Dipper was having a restless night. Drenched in sweat... And various other bodily fluids (hmm) he was fidgeting like crazy, in the midst of his nightmares. All that had gone down recently between the two Stans... His discovery of the three Journals... And the fact he was battling 'the forces of darkness' every day were really having a toll on the poor little Lamby Wamby. He tossed... He turned... He accidentally mumbled his REAL name... (Sorry, not allowed to tell you. Alex Hirsch has some REALLY good lawyers). It seemed nothing could settle this boy down.

He was currently in the middle of a horrible vision. No, it wasn't the shapeshifter... Or the Hide Behind... Or even Grunkle Stan first thing in the morning. It was something MUCH worse than all those no doubt horrible creations. It was... Come on, guess... No, that's not right, try again... Seriously?!... You pervert... I'll give you one last chance... Nah, not even close. Jeez, did your peabrain fall out of your ear this morning?... That's it... I'm spilling the beans (Ha ha, beans). It was...

Mabel, and her friends...

Chasing Sir Dipping Sauce...

To give him a...

MAKEOVER! (Shiver)

...

WHAT D'YA MEAN THAT'S NOT THAT SCARY?! Have YOU ever been tied to a chair, had your face submerged in all kinds of horrible gunk, been forced into embarrassing costumes that would shame a clown and had your hair styled so it looked like a cross between an afro, and a crew cut?

No, didn't think so.

So, you're not allowed to judge. *BLOWS RASPBERRY*

Anyway, our hero was, dodging the talcum powder, evading the clippers and leaping over the dresses like a pro. It looked like he was going to make it out the front door... YES! JOE MONTANA, EAT YOUR HEART OU...

KA-BOOM!

That noise was the sound of a two-ton pink farm creature jumping on the Dipster just before he was about to complete his victory lap. So near, yet so far.

Yes, dear reader... It was Waddles... But not as you know him, capt'n. He was six foot tall, for one... And he seemed to be following Mabel's precise orders. Which were: Guard the door, and perform a bellyflop on my brother if he dares to escape.

It was a wrestling maneovure the Hulkster himself would have been proud of. Oh, sorry... I forgot, we're not supposed to mention him. (Racism, secret video tape... Ring any bells?)

"GOOD BOY, WADDLES!" Mabel was effusive in her praise for her now not-so-little-friend, and gave him a big hug to show her appreciation.

Only now, she only came up to his lower belly. Oh, well... It's the thought that counts.

"Now, ladies..." She looked to her left and right at the advancing Grenda and Candy "It's time to put Plan Superhunk Brother... INTO ACTION!" She practically yelled those last two words, nearly blowing her brother's cap off in the process.

"No, NO!" Dipper screamed, as the three grinning witches s-l-o-w-l-y advanced, each one with an evil leer, and plenty of ammunition in the form of cosmetics and fancy costumes. He tried to escape... But when you're trapped between the shapely buttocks of the largest slab of pork in the Multiverse, it's rather difficult to move an inch.

He closed his eyes... Ready to accept his fate like the brave man he knew himself to be... Bracing himself for the first impact of blush to smear his cheek... Anticipating the girls underwear to be foisted onto his groin (Actually, he kinda liked that part)... When suddenly...

Nothing.

The shrillness, the footsteps, the incessant grunting of the porcine paperweight... All gone. The Sound Of Silence. Dipper dared to open one eye... Before panicking, and opening the other eye.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" He yelled.

For all, was pitch black.

Had some one turned off the light?

Was he in a dark cave?

Or had he spent too long in the bathroom, entertaining himself with those pictures of Wendy in a biki...

"HELLO, PINE TREE" boomed an unmistakable voice.

Dipper's emotional state immediately reverted from fear to frustration. He mentally (and physically) slapped his own forehead... "BILL! WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?!"

