Hey Everyone! I've been absent on here for awhile now, but I'm psyched to tell you that I have two oneshots finished that I'm posting on here right now. I hope you enjoy them! This one is Morgan/Garcia (as per usual) and I've had it in my head for a long time, which I'm sure you'll be able to tell from the episode I reference in it. Re-watching that episode the other day finally gave me the inspiration to get it finished. Please remember that I don't own "CM" or the characters, no matter how much fun I'd have with the plotlines if I did!
Oh, by the way, the lyrics I borrow are from Hoobastank's "The Reason."
The Reason
"…You're my God-given solace. Don't ever stop talking to me."
"I can't right now, I'm mad at you."
-"Morgan" and "Garcia" in Season 4 premiere "Mayhem"
Dirty and bruised from the leap out of the speeding ambulance at the last second, and the subsequent rolling and bumping across the rough ground, Derek Morgan finally caught his breath and stood on jell-o legs to look back at the flaming, nearly-consumed ambulance he had been in only moments before. He had been too full of adrenaline to be afraid as he was doing it, but now, realizing how close he'd come, he was physically trembling while the bravado and action flagged. He'd been so determined to simply get that ticking bomb out of the middle of the city, that what could very easily have happened was just now sinking in.
Garcia's refusal to keep talking to him, the teary quality to her voice, and her hanging up on him a second ago, suddenly made perfect sense. He'd been grateful to have her on the line with him, letting him know how long he had and where to go; an unseen guide and support so he wasn't risking his life alone – but now he realized just how horrifying it must have been for her. He'd basically asked her to sit there helpless and possibly hear him die. Morgan knew he really owed her an apology – probably even stuffed animals and flowers – because he wouldn't make it long if she really wouldn't talk to him. He'd never meant to scare or hurt her; he simply hadn't been thinking. Yet, hearing the toll his thoughtless actions had taken on her, had him kicking himself.
Sighing, Morgan put his phone to his ear again, knowing better than to redial Penelope just yet, and settled on calling Emily. He didn't think he was up to walking all the way back into either the hospital or the field office, which was where the rest of his team would be.
"Prentiss," she answered brusquely, her voice tight with worry and possibly even a little anger.
"Em, it's Morgan," he said, realizing as he spoke aloud that his voice sounded rough and winded.
"Are you okay?" she burst out, demanding. "What were you thinking?! Where are you?"
"I'm on the east edge of Central Park. I'm fine; the ambulance got far enough away that no one else was hurt, but I've got no way back in. Can one of you swing by here on the way back to the station?"
"Yeah, Reid and I will be there pretty shortly," she said kindly enough, then added, "I don't suppose it will do me any good to tell you what a reckless idiot you are. But I had better warn you that Hotch is ready to eat you alive right now, and if he doesn't finish you off, Penelope will. She's already called."
"Thanks for the head's up," he told her before they hung up. "I'll steer clear of Hotch for tonight."
"Good plan."
He hung up and with a sigh again, found a bench and wondered just why it was he'd needed to tell Garcia what she meant to him – just in case. Why had her voice on the line given him so much comfort, and just when had all that taken place?
Where did he go from here?
I'm not a perfect person,
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know…
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you…
The next morning found Hotch being released from doctor's care to head home, though he couldn't travel on the jet with the rest of them, and Morgan volunteering to drive him back. Though he had avoided his supervisor the night before until the other man was back to his stoic, controlled self, now Morgan wanted to make sure that things were alright between them after all that had happened the day before. He headed down the sidewalk beside Hotch, coming up short when Hotch told him the higher-ups wanted him in the New York field office.
Thoughts went ricocheting through his head in all directions. It was quite a compliment; on one hand, recognition and an opportunity he would be stupid to ignore. And it was easy to admit that he'd been thinking a lot about what being in the BAU long enough could do to a person. But all of that paled in the face of him loving his team and wanting to continue as a part of them. Part of why he was as good at his job as he was, was because of the rest of them.
The seven of them complimented each other so well that they made each other better than they would be on their own. Would he be as intuitive and able to get in the unsub's psyche as he was if he hadn't spent all that time working under Gideon and learning from him? Would he have even the small measure of restraint and control he did if he hadn't had Hotch to temper him all these years? Or would he have the varied, random knowledge that secretly entertained him and the patience he'd gained from working with Reid? He knew his fearless nature and successful action had been aided over and over by having partners like Elle before and Emily now, kicking butt beside him and having his back. His weary soul had often been aided and lightened at just the right moment by a shared smile or smirk and reminder of normalcy from Rossi or JJ.
But more than any of that, his future and whole world would be bleak without knowing Penelope Garcia. Without her, he would have no hope. It was Penelope that saved him every time he felt he had no choice but despair. She kept him going whenever he thought he had reached his limit. It was true he hadn't gotten to spend as much time with her or talk to her as often as he once had since she'd begun seeing Kevin Lynch, but still, knowing she was there for him – that she existed brightly when everything else grew dark – was enough to steady him and give him peace in the midst of chaos. And since she seemed happy, he had been happy for her, or so he'd thought…
Now he found himself wishing he would go home to her when this case was over, wrap his arms around her, let her touch and penetrate his armor, and keep her with him always. He had to make this last slip in judgment right and wished that he could promise never to worry her again.
He was startled to find that he wished she were more than his best friend. Penelope Garcia was his compliment; his soul mate. It startled him; this wishing that she was his, and he was hers.
