PostSecret: General Hospital, a general hospital fanfic

Note – I was reading PostSecret and came up with this. I put an answer key because some are vague or pretty out there. The timing for these is fluid; for some characters, they're talking about earlier events in their lives and some of the kids are talking when they're older, at some point in the future. Since this is such a monstrously long piece, I am classifying it as a full-length story at SE because I can. A warning to some: several secrets are DISTURBING.

Post Secret: General Hospital

Rated R.

(1) I didn't care when I started that fire. I hate that house. It reminds me that the three of us are all alone and that if we were gone, no one would notice.

(2) I feel sexier in my wigs than I do in my real hair.

(3) I want so badly to be the strong woman I was when I was a girl, but I've forgotten how. I thought my sons could teach me to remember, then felt guilty about putting too much of a burden on them.

(4) I know my neighbor is a peeping tom. Sometimes, I let him watch me masturbate on my couch.

(5) The only woman I ever loved was the only woman I've ever cheated on. Three times.

(6) I lose a little respect for her every time she begs me to be with her.

(7) I danced with four men at my wedding: my husband, my husband's brother, my ex-husband, and the man I wish I had married.

(8) My wife once said her best friend's name while we were in bed together. She doesn't remember, and I've never told her. Sometimes, I want to tell him.

(9) I steal money from my mother's purse. It's my revenge on her for her being so involved with work and her friends and all the men in her life except me.

(10) I hate the man that pretended to be my father, and I hate the man that should have been my father. I tell my mother this sometimes just to make her cry.

(11) I never wanted to be a father, and my daughter knows this. I think she loves me even more for admitting that to her.

(12) Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I traded in my gun and bullet-proof vest for pearls and an apron when my daughter was born. I think I would have liked it.

(13) I wonder why anyone in this fucking town voted for me. I doubt most of them even know.

(14) Late at night, I wonder if when my kids grow up, they'll see me as the big-shot man they see now, or if they'll see me as a small time thug. Sometimes I want to have more kids just because I want better odds that I won't be seen as a failure of a father.

(15) I told him to wrap it, but he didn't, and I'm never sorry for it because it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

(16) When I slept with her, I realized what I had been missing out on for the past three years of my marriage. Sometimes at night, I think about what it felt like to be inside of her. It thrills me and nauseates me at the same time, and I wake up with wood and a bad taste in my mouth.

(17) My daughter thinks I want to get back together with her mother. But I don't. Whenever she hints at it, I just smile. I know she takes this as agreement, but I don't know how to dissuade her.

(18) I try so hard to be weird. I'm afraid that if I'm not, people would notice me even less.

(19) Once I've been seeing a man for more than five months, I start to find him repulsive. It's because I can't imagine that anyone worth anything would want to be with me for that long a time.

(20) I never wanted to be a father. I still don't. Sometimes when I look at my kids, I let myself imagine what life would be like without them, and I'm always a little disappointed when I'm snapped out of the fantasy.

(21) Being here is almost a relief. It's nice not to have to do something, nice not to have to feel something.

(22) Sometimes I think of her and I just want to die. I don't even care that my son will be left behind all alone, because the ache is so bad.

(23) When my father fell, I hoped he had died so that he couldn't hurt me anymore. I am still sad that he lives, and I'm sad that I go to him and can't stop myself from letting him hurt me. There are times when he touches me when I think that maybe it could be all right, but I don't feel anything else and that hardens my heart even more.

(24) I wish he had died instead of his mother. I will never stop wishing that.

(25) John's the most handsome man I've ever met, and I wonder if that makes me a bad sister.

(26) She was only 16 when I slept with her, my employer and friend's daughter, but I look at her now, now that she's a woman, and sometimes I still want to bend her over my desk like I used to.

(27) People tell me that I'm prettier than my older sister, and I believe them.

(28) I would respect my father more if he were taller. It's not his fault, but it's still what I feel.

(29) She was the girl I could have loved, and instead of buying her flowers or giving her candy or taking her to a movie I knew she wanted to see, I strangled her.

(30) I think the most beautiful thing in the world is that I have red hair and my daughter has black hair. I used to dye my hair brunette before, once a dark blonde, but I never will again because we look so perfect together the way we are.

(31) When her husband shot her in the head, my first thoughts were for her baby that I had helped bring into the world.

(32) The grandson I love the most is the one that everyone thinks I hate the most. I can't help it. He's exactly like me, even though neither one of us will ever own up to that.

(33) I'm tired of being a good girl, and I wish I knew how to be bad.

(34) Sometimes I wish I wasn't a doctor. Sometimes I just want to feel like a mother, like a friend, like a daughter, like a woman.

