Better Than Nothing.

Dean/Castiel

(Spoilers for 7x01) Dean starts seeing Castiel after he died. He thinks he's just hallucinating, but what if it's really Cas?

"Dean."

How long has it been since this began? Two weeks? Three? I can't remember.

Everyone morning I wake up to this and I still can't figure out a reasonable explanation. Then again, reasonable explanations have never been something I needed. So why did I need one for this? I always have been one to believe what I can see with my eyes, but what I'm seeing now, I can't believe.

Losing Cas hasn't been easy. Sure, I say I'm okay, but don't I always say that when I'm hurting inside? I don't want Sam and Bobby to have to worry about me. They have enough to worry about especially with Sam's hallucinations and everything. The last thing they would want to hear is that I'm hallucinating too. At least I'm pretty sure I am.

The angel didn't look like a ghost or an illusion at all. He looked real. He sounded real. He even felt real. But he couldn't be real.

"Dean," Castiel repeated.

"What now, Cas? It's like seven in the morning, can't I sleep for a bit?" I replied as I sat up straight.

"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's another thing. Castiel remembers everything that happened. In fact, for the first week he wouldn't stop apologizing. Even now he apologizes for the smallest things.

"It's fine," I groaned, "it's just a little annoying, you know, being told to get up early in the morning by a figment of your own imagination." This was meant to be taken as a joke, but as usual Cas didn't take it as one.

"I'm not a hallucination, Dean."

"Yeah, we went through this."

"I mean it-"

"Cas." He froze. I could tell he looked hurt, but I ignored him. He's not real. I know he's not real.

…

"Dean?" said a voice from the other room.

"Hey Sammy," I said trying to hide my surprise. Knowing my luck, Sam just heard my whole little conversation I had with myself.

"Who were you talking to a second ago?"

"What? I wasn't talking to anybody. So is there a case today? I'm dying to stretch my legs."

Sam always sees right through my horrible attempts at lying. He gave me one of those looks like he's about to go on talking about how I shouldn't keep secrets, but luckily Bobby came in just in time to stop him.

"Hey Sam, Dean," he said distracted. He was looking around the room for something.

"What are you looking for, Bobby?" I said, eager to start a conversation that may distract Sam.

"My spare container of salt. The thing's gone missing. I'm gonna have to go into town and get some more before we end up needing some."

Of course. Now you are going to leave us alone with nothing to do, but have that dreaded conversation.

"I can go. Got nothing to do right now anyway," I quickly offered.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I have a couple errands to run anyway."

Great. Just great.

"Okay, we'll be here then," Sam said. He seemed a little too happy about how that played out.

After Bobby left the room got quiet. I looked over at Cas and then over at Sam. I did not want to have this conversation.

"What's the matter, Dean?" Cas seemed genuinely concerned, but I wasn't about to answer to someone who isn't even really there.

"Dean, seriously, what is going on? I hear you talking to yourself a lot lately, you're acting weird and drinking more than usual. And on top of all that, you have that look that tells me you're hiding something whenever I try to talk to you about it. Just talk to me, Dean. I can handle it."

I looked at my brother and for a second, I honestly considered telling him. How could I though? It's just going to make it harder for him. I closed my eyes and tried to think.

"Dean!" Sam was getting impatient. "You tell me to be honest and then you just go ahead and keep things from me. Why can't you just listen to your own advice for once?"

He had a point. I looked over at Castiel. He looked at me curiously.

I took a long, deep breath.

…

"So, you see Cas? Right now?" Sam was surprised, but not upset or even really concerned.

"Yeah. He's… on the couch." It sounded even worse when I said it out loud. I gave a quick wave to Cas to make my point.

"Well, okay."

"Okay? That's all you have to say. Okay?"

"What do you want me to say? That you're nuts and hallucinating? In case you forgot, I've been having chats with my hallucinations too. And in case you forgot, I'm hallucinating Lucifer. At least you get Cas."

Once again, not a bad point. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm hallucinating.

"Yeah, well, it's weird, okay? Plus, I figure we have enough to worry about."

"I thought you would get by now that keeping secrets only makes things worse, Dean."

I rolled my eyes at him.

"So what's he like?" Sam's voice interrupted the brief silence.

"Who? Cas? He's just… same old Cas."

"What does he say to you?"

"Does it matter, Sam? I don't know. Just random comments mostly. And he keeps apologizing for what he did when we last saw him."

"I'm probably wrong, but you don't think that it's actually Cas, right? I mean, maybe he can only be seen by you for some reason. Like because he doesn't have enough angel power or, or maybe he's afraid to face the rest of us? You don't think that-"

"Sam. It's just a hallucination. Cas is dead."

"But Dean-"

"Stop it, Sam. I'm done talking."

I left the room upset. I don't know why I got so upset over that. Was it because I'm still not over Cas's death? I don't know, I just need to figure all this out.

…..

"Dean, why don't you believe me?" Castiel appeared beside me. I went outside to get away from the tension I left in the room with Sam, but of course this one just follows me wherever I go.

"Because you're not real, Cas." I wasn't in the mood for talking, but I knew ignoring him wouldn't do much good.

