2.7 Billion, a Doctor Who Fanfiction Story.
"Stop!" The Doctor pulled away and Rose sighed and sat back on the library couch where she and the Doctor had spent the last half hour snogging. Now, she tried to switch gears and curtail her frustration. She had been so very patient, waiting for months for the Doctor's touches to turn into something more; barely believing it possible to cross those invisible lines so firmly drawn between them. The first time he kissed her was after they survived and stopped a horrific infiltration of nano-bugs on Alastra IV and it was at least five seconds into the relieved kiss they were sharing that they realized what was happening and pulled away. The second kiss was to get out of a tense situation on a planet where it was illegal for an unclaimed female to walk freely. The hasty kiss had deepened and it was almost a minute before a throat cleared and the planet's officials told them they were dismissed. It was amazing how many situations after that became reasons to kiss and not long before kisses turned into full out snogging. The Doctor always pulled away first and tonight, apparently, was no exception.
"Why?" Rose asked, feeling brave. "What are you afraid of? Feeling? Caring too deeply and loosing me? Are the physical differences between us an issue? Is it because I'm human and not good enough for a Time Lord?"
The Doctor scoffed at the last one. "I gave up caring about the moral strictures of the Time Lords long before I met you. " The Doctor sighed and pulled on his earlobe. He had been avoiding this conversation; happy just to live in the moment. However, each time he started to let go, his mighty brain barraged him with warnings and dire consequences and he had to back away to stave off the mental onslaught. "Rose, you don't really know me. If you knew all the things I have done, the dark, horrible things, you would never want to be with me. You would probably beg me to take you home. And yes, your life is so short compared to mine. I worry about how hard it will be when you are no longer with me. I'm sorry." He stood and looked at her. Her eyes were wide and pleading. Still, he continued, "I'm so sorry." With that, he turned to leave.
"Wait! Rose called after him. She wasn't letting him get away so easily. "I have been thinking a lot about this and I have some things to say." The Doctor ran his hands through his hair, and reluctantly sat back down and looked at her, expectantly. He owed it to her to at least listen to her thoughts.
"First of all, I do know you. " He spluttered as if to object but she hurried on, "No, you don't think I know all the darkest parts of you, but I think I know you better than you believe." He shook his head. Rose took a deep breath, looked him right in the eye and whispered, "2.47 billion." The Doctor's eyes widened and his face turned white. This was impossible. Then she said, louder, "It's the number of children on Gallifrey when you ended the Time War. I know that number and I love you still."
The Doctor's stomach fell with a horrified thud and all he could utter was one word. "How?"
"After you regenerated, I decided I was through with surprises, so I asked the Tardis to help me learn more about you and Gallifrey and we started with the Time War. I know another number, Doctor. A number I don't think even you know, because it took the Tardis three months to calculate it when I asked her for it. It took me another month to learn how to say it, because there isn't a number big enough in any language on earth." With that, she slowly pronounced the sounds she had been carefully practicing, moving her tongue in the circular motions combined with the fluid, music-like syllables in Gallifreyan.
The Doctor sat up at hearing his own tongue spoken to him and gasped. He couldn't believe his ears. He never thought to hear those sounds again. His hearts were beating rapidly in his chest and in spite of his respiratory bypass, he struggled for air. All he could manage was one startled word. "Rose!"
"All of creation, Doctor," she said. "It's the number of lives you saved that day by ending the Time War. A number so big, I know I don't even begin to comprehend it, but it's what I see when I look at you; when I hold your hand. It's what I see when I watch you bouncing around, your mind full of the solution to saving yet another life, another planet or civilization." Rose tried to put all the emotion and love she had grown to feel for the Doctor into her words "I wish you could see it: the darkness gives you empathy and the light brings hope wherever you go. You are unlike anyone I have ever met. I can't imagine my life without you. I love you!"
His hearts surged with the love and acceptance she was so freely offering him. He didn't deserve it; yet here it was, given freely. The Doctor had a hard time reconciling the bright, intelligent woman in front of him with the spunky shop girl who had taken his hand and run so long ago. How had he so completely missed her development? He felt the incredible weight of his transgressions during the Time War shift inside him, and maybe even lighten a little. He would never have chosen to burden her with the heavy knowledge he carried with him, but he couldn't imagine a relief more palpable.
Rose looked at his face to see his eyes bright with tears. "Doctor..."