(35) There came a point when I decided that my father's love just wasn't worth it. And my life was better after that.

(36) I hate my uniform. I wish they'd let me wear pants.

(37) She was very light, even for an old woman, so I didn't mind pushing her around in her wheelchair. Except the time that she covered the handles in Vaseline because I accidentally left her in the drawing room with her husband for an extra two hours because I was getting high.

(38) One of my dirtiest fantasies was for her to see us right in the middle of having sex, him half inside me, just because it might have gotten her to stop being such a sanctimonious bitch and shut her damn mouth for ten seconds.

(39) Every time she wears those jeans, I forget that she's a mother of two and I can't stop picturing both of us in the shower in the General Hospital locker room. I think part of the reason why I like her so much is that I know my parents would like her, too.

(40) I think Robin's hot. But I would never tell Pat that. I pretend to dislike her on principle, because I'm supposed to.

(41) Sometimes when customers tip me less than 15, I credit their tab or run their account for more and don't tell them. I never feel guilty, even though I'm afraid that if I'm drunk, I might tell my father that I do that.

(42) I'll never let him be more than a friend, even though we slept together. Because the guys that get with me always end up hurt, and I can't do that to him because he's too good for it.

(43) I'm running out of ways to show her I can be kind of normal if I put my mind to it. I don't think it's possible that she just likes me the way I am.

(44) I hate those bitches that actually know what whole milk and whipped cream taste like in or on coffee. I hate them so much it makes my ribs hurt. If I see anyone on my staff drinking anything more than skim, I find a reason to fire them almost immediately.

(45) I agreed with what my daughter said to me at my other daughter's funeral. That was why I left, not because she told me to, but because there was nothing left to say. And I wanted to yell at the people that told me she was wrong and that she was acting out and being stupid.

(46) I'm thinking of retiring soon, mostly because I'm afraid that the time will come when I'm not as brave as I'm supposed to be.

(47) I use Botox, and I pretend the strange looks people sometimes give me are because I look young, not because I can't move my forehead.

(48) Resurrecting her cryogenically frozen son was the most medically exciting thing I'd done in my entire career.

(49) I loved my uncle more than my father because at least he was sane.

(50) I pretend sometimes, mostly for myself, that I still want her back even though she married two of her rapists and had a child with one and two with the other, but the truth is that I don't. I'm not even sure that I like her anymore.

(51) It was an incredible ego boost to know that I could steal my married ex-boyfriend away from his wife so soon after they got married. It made me feel better about myself.

(52) There were times when we were in the vault when I was very tempted to just shoot her. I'm so glad I didn't.

(53) When I threatened to tell Lucky the truth about who Elizabeth was seeing above Jake's, part of the reason was because I was jealous. Almost.

(54) The first time I held my grandson in my arms, I let myself imagine that I was his mother.

(55) I really did love her. And I honestly believed that she'd love me too if she stayed with me.

(56) When we were on the island and I was withholding her pills so that she would have those dreams that let her see into the future, I took one of them. It burned when I peed for two days.

(57) When I closed my eyes for the last time, I imagined our wedding day.

(58) I wore my leopard-print miniskirt just to annoy my mother-in-law. I was delighted when it worked with such consistency.

(59) Half the time, I'm drunk on the job.

(60) I wish I was home-schooled so that the other kids wouldn't look at me like I was some kind of freak.

(61) I'm very excited about being a grandfather. I haven't told my son that. I don't know if he wants to hear it.

(62) She thought I was the Text Message Killer, that I was behind the attacks on all those women. The truth is, I was only behind one of the attacks.

(63) Sometimes, when she's telling me that I'm just using her mother, or when she's harping about how much she loves her cop boyfriend, or when she's trying to seduce me, or when her mother is telling me that she's changed and she isn't like that anymore, I think about how willing she was to strip off her clothes and give herself to me in the back room of the hotel I technically blew up, I laugh.

(64) I slept with Toussaint. In the supply closet. Patrick and Robin almost caught us.

(65) It wasn't that I couldn't come to my daughter's funeral because of work. It was just that I couldn't come.

(66) I'll never tell her that I'm disappointed that she had two bastard children, even though I love them dearly.

(67) Sometimes I was afraid he'd call out Elizabeth's name in bed, because she was the one he could never have and I was so easily available.

(68) I lied when I said I had a daughter with Mike Corbin.

(69) She's a brilliant attorney, a good mother, a sharp wit, and my best friend, and sometimes I imagine what it would be like to kiss her.

(70) I knew he wasn't the man I fell in love with when I purposely designed a really ugly dress that looked horrible on me, and he said he loved it.

(71) I just want to call someone the C-word. Just once. Just for fun. But it's such a horrible word.