So that the uninitiated are up to speed, everyone's favourite triangular demon has been a bit bored in the Dreamscape of late, and has decided to torment poor ol' Dip Dop for his own amusement. The lad can't shut his eyes without being forced into some bizarre situation, perpetuated by Dorito Head. You'd think an all-powerful , world-conquering, super being would have something better to do with their time than to torture an innocent child... But apparently not. Oh, well.

" PINE TREE! AT LEAST SHOW ME SOME GRATITUDE! I SAVED YOU FROM A FATE WORST THAN FINISHING LAST PLACE IN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!" The glowing yellow isosceles made his presence known, twirling his cane as if leading a parade. " THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS START KISSING MY FEET!" At this point, Bill decided to morph into a one-eyed, giant milipede clad in many shoes, each one expectantly held out in front of Dipper, as if the kid was about to get busy with his tongue.

Dipper turned away in disgust. "No thanks... I bet it was YOU who put me in that predicament in the first place! Why can't you give me NICE dreams for a change... Like, being the King of Muscle Beach" (he imagined his tiny head on a massive body rippling with pecs, and posing in a thong while a crowd of blonde bimbettes went crazy)..." Or, where I'm a world famous archeologist..." (he thought up a scenario where he was pursued by a giant rolling boulder while holding a priceless artefact. He JUST managed to slide under the closing door in time... Grabbing his cap off the ground along the way, after it had fallen off).

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'M HERE PINE TREE... BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I WANT TO HELP YOU!" Bill turned back to his usual 'charming' self, and levitated above his favourite victim.

Rolling his eyes at what he knew to be a lie, Dipper scoffed, "Well, there's a first time for everything I guess. So, what else is on the agenda for tonight... Are you going to transform me into a squirrel again, and have McGucket chase after me with a knife and fork all over town? Or perhaps Toby Determined's pencil... Did I ever tell you what a PLEASURE it was being bitten and sucked by him for an entire evening? Come on, I'm waiting" The pre-teen sat down on nothing and crossed his arms, in expectation.

"OH, PINE TREE, ONCE AGAIN YOU'VE GOT ME ALL WRONG! THOSE WERE JUST TESTS FOR YOU... TO SEE IF YOU WERE WORTHY OF MY FAVOUR!" Bill floated so close to Dipper, his yellow luminescence almost made the Pines boy wish he had shades. "AND GUESS WHAT... YOU PASSED WITH FLYING COLOURS! YOU SEE, THE WAY I FIGURE IT, EVEN A NERDLINGER LIKE YOU NEEDS A LUCKY BREAK ONCE IN A WHILE! AND HERE, TONIGHT, I'M GONNA AID YOU...

*Pause for breath, Dipper scratches the back of his head nervously*

"... WITH YOUR LOVE LIFE!"

In the blink of an eye, Dipper found himself clad in the tuxedo he wore the night of the Northwest party... Tight collar, and all. He was seated on a stool, and there in front of him were six booths, each one covered by a solid, non see-through screen. The decor of the room he was in can only be described as 'yellow and gold', and it resembled a TV studio with all the cameras set up (manned by triangular Bill lookalikes, he noticed), and a live audience...

The live audience... Oh, no! They were all Gravity Falls residents, each one forcibly caught up in Bill's madness, all looking VERY confused, and each one clad in what they'd gone to bed in that evening. Which for some... Who'd decided to go au naturelle, was a MAJOR problem.

Glancing around the faces present, Dipper spotted Stanley (wearing a filthy vest, and a pair of unflattering boxers) Stanford (Who still had on his regular day outfit... That man ALWAYS fell asleep on his desk while studying into the wee hours) and hosts of others that he knew... Lazy Susan's nightgown was covered in cat hairs... Manly Dan was wearing Sev'ral Timez pyjamas (probably the biggest size they had in stock) and Sheriff Blubs with Deputy Durland... Well, this was interesting. What was with all the leather... Why was the sheriff holding a whip... And that gag in Durland's mou...

