*Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not mine, anything you don't recognize is mine.
Note: This story started one day when I was going through fabric, looking for some that would make a good cloak, and I was having a hard time finding something the right color, and I came across this garishly bright fabric (as described in the story); as a joke, I pointed to it and said "I'll make my Ranger's cloak out of this!" (one of my brothers had asked me what I was looking for earlier) My brothers aided and abetted me, so some things came from their wacked up imagination, not mine. And in no way do I intend to insult the characters, nor their turtle (or turtel) fighting skills.
And now, I give you:
Turtle Mania!!!
"HI!" A young girl in a garishly bright cloak piped cheerfully. Halt and Will jumped;
"Aaah! Where'd you come from?! And with that horribly garish cloak that provides absolutely no camouflage, how did you get so close without us seeing you?!" Will exclaimed, seeing as she just appeared so close to him that she was almost touching him. Halt remained calm and as grim looking as ever.
"Oh, yeah; that's because I got a sorcerer to enchant it! The only problem is, is that horses, and ponies, and donkeys, and mules, and hinnys, and all equines can smell magic, and to them it stinks; so I can't ride one because they won't get near me if they can help it!" The Rangers just stared at her; Tug sneezed, and backed away; Abelard just looked at her in disgust.
"Then how do you get around?"
"I had him enchant it so I can FLY!!! Wanna see?" Without waiting for an answer, she took a running start and jumped. Off a cliff. Will winced;
"What a way to die."
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" A blur of bright yellow, pink, lime green, and neon orange streaked by. Will's jaw dropped; Halt remained stoic. They watched as the blur looped-the-loop, spiraled, twisting and turning, and finally diving, landing in front of them. Dizzily, she staggered around, trying to maintain balance. "Was that cool, or WHAT!" Will fell over, Halt just raised an eyebrow, then helped Will get back on his feet.
"How-who-what-where-why-" Will stammered.
"Oh, yeah; and I want to know what I have to do to become a Ranger's apprentice!" She squealed, "Eeee! Could I be your apprentice!" She pointed at Halt.
"NO. NOT. ON. YOUR. LIFE." Halt replied shortly. She scowled,
"WHY NOT!!!! I'd practice really hard, and I'll do everything you want me to without complaining once!" She glared; "Or are you discriminating against me because I'm a girl and thus am inferior?!"
"Like you have any skills that would be useful; so far you've been way too loud, obnoxious, and overall: PSYCHOTIC!" Halt answered crossly.
"Of course I have useful skills!!!! I can catch turtles!!!!!!" Halt and Will looked at her incredulously.
"WHAT!!!!! What good is that!!!!! THAT'S A TOTALLY USELESS SKILL!!!!! THAT'S NOT EVEN A SKILL AT ALL!!!!!" Halt exclaimed; he looked very intimidating. Not that it had any affect on her.
"It is where I come from." She said, "Crazy Araluens." she mumbled under her breath.
"What did you say?"
"Oh, nothing." She said offhandedly, "Anyway, where I come from, Turtlers make tons of money."
"Why? They can't be all that hard to catch, and they certainly aren't rare." Will commented, still incredulous.
"Because, certain kinds of turtles are delicacies; they are harder to catch than you think; and some species are very rare, and/or hard to find. Here, I'll show you." She pulled a pouch off her belt; opening it, she stuck her arm in up to her elbow and began rummaging around. "Where is it, where is it..." She mumbled, "Ah!" She pulled out a snapping turtle as big as a platter.
"That's HUGE!" Will exclaimed.
"Oops, wrong one." She scratched her head, "How did he get in there? Oh well." She tossed it to the side. "Turtle, turtle; I need a turtle..." Reaching back inside, she started rummaging again.
"Um, wasn't that a turtle?" Halt pointed out.
"No, that was a tick. All right, that is IT!" She opened the pouch all the way; "No more games!!!" She shook the bag. "MASTER OOGWAY!!! GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" A large, green striped head poked out, "Come on Oogway." After looking at her, the rest of the turtle slowly emerged. Will's jaw hit the ground; even Halt looked mildly amazed.
"How did that thing fit in there!" Will looked from the ginormous turtle, who was three feet across if an inch, to the palm sized pouch.
"Oh, it's enchanted too. So's most of my Turtler equipment." She said with a shrug, "Now, this is an gibberalatran turtle, and one as small as he is would bring..." She stuck her arm in her pouch and felt around. "...at least this much." She finished as she strained to lift something out of the bag. "Uh, a little help, please? Oh, never mind, I think I got it." With a grunt, she managed to pull whatever it was out of the pouch; which turned out to be a bag at least as big as the turtle at her feet. Suddenly, a seam split and gold coins started pouring out. "Arg!" She quickly shoved the half-empty bag back into the pouch. "NO! BAD MASTER OOGWAY!" To Halt's amusement, the turtle was eating whatever gold he could reach, and it had already eaten about half of what was there. "NO! NO! NO!" She began beating the turtle with her fists, but the turtle paid no attention to her. "You know, in order for me to get that back, I'm going to have to cut you open." The turtle's eyes got big, then it started puking up gold. "Ewww! Now there's turtle slime all over it! Oogway, one of these days.." She let the threat hang in the air; pulling out a towel, she used it to stuff the rest of the gold back in her pouch. Halt wondered briefly how someone as young as she could have so much gold; If Erak ever hears of someone earning so much just by catching turtles, her country's going to have an influx of Skandian immigrants before too long...
