Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am writing for fun and not profit.
AN: It has been nearly a year since I've written anything, and this is my first Voyager fic. My muse just hasn't been letting me write any of my normal stuff, not even the stories I already have half finished and posted. I've been rewatching Voyager recently (thank you, Netflix), and my muse finally woke up and decided she hated the end of "Resolutions" and had to rewrite it. I've been reading lots of J/C fics in preparation, and hopefully I can make this story at least a little bit different from all the other authors who also chose that episode to work with, lol. Then it hit me just how many of the fics deal with the time between Tuvok's communication and the beam-up. What if they hadn't had 30 hours of warning?
As I said, this is my first Voyager fic, so reviews and comments will be greatly appreciated. Here goes nothing…
The Ache We Feel
By Lady Callista
"Every so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been. But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in." -from "I'm Not That Girl," in "Wicked"
Chapter One: Edge
"We think a flower on a cliff is beautiful because we stop our feet at the cliff's edge, unable to step out into the sky like that fearless flower." -from Bleach, manga opening 12
=/\=
"We'll be in hailing range in just under an hour, sir." Tom Paris spoke from the pilot's chair. Even after nearly three months, it still felt slightly odd to him to be saying 'sir,' as he had gotten used to the slightly less formal manner in which Captain Janeway preferred to be addressed. But it was easier to say sir than it was to name as captain anyone other than the woman he had come to like and respect. A woman he had missed greatly ever since they left her on a planet with her first officer. A woman he would be seeing again in just under 31 hours.
"Understood. Maintain present speed and course." Tuvok said from the captain's chair. Although his mind would track the time without any effort, something Captain Janeway had always referred to as the Vulcan internal chronometer, he followed standard procedure by adding, "Ensign Kim, please notify me when we are in communications range."
"Aye, sir." Harry's excitement could be heard by the entire bridge crew. "We should be able to contact the commander and the captain in 58 minutes."
"I'm sure they'll be glad to come home." Tom couldn't help but add.
=/\=
"How are they coming?" Chakotay asked as he settled onto the ground beside Kathryn, eyes taking in the rows of green plants.
"Very nicely." Kathryn said as she pulled a small weed from in-between two of the plants. "We should have vine-ripened Talaxian tomatoes in a couple of months, unless this planet has the equivalent of tomato bugs. Oh, they're awful."
"I would never have thought of you as a gardener. " Chakotay replied with a smile, laying a hand lightly on her back. Where weeks ago she would have tensed up, or moved away uncomfortably, her only reaction now was a smile at his comment.
"I grew up around farmers. My parents insisted we learn some basic gardening skills."
"Did you hate that as much as camping?" He asked, grin intensifying. He felt her back muscles shift and slid backwards slightly to allow her to sit up.
"Of course. Who wanted to muck around in the dirt when you could be studying quantum mechanics?" Kathryn gave a rueful laugh, rolling her head to relieve some of the tension in her neck from the way she had been laying. "But I find it very satisfying now, watching the seeds sprout and grow."
"I'm glad." His smile was gentle, as was the warmth in his eyes. Although the loss of her research equipment had been a terrible blow at first, she had been adapting very well over the past few weeks. The last layers of her Starfleet shell had almost melted away, and the slowly growing closeness between them filled to almost bursting a heart that had once held nothing but anger. "If your tomatoes could spare you for a minute, I'd like your opinion on something."
"Well, you've come to the right person." Kathryn replied, rolling her neck again with a sigh. "I always have an opinion."
"Really?" Chakotay said with a chuckle as he handed her a padd, his other hand sliding slowly up her back to squeeze the nape of her neck gently, his eyes never leaving her face.
Her grey eyes met his for a moment, and he almost, almost saw in them what he had wanted to see for so long.
"Chakotay…" Kathryn's mind was spinning even as her body relaxed under his gentle ministrations. He had touched her casually, more times than she could count, in the weeks since he had first told her his 'ancient legend.' And as she did the same with him, had in fact always been a casual toucher whether with him or her crew, it hadn't bothered her.
In fact, she had taken great comfort in the touches. Although some of her need for touch was fulfilled in touching others, the mantle of captain had ensured that she was rarely on the receiving end of that comfort. That basic human need. He was, in fact, one of the handful of people that had given it to her in the past two years. And she had sensed long before they came to New Earth that he would have given her more if only she could have allowed it.
"Kathryn?" His voice was soft, intimate, and his hand never stopped massaging gently.
Realizing she had been silent for too long, Kathryn offered him a gentle smile. "I can understand why your mother didn't trust anyone but you." The words came out slightly breathier than she wanted them to, and she felt a blush rising to her cheeks. Breaking eye contact quickly, she looked down at the padd in her hands although her mind didn't even note what was on it.
His hand froze, and she sensed that he was suddenly unsure. Kathryn took a deep breath, reminding herself that she was no longer his commanding officer. Reminding herself of his legend, and of all the emotions behind his words. Emotions that she was starting to feel as well, could now be honest enough to admit, if only to herself, that she had felt long before they came here.
