A/N: I am updating all the chapters in this fic and fixing spelling mistakes, this story takes place before Kay turned into the person she is on Passions today, so in the year 2000. I always thought the character had great potential and I feel it has been wasted on the show so here is a story that shows a vulnerable, caring Kay that owns up to her mistakes and learns from them.
Kay Bennett got up out of bed and yawned. Today was the day she would get Miguel, she knew it. She spent almost an hour doing her hair, putting on her make-up, making sure she looked perfect for Miguel; today he was going to see her, really see her. She thought that if she could look beautiful he would realize what he was missing, but it never did really seem to work. He seemed to look right through her, like she was nothing, and sometimes that's how she felt. She walked downstairs but stopped halfway down, because there was Miguel... down on one knee... proposing to Charity. Kay stood there, outraged, that was supposed to be her, not crazy premonition girl, HER. She ran down the stairs and out of the door, to get away from him, to get away from the betrayal she felt.
She spent the whole day at the wharf, it was freezing and she had forgotten her coat but she didn't care, she wasn't hungry, or thirsty, hot or cold, she was just there, staring at the water trying to make sense out of it, he had to love her, not Charity, Charity wasn't ever going to love him forever, she couldn't, it was Kay's fate, her mission in life, to love him forever and to make him happy.
Kay got home and immediately she saw that something wasn't right Charity, Grace, Simone, Jessica and Miguel were all in the kitchen sitting around the table looking angry.
Kay walked in and was greeted by cold and angry stares. She didn't know what was wrong but then she saw it. Laying on the table open in front of everyone was her diary, a record of every bad thought she had had about Charity and every bad act she had committed against her fair-haired cousin. Time stood still for a time but everything was put back into motion by a sound resounding through the room, the sound of her mother's hand as it connected with her cheek.
"How dare you Kay!" said Grace taking the diary and throwing it across the room where it hit the wall with a boom and fell to the floor.
"I-I…" Was all that would come out of her mouth.
"I can't believe you could treat Charity, your own cousin, like this after all she has been through! You spilled fish guts on her and made her think she was going crazy. I just can't believe you. I don't even want to look at you, I don't know how you can be my daughter, I am ashamed to even be your mother! I don't want to be your mother! I raised you in a loving, religious home and you turn out like this! When you turn eighteen next month I want you out of this house," she said angrily
"Kay, how could you even do this, you are the most hateful, horrible person I have ever met," said Jessica glaring at her.
"Kay, I thought we were friends, I thought you cared about me but after all of this I wish I wasn't your cousin, I wish I had never met you. You are an evil heartless person, Kay," said Charity with tears in her big blue eyes.
Kay looked at Simone and realized her friend must have found out about her lying and saying she had heard Chad say that he was in love with Simone, her thoughts were confirmed when Simone spoke.
"Kay, how could you betray me like this, you KNEW Chad didn't love me and you made me think he did. I hate you!" she said rushing out of the room crying.
Kay looked at Miguel trying to find forgiveness or understanding in his eyes but he looked at her with a stare that actually made tears fall from her eyes. "Miguel-," she said as tears poured down her cheeks.
"Kay, I don't know who you are, I don't know what you are. How could you do this to Charity? You are just a selfish brat. All this time I thought you were my friend but when you didn't get your way you had to hurt people. I can't even stand to be in the same room with you," he said as he and Charity got up and went into the living room.
Kay ran upstairs and wrote two letters, as quickly as her hands could write down her jumbled thoughts.
Dear Dad,
I know you have a lot going on with the baby coming and Charity but I feel like there is no more room in your life for me. I know you are going to be disappointed in me when you find out what I did to Charity and when you find out I've left and I'm sorry. When the baby comes the house will be too crowded and I'll just disappear to everyone, although it's like I already have, so I've decided to make things easier and leave now. Over the past year and a half I've had to watch Charity take my best friend and the man I love away from me. Then she took my mother and even my own sister. She's the daughter Mom has always wanted me to be. I know Charity has had some hard times and I didn't exactly help but she has taken everything I ever loved or wanted. I wanted a car but Mom spent the money on her. I wanted my own room but she got it, it sounds selfish and petty but it's how I feel.