He cupped her face with his hands. "You brilliant girl, how did I ever get so lucky? I was so lost after the war, so empty without the presence of the Time Lords in my head and I didn't believe I would ever really feel again. You gave me a reason to keep running, keep smiling, keep going and now you offer me an acceptance and love I never could have imagined. Thank-you, Rose Tyler." He ran his thumb over her lips and leaned in to pour his heart into a kiss but was interrupted with a thought. " Wait! How long have you been able to communicate with the Tardis fluently like that? A human shouldn't be able to make requests and receive information the way you did."
Rose exhaled in disappointment. Then she said brightly, "Since Bad Wolf. I think, having the time vortex in my head was a bigger deal than either of us imagined. " She giggled and slapped the back of his head lightly, "You completely regenerated after holding the power for such a short time. How is it you never wondered how I was able to hold it for so long, you daft alien?"
It was true, thought the Doctor. He stood to pace while gathering his thoughts. That time had been so busy and complicated. First, he had such a hard time with the regeneration. Next, he was launched right into saving the earth from the Sycorax. Then, he was so busy worrying about Rose's reaction to his new face and personality that he hadn't given a lot of thought to any side effects she might experience from the vortex. "I thought I took it all from you," he said. "What do you remember about that day?"
Rose looked upward and slowly replied, "I remember the grate pulling away and looking into the heart of the Tardis. I remember feeling this surge of thought and feeling that we both desperately wanted the same thing: to see you safe, protected, and happy. I don't remember a lot more. Mostly, I just remember that it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. After that, I remember waking up on the Tardis floor and you were about to regenerate. Since then, the Tardis has told me enough to know that some of the side effects are an increased psychic ability and maybe a longer life. She has also hinted a few times that we may have changed some fixed points in time..." Rose said this last bit faintly, because she knew he wouldn't like it.
The Doctor was just about to grab Rose and drag her to the Medbay to make sure she was okay and get some answers when she added that last sentence. He paused before grabbing her hand. " Wait, fixed points in time?" He looked up at the ceiling to address the Tardis. "What did you do?"
They were both hit with a barrage of memories and emotions one after another. First, Rose found herself in a barn dressed in linen rags and stockings with holes in them. She was standing alongside a scruffy older man with a beard and knew she was looking at another incarnation of the Doctor. They were both looking at an ornate box and she stretched her mind to know what it was when she was hit by the next scene. She saw Jack take a fatal shot from a Dalek on Satellite 5, then sit up and take a deep breath. Before she could process that miracle, she found herself standing on a cold, wind-swept beach. She was cradling the lifeless form of her current Doctor in her arms and had tears running down her cheeks. Then she looked up and saw the same Doctor, wearing a different color, offer her a hand. She was about to grab it when the setting changed and she was looking at a man in a bowtie standing next to a desert lake. Again, she thought, another face of the Doctor. He was facing a woman dressed in what looked like and American astronaut suit. The woman looked into his eyes and saw a smaller image of him waving back at her. Change of scene again and she was seeing to the same bowtie-clad Doctor who was intently studying a portrait of Gallifrey as it was burning. In her next breath she was back in the Library of the Tardis, sitting on the couch. She squinted her eyes shut and opened them again, grateful to have the control of her mind returned.
The Doctor let out a tense breath and flopped down again next to her. "I am not even sure what we just saw," he almost whined. "I am guessing those are the fixed points you changed, but it is just like the Tardis to be so cryptic." He knew his ship well enough to know that any further inquires at this moment would be met with silence. He had recognized himself in the first scene and knew exactly what moment in his history they were looking at. It was right before he had destroyed Gallifrey. He did not, however, remember Rose being there with him! He had felt Jack's timeline become a fixed point just before they left Satellite 5, so he could guess that one, as well. The others, he assumed were in his future.
They sat side touching side on the couch as they processed the things they saw. The Doctor looked at Rose's thoughts so plain on her face. He could almost predict a count to ten before Rose exclaimed,
"Jack's alive? Did you know?"
"Well... okay, yes. I knew," he answered while fidgeting his fingers. "But his timeline is a fixed point and he couldn't come with us. We had to leave him to find his own way. I'm sorry."
Rose continued to think about her friend while the Doctor grabbed her hand for comfort and made circles with his thumb.
He changed the subject brightly, "Now, how about we go to the Medbay for some tests. I have to admit that I am almost giddy about the thought that you might live longer or have more psychic ability than the average ape. Come on, then!"