Yet for some reason she was unable to voice those emotions aloud. And she knew he would never push her. But even if she wasn't ready or able for more, she yearned for the comfort of his hands on her, even if it was only in this mostly innocent way. The words were out almost before she realized she had thought them. "I didn't say you had to stop."
She felt his hesitation for an instant, his surprise, and then his pleasure, before he slid to sit a little more behind her, both hands now playing gently over her shoulders.
=/\=
"Sir, we're in hailing range." Harry Kim's voice broke the silence that had encompassed the bridge for the past hour.
"Open a channel." Tuvok said, years of training causing him to rise and stand at attention although he knew the channel would be audio only.
"Channel open."
"Voyager to Captain Janeway." Tuvok said without preamble.
You could have heard a pin drop on the bridge as the entire crew waited with bated breath to hear a voice that for weeks they hadn't thought they would ever hear again.
When there was only silence, Tuvok spoke again. "Tuvok to Commander Chakotay." More silence was the only reply, and a minute passed before he spoke again. "Voyager to Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Captain, Commander, do you read?"
"What if something happened to them?" Harry's voice had an edge of panic to it.
"Do not jump to conclusions, Ensign." Tuvok spoke calmly. "Close the channel, and we will try again in an hour."
"But…"
"Calm down, Harry." Tom spun in his chair to face the rest of the bridge, his voice relaxed. "They probably stopped wearing their communicators, or they were damaged, or maybe there's interference from something we can't detect. There could be a million reasons why they're not answering."
"Captain?" Harry looked at Tuvok for reassurance.
"Perhaps not a million reasons," He said, one eyebrow raising, "But there is certainly no reason to speculate at this point. We will continue to try, at one hour intervals, until we reach them."
"Aye, sir." The excitement and hope were back in Harry's voice, although not quite as bright as they had been moments ago. "56 minutes until next hail."
=/\=
"What do you think?" He asked softly as his thumbs slid firmly up and down her spinal column.
"Mmmm." Eyes closed, mind drifting as all the tension in her body seemed to drain away, Kathryn realized suddenly when he chuckled that she still held the padd he had given her. That he had wanted an opinion about something. She opened her eyes with a bit of regret, looking down at the diagram that spun on the display. Then her eyes lit up with excitement. "A boat!"
"You said you wanted to explore the river. I think I could build this."
"We could go on a camping trip." Her excitement revved up another notch. In the nearly three months they had been on New Earth, they had not explored much beyond a few kilometers around their house.
Thinking about it now, it seemed strange that two people who loved exploring so much had not done much of it, but all her attentions had been on research, and his on turning their shelter into a home and on making their lives more comfortable. And even when her attentions had shifted towards his, there had been so much to do in the immediate area that they had simply never left. Now she felt her wanderlust rekindling.
"I'm not sure we could fit the bathtub in the boat." Chakotay replied with a laugh.
Kathryn laughed along with him. "Well, that's all right. I'll have the river. How long do you think it will take to build?"
"At least a week, why?"
"Because now all I can think about is exploring the area." Kathryn said with an infectious laugh. "How would you feel about a short excursion, maybe just an overnight trip to explore further into the woods?"
His hands hesitated, and she could tell he was considering it. "I kind of want to start on the boat right away, but now that you mention it…. I can't remember the last time I slept under the stars."
"We've still got almost seven hours of daylight, we could leave soon, explore, and find a campsite for dinner. Stay there overnight, then explore a few more hours in the morning before we head back." Vibrating with newfound energy, Kathryn leapt to her feet, spinning to face him. "It shouldn't take us long to get everything together."
Her enthusiasm was contagious, and he felt a huge grin break out on his face even as she reached a hand down to help him to his feet. He took her hand, more to hold it than to help himself up, and kept her fingers lightly in his own even once he had stood up. "When do we leave?"
She squeezed his hand, and to his surprise as well as her own didn't drop it as they headed into the house. "As soon as we get all the supplies together."
=/\=
"Is it true that we've been unable to raise the captain and commander?" Kes, behind the mess hall serving counter with Neelix, asked as Tom and Harry's trays were loaded up with food.
"It is, but I'm certain they're okay. " Harry said quietly. Despite his own worries, he felt the need to reassure the gentle woman. "So don't worry. There are plenty of possible reasons they could be perfectly fine but not answering. We'll be to the planet in 25 hours, and I'm sure they'll be happy to see us."
"Of course they will." Neelix interjected, putting an arm around Kes. "Imagine - being alone, well, with only one other person, for three months. They'll be so happy to see all of us again! So happy to be back on Voyager!"
"I'm sure Neelix is ri…" Tom trailed off as an ensign tapped him on the shoulder.
"So how exactly does this betting pool work?"