I'm sorry that I hurt you,
It's something I must live with everyday,
And all the pain I put you through,
I wish that I could take it all away,
And be the one that catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear:
I found a reason for me,
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you…
Sometimes he wondered if things would be different now, if he had voiced his concerns differently back when she met Battle, if he hadn't hurt her and made her feel inferior – which had never been his intent – if she hadn't been shot, and if she hadn't met Lynch. Where would they be now? Would things be any different? Probably not, he conceded to himself, not if he had still been this dense.
He knew now that he had realized his feelings, the way things were between them would never be enough – not if there was a chance that she could ever feel the same. He was so quietly focused on his thoughts that he didn't say much, even after Reid and Prentiss arrived to pick him up and all during the ride back to the station. Morgan being this quiet had both Reid and Prentiss sneaking furtive, curious glances over their shoulders at him from the front seat. But he was oblivious, thinking only about how desperately he wanted to get back to the hotel and how much he wanted to talk to Penelope. He had to tell her that things would be different now…and the reason why.
The first second he was alone, Derek hit speed dial '1' on his cell and waited for her beautiful voice to stroke his ear. When she answered on the third ring, he couldn't help the smile just hearing her brought to his face as he greeted her.
"Hey, Baby Girl," he spoke warmly, hoping his apology was conveyed in his tone, and that most of her anger had dissipated and she would listen to him now. "Are you still not speaking to me?"
"I don't know," she responded, allowing a pouting tone to come across in her voice. "I'm not sure that you deserve my conversation again yet. Have you learned your lesson?"
"I have, Darlin', that's what I want to talk to you about," he continued, wheedling her towards agreement to his plan. "Could I come see you for a minute?"
She didn't answer for a few long seconds and he held his breath, genuine anxiety knotting in his stomach that he really might have screwed things up beyond what he could fully repair. Surely she would give him a chance to explain what he had realized and that he was going to change, wouldn't she? He let out a deep breath of relief when he heard her soft, comforting answer. "Yeah, come on over, Handsome. You really scared me today, and I'm still upset with you. But I can't stay angry. You're rotten and you know by now that I can't tell you 'no'."
"Thanks, Sweetness," he said, meaning his gratitude fully as he signed off. "You won't regret it, I promise. I'll be at your hotel room in fifteen."
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you…
She seemed paler than her usual flattering porcelain-doll complexion and her eyes looked vaguely red-rimmed, when she answered his knock on her door just barely fourteen minutes after their phone call ended. All the witty, flirtatious banter he had planned to start with to break the ice flew out of his head and he froze – guilt and repentance making him speechless. Surely she wasn't that upset over this evening still, was she? But he knew that she was, deep down, and hated himself for having caused her pain. "Penelope, I'm sorry," were the only words he could manage to stutter out before pulling her into his arms. "I never imagined you'd be this upset. I didn't think."
She had her arms wrapped around him too almost immediately, clinging tightly for dear life, her hands clutching the back of his shirt. "I ought to skin you alive, Derek Morgan! You reckless, arrogant, oblivious jerk! You're not invincible, you know, and I don't want to see you get yourself killed! How can you not know how devastated I'd be?" She was bawling as she yelled at him, sobs wracking her in hiccupping gulps as he held her and stroked her back. He let her get it all out; he deserved it, he needed to know what he'd done to her – as much as it pained him – to strengthen his resolve not to do it again.
Then, just when she seemed to calm down and he started to respond and soothe her, she shoved out of his embrace and stalked across the room away from him. She looked ridiculous, pacing like a raging lioness in matching pink, fleecy pig pajama pants and top, but he bit the inside of his cheek and managed not to laugh and set her off even more. He'd come here to make amends, not start a war.
"Why are you even here, Derek?" she asked finally, resignation in her voice, not able to send him away, yet unable to forget his unconcern for his own life this time.
"I want to tell you how sorry I am," he repeated honestly, following her path across the room. "I realize now what I've done to you and I can't live with that. You have to believe me, Goddess, I never meant to hurt you."
"Yeah, yeah, that's fine and dandy, until someone else is in trouble, and you'll just have to play action hero again…you always do."
He shook his head sadly, realizing that her fear went deeper than he'd thought. He didn't try to follow her too closely or touch her again just yet, instead he focused on trying to get said what he had come to say. "No, Penelope, that's the other thing…I've realized something…I don't ever want to lose you. If I really made you angry enough to drive you away – to have you really stop talking to me – I'd be lost. I don't know if I could keep at this like I do without you behind me, waiting for me when I get back from a case. Maybe I don't want to keep risking my life all the time. Maybe I finally have a reason to be careful…"
She turned to face him again, her eyes narrowed as she studied his face. "Morgan? Are you saying…wait…what are you saying? What's your reason?"
"You are, Beautiful," he whispered, bridging the distance between them at last and cradling her face in his large, warm hands. "You're my reason. I want to be with you, if I ever get the chance. Really be with you, in every way possible, and so I'd better keep myself in one piece until that day comes around."
For a second, her eyes appeared disbelieving, as if she were gauging whether to trust his declaration, or if it was just a ploy to get her to start talking to him again. But then she really looked in his face, saw the love and sincerity there and realized that he meant what he said. There were all kinds of things to sort out. There was Kevin to think about, fraternization rules and the rest of the team to consider, but in that moment none of it mattered. Secretly, she had always known that if Derek were to ever return her feelings for him – see her the way she had wanted him to for so long – she would drop everything to be with him.
"You promise you'll keep that deliciously sexy chocolate body uninjured and safe for me?" she asked, drawing out the suspense as he waited for her response to his confession.
Smirking at her words, he knew he was forgiven. "I'll do my best," he vowed. When her face broke out in a beaming grin, Morgan realized he would do anything to keep that smile on her face. It was time for a change, especially if it would win him her.
And the reason is you…