A/N: This chapter isn't exactly the longest chapter in the world, but I promise that the chapters to come will be a lot.. lengthier. I guess I was just testing out whether or not this story was going anywhere first. This story will be filled with angst/hurt/perhaps some mentions of suicide/self harm/alcoholism/cheating. Enjoy.
Remus Lupin lies awake, his eyes fixed, unmoving, on the ceiling above him. The lamp sways ever so gently from side to side, jolting and flickering every now and then as the thumping and pounding gets heavier and harder. They've been at it for nearly an hour; Remus can still feel the damp salty trails of tears that have stained his cheeks. He knows what they're doing up there, he doesn't even need to listen to James' moans of pleasure or Sirius' desperate begging tones – Sirius, his Sirius, begging for James to fuck him.
He could move to a different room, the house has three bedrooms for him to choose from. He could move down the hall, block out the sounds and pretend that none of this was happening. He could even cast a silencing charm. But he stays. He stays, because he doesn't want to block it out, doesn't want to pretend that none of it ever happened – he wants to hear it, he wants to feel the burning, excruciating agony of knowing what Sirius is doing, because, he hopes, wishes, that this time he'll finally be able to build up the guts to leave- That this time he'll be able to put himself out of this exhausting misery.
He listens as James gives one last shout, a hard slam that leaves the room in temporary darkness and then the sound of Sirius begging once more; begging for James to stay. 'Just for ten more minutes.' 'I could suck you off?' Anything that James wants if he'll just stay a little longer. Remus feels the burning of fresh tears threatening to spill down his cheeks as he hears James telling him that he can't; that he has to get back to Lily; that's he's sorry. Remus hears the crack James disapparating from the house and leaving Remus and Sirius alone in the building together.
Something within Remus burns and stings, like a fresh wound, although at the same time it's the same aching and only too familiar pain, like the creaking of old, exhausted joints ready to give up. He's ready to give up.
Remus doesn't know why he stays. He's bound to Sirius in a way he can't even begin to understand. Remus has always known he was second best to James Potter, that Sirius had always loved James – ever since their time at Hogwarts Sirius had wanted, lusted after James, although Sirius had always been second best; James' little 'fuck buddy' while he was off chasing Lily and trying to win her heart. It killed Remus to see Sirius so broken, so defeated and torn apart by James. To see the usually charming, outspoken and cocky young man that was Sirius Black pulling himself apart for the other man and have to piece himself back together was perhaps worse than enduring the full moon. Although he was sure nothing compared to the pain Remus felt – to see the man he loved, the man he adored and dreamt of, spending his life tossing his heart away to a man who didn't see anything him as anything other than a 'good shag'. To a man who would never be his and so Remus had fallen neatly into the slot of second best.
Remus lies there, staring up at the now unmoving lamp. His heart is beating heavily inside his chest; like a hammer on cloth and his head seems as though it's spinning. The gut wrenching pain that has been gripping him for the past hour is slightly subsiding, but only being replaced with the burning hate that is bubbling within him. Suddenly, he hears the sound of glass shattering, the slamming of something against the wall upstairs and the muffled sobs of whom Remus can only imagine could be Sirius. It feels as though his heart is being shredded into a thousand tiny pieces as he lays awake, staring up at the ceiling, listening to the whimpers and sobs of the broken, fucked up mess that is Sirius Black; that is the man he loves.