Rose allowed him to pull her through the corridors of the Tardis until they rounded a corner and entered the Medbay. She sat on one of the beds and submitted as the Doctor drew some blood, took some samples and then directed his equipment to do a 360 degree scan. She watched as the holographic data began to form in front of him.
The Doctor intently read through lines and lines of data and studied the images of her body and systems carefully. He didn't want to give her false hope or alarm her until he was sure of what he was seeing, so he went over everything twice. At one point he thought to marvel at Rose's ability to be quiet while waiting patiently. When he looked up, he realized she wasn't in the room anymore. That would explain it! He went back to analyzing her scans.
Precisely sixteen and a half minutes later, Rose walked in with a couple of steaming mugs of tea. She sat one down next to the Doctor and looked at him expectantly. Surely she had given him plenty of time now. He smiled at the tea and declared, "If I wasn't looking right at this data, I wouldn't believe it."
"Am I still human?"
"Yes and No. Your rate of cellular decay has slowed to almost a stop; your neural connections and brain pathways have almost tripled and the efficiency of all your systems has increased exponentially, but your DNA is still essentially human. Just an amazingly long-lived, beautiful, brilliant human!" The Doctor set down some equipment and gathered her into a giant hug. Rose wrapped her arms around him and felt her heart expand even more. This meant she really could offer him forever! His forever!
The Doctor pulled back enough to face Rose, but kept his arms fully wrapped around her. "I still have so many questions, so many things to figure out," he said. "For instance, a bowtie? Really? I have made some questionable fashion choices, I admit, but I thought... " He heard Rose chuckle and realized he had rambled again. He sobered his expression and said, "Right. I want to go back to where we started this bewildering evening. I am sorry I hurt you by always pulling away. I was afraid of the pain I would feel when you were gone. Even in my braver moments, I worried that establishing any kind of bond could hurt you."
Rose was pleased by his admission. Then she asked, confused, "I get that, but I don't understand exactly what you mean by a bond."
The Doctor replied, "Relationships are so different where I come from." He led her out of the Medbay and they made their way back toward the bedrooms. Rose assumed he was taking her to her room for their routine goodnight hug. As they walked, he continued to explain. "For Time Lords, intimacy of any kind was pretty much seen as a distraction from more important studies and knowledge. Marriages were arranged for political and genetic advantage. Reproduction mostly happened by donating DNA to looms. All of it was so impersonal. Relationships could be impersonal because we always had each other's minds to fill the emptiness. A collective hum; always with us to stave off loneliness. Only a few couples chose to have anything more and were seen as eccentric. Those couples would form a psychic bond that linked their minds completely. A bond like that can bring two people closer than anything physical could. I don't know that I have ever really understood the human need for physical intimacy until I was left bereft of the collective hum and you came running into my life." The Doctor paused and took a deep breath for courage before continuing. "I love you, Rose Tyler."
Rose's eyes went wide and her heartbeat sped up. She couldn't believe she had really heard those words from him. At this point they stopped in the corridor and Rose noticed that they were standing outside the door of the Doctor's room. She felt a thrill go through her. His room, not hers.
The Doctor leaned back against the door and pulled her tight against him. He whispered to her, "I want to be close to you, Rose. This body, believe me, wants to be close to you." He smiled, regretfully, "I just didn't really know how to be close to you without reaching out with my mind and potentially hurting you. I see that my actions hurt you anyway. Will you forgive me?" He looked at her beseechingly.
Silly Time Lord. Rose smiled with her tongue between her teeth, then said, "Of course I forgive you. I know how hard it is for you to talk about all this stuff. Now that you have seen all my biological data, do you think a bond would hurt me?"
No turning back now, the Doctor thought. Then he realized, he didn't want to turn back. Oh, no. He most definitely wanted to go forward. Out loud he said, "Well, the way you communicate with the Tardis and your increased brain functions suggest you are capable, but it's not something to do lightly. Establishing a bond is like laying your soul bare for the other to see. Joining minds is the closest you can be to someone. It could be wonderful or completely overwhelming. I don't know how it would feel for you. "
Still full of hope that this might finally happen, Rose said, "Do you want that with me?"
"As scary as it is to imagine you seeing all of my past lives, past mistakes and past wardrobe failures, I can't think of anything more wonderful than to have someone, you, fill that empty place in my head. So if you are willing to try, so am I."
Rose looked past him at the door carved with Gallifreyan symbols and imagined all the possibilities that lay beyond it. "Doctor, I am, and have been since 'Run,' all yours."
The Doctor reached behind him, opened the door and pulled her inside.