"I am real, Dean." He touched my shoulder, "See?"

"You know that doesn't prove anything. It only proves that I'm really going crazy."

"You aren't going crazy. I just-"

"Just what? Can't bother to show yourself to anyone else?"

"Dean, I have my reasons."

"Really? Because I would love to hear them," I was getting angry again. Castiel just looked at the ground and stayed silent. "Yeah, I didn't think so."

"It's complicated."

"I'm sure. I'm sorry, but that doesn't count as an answer."

"It's all I can do to make myself seen by you. In fact, I don't think I can hold onto this for much longer. It's not meant to be permanent after all."

That answer surprised me, but I couldn't jump to conclusions. This was probably just another part of my hallucination, but I just couldn't help wondering if maybe it was Cas. Maybe in some way or another, he somehow came back like this. It's a possibility I guess. And what if it's true, what then? It's not permanent. So how long will it be until he just vanishes?

All this is getting too complicated. I need a drink.

…...

I haven't seen Cas for a few hours now. He usually doesn't go this long before making an appearance, but it's the fact that I haven't seen him since that last conversation that bothers me. Of course he would disappear right after saying how he's going to eventually disappear. Of course. But there is no reason that I should let this bother me. First of all, he's probably not real. And second, if he is, then he would at least let me know that he's leaving for good, right? Cas has never been good at good-byes though. I'm thinking too much into this.

I took another sip of my drink. The room was quiet again. Sam was looking for cases online while Bobby was continuing the hopeless case of searching old books for anything useful on the Leviathans.

"So," I decided to break the silence, "any luck, either of you?"

"Not really getting much here," Sam said. I could tell he was still annoyed at how I snapped at him, but he wasn't too upset over it.

"No luck here either. Not that that should be a surprise," Bobby said.

"Do you think Cas would know?" Sam's question caught me off guard. I hadn't said anything to him directly, but I kind of implied to keep this from Bobby. Too late for that I guess. I looked at Bobby who was just giving Sam a strange look and then he turned to me.

"Is there something you aren't telling me, boys?"

"No, it's just-"

"Dean." Sam interrupted. I rolled my eyes and refilled my glass. "Bobby, Dean told me that he's been seeing Castiel. He thinks he's hallucinating, but I think that it's possible it's actually Cas."

"How long have you been keeping this from us?" He was upset.

"Not long. A while. It doesn't matter, okay? He's not real and I haven't seen him since this morning anyway."

"He left?" Sam was surprised.

"Yeah. We were talking and he just kind of left."

"Does he do that a lot? Just disappear?"

"Well. Not really, but I'm sure it's not a big deal. Like I said, he's a hallucination, Sam. He's not real."

"Then test it."

"What? What do you want me to do?"

"Do what you did for me. You remember, when you pressed down on my stitches. See if he disappears."

"Sam-"

"Just do it, Dean. Then you can know for sure."

"Whatever." If he even comes back.

…..

It was late now. Still no sign of Cas. Great. I didn't want to have to do this, but I guess it wouldn't hurt.

"Hey, Cas. Look I'm sorry about before. Can you come back for a minute? I need to talk to you."

Nothing. Well at least I tried. I turned around and find Castiel standing right behind me.

"Hello."

"Hey." I said, not sure whether to be glad this worked or not.

"So what did you want to discuss? I mean, you won't believe me no matter what I tell you."

"Well, it's just that actually," I said as I pressed my hand against a cut on my arm. Castiel didn't disappear or even flinch. "I'm starting to maybe believe that you are real. But I'm not sure yet and I still need some explaining from you, so start talking."

"Right," Cas appeared to be surprised, but pleased. "Well I can't manage to produce a physical form with the power I have left. It takes enough to just appear to you. I wanted to see you again though and Sam and Bobby too, of course."

"Why?"

"Why what? Why did I want to see you again? Because you are my friends."

"Why only me though?"

"Because you are important to me, Dean. And I wanted to tell you of all people that I'm sorry. I feel like I betrayed you the most."

"Okay," I took a deep breath, "so let's say I believe everything you just told me. How are you here? I thought you were dead."

"I am."

"Right. So how you are here is my question. And how long will this last?"

"When I awoke I found myself without much power at all, but I am able to generate enough for one person to interact with me. As for how long, I don't know. Not much longer, I would assume."

"Then what? Are you just going to disappear again?"

"Yes."

"Why couldn't you just tell me this from the beginning? Maybe I wouldn't have thought I was going crazy if you just confronted me."

"Would you have believed me if I told you before?"

I was quiet this time. Would I have? Who knows. I guess this means I believe him now though. Let's hope he's right.

….

By now I'm getting past the fact that I could be going insane and seeing my friend when no one else can and trying to believe that he somehow came back. It's not like he hasn't come back to life before, but it's different this time. And the fact that I'm the only one in the world who can interact with him makes me uneasy. I guess it doesn't matter though. I mean, if he really is back, I shouldn't be wasting this time deciding whether to believe him or not, right? I should talk to him at least. He is one of my closest friends after all.

"Hey Cas," I said as I ate breakfast. Sam looked up from his computer as if he would suddenly be able to see Castiel too.

