So, sorry about this fic. It's like seriously depressing (to me at least). I guess you could say I normally close up all my emotions in my head and try to ignore them if they don't help me, and I guess today I maybe let my guard down or something cause I got really depressed. So basically I'm w icing this fic half to convey my feelings and half to relieve stress, in a way. this contains self harm,) but if it bothers you that this fic contains such topics, I WOULD advise you not to read.

So basically this fic is kinda/sorta a re-creation of my life today, but exaggerated.

Anyway, WARNING - Depression, seld harm, attempted suicide.

(Happy ending, though)

I DO NOT own AOD/DNA

Sawamura

I'd always felt relatively left out. I'd learned early on to cover it up, or teachers would give me that overly-concerned look. That look made me insecure. I could never tell if they actually wanted to know, or if it was required by them in the course of their work.

In any case, I'd covered it up. I don't know exactly when I started not having an opinion, or emotions even, but I do know that when I realized, it scared me. I didn't understand why I showed such an external vibrancy for life, when inside I felt... empty, in a way.

No-one noticed. They never had. I very rarely cried, and when I did, I made sure I wouldn't be seen - even then, I had an excuse for if someone just happened to come looking for me.

They never did.

I learned that my happy mask failed sometimes. I would be in a down mood, unable to bring up the façade, and someone would get my attention. I'd look over, and sometime during the conversation, whoever was talking to me would say something that brought up an inexplicable joy inside me, that pushed away the heavy, dark feeling in my chest.

Then, they would just stare.

And my spirits would plummet, lower than before. And still, nobody noticed. Not even my childhood friends, who'd known me even before I created my mask.

I was tired.

I thought I was used to being the odd one out. The unneeded part. I was always the one who had to trail behind the group when the path wasnt wide enough. I was used to being the 3rd wheel. The 5th wheel, really, in most cases.

Tired of dealing with my parents, who never responded when I talked to them unless I went over and tapped their shoulder to get their attention or called their name louder.

If they still wanted me there, why wasn't I included?

Maybe I should have left sooner...

It was no different at Seidou. Everyone was friendly, and talked to me whenever they saw me. I enjoyed the company at first, until I realized...

I was being left out again.

Even with my overzealous attitude, they were all forming relationships without me.

Your high school years are supposed to be the best of your life, right?

Why hadnt anything changed?

Why was I still the only one not included?

I've always enjoyed watching people interact. Their conversations were interesting, and a smile often appeared on my face when listening to others.

I'd always quickly abandoned it. Since when had I done anything to deserve that? Wasn't smiling at other people, some of which I didn't even know, wasn't that strange?

Sure, I've always had friends... But why was I left without a best friend?

Over the years, I think I've come to realize that maybe I'm destined to be alone.

I looked at the knife in my hand. Blood already flowed out of one wrist. I cut sharply into the next, wincing at the pain, but sighing, my shoulder loosening, as the blood dripped into the sink. I knew it was bad.

But it helped. It was like, I was unable to release my emotions from their cage with words, so the excess flooded out with my blood, relieving the emotional pressure. I found my thoughts wandering, as I slid down to the floor, my back against the sink's counter, staring between the blade and my wrist.

Was it my fault?

Maybe if I tryed harder... Maybe I wouldn't be alone.

Maybe then the darkness wouldn't swallow me.

Pressure welled up in my throat, and I tryed to swallow it, my shoulder shaking.

I was alone.

There was no other way to put it. I wasn't even really needed on the team. Coach had Tanba and Kawakami, not to mention Furuya.

In the deeper scheme of things, I wasn't needed off the feild either. Haruichi and The other first-years were close friends, as Haruichi had always gotten along well with most everyone. Miyuki had always looked up to Chris, and the catcher had even said so. All the third years were close, and I didn't really know how to relate to them in any case, beyond the usual team progress.

When everyone was together, i walked alone.

And nobody noticed.

On the bus back from one game, everyone had practically passed out once boarded on the bus.

No-one had noticed the tears in my eyes.

They never did.

Would they notice if I just... Disappeared?

Would they even care? It didn't seem to be so.