(72) I was never able to stop picturing my brother and my ex-wife having sex. The saddest part was, I thought they made a good-looking couple, and that just depressed me even more.

(73) I think the funniest thing in the world would be to tell my mother that I decided I only wanted to direct pornos. I wish I had the courage to do it, because it would be so fucking funny.

(74) I wish I had treated my brother better when we were growing up.

(75) I don't think Miguel will ever make it as a singer or a dancer.

(76) I'm the only homosexual on the Port Charles police force. I know I'll be treated differently if I ever decide to come out, so I won't.

(77) Sometimes when Taggert's interrogating Jason Morgan, I want to laugh at the guy's responses. He's kind of funny for a killing machine.

(78) I'm not dead. And I'm almost ready to come back and blow Jason Morgan's life to hell and back.

(79) I always thought her best friend was an uptight shrew, but I would never tell Emily that.

(80) When I talk, I feel like they're not listening, because I'm pretty and I carry a gun and that's enough for them.

(81) I know she almost thought of me as a boy, but that night above Jake's, I would have shown her that I was all man…even though she was just trying to get over Sonny.

(82) I don't think I'll ever love a woman as much as I love my job. And that's probably for the best.

(83) I only wear white because I'm color blind and it's the safest. I know it's not slimming.

(84) I tell people other people's secrets so they won't wonder about mine.

(85) I used to pretend that my stepdaughter was my real daughter so often that when I divorced her father, I almost believed it was true.

(86) He was so mad when I came to see him after the accident, but even when he took off his towel and tried to hurt me with the things he said, I was laughing on the inside because I was the keeper of his virginity. And he could never take that away from me.

(87) I sleep with my sister's boyfriends because the first boy I ever loved had a huge crush on her.

(88) I only became a doctor out of spite, so that I could show my father that I could be better than him.

(89) I wished I had stayed on my boat and never come to shore.

(90) When he gave me my Lila's pillow, I felt like his great-granddaughter for the first time.

(91) I was only a little embarrassed when people saw me on stage in my underwear, and that was only because I was surprised. I like showing off the fact that a woman past her twenties can be damn hot.

(92) I never told my mother that I dated a father and a son at the same time.

(93) I do not like my daughter-in-law. I'm just waiting for the imminent divorce so that I can look like the good guy, the ever-supportive mother, instead of the bitch of a mother-in-law set on controlling her son's life.

(94) I haven't spoken to my mom since I told her I was gay. I tell people it doesn't bother me. But it does.

(95) His widow's peak was an incredible turn-off.

(96) It bothers me when Mister C talks down to me. Especially since I'm better educated than he is.

(97) I like working for Jason better than Sonny.

(98) Diane's hot.

(99) I think of the hospital as a business. It's the only way I can do the job they pay me to do.

(100) My parents don't think I'm a real doctor because I look at vaginas all day.

1 Cameron

2 Alexis

3 Elizabeth

4 Sam

5 Lucky

6 Jason

7 Carly (talking about Jason)

8 Jax

9 Morgan

10 Jake (grown up)

11 Patrick

12 Anna

13 Mayor Floyd

14 Sonny

15 Robin

16 Ric

17 Robert

18 Nadine

19 Lulu

20 Luke

21 Laura

22 Nikolas

23 Johnny

24 Anthony

25 Claudia

26 Trevor (about Claudia)

27 Molly

28 Kristina

29 Diego

30 Skye

31 Lorenzo

32 Edward

33 Emily

34 Monica

35 Alan

36 Alice

37 Reginald

38 Leyla

39 Leo

40 Pete

41 Georgie

42 Maxie

43 Spinelli

44 Kate

45 Felicia

46 Mac

47 Bobbie

48 Tony

49 Sage

50 Scott

51 Brenda

52 Cooper

53 Gia

54 Helena

55 Stavros

56 Stefan

57 Stone

58 Lois

59 Coleman

60 Michael

61 Noah

62 Logan

63 Jerry / Mister Craig

64 Epiphany

65 Frisco

66 Audrey

67 Courtney

68 Janine

69 Diane

70 Chloe

71 Lila

72 AJ

73 Dillon

74 Tracy

75 Lily

76 Cruz

77 Capelli

78 Faith

79 Juan

80 Hannah

81 Zander

82 Taggert

83 Angel

84 Amy Vining

85 Holly Sutton

86 Keesha

87 Sarah

88 Steven

89 Luis

90 Brook Lyn

91 Lucy

92 Summer

93 Lady Jane

94 Lucas

95 Lydia Karenin

96 Max

97 Milo

98 Bernie

99 Ms. Sneed

100. Kelly