The Mary-Sue Slayer Squadron
Episode 1- Destroy Mary-Sue Cove!
It was a sunny day in the lovely Caribbean. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and there was a plethora of activities to be done.
Such as commandeering a ship from the East India Trading Co.
Layabelle Ethelbret Krystallyne Angelinta Isabella Hawk-Sue, however, could not find anyone with which to commandeer a ship from. There was absolutely no one about that she could engage in the friendly banter with in order to distract them and commandeer their ship.
This was odd to the princess-ballerina-turned-pirate-Capitan. From the top of her chestnut-brown-haired-head to the bottoms of her perfectly manicured feet, she was obviously the most beautiful thing in the hemisphere, if not the world. This would draw the men like flies. And if that didn't work, she would draw them in with her dazzling-yet-haunted gaze coming from her deep violet orbs, and charm them with her melodic singing voice.
There was a rustle, and a blue-haired girl appeared around the corner and nearly collided with her. The girl's hair was knee-length, and she had one violet eye, one orange.
"Oh, please do excuse me! I was not watching where I was going!" the girl said. "Do you know the direction to the Faithful Bride Tavern?"
"Why of course!" Layabelle said. She turned around and was in the process of giving directions when something sharp rammed itself right through her heart. She gasped, choked, and turned to see that the blue-haired girl had sprouted claws, her eyes had turned red, and she was grinning maliciously.
"Stupid sue. You don't leave an opening while in combat." Were the last words Layabelle Ethelbret Krystallyne Angelinta Isabella Hawk-Sue ever heard.
Skitzo tossed the body up in the air, and a stream of bullets quickly perforated it before hitting the ground.
"See? I told you, they've gotten stupider!" A voice said. Skitzo turned to see her comrades Voodoo and Kitty walking up behind her. Voodoo tossed a curse doll onto the body, and it dissolved in a sizzle of pink. "Old-school Capitan Jack knockoffs never left an opening unless they were having hot boat sex."
"Well, that's one down, and I think Skit's not going to last much longer in sue mode. You can stop now, Skitty." Kitty said, holstering her AK-47 back over her shoulder.
Skitzo shouted in joy, ripped off the idiotic green dress she had been forced into, and was in the process of hacking off the three and a half feet of hair she had been forced to grow when the last team member walked around the corner.
"Oh my God, are we having a get-naked party? I wanna join!" Tick-tock exclaimed jokingly.
"Grow up, Ticcy. Skit's not gonna be like that for long." Voodoo tossed the blue-haired member a black tank top and some camo pants.
"Ugh, I hate doing that. Please tell me we can go home!" she said. Her voice was still stuck in 'harmonious' mode. "'Scuse me." She cleared her throat.
"Well, where are all the other sues anyhow? They always freak once we kill off the first one." Tick-tock asked, "Then they come crawling like flies."
"The term is 'buzzing like flies', Tick. But close enough." Voodoo plucked up the curse doll. "You're right though, they usually come in droves after we kill one of the hive-mind. You smell anything Skit?"
Skitzo sniffed the air. "Nope. Not a single whiff of perfection. Almost as if the sue-thors knew we were here and pulled out." She sniffed the air again. "There's something to the north of here though, really strong canon smell. I think the characters are holed up somewhere, most, maybe all of them."
"Well, we aren't getting any younger here! Let's go!" Kitty said, and the foursome charged, following Skit's nose.
For the first time in a very long, long, time, Jack was scared. Although 'freaked out beyond belief' was probably a better term. The beautifully, perfect girls all were convinced that he would do all sorts of odd things, such as 'comforting' and 'saving' and (The worst yet) 'marrying' them. At first, he'd enjoyed the attention, and the women throwing themselves at his feet wasn't that bad until they all tried to bewitch him with their oddly colored eyes and increasingly bizarre powers.
He had run, tailed by an almost entirely female entourage until he nearly smacked into Will, who had one nearly as big as his. They had both run down an alley, twisting and turning until they thought they'd lost them. Of course they were nearly steamrolled by Norrington, who had a sizeable group of ladies himself. They called a temporary truce and ran like mad for the governor's mansion, where they helped Elizabeth ward off a few boys who were trying to break in and a rather large group of girls who were trying to kill her.
Later, they were joined by Barbossa, who was in a foul mood. Jack and him called a ceasefire that would last until the crowds were gone and they could get back to normalcy. The group holed themselves up in the mansion, and would take shots at the crowd below when they could without being hypnotized.
When it was about high noon, all of the girls and boys in the town vanished inexplicably. Shortly thereafter, a small group of four girls broke the gate and rushed to the doors. The barricade set up earlier didn't hold very long.
"ALRIGHT, THIS IS THE MARY SUE SLAYER SQUADRON, ALL SUES PUT YER HANDS IN THE AIR AND ALL CANONS HIT THE DECK!" the leader yelled. She brandished her bizarre pistol as she rotated to get a 360 view.
The other three struck fighting stances and one of them even growled. The growler had the basic look of one of the perfect women, but not the attitude.
Then someone (probably Barbossa) shoved Jack into their view. The strange group looked at him, then the leader holstered her gun over her back.
"Like I said, Mary-sue slayer squadron. We're here to help you."
((A/N: this is one of those odd stories where there is no set time this takes place in. Post COTBP, but Norry's still in goods with the company. Barbie's alive for plot reasons, and you probably guessed where they are. R&R please.))