would soar up into the sky, even with a broken wing. After all, the wing would heal.