How would it affect them? It probably wouldn't.

"I wonder..." I mumbled to myself, running a finger over my scars. Some were old, from a year or more ago, and some recent. Some deep, some barely on the surface.

I walked back to my room, shared by Kuramochi and Masuko. I'd had tons of close calls with them almost discovering my scars. I didn't want them to worry.

At the same time, I did. I wanted to be comforted.

To be wanted.

But it didn't seem likely.

I sat down against the wall, in a corner, the corner closest to my bunk.

I heard voices outside. Laughing, raised loud and energetic with excitement. I wished I could be a part of that. I knew it wasn't my place. After all, I was alone.

My heart felt like I was screaming. Crying. Suffocating.

I hated it. I wanted it to stop. The weight on my chest was confining. I felt like I was drowning. I needed it to stop, or I'd break. I was faintly aware of salty water trailing down my cheeks, making me tremble, the wetness sometimes getting caught on my lip.

I reached up onto the nearby dresser and tore a peice of printer-paper into under half the size it would have been. I wrote 3 words. To remind myself of why it was no use to stay.

I cut into both wrists, deeper than I ever had before. Sliding down the wall, I curled up on my side, arms in front of my face, waiting for the darkness on the edges of my vision to fully take over my vision. I thought over the words written on the paper.

I heard the door open. At first no-one noticed me.

They never did.

And then someone saw me. They said my name. I didn't bother to respond, giving in to the darkness.

IM ALONE ANYWAYS...

Haruichi

I always saw Sawamura as the happy imbecile pitcher who was too strong to need my help, out of anyone. He was friends with everyone.

I was ashamed for never noticing.

Even when he was so obviously upset, and his eyes were puffy from crying, I didn't question it. I figured he had it handled.

I didn't know how fragile people can be.

The saddest people smile the brightest.

I understand that now, as the coach runs past me, shaking Sawamura's limp body, blood seeping into the coach's pant legs, as Kataoka checks Sawamura's vitals and yells for someone to call an ambulance. I see, beside them, a note on the table. Furuya is the first to pick it up.

To everyone' surprise, the normally impassive pitchers lets out a choked sob, crumpling next to his self-proclaimed opponent, note clenched in his hand.

Tears fall from his eyes, even as he trys to hide it.

"That Baka..." He says softly, voice cracking.

Furuya

I didn't understand what was happening, at first. I don't really make many friends, as I prefer to keep,my distance. When the 'incident' occurred, I had been running on the track. Sawamura and I had made a competition of it. When I heard a panicked yell from the direction of the dorm, I dint think it to be much more than the usual chaos, especially when I heard Sawamura's name. The other pitcher normally caused quite the trouble.

But, I knew something was wrong when the coach ran past, Masuko following quickly. I snatched Masuko's arm as he ran past. The older boy looked down at me, ready to snatch his arm back and continue, but I asked the question burning in my mind before he could.

"What happened?"

Masuko just shook his head, his eyes watery. "Sawamura... He... He's bleeding out in the room." He said, voice breaking, unable to meet my eyes.

"W-what?" I asked, immediatly releasing Masuko and sprinting to Sawamura's dorm. My heart was beating fast in my chest, and fear gave my speed. I burst through the door just as the coach called for an ambulance. Freezing, I found it hard to get a grasp of those words. Miyuki already had his phone out, talking quickly and quietly, calmly, to the people on the other end, presumably 911.

Suddenly, I didn't care though, as I spotted a gleaming white sheet of paper on the counter near Sawamura.

I walked over to it and grabbed it, hands surprisingly steady.

And then I read the words.

Written in Sawamura's typical messy script, it sent a bolt of pain straight through me.

"I'm alone anyway."

It was written in blue.

I didn't know the significance of that, but to me, it felt like Sawamura was trying to give calm. It didn't work.

I barely withheld I scream as I fell to my knees, the note crumpled in my fist as a choked sob escaped me.

He's not alone. Didn't he know? He had me.

He was my first friend.

My best friend.

(l)

Sawamura, 1 month, 1 week later.

The first thing I heard was the soft murmur of voices. The only thing in my vision was a lone darkness. The smell of some sort of flower drifted around the room.

