13.1.18
"I'm Here Now"
When he finally returned, Allura felt more lost than she ever had before. Lost in her thoughts. Lost in her emotions. Lost in a reality without him. Two months after feverish searching, she dawned the armor and responsibility of the black paladin. The subsequent four months were spent in constant combat with the Galra and constant combat with herself. As she pushed herself to focus on leading the team and moving forward as Shiro would want, the pounding pressure of loss was her chronic companion. She couldn't give up on finding him, yet she couldn't give up on the war. Her focuses were a blurred nebulous cloud in the beginning, but she soon locked the pain in a box and tossed it in the growing void within her.
So, when his pod crashed into the castle ship, she was fearful of her reaction. The box threatened to burst into shards, releasing a florid flood of feelings that she couldn't control. The team wasted no time in peeling him out of the cramped cockpit and carrying his unconscious body to the healing pod, careful not to jostle any fractured bones. She remained near the wall. Her eyes swam across the surreal scene before her. She knew she should help. She knew she should make sure they operate the machine properly. She knew she craved to watch over him, to be as near as possible. And yet, she remained near the wall.
Soon, Shiro was awake, slightly disoriented, but okay nonetheless. All the paladins surrounded him with mixed expressions of relief and worry. Pidge's eyes carefully analyzed his body for any leftover scarring. Keith's eyes gleamed with respect, grateful that the faith he placed in his friend, his brother, was not in vein. Lance's eyes allowed the streams of salty water to flow freely down his cheeks. Hunk's eyes were round and shining with large bubbles crowding the corners. Coran's eyes glowed with pride and amazement at the paladin's fighting spirit. Everyone was a little older and experience sharpened their gazes and straightened their shoulders. Shiro smiled weakly at his team before pausing.
"Where's Allura?"
Pidge busied herself with checking Shiro's vitals on the screen nearby. "Everything's looking stable." Shiro glanced from paladin to paladin, but everyone shifted their gaze to the one beside them. Shiro bore into Keith, as his anxieties swelled. Keith toed the ground with his boot, hands on his hips. "She's running flight drills." He jabbed his thumb in the direction of the hangar. Shiro rose, despite the sincere suggestions from the group to do otherwise. Coran silenced them with an unusually silent and decisive hand, allowing Shiro passage through.
When he entered the hangar where all the lions stood at attention, ready at a moment's notice, a figure was sliding out of the gaping mouth of the black lion. Her tall slender body landed gracefully to the floor and turned to rub the cold metal of Black's nose as it hummed contently. She raised the helmet up and shook her head back and forth. Shiro's eyes widened and his tongue folded back then flicked forward across his lips brushing words unspoken.
Her hair was short. Her armor was black. Her once endless waterfalls of ivory tresses now only ended in messy, uneven waves a few inches above her shoulders. What once was his chosen color now guarded her frame. It fit her. He was about to call out to her, but she turned around ready to remove the uniform, unaware of his presence. Once again, his words died a quick death in his throat. Her hands clenched around the helmet, holding it in front of her chest as a barrier between them and as an anchor to reality.
Her eyes were a stormy, faded blue and the marks beneath them a dusty rose. A jagged line a shade lighter than her ashen brown pallor curved from her left ear to her jawline. A jawline that tightened at the sight of him. It was more difficult to read her than before. He had a feeling that she worked hard during his absence to cultivate this skill, to craft an unbreakable mask. For the sake of the team. For the sake of the universe.
He took a cautionary step toward her. She made no move. She stood fixed to the spot. He felt like a ghost the way she looked at him with disbelieving eyes. The closer he got, the more he could see through the cracks. Her lips quivered and her eyebrows drew together in a melancholy arch.
He stood a foot in front of her. The space between them was murky and swirling in an elusive fog, a barrier between the not so distant past and the present. He reached through the dismal depths and pulled her out, toward him. He felt her chest heave against his as she gasped a short, ragged breath. He engulfed her in his arms and rested his chin on top of her head, rubbing back and forth in a caressing motion. After a few beats, she reached her arms around his middle and gripped his shirt in a tight grasp. Her body trembled as she tried to hold him tighter and tighter still. The area where Shiro's shirt met her face dampened and her choked sobs were muffled.
He rubbed her back in haphazard circles, urging her to release the past six months. It pained him more than anything to see her like this. He knew without a doubt that she handled his disappearance with as much poise and sophistication as any warrior. He knew that she pulled the team together even when things felt as if they had irreparably shattered. But he also knew that came at the cost of her dealing with her own emotions. He only knew this because he would do the exact same thing if she ever disappeared. He did, in fact, when she sacrificed herself to save him. Rather than mourn the loss in an introspective cage, he sprung into action as soon as the pod landed in the castle ship.
So, when she finally spoke between fragmented weeping, he felt more than he heard her words spoken against his chest. "We never stopped looking for you." And in those words, he heard a promise– a promise to turn the entire universe upside down in search of him, a promise to burn the Galra empire for their fallen comrade with no second thoughts. He would do the same. He drew her closer and said in a quiet murmur that was beginning to waver on the edge of tears, "I know."
"I lost my family, my home. I couldn't… I couldn't lose you too."
"I know." And the tears fell, unshackled, unfettered, free.