The one thing I wanted more than anything else was Miguel and she took him away too. I have had to stand here for a year and half and watch them kiss, declare their love, go out on dates, be Prom Queen and King and even watch them get engaged before my eyes while I stand in the background with a broken heart. I just can't take it any more. And now they all know what I've done. Anyway I've decided to go to California, I already bought a bus ticket and I should be there in a few days please don't look for me. I know to you it may seem like I'm leaving for stupid reasons but you don't know how I feel and how much it hurts. Dad, you are the only one who loves me anymore, you treat me and Charity equally. I want you to know I love you and I'll keep in touch.
Kay
She also left one for Miguel and it was easier than she would have thought possible bur they had been words she'd been thinking up in her head for years, because it was how she felt so she just wrote down everything she'd been aching to say her whole life.
Miguel,
If you have this it means that you know I'm gone. I wonder how long it took for some one to realize I wasn't around? I guess it doesn't matter because after a couple weeks you'll forget all about me, you will probably be relieved that I'm not there to sabotage you and Charity anymore. There is one thing I want you to know before you read any further. I love you, and I have loved you for as long as I can remember. We've done everything together, we went to the zoo for the first time together, played softball together, learned how to write and tie our shoes together, and we were even each others first kiss even though we were only kids. It was always Kay and Miguel or Miguel and Kay. Our names were always connected… we were always connected. I always wanted to be with you, you were perfect to me. You were sweet, considerate and you always looked out for me. You have no idea how it feels to have one person come and take all of that away.
When Charity came to town I thought I could handle it because she was just a girl from out of town that you had a crush on but when I found out she was my cousin I felt even worse. I wonder a lot that if I would have been in the burning house with Charity and you could have only saved one of us who would you have saved; I think it would be her. I'm not a part of your life anymore, not a big part anyway. You say I'm your best friend but I don't think I am anymore. All you do is talk about Charity, she's the only thing in your life, you see her everyday and you are hardly ever at home and you never hang out with just me. I know you love her but did you ever think about how all of this makes me feel? When you want to do something you always ask Charity to do it with you, it's like you forgot I even exist.
Since you and everyone else read my diary you know I have been trying to break you and Charity up since the beginning and I've done some really horrible things to her. Please tell her that I'm sorry.
There are three things I would like to tell you about, that I would like you to know. First off during the avalanche that we had last year, I was worried about you, I was more than worried. When I found out you were out there with Charity I left the Ski lodge when everyone told me it was too dangerous and that you could even be dead. I was freezing and scared but I had to make sure you were alright. I found you and Charity together and I thought you were dead. I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again but I did only a few minutes later. I told you that I loved you and you woke up and said someone's love had brought you back but you meant Charity. Hearing you say that made me feel that same pain but it was some how worse and then today when you looked at me I felt that same pain again and it was almost unbearable.
Then there was the prom… I was scared you were going to die when you went off in that boat for Charity and left me behind. I was scared and I wanted you there with me but you just left, I know if you had to die you would want to die with Charity. But I was scared to death when the boat was rocking and the lights were going out and you weren't there to help me. You left me and I felt abandoned. And last but not least there was the mine shaft. I can still feel your lips on mine when we kissed and I know everything was real, nothing can convince me it wasn't. You said that if Charity hadn't come along then we would be together. How do you think that made me feel? I wanted her to die. One person had ruined my whole future.