Suddenly Dipper's attention was diverted to the stage, where a number of spotlights were shining on the same place. Out of nowhere, a cheesy announcer started talking, "YES FOLKS, HERE WE ALL ARE, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, LIVE FROM THE DREAMSCAPE, TO HELP A TROUBLED YOUNG MAN OUT OF A PICKLE! HE'S WEEDY, HE'S NEEDY, HE'S PROBABLY A BIT SEEDY! BUT I'M HERE TO PROVE, THAT'S THERE'S SOMEONE THERE FOR EVERYONE... EVEN THE MOST PATHETIC, HOPELESS SPECIMENS! SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, RACCOONS AND PIGS, GET READY TO PLAY... PPPPPINES DATE! AND HERE IS YOUR HOST... YOUR FUTURE OPPRESSOR, TYRANNICAL RULER, ALL ROUND LOVABLE GUY... BUT YOU CAN CALL HIM... BILLLLLLL!

Some canned applause could be heard (The citizens of Gravity Falls were WAY too nonplussed to start clapping at this juncture) and it was like a smoke canister went off, as a Wily Wonka type figure emerged from the fog... Top hat, messy blonde hair, eyepatch, wielding a cane, dressed VERY flamboyantly. "Well, hello there, everyone, Sorry I've disturbed you all from your slumbers... But I'm afraid this simply cannot wait. For quite a while now, I've been egging my good friend Pine Tree here to find love this summer, to stop him from from doing nothing but mope around with that musty journal, miserable, like the nerd he is. But all my efforts have been for naught. He doesn't even appreciate the fun'n'games I set up for him every evening in his dreams!" (Bill put on a look of mock offence)

"So, today, I'm taking matters into my OWN hands. Behind each one of those panels"( Bill gestured to the booths in front of Dipper) "Is a LOVELY lady, who've all shared personal experiences with the Dipmeister in some way this summer. He'll get to interview each one from behind the screen, and we've disguised each one's voice so he won't know who's who. Each contestant will get to answer three questions, and they have to provide the best replies to prove they're the ideal person for our geek in shining armour. And by the time the show is over... We will have the perfect girl for Dipper here. After all, this is Pines Date, where..."

At this point, some neon letters lit up in the sky just above the crowd, spelling out *WHERE LOVE IS THE NAME OF THE GAME*. Bill paused expectantly.

No-one said anything. They were either too p*ssed off having their souls dragged from their beds without permission for a tacky gameshow, or still wondering if this was a result of having too many Bicardi Breezers the night before.

Bill frowned at the lack of audience participation, and pressed a little button on his stick.

ZAP! Everyone, in their seats got a little electric shock where they sat, and they quickly realised the insane dream demon was NOT someone to be trifled with.

So, as one, they duly chanted "WHERE LOVE IS THE NAME OF THE GAME".

Bill grinned. "That's better. And now, let's start things off by hearing briefly from each of our participants. They'll each be allowed ten seconds to introduce themselves (Without mentioning their names, of course) before we start off with the first question. So, you lucky, lucky ladies... Please give us your opening statements!

BOOTH No 1: "What is happening here? I was watching late night marathon of Full Mental Alchemist, and..."

BOOTH No 2: "Huh? Where am I? I only went downstairs to get a late night snack. MARIUS, HEL..."

BOOTH 3: "WHO IS DOING THIS?! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I WILL SUE YOU! I WILL SUE..."

BOOTH 4: "WHOA! THIS IS A WEIRD DREAM! I better cut out the sugar, before I go to be...

BOOTH 5: "Hey, this booth isn't so big. Perhaps, if I can jump up high enough, I can...

BOOTH 6: "Oh Dipper, I cannot WAIT to meet you! We're going to have lots of babies together, and...

"OKAY, TIME IS UP!" Bill announced, cutting off each disguised voice as the limit was reached. And now, the first question..."

Dipper, sitting on that stool, with everyone staring at him, had never felt so uncomfortable. And this time... It wasn't due to a too-tight collar.