"Is that as big as they get?" Will asked, curious.
"Wha? Oh, he's nothing." She answered, indicating 'Master Oogway'. "Now, if you want to see a bigger one..." Pulling a black, shimmery glove on as she talked, she balled her hand into a fist and shoved it into the pouch; when she pulled it out, her fist was in the mouth of a turtle that was half again the size of the one at her feet. Grabbing the edge of the glove, she peeled it off her hand, stretching it over the turtle till it was completely covered, she then pulled her hand out of the turtle's mouth. With the turtle now inside the inverted glove, she tossed it toward Will, pulling the glove off it as she did so.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" With a WHUMP, the turtle landed on him.
"WILL!" Halt cried out in alarm, pulling out his saxe as the turtle proceeded to attack Will.
"Oops..." She muttered, as Halt struggled to remove it from his former apprentice. Pulling the glove back on, she stuck her fist back in the dreaded pouch. "And even that one's got nothing on this." She commented, just as Halt managed to pull the turtle off of Will. She pulled a small, very furry turtle out. "Oh, yeah; I forgot I had this one." It not only had fur, but teeth and a snarl to match. "This is a wereturtle; it got bit by a wolf, so it's quite a handful. Especially on the full moon." She pitched it to the side. Halt's jaw hit the ground when she pulled the next turtle out.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Halt and Will screamed in unison.
"This is an antarctic turtle; very rare. Their wool makes the warmest and softest fabric, which neither rain, nor sleet, nor wind, nor snow, nor hail can penetrate." With a shell big enough for Halt or Will to stand up in (if it were just a shell), it was the largest, and most unusual turtle either of the Rangers had ever seen; covered from head to tail in greyish-white wool, it looked like a mound of snow. "Here." With an even bigger WHUMP, this one had the unfortunate circumstance to land on Halt, or rather, Halt had the unfortunate circumstance of having it land on him.
"Can't. Breathe-" Halt gasped.
"HALT!!!!" With saxe in hand, Will lept at the beast.
"What's going on? We come to pay you a visit and-" The voice broke off as the speaker came into view, and saw the turtle. "By the Three Gods, that's- that's-"
"Gargantuan." Gilan finished for Erak; then they noticed who was under it.
"HALT!!!!" They exclaimed, leaping forward, weapons in hand, to the aid of their friend.
"HALT!" She said, stepping in-between them and the turtle.
"Yeah, that's what we said; that turtle's killing him!" She rolled her eyes;
"No, halt as in 'STOP', sheesh." She glared at them. "And, it's not a turtle, it's a turtel." They just looked at her.
"SO! What difference does that make!"
"A turtle is a boy, a turtel is a girl." She explained, exasperated.
"It's still killing him!" Gilan bellowed, pushing past her.
"She's hungry!" She yelled, stomping her foot.
"YEAH! WHY ELSE WOULD IT BE TRYING TO EAT HIM!"
"NO! SHE EATS CERTAIN KINDS OF METAL!!!!" She shrieked, "PRECIOUS METALS ARE HER FAVORITE!!!" She was quite right; Halt went into a frenzy when he noticed the turtel was trying to eat his silver oak leaf.
"(~insert word(s) of your choice here~)" Halt swore; to his amazement, the turtel flinched. At least, that's what he thought; until he noticed that the turtel's attention was focused on the barrage of gold coins that were pelting it's shell. Erak watched incredulously as the girl threw away perfectly good gold, bit by bit drawing the turtel off of Halt; he was sure she was using more than necessary. The turtel followed the trail of gold right back into the pouch.
"That was close." Gilan murmured, sheathing his sword; Will was trying to revive Halt, and Erak was still gawking at the girl.
"How did you- where did you-" Erak pointed at the pouch on the girl's belt, "Gold."
"Yeah, it's her favorite." She commented, not understanding what he meant.
"No, I mean-" He growled in frustration; "Where did it all come from, and why did you feed it to the turtle." He moaned. "What a waste!!!"
"First of all, that was a turtel; I got all that gold from selling turtles I catch, and I fed it to the turtel so that Halt wouldn't die. If he died, then I wouldn't have a mentor." Halt came to with a start.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" He jumped up and started running away. "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Will tackled him;
"You're going to over exert yourself, Halt: BE STILL!!!!" Will commanded.
"Oh, you wouldn't have to put up with me very long; how long could my training take? Surely no more than a few months." They all looked at her; "What?"
"It takes five to six years." Gilan, Halt, and Will said together. Her jaw hit the ground.
"WHAT?!!!!! But I have obligations!!! I'm booked for the next TEN YEARS!!!! I have only year off to be trained as a Ranger!!!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!" She fell to the ground and beat it with her fists.
"Too bad." Halt said spitefully.