I just can't stand by and watch you get married and make a family with her. I'd end up standing in the back of the church watching her walk down the aisle and promise to love and be with you forever, when in my heart I would wish it was me. I would then do something stupid to get back at her for taking you. I would saw the heel of her shoe so she'd trip as she walked down the aisle off or steal her wedding dress or pour paint on her minutes before the ceremony started but that probably wouldn't stop you. So then I would have to watch as you had children. I know you would make a good father and I would have to watch as you play with your children when the whole time I would be wishing they were our children and I'd end up resenting them for being Charity's. Everyday I would have to watch you celebrate your love and I just can't handle it. I've done some drastic things that I'm not proud of because I didn't want to watch you and Charity together while I torture myself wishing it was me that you loved. I just need to forget about you and start over and maybe I can change. Thinking of you, being around you, just hurts too much, my jealousy toward Charity makes me a bad person inside and it makes me feel horrible. I'm going to find a place where I belong and I hope you'll respect that and leave me alone.
Love, Kay
Kayla wiped her eyes as she remembered, that was the last time she had seen her sister, cousin, or her mother. She laughed cynically at the tears that fell from her eyes. It had all been a lesson she had needed to learn, and she had learned from it and that was all that mattered but she couldn't keep a huge wave of shame from washing over her at the thought of the person she used to be and the things that she had done.
She walked into the kitchen and going over to the refrigerator she stopped. Hanging on the refrigerator was a picture of a very handsome young man with dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. Kay smiled, she couldn't help but smile or cry when she looked at that picture, it just depended on her day. She pulled out a bottle of water and gently touched the picture with tears in her eyes. She went into the living room and sat on the comfortable sofa. She took the blanket at the end of the sofa and pulled it over herself. She then took a drink of her water and laid back thinking about the first time she had met him, everyday for the last twelve years she had thought about him, he was still as much a part of her life as if he was right there with her, but he wasn't.
Disclaimer: Passions belongs to JER and NBC and I don't own ot or the characters and I'm not making money from them so don't sue.
Kayla Belay, as she now called herself sat on her bed listening to a soft
song about love and her eyes welled up with tears. It had been an exceptionally
hard day. She'd lost one of her patients that morning, a young man, with a tumor
in his liver, he had been hopefully waiting for a liver transplant but now he
didn't have to wait anymore, he was happy now, peaceful, without pain.
She ran her fingers through her shoulder length hair knowing there were a few
strands of gray starting to peak out, she was only thirty, too young for gray
hair in her opinion.
Kayla got off of her bed and started pacing around the room, she hated losing a
patient it always brought back so many memories. Some good, some bad, as
memories always were. She thought about that day twelve long years ago, it had
changed her life in so many ways, for the good. But that day it seemed as if her
whole life was over. She remembered it as clearly as if it had happened the day
before.
Kay Bennett got up out of bed and yawned. Today was the day she would get Miguel, she knew it. She spent almost an hour doing her hair, putting on her make-up, making sure she looked perfect for Miguel; today he was going to see her, really see her. She thought that if she could look beautiful he would realize what he was missing, but it never did really seem to work. He seemed to look right through her, like she was nothing, and sometimes that's how she felt. She walked downstairs but stopped halfway down, because there was Miguel... down on one knee... proposing to Charity. Kay stood there, outraged, that was supposed to be her, not crazy premonition girl, HER. She ran down the stairs and out of the door, to get away from him, to get away from the betrayal she felt.
She spent the whole day at the wharf, it was freezing and she had forgotten her coat but she didn't care, she wasn't hungry, or thirsty, hot or cold, she was just there, staring at the water trying to make sense out of it, he had to love her, not Charity, Charity wasn't ever going to love him forever, she couldn't, it was Kay's fate, her mission in life, to love him forever and to make him happy.
Kay got home and immediately she saw that something wasn't right Charity, Grace, Simone, Jessica and Miguel were all in the kitchen sitting around the table looking angry.
Kay walked in and was greeted by cold and angry stares. She didn't know what was wrong but then she saw it. Laying on the table open in front of everyone was her diary, a record of every bad thought she had had about Charity and every bad act she had committed against her fair-haired cousin. Time stood still for a time but everything was put back into motion by a sound resounding through the room, the sound of her mother's hand as it connected with her cheek.
