Take me home
A/N: I wasn't going to write this story, but somehow I ended exactly where I didn't want to end. I also didn't intend to it being this dark and angsty, but I seem to develop a thing for messed relationships. By the way, this is my first fanfic for the NCIS sector so let me know what you think. I'm also not a native speaker so forgive me some grammar mistakes. I hope you enjoy reading :)
A/N 2.0.: Originally this was a songfic, but than I received a mail in which I was told to cut the lyrics out of my story, because I have no legal permission so that't what I did. Nevertheless the fan fiction is based on the song 'Take me home' by Jess Glynn, so just use your imagination to fill the gaps between the texts with the lyrics. Have fun:)
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Doktor Donald Mallard died on a cold Thursday in January. It had been snowing since the beginning of the week and the big white flakes only added to the cheerful mood that was still full of Christmas spirits. It seemed as if the criminals had excused themselves and where off for the holidays which led to the whole team spending lazy lunch breaks in the bullpen. Without active cases they had little to do and spent their time together with eating takeout and chatting about the newest gossip at NCIS. Even Gibbs joined them from time to time when he got extremely bored and wasn't off to get coffee. Eventually even the fights between the boss and their fearless director slowed down - to the delight of everyone, but especially Abby. All in all it had been a pretty good week so far. Years later, after the pain had finally subsided they would ask themselves if it had been karma that such a peaceful week had ended in such a horrible way.
It was around noon when Jimmy Palmer walked into the bullpen, head bowed, with tears forming in his eyes and the doctors favorite bow tie in his hands. Ziva, Tim, Tony and Abby were delighted that the autopsy gremlin finally joined their little get-together, but Gibbs knew something was wrong the moment the young man stepped into the bullpen. His gut which had bothered him all morning acted up once again and that was when he knew that the peace was out the window. The team stopped bickering the moment they noticed