Disclaimer: The Haunted Mansion is the creation of Disney's Imagineers.
Swarlock W. Warlock and Frankiestein Dragul are my creations.
TALES OF THE HAUNTED MANSION: VERTIGO STAIRCASE IN BOO
By Swarlock and Birdy Wilbury
Spookassco was one of the crazy architechs in the mansion who just had to show off his wild creations to the other 998 ghosts. They tolerated his Museum Of The Weird exhibit a few months ago. But his ravings were starting to get on a few tenants' nerves like clockwork. All the same
Master Gracey insisted that he stay for the duration.
That of course led to the renovatons of the mansion itself - again.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
One afternoon Frankiestein and Steven W. Warlock were doing their duties inside e haunted manse on park grounds when one of them decided to get the mail. From a thin rectangular shaped compartment thousands upon thousands of letters shot out of the mail slot hidden on the side entrance of the foyer.
"Help!" Frankie shouted underneath the pile. The letters - well, most of them were neatly stacked
in triplicates on seven wagon carts plus one huge one marked Handle With Scare on the side.
"Now you know why I and the boss don't answer the door," Steven said picking up his buddy off the floor.
Frankiestein's body stiffened as he was stood right side up holding am evelope in his hand. He took a moment to compose himself and opened up the letter while Steven stood by his side.
"Oh no!" Steven said groaning. "We better notify the big guy."
Master Gracey, The Sometimes invisible Ghost Host had just said his Beware Of Hitchiking Ghosts spiel for the thousandth time or more. He kept getting the numbers mixed up. More doombuggy riders would be coming shortly. Sometimes it was hard work being a tour guide, so goes the saying
"Twas a living."
The second and third in command caretakers, Steven and Frankie came up to their employeer as he materialized looking weather worn.
"Bad news, boss. This came in the mail," Steven said handing him the letter.
Reading it aloud it was clear he would be needed elsewhere.
"My Cousin, Master Anaheim Gracey, The Ghost Host down at our sister park in California has taken ill and won't be able to do touring for the next three days. He wrote that I have to sub for him while he's off resting in Japan," Gracey explained. "A Ghost's duty is never done," he sighed.
"I'll be back in three days. Oh and by the way the big package that was brought in came from one of my relatives in our France division. He'll be here soon. Take care of him while I'm out at Disneyland."
"Can you tell us a little about him?" Frankie enquired.
"He has a thing for art and woodwork. He's very eccentric," Gracey said as he turned invisible again as they watched him carry his bags floating out the door.
"Oh...joy!" The Cast member warlock groaned. "Another Gracey nutcase."
Spookasso was an eccentic artist who was also incredibly fussy about his work. Arriving no more than twenty minutes after Master Gracey left. He snorted and snubbed his way into the mansion.
That's when all cain broke loose.
He was a classic case of a mod Primadonna artist draped n garish psychedelic colors and ruby quartz glasses and earrings that accented his flamboyant green hair and tempermental swagger.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Spookasso, sir," Steven said as politely as he could. "Your guest room is in The Corridor Of Doors. Step right this way"
"No, No, No! I shall go in be-fair you. And I shall not be tossed in with zee rabble of this putrid place, boy! Give me zee finest room in the manor and from there I shall create my masterpizza," he drawled haughtily.
"Masterpizza?" Frankiestein asked puzzled. Steven just shrugged.
"Yes. And I've brought along my entourage of admirairs. Zee crew of my TV Series Haunted House Make-ovairs."
"WHAT?" Steven shouted. "You can't be serious. You'll disturb the retirees in the mansion with those cameras. Unlike myself and my assistant here they are sensitive to light"
"All zee more bet-tair to cap-chair the expressionism of my art," Spookasso said with glee. With that he rushed off to do his work.
"Buddy Boy. We'e going to have a long day in the park," Frankie said to Steven. He nodded.
The calamity had aleady started inside as Spookasso began moving about the sinister eleven paintings out of the hallway that led to the library and leaving behind only six of them. The other five grumbled at their dissimal from their place of prominence as they were moved into the loading queqe.
"Oh the indignation!" The hatchet ghost portrait moaned.
From outside Steven and Frankie suddenly heard a blood curdling scream which was not so unusual for the mansion's residents. Quickly flying through an open window they saw Spookasso tearing out the walls behind the music room at a very fast pace.
"What are you doing to my music room?" The Phantom Pianist said in shock. "Where is my audience?" He was refering to the two spiders who hung out at the top of the second floor.
"Our home!" One of the spiders wearing a Mickey bow tie shrieked.
"Haunted home wrecker!" the other spider screamed shaking one of his eight legs in a fist. They crawled away just in the nick of time as part of a a wall caved in.
"Silent you fuels! I am 'ow you say, Creating ze art," Spookasso scoffed.
Steven and Frankiestein couldn't believe their eyes. The mad carpenter had created a staircase or two that went every which way. Up was down - down was up.
"Is that a back way out or a front way in?" Frankie said looking confused. "This seems to on forever."