"How dare you Kay!" said Grace taking the diary and throwing it across the room where it hit the wall with a boom and fell to the floor.
"I-I…" Was all that would come out of her mouth.
"I can't believe you could treat Charity, your own cousin, like this after all she has been through! You spilled fish guts on her and made her think she was going crazy. I just can't believe you. I don't even want to look at you, I don't know how you can be my daughter, I am ashamed to even be your mother! I don't want to be your mother! I raised you in a loving, religious home and you turn out like this! When you turn eighteen next month I want you out of this house," she said angrily
"Kay, how could you even do this, you are the most hateful, horrible person I have ever met," said Jessica glaring at her.
"Kay, I thought we were friends, I thought you cared about me but after all of this I wish I wasn't your cousin, I wish I had never met you. You are an evil heartless person, Kay," said Charity with tears in her big blue eyes.
Kay looked at Simone and realized her friend must have found out about her lying and saying she had heard Chad say that he was in love with Simone, her thoughts were confirmed when Simone spoke.
"Kay, how could you betray me like this, you KNEW Chad didn't love me and you made me think he did. I hate you!" she said rushing out of the room crying.
Kay looked at Miguel trying to find forgiveness or understanding in his eyes but he looked at her with a stare that actually made tears fall from her eyes. "Miguel-," she said as tears poured down her cheeks.
"Kay, I don't know who you are, I don't know what you are. How could you do this to Charity? You are just a selfish brat. All this time I thought you were my friend but when you didn't get your way you had to hurt people. I can't even stand to be in the same room with you," he said as he and Charity got up and went into the living room.
Kay ran upstairs and wrote two letters, as quickly as her hands could write down her jumbled thoughts.
Dear Dad,
I know you have a lot going on with the baby coming and Charity but I feel like there is no more room in your life for me. I know you are going to be disappointed in me when you find out what I did to Charity and when you find out I've left and I'm sorry. When the baby comes the house will be too crowded and I'll just disappear to everyone, although it's like I already have, so I've decided to make things easier and leave now. Over the past year and a half I've had to watch Charity take my best friend and the man I love away from me. Then she took my mother and even my own sister. She's the daughter Mom has always wanted me to be. I know Charity has had some hard times and I didn't exactly help but she has taken everything I ever loved or wanted. I wanted a car but Mom spent the money on her. I wanted my own room but she got it, it sounds selfish and petty but it's how I feel.
The one thing I wanted more than anything else was Miguel and she took him away too. I have had to stand here for a year and half and watch them kiss, declare their love, go out on dates, be Prom Queen and King and even watch them get engaged before my eyes while I stand in the background with a broken heart. I just can't take it any more. And now they all know what I've done. Anyway I've decided to go to California, I already bought a bus ticket and I should be there in a few days please don't look for me. I know to you it may seem like I'm leaving for stupid reasons but you don't know how I feel and how much it hurts. Dad, you are the only one who loves me anymore, you treat me and Charity equally. I want you to know I love you and I'll keep in touch.
Kay
She also left one for Miguel and it was easier than she would have thought possible bur they had been words she'd been thinking up in her head for years, because it was how she felt so she just wrote down everything she'd been aching to say her whole life.
Miguel,
If you have this it means that you know I'm gone. I wonder how long it took for some one to realize I wasn't around? I guess it doesn't matter because after a couple weeks you'll forget all about me, you will probably be relieved that I'm not there to sabotage you and Charity anymore. There is one thing I want you to know before you read any further. I love you, and I have loved you for as long as I can remember. We've done everything together, we went to the zoo for the first time together, played softball together, learned how to write and tie our shoes together, and we were even each others first kiss even though we were only kids. It was always Kay and Miguel or Miguel and Kay. Our names were always connected… we were always connected. I always wanted to be with you, you were perfect to me. You were sweet, considerate and you always looked out for me. You have no idea how it feels to have one person come and take all of that away.