=/\=
"That was absolutely wonderful." Kathryn sighed as she leaned back on her arms for a moment, head nodding towards the kettle of vegetable stew that still hung in the pot over the fire.
"Well, thank my father." Chakotay said lightly, although she detected an underlying current of pain in his voice. "It was one of the only traditional recipes he could pin me down long enough to be taught how to make." In his mind's eye, he could actually see his father sitting beside him, and his words continued unbidden and unplanned. "Now I wish I had learned how to make each and every one."
Kathryn scooted closer to side, a pain running through her heart at the remorse and sadness in his voice. She ran a hand in slow circles over his back, her other hand resting lightly on his leg. She wanted to say something but was unsure how best to help him. Part of her wanted to ask him about his father, or his tribe. The bits and pieces he had told her over the past two years had always intrigued her, and now more than ever she was curious about the things that had turned him into such an amazing man. But the larger part of her didn't want to push him, didn't want to dredge up painful memories. When and if he was comfortable speaking more to her, he would.
His hand came up to cover the one she had lain on his leg almost immediately, and he squeezed it gently, showing his gratitude for her silent support. Memories of his father continued to roll through his head for a moment or two, memories that were incredibly bittersweet to him now, but they gradually faded away under the gentle touch of her hands. His entire body and mind focused on nothing but those two soft points of contact for an instant, and he found himself wanting to share all his memories with her, the painful ones as well as the happy. For now though, he decided on the happy.
"One of my favorite memories from camping trips, when I was young enough that I hadn't begun to question anything yet, was always after dinner." Chakotay's voice was soft.
Kathryn leaned closer in order to hear him better, cautiously resting her cheek on the side of his arm.
His breath went out in a sigh, his thumb beginning to rub unconsciously over the back of her hand. "My father or one of the elders would sprinkle a mixture of sage and other herbs over the fire, and as the smells rose they would tell one of the tribal legends. We would listen in awe, and once the tale was done we would roast marshmallows while we talked about it."
"Marshmallows?" Kathryn questioned. "What are those?"
"Your family never roasted marshmallows?" Chakotay asked in surprise, shifting his head enough to look down at her.
She tilted her head up without raising it from his arm, and found herself suddenly disconcerted as she stared into his deep eyes from only centimeters away. Although the uneasy feeling remained in her belly, she felt something else there as well. A warmth slowly spread through her, and when she finally did drop her eyes it wasn't with awkwardness or discomfort the dominant emotion, but the desire to cuddle a little more closely into his side. "They may have. I always spent as much of the trip as I could in the tent, studying something or other."
Her one hand still rested on his back, the other was held in his own on his thigh. He could feel the press of her body all along his side, and wanted more than ever to just lean down and kiss her. He settled for brushing his lips ever so lightly over her forehead, and the slight tensing of her muscles let him know he had been right not to try for more than that. Yet she didn't pull away, and in fact he was almost certain he heard her sign softly. "I'm glad you're not hiding in the tent now." He whispered, daring to brush his lips over the top of her head once again, closing his eyes and lingering an instant longer than the first time before he could force himself to pull back.
She was motionless for a few seconds, and he held his breath, praying to all the spirits that he hadn't made the wrong move. Then she spoke softly, her words even softer than his had been. "I'm glad as well. Now, what are marshmallows?"
He chuckled at the way she shifted the conversation, bringing it back to its original course without making what had happened awkward, yet at the same time showing that she didn't want it to go any further at the moment.
"I'll show you." Reluctantly he shifted away from her, reaching over to grab his pack and extracting two long wooden skewers and a container filled with marshmallows. Sliding one onto each skewer, he passed one to her, dimples flashing on his face when she took it with the hand that had been on his leg and kept the other one on his back.
She looked at it curiously. "What do I do with it?"
"Just hold it over the fire." Chakotay demonstrated, lowering his stick to the edge of the fire, where a bed of coals burned steadily. "You want to keep it away from the actual flame, but let it get all brown and toasty."
She placed her marshmallow near his, mimicking him as he slowly turned it so it would toast evenly. A sudden breeze livened the coals, tongues of flame licking up. Experience had Chakotay pulling his stick back just in time, but Kathryn's marshmallow caught on fire, turning black even as she drew it back.
She giggled. "Apparently I can't cook no matter what medium I use." He could hear the dry wit in her voice even through the giggles.
"I've got more." He chuckled as he pulled his perfectly roasted marshmallow off of the stick, offering it to her. "Although maybe we should see if you like it first."
"It has to be better than laola root." She replied, humor still in her voice. She started to reach out in acceptance, and then her eyes caught his.
The intensity in his dark eyes froze her hand in mid-motion, and the laughter died from both of their faces. He had looked at her like this before once, when he was telling her his feelings in the form of a legend, but even that look paled in comparison to the one he was giving her now. Kathryn could sense he was offering her so much more than what he held in his hand, if only she was willing to accept it.
TBC…..