A/N: Hey everyone!

This is dedicated to Master of the Machines! Thank you dear!

The only real problem I can see with this is language to be honest... but if you see anything else, I apologize that you were offended.

Hussie owns things...

Father:

I do realize that you have probably moved away from this address at this point; nevertheless, I need to inform you on what has happened since you left my mother and I. The goal of this letter is not to make you feel guilty, mostly, but rather my goal is to make you understand why it is I am the way I am.

Starting at the beginning, mere weeks after you left my mother and I, mother fell into... most detestable habits. At first, it was difficult for me to recognize, but eventually I was able to see that mother had begun to consume copious amounts of alcohol. I could tell she was hiding from me at first, but after a time, my ability to read her mental states developed and I noticed how depressed she had become when she was not indulging herself in her beverages. I cannot precisely say that her practice disturbed me;' to be honest, it was quite the opposite. It was whenever she wasn't holding a martini, wine or shot glass that I felt something was wrong. It became part of who she was to me and that was tolerable. What matured me about my upbringing was the fact that mother never really looked out for me.

Whenever I had my music lessons, or whenever I required assistance with my homework, mother was not able to help me and thus, I was forced to take responsibility in what I now know a child should never have to take responsibility for. It might have been harsh, but I obviously handled it. Now that I look back on it, I realize that the only time my mother actually interacted with me on pleasant terms was when Jaspers died. Oh, you didn't hear about that, did you? I now recall how much you loved that cat. Well he loved you too, you child abandoning nook-licker. I apologize for my vocabulary. A friend of mine is beginning to influence me in a most atrocious manner.

I realize that you are unaware of mine and mother's "game" of passive-aggressiveness. It is difficult for me to remember where exactly our game started, but it has been raging on for years. Initially it just started out as mother refusing to do the dishes when I asked her, and it was all the battle from there. I distinctly remember at one point using magnet letters to spell out "shrevv" on the refrigerator. Yes, you read correctly; I had to use two "v"s because I was unable to find a "w". That sneaky woman got me a whole package of "w"s after that, crazy lady... I'm sure you are not overly interested in this part of my life, as I'm sure you are not interested in any part of my life, but it's important to me, so you get to listen.

Things with mom essentially remained this way until recently, which I will get to later, but over time, I had accumulated a few friends via the internet. I know that you're thinking that the internet isn't safe but... what am I doing? I don't have to explain anything to you. It doesn't matter, all that's important was that I eventually made friends despite the inconvenient location of my home. The first one I met you might have actually heard of. His name is Dave and if you recall, he's my half-brother. Your son. You might not remember him because you ran off with my mom and left him and his older brother, Dirk, when Dave was just a baby. Let me just say the discovery of this fact astonished me and I can assure you that it did nothing to win you a place back in my heart. Anyways, despite the awkwardness of mine and Dave's familial relations, he connected me to my other friend, John, who Dave had met when he and Dirk had spent some time in Washington. I will inform you now that Dave and John are getting married this next month. John convinced Dave to send you an invitation, but I doubt that you will respond. Back to the subject at hand, it was just John, Dave and I for a while, but then I received a strange email from a girl who called herself Jade. She told me that we, meaning John, Dave, her and I, were destined to be the best of friends. At first I was startled by this and completely ignored the email, not bothering to tell mother of course. Eventually she grew insistent and I began to talk to her despite my better judgment. Eventually discovered that she had been sending those emails to me in her sleep, an odd happenstance, but effective nonetheless. So I ended up with four friends that I had met over the internet. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't criticize me for my unsafe behavior, I am no doubt more mature than most middle-aged humans and you are no exception. I know how to handle myself.

A year or two passed after all of us became friends and received a message from John one day saying that he wanted us four as a group to play a game. He called it Sburb. Now, the details of the game are very difficult to explain, but all you really need to know is that the Earth was destroyed and we were forced essentially into another universe. I know it sounds completely ridiculous and if you ever get this I'm sure I'll be taken to some sort of institution, but that is not important. As you would expect from any decent game player, I began to make a guide of successful techniques for said game, but it eventually grew far too complicated to be continued so I was forced to cease its creation. This might not seem very important to the story, but I would kindly ask you to sit back down and pay attention. Anyways, as the game progressed, we were confronted, as you might expect from another universe, by an alien species who referred to themselves as "trolls." Now Dave pointed out the irony of this, much to my dismay, because before the game even began, the very same trolls we encountered in our game had been trying to irritate, confound or just to generally,to use the modern term, troll us. He was very proud of himself for discovering this. Once we officially met the trolls in person, there was one who seemed to be rather shy around me. I wasn't all that sure as to why until I confronted her about it. She informed me that she had read my guide before I had even written it. I know it is confusing, but time in the game seemed to have no meaning whatsoever. But essentially, she was a fan of my work.

It didn't take long for Kanaya, said fan, and I to grow close. After all, she was the only sane one in the game, and the best dressed. Essentially, you don't really need to know the details, but we began to date. She was my rock throughout the whole game, which I have neglected to mention was very emotionally scarring for everyone involved, and I was hers. We made it through the game with our relationship mostly intact even when I followed in my mother's footsteps and took up alcoholism for a while. No need to worry, if you are, I've been sober for over two years now. And yes, if you are wondering, Kanaya and I are still together. I know it may come as a surprise to you that I am with another woman, but to be honest, I can't bring myself to care.

But even with all this, I still survived. Dave has John, I have Kanaya, Dirk has Jake. Yes, aren't you proud? All of your children are in love with a member of their respective sex. From what mother has told me about you, you wouldn't approve, but, as I said earlier, I honestly don't give a single fuck. I actually find this letter to be rather self-serving in all honesty. Mother is happy, I'm happy, everyone is happy. All I know for sure is that, based on the opinion that I am actually certified to give, due to my doctorate that you know nothing about, you are not happy. How could you be? You work through women like a worm works through the dirt. There is literally nothing for you anywhere in this world. I can't say I'm sorry for you at all.

Thank you for your time:

Rose Lalonde

P.S. If you even consider coming to Dave's wedding, I will make sure that they will never find the body that Dave would be sure to turn you into.

A/N: Thank you all for reading this thing! I really hope that you enjoyed it because boy was it fun to write!

In case anyone was confused about anything, this was basically a sortakinda AU after the game where Rose's dad was also Dirk and Dave's dad and all three were left behind.

If you have any suggestions for another letter you would like to see written, PM me or just review! Thank you all so much for reading my stuff!

-AJ3