They noticed glowing footprints going in and out, up and down from the various doors in the newly created section of the mansion. From one of them Frankie spied The Haunted Mansion from Anaheim, California and another from Japan itself.
"New arrivals have shown up. Looks like this endless staircase is now a nexus gate for spirits to come and go as they wish," Steven surmised.
"You have to admit, Steve. That does give them something to do as a hobby," Frankie commented.
And the fun for Spookasso was just beginning.
Steven and Frankiestein watched stunned as Spookasso went all over the Liberty Square mansion doing this and that to it.
Madam Leota however was the only other ghost that approved of the changes and decided that from now on she would float in mid air to better communicate with the spirits who didn't hear her bidding.
"This is 'ard work," Spookasso said with exhaustion. "But I am sure mah Cou-sain will be appreciate the allure and grand-jour of mah cre-a-shun. I think I shall take to a little nap on ze slab."
With that he went off to his quarters in The Corridor Of Doors.
Of course the Haunted House sitters who were left in charge weren't going to stand by and have the mad carpenter artist ruin what took a hundred years and twenty plus to make it comfortably "unlivable."
"We've gotta try and fix this. But how?" Steven mused.
"We could move the stuff back where it was before it was wrecked," Frankie suggested. "We'll have to get pass the camera crew though."
Steven thought it was an excellent idea and glad he thought of it. He conjured up some mod clothes and big wigs on both of them. Strolling in casually they let themselves into the crowd of quirky characters that were setting up for more shots of The Escher style staircase. One of the cameramen noticed the two as they walked on the set.
"Hi. Like we're Spookasso's assistances in training. We just came to add some touches he wanted to this part of the mansion," Steven said cheerfully. With that Steven waved his hand over the staircase and it was as it was before the makeover.
"Looks a little bare doesn't it?" Frankie said.
"I suppose so," Steven agreed. "But it's better than having a skeletal figure in a giant web in there."
At that moment Spookasso came in. Steven and Frankie were aghast.
"I thought he was taking a nap," Frankie said under his breath.
"He must be one of those light sleepers," Steven responded back.
"I am too worked op to rest. Let me get at this job quic-ker than quick and...GAH! This is an out-reg. Where is my cre-a-shun!" he bellowed.
Steven throw up a spell to put him back to sleep again.
"This is only a dream. This is only a dream," he said soothingly to Spookasso.
"Mah mind. She is playing ze tricks on Moi," he said drowsily. "Maybe I, The Great Spookasso need more time to rest on ze slab."
"That was a close call," Steven said with relief.
"This looks like too big a job to do. Okay Knothead. Here's what we're gonna do. You take one end of the mansion to fix up while I do the other half," Steven instructed.
"You can depend on me, Stevie Boy," Frankie said pulling out a wand he had in his pocket.
"Oy! Are you sure you want to use that? I should NEVER have given you that thing for your 500th birthday last August," Steven said exasperated.
"You trained me how to use it last year. I might as well get in some practice right now," the vampire halfbreed replied.
"Oh, All right!" The Warlock threw his hands up in resignation knowing he couldn't stop him. "Let's just be quick about it."
Frankie couldn't wait to try out his new wand. When Steven taught him how to use it he kept messing up the spells in one way another. If he asked for a cooked steak he'd get a cooked pair of boots and a lot of yelling from his teacher who immediately whipped up a rolled up newspaper that would smack his apprentice on the head repeatedly. Steven was a perfectionist when it came to slinging magic confidently but not as obsessive about using his talents unlike Spookasso.
Frankie wanted to change back the paintings in the loading queqe back to where they were but made the wrong portraits dissapear altogether.
The silent busts in the library let out supressed giggles watching him try to correct his error only to have half a doombuggy vanish as well. Frustrated he waved the wand again and in an instant anything and everything outside the mansion went topsy turvy.
After an hour's rest Spookasso decided to grab something to eat from one of The Restaurants in the park. He stopped to admire his handiwork from the outside.
The mansion was now an amalgamation of The Florida, Anaheim, Japan and Paris mansions mixed together with an exterior pattern from the movie version Master Gracey had allowed another film crew make on his home with mixed results.
"Ah knew I was good. But this is manifique," Spookasso said brightly.
"But ze outside needs furthair improva-ments."
He then hit on an inspiration.
"Won't ze Mastair of this man-shun be surprized to see 'ow I re-due ze park."
Spookasso was off and running.
Frankiestein and Steven were so preoccupied with changing the mansion back the way it was that
they were unaware that Spookasso had taken the liberty of remaking all of The Magic Kingdom in the image of Halloweentown.
"Jack Skelling-tun would be proud of Moi," the carpenter artist said putting the finishing touches on Main Street. Naturally the local patrons and tourists of the park were shocked and enraged at the same time. They took their complaints to Main Street Town Hall.
"Who's in charge here?" a customer screamed in rage.
"What's happenin' to The Magic Kingdom?" another person asked.
"Call Mickey on the hotline," A cast member shouted amidst the shouting and panic of the crowd.