When Charity came to town I thought I could handle it because she was just a girl from out of town that you had a crush on but when I found out she was my cousin I felt even worse. I wonder a lot that if I would have been in the burning house with Charity and you could have only saved one of us who would you have saved; I think it would be her. I'm not a part of your life anymore, not a big part anyway. You say I'm your best friend but I don't think I am anymore. All you do is talk about Charity, she's the only thing in your life, you see her everyday and you are hardly ever at home and you never hang out with just me. I know you love her but did you ever think about how all of this makes me feel? When you want to do something you always ask Charity to do it with you, it's like you forgot I even exist.
Since you and everyone else read my diary you know I have been trying to break you and Charity up since the beginning and I've done some really horrible things to her. Please tell her that I'm sorry.
There are three things I would like to tell you about, that I would like you to know. First off during the avalanche that we had last year, I was worried about you, I was more than worried. When I found out you were out there with Charity I left the Ski lodge when everyone told me it was too dangerous and that you could even be dead. I was freezing and scared but I had to make sure you were alright. I found you and Charity together and I thought you were dead. I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again but I did only a few minutes later. I told you that I loved you and you woke up and said someone's love had brought you back but you meant Charity. Hearing you say that made me feel that same pain but it was some how worse and then today when you looked at me I felt that same pain again and it was almost unbearable.
Then there was the prom… I was scared you were going to die when you went off in that boat for Charity and left me behind. I was scared and I wanted you there with me but you just left, I know if you had to die you would want to die with Charity. But I was scared to death when the boat was rocking and the lights were going out and you weren't there to help me. You left me and I felt abandoned. And last but not least there was the mine shaft. I can still feel your lips on mine when we kissed and I know everything was real, nothing can convince me it wasn't. You said that if Charity hadn't come along then we would be together. How do you think that made me feel? I wanted her to die. One person had ruined my whole future.
I just can't stand by and watch you get married and make a family with her. I'd end up standing in the back of the church watching her walk down the aisle and promise to love and be with you forever, when in my heart I would wish it was me. I would then do something stupid to get back at her for taking you. I would saw the heel of her shoe so she'd trip as she walked down the aisle off or steal her wedding dress or pour paint on her minutes before the ceremony started but that probably wouldn't stop you. So then I would have to watch as you had children. I know you would make a good father and I would have to watch as you play with your children when the whole time I would be wishing they were our children and I'd end up resenting them for being Charity's. Everyday I would have to watch you celebrate your love and I just can't handle it. I've done some drastic things that I'm not proud of because I didn't want to watch you and Charity together while I torture myself wishing it was me that you loved. I just need to forget about you and start over and maybe I can change. Thinking of you, being around you, just hurts too much, my jealousy toward Charity makes me a bad person inside and it makes me feel horrible. I'm going to find a place where I belong and I hope you'll respect that and leave me alone.
Love, Kay
Kayla wiped her eyes as she remembered, that was the last time she had seen her sister, cousin, or her mother. She laughed cynically at the tears that fell from her eyes. It had all been a lesson she had needed to learn, and she had learned from it and that was all that mattered but she couldn't keep a huge wave of shame from washing over her at the thought of the person she used to be and the things that she had done.
She walked into the kitchen and going over to the refrigerator she stopped. Hanging on the refrigerator was a picture of a very handsome young man with dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. Kay smiled, she couldn't help but smile or cry when she looked at that picture, it just depended on her day. She pulled out a bottle of water and gently touched the picture with tears in her eyes. She went into the living room and sat on the comfortable sofa. She took the blanket at the end of the sofa and pulled it over herself. She then took a drink of her water and laid back thinking about the first time she had met him, everyday for the last twelve years she had thought about him, he was still as much a part of her life as if he was right there with her, but he wasn't.