"He's here now?" Sam asked.

"Yup. He's standing right next to you actually."

"Cas! Is it really you? I wish I could see you too. Are you doing okay?"

"One question at a time, Sammy," I said as I went back to eating.

"Um," Castiel looked confused. I'm guessing he is debating whether to bother talking or not.

"Go ahead, Cas. I'll tell Sam what you tell me."

"Okay. Well it is good to see you, Sam. I wish you could also see me, but as I told Dean, I do not have enough energy to do so. It is really me though and I am fine. Also, I'm sorry I don't have enough power to fix your "wall". I do regret what I did last time we saw each other and-"

"Hold on, give me a break to repeat this to Sammy," I said impatiently.

"My apologies."

I repeated as best as I could, what Cas said to Sam and continued to talk for him so they could have a conversation. It was during this that I began to honestly think that this was the real Cas. It just seemed too real to be from my imagination.

….

We tried not to talk about the events that resulted in the death of the angel sitting next to me very often, but he insisted on bring it up a few times. I can tell he feels really horrible about the whole thing. He won't stop apologizing to me and Sam and he always gets quiet when we are talking about Sam's hallucinations. Seeing him so unable to forgive himself even after we have forgiven him so many times is actually really hard. It's kind of funny though because in that sense, Cas really fits in with the rest of us.

We have been busy trying to figure out what to do about the Leviathans in the mean time. Castiel has been helping too. After a few days of this, I really have started getting used to fact that Cas is, sort of, back with us. It's strange, but it is starting to seem really real now.

….

It's probably been about a month now.

"Dean."

I groaned, "…What?"

"Dean, you need to wake up. It's important."

"What now Cas? It's four in the morning."

"I don't have much time."

I got up. Was this the end?

"What's going on, Cas? You're not disappearing now, are you?"

"I don't know. It's just that… it's getting more difficult to make myself visible to you."

I looked at his concerned face. He was becoming transparent.

"This is bad," I grabbed his shoulders, "Look, just hold on for a bit longer. I'll go get Bobby."

I ran downstairs calling for Bobby and Sam. We've talked about how to keep him here before. But Castiel would only say that it's useless. He said he'd go eventually and that we shouldn't bother trying to keep him here. But of course, I'm not going to let him just disappear like this. Even if it's just a few more days, we need to try to keep here.

"Bobby, it's Cas! What do we do? He's vanishing right now!"

"Dean, I told you already! I haven't found anything on anything. Plus, you heard what Cas said."

"Yeah I know. But we can't let him just go."

Sam came into the room. "What's going on? Cas's leaving now?"

"No, he's not because we're going to do some spell or something, right Bobby?"

"Dean, I told you-"

"There is a way, Bobby! I know there is. We can find it, we just need more time," I shouted. "I'm going to check on Cas. You start going through anything you can find."

I ran back to the room where I left the angel. He was still sitting down, barely visible. He looked up at me with sad eyes.

"Dean. I can't. I'm glad I got to see you again though."

"Cas! Don't talk like that. We found a way to keep you here, you just need to fight a little longer," I lied.

"Dean…"

"Cas! Just hold on for another minute. Just-"

Castiel stood up and hugged me. I froze. No, he can't just leave me again. Not now.

"Thanks for everything, Dean," he said with a sad smile.

"Cas! Stop-"

He was gone.

….

I feel like everytime I lose Cas, it gets harder. And everytime seems more final. I didn't think I would see him again last time he left us, but this time seems even more like a final good-bye.

Sam and Bobby haven't mentioned Cas since that night. I haven't either. In fact, I haven't really talked much at all since. I'm drinking a lot again too.

….

It's been three months since Cas left.

Life's starting to return to, well, what we call normal. Right now Sam and I are working a small case. Working helps keep my mind off things I don't want to think about, but after the job is done, nothing really changes.

"Sam, it's not on the table. Where did you-" I stopped. I nearly dropped the phone in my hand. "Cas?"

I must be hallucinating for real this time. There is no way.

"Hello, Dean," he said with a smile. That's when I noticed. Of course this is too good to be true. Castiel was different somehow. He looked like he did when he was vanishing a few months back. Transparent.

"Cas, how…" I was confused though I couldn't help but to feel at least a little happy. To be able to give him a proper good-bye would at least be nice.

"Dean, I've been given a new job."

"What?"

"I got what I prayed so hard for; another chance to watch over you."

"What… do you mean? Like now you are going to be a little angel on my shoulder or something?"

"If you are trying to ask if I'm your guardian angel, then you would be correct. I got the job."

Castiel as my guardian angel? It seemed kind of weird, but as cheesy as it sounds, somehow it didn't seem like he wasn't already.

"Wow. Well, it's good to see you again."

"Yeah."

"Wait, so do I get to see you permanently now?"

There was a pause. That was never a good sign.

"Not permanently. But I can on occasion. That's better than nothing, right?"

"Yeah, of course." I was a little upset that it was only going to be an occasion, but it was better than nothing. Just seeing him again was better than nothing.

"I missed you, Cas."

"Me too, Dean."