Mickey was in Toontown signing autographs at that moment and it didn't take him long to get the root of the problem when he saw Steven and Frankie walking out of the mansion looking just as stunned as everyone else.
"Trust us. We couldn't stop that crazy maniac if we wanted to," Steven said to his main boss above The Ghost Host.
"Where is he now?" Mickey said in a worried voice.
"Quick! Come stop that nutty ghost artist over at EPCOT. He's re-doing my attraction," Figment The Purple Dragon flew in.
"Oh no!" Mickey, Frankie and Steven said.
In Epcot folks who were sitting in the virtual ride Soarin' were treated instead to a projection simulation of The Transylvanian Tarpits complete with real live alligators and Gila Monsters.
Mickey flew on Aladdin's carpet and worked a little magic of his own and the attraction turned back the way it was.
"I learned to do that in a film I once was in," Mickey said humbly.
"Whatever happened to The Sorcerer in that picture anyway?" Frankie asked.
"He wanted top billing so Mickey broke up the act," Steven said.
"At least this park is OK. What could happen now?" Frankie asked.
"Halp! Somebody! There's a crazy ghost re-doing The Pride lands over at Animal Kingdom!" Timon and Pumba shouted.
"You HAD to ask, pinhead!" Steven said between clenched teeth.
Animal Kingdom was in shambles. Just the way Spookasso created it.
The huge Circle Of Life tree was turned into a giant tree monster that attacked any person who came within inches of it. That included Flit and his pals inside The It's Tough To Be A Bug 3D stage show.
Steven and Frankenstein got help from Rafiki on the spot combining the warlock's magic with his voodoo sorcery.
At this point Steven was now infuriated by the ghost carpenter/artist for turning half the property into haunted land fill. He would've blown a gasket at that moment but Spookasso was headed in the last place that even he never thought of.
"After him. He's going to commit Hari Kari at The Tower Of Terror," he shouted and took off like a shot leaving behind a bright green streak in the sky as night time drew in.
They of course arrived too late - again.
This time however Steven could no longer contain his anger.
"You maniac! You half baked flake! Do you have any idea what kind of mess you've left all over the grounds and we had to undo?" he roared. "I'd have half a mind to ship you back to Phantom Manor in a coffin with no air holes!"
"'Ow dare you cre-teek mah gen-ee-us. You half hair bo-vine. I slap you weeth mah bare 'ands. I let smelly skunk smells out in your gen-ni-rail doughrectshun." he sneered haughtily in front of the warlock. "And far-thair more..."
And then his eyes suddenly became starry-eyed watching a beautiful girl wearing all black saunter out of Tower Of Terror.
"Oo is that vee-shun of loo-vli-ness," Spookassop inquired.
"I'm Vampyress. I was here on vacation while my house is being redecorated. It's so hard to get good help these days," she cooed sweetly.
"My Cheri Amour. If you let me. I shall use mah car-pun-tre skills to cre-ate a work of art far yoo," he said with a dumb founded look of love on his face.
"You've got a deal, Big Boy," she smiled and blew him a kiss on the cheek.
"Wait what about the park?" Steven asked.
"Ptui on your park, you silly boy! Ah I go to cre-ate fur this bea-yoo-ti-feul crea-chair,"Spookasso said and he and his new love drove off her flying limo.
"Well, That gets rid of him," Steven said with a satisfied grin.
That was until they got back to their posts at Liberty Square.
"What the..."
In Frankiestein's haste to experiement with his birthday wand he wound up reverting half the mansion back to Spookasso's work.
"Great! Now we're right back where we started!" Steven fumed. He was about to give his pal a long and very loud reprimand when they saw two bags floating back to the gates of the mansion.
Master Gracey had returned.
"I'm back! Turns out I ran a Fool's errand for my Cousin Anaheim Gracey. He wasn't sick at all.
So did Spookasso do anything exciting while I was away? I hope he wasn't too much trouble," he said.
Steven and Frankie could only give sheepish grins as they walked in the mansion. Then there seemed to be a prolonged silence as The Ghost Host's mouth jaw dropped at the changes to his home for retired ghosts.
He saw and heard the stretching portraits creaking and groaning as they stretched upward, he noticed some of the Sinister eleven paintings were in the loading queqe and the windows that flashed and changed the portraits going up the library and The Endless Escher staircase.
"I love it! Spookasso does it again!" The Ghost Host said happily.
"But I was the one who...OW!" Steven kicked Frankiestein in the shin.
"If he finds out what we did your bat wings are cooked," he snarled under his breath. "Let's get back to our posts."
"Well, At least things are back to normal - for the mansion anyway. But I have the feeling I forgot something," Frankie said.
"By the way where's your pet bat Birdy? Haven't seen him around since Spookasso was here," Steven asked.
"I had him put his signature on my work in The Mansion," Frankie absently mindedly said.
"You WHAT?"
"FRANKIESTEIN! IF YOU DON'T GET UP HERE WITHIN FIVE MINUTES! YOU'RE FIRED!" The Ghost Host bellowed.
"Oh oh! Gotta go. Wire my paycheck to Paris, France." And off he flew.