"Wait!!! Can I train part time! Oooo! And I can teach you to catch turtles!!!!" She said excitedly, sitting up.
"AAAAAAA!" Halt lept at her.
"EEEEEEEK!" She zoomed upward, out of Halt's reach; Gilan and Erak stared. Underneath her, Halt was jumping up and down, still trying to reach her.
"Halt, think of the possibilities! Think of the gold-" Erak broke off when he saw Halt's eyes. "Umm, well: could I train you to be a, er, Skandian? Part time, of course. I'd do it gladly." He asked her. She looked thoughtful,
"I won't teach you to be a Turtler, I only threw that in because I really, really, want to be a Ranger; but being a Skandian could be fun. Would I get a helmet with horns on it?!!!"
"Sure; if you teach me to be a Turtler."
"Hmmm; are you good at sneaking around?"
"Yes." Halt, Gilan, and Will started to shake with suppressed laughter; "Hey! I'm pretty good for a Skandian!" Erak said defensively.
"Really? You make bears seem stealthy." Halt pointed out, sides shaking.
"Well, then I'll just have to stick with option number one." She declared. Halt looked at her apprehensively,
"Which is?"
"Training part time to be a Ranger." She answered, turning to Halt; while she was distracted, Erak made a grab for her pouch.
"Hey!" She began pummeling him with her fists.
"OW!!!" He dropped the pouch and stepped back. She bent over to pick it up, and a small black head poked out.
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" She shrieked, jumping ten feet backwards and hiding behind a tree; seeing his chance, and not understanding the danger, Erak lept forward and scooped up the pouch.
"YES! It's mine!" The small black turtle that had fallen out when he picked up the pouch began to hiss threateningly. "Awww; look at the little turtle. Or is it a turtel?" He looked questioningly at the girl.
"Um, you might want to back away very slowly and very, very quietly." She cautioned.
"Huh? Why? This little guy is so cute." He bent over to pet its shell.
"That's kind of a very dangerous breed of turtle; only experts go after those kinds. I only catch turtles as a hobby." Something in her voice made him freeze just before his fingers touched the turtle. "That turtle breathesacid."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" He jumped backward quickly and ran for the cover of the trees. The noise and sudden movement irritated the little turtle; "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Erak screamed again, sounding very much like a girl; he barely managed to dodge the foot wide stream of acid. The Rangers decided now was the time to creep off silently.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" They screamed as they headed for the trees. They hit the dirt just in time to avoid being incinerated.
"WHEN IN TROUBLE, OR IN DOUBT; RUN IN CIRCLES, SCREAM AND SHOUT!" The girl shouted, rolling to one side as the tree she had been hiding behind was reduced to nothing. "IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO STOP IT!" Bursting from cover, she began to run in erratic circles around the now extremely irate turtle, screaming and shouting. The turtle couldn't turn fast enough to keep up with her, so the acid kept missing her. Will shrugged, then ran to join her, closely followed by Gilan; Halt hung back, timing the spurts of acid to make sure that there was no possible way for that stupid little turtle to get him (imagine: 'Today we morn the loss of the greatest Ranger that ever lived; defender of Araluen, slayer of Wargals and Kalkara, defeater of the Temujai, whom all bandits feared; slain by a turtle.'), then he joined in. Sure enough, the streams of acid started to come less frequently as the turtle got dizzier and dizzier; soon they stopped all together.
"Got him!" She shouted triumphantly, snatching him up and quickly stuffing him in a small bag that looked like it was made out of the same material as her special glove. Tying it securely shut, she put that bag inside of another bag, and put that bag inside of another bag, and put that bag inside of another bag, and put that bag inside of another bag, and put that bag inside of another bag, and put that bag inside of another bag, and-
"ENOUGHT ALREADY!!!!" Everyone shouted at the narrator.
"It's not my fault! I'm not the one that wrote it!!!" The narrator screamed back.
"Okay, it's securely locked, I mean bagged, up." She said, shoving the very large and lumpy lump into her pouch.
"Is it safe to come out now?" Erak asked, sounding very much like a frightened child.
"Yes; he's been taken care of." Erak crawled out from under a large, half melted by acid, rock. The clearing was bigger now, thanks to the acidic turtle; half melted trees, bushes, and rocks were everywhere. Halt, Will, Gilan, and the girl (we must continue to call her thus, since the authoress never gave her a name) were in fairly decent shape, despite the emotional trauma that had been inflicted upon them; Erak looked like he'd been badly singed by flying acid, wait, he had been, hadn't he?
"So, can I be your apprentice?"
I enjoyed writing this, and it was easy to write (since it had no plot or anything remotely like it) I hope you got a good laugh out of this :D Btw, "when in trouble, or in doubt; run in circles, scream and shout" is something my grandad says a lot, and I thought it would be fun to put it in a story.
Oh, and I do have a turtle named Master Oogway, but he's not anywhere near as big in RL, and it was one of my brothers who added him into the story. He is also the guilty party who brought all of the turtle related stuff into the story (like the whole turtle catching bit, as well as the acidic turtle.) But most everything else is mine :P
Now, back to writing on my other fanfics...