He felt his heart tighten as he listened to the conversation.

"Why didn't he say anything?" It was Furuya. "He's my friend, you know. One of the few. My best friend."

I felt a strange emotion in my chest... I'd never really felt it to this degree before... It was... Hope.

Or something very similar, at the very least. They continued their conversation.

Being immobile, I had little choice but to listen. I tryed my hardest to move, even just to open my eyes, to no avail.

"I know that now. I wish we'd noticed... He just seems so strong." Haruichi. I recoiled, at least in my mind, my head shouting that no, it wasn't his fault, no-one noticed me. I was to blame for putting up the mask.

Even as I thought this, in some part of my mind, I was nodding in agreement, as much as it sickened me.

"I should have noticed, both of us should have. Especially when he tried so hard to shield his wrist from us..." That was Masuko. Kuramochi's grunt of agreement came soon after.

"I... I wish I'd talked to him." Furuya said quietly. I could hear a shuffle to my right, and a pressure on my hand disappeared. I hadn't even noticed it until it wasn't there anymore. It scared me. I needed the reassurance. I didn't want to be alone. Furuya was still talking. "If I'd talked more, he wouldn't have thought he was alone." There was a long silence in the room. Eventually I fell asleep to the murmur of voices around me.

The next time awoke, it was to Furuya. He was talking. He always was. I couldn't express how comforting it was. Without him, I don't think I would have made it. I would have drowned, for sure.

"You're not alone, Sawamura. Even if you think so, even if I'm not beside you or I don't talk... Sawamura Eijun, You will never be alone. Not if I can help it." Furuya's voice said, and I couldn't help but feel a tide wave of fear and joy fight for dominance in me.

Doubling my efforts to open my eyes, I was driven by the sole need to see Furuya's eyes. I wouldn't know if he was lying until I did.

I felt one of my fingers move in response to my efforts, and couldn't help but let out an internal shout of frustration.

Eventually I was able to open my eyes. It felt like they weighed 5 tons, but I managed it. And then, my heart spiked, the hope nearly as strong as the fear, as I saw the tears in Furuya's eyes.

And then he looked up sharply, and I was overcome by the need to touch something, because it felt as though if I didn't have something to anchor me, I'd be pulled under the waves again, as the fear nearly overwhelmed me.

Thankfully, Furuya didn't hesitate in grabbing my weakly outstretched hand, his eyes wide and unbelieving, yet joyful. "You're awake..." He said breathlessly.

I didn't say anything, merely giving a small smile and gripping his hand weakly. He started to talk, and I listened happily, not taking my eyes off of his face. I still couldn't talk. But when Furuya went to move away, presumably so he could tell the team I'd woken up, panic overwhelmed me and my heart sped up, and I gripped his hand harder than before, shaking my head.

"Don't..." I managed, pleading with my eyes.

Seeming unsure, he nodded, sitting back down, encasing my hand with both of his. I calmed, finding his warmth soothing.

"I'll always be here, Sawamura. No matter what."

Looking up hopefully, I raised my pinky at him. He seemed taken off-gaurd for a second, he eventually hooked pinkies with me.

"Promise." He said.

I nodded, giving my first genuine smile since... A long time.

Furuya looked shocked for second, before a dust of pink spread across his face. Right after, he averted his gaze. "That was cute." He said simply, not elaborating, still staring intently at the wall.

I laughed, joy tentatively bursting in my heart, giving my a sense of freedom I hadn't felt in a long time. I was... I was happy.

Finally, someone noticed. And just as he noticed me, all my quirks and faults, I recognized his. And we both accepted it. Then, I found that, suddenly, it wasn't so bad anymore.

Because I wasn't alone.

I was wanted. Loved.

So... Yeah that's pretty much it.

While I have not reached s happy ending of my own yet, I hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. (As sappy as that sounds.)

ANYWAYS! Please leave reviews on stories you'd like me to right and ect.

If you want a continuation on this, there might be but it'll be slow, cause I'm not really good at commitment things. And yeah. It'd probably be 2 chapters at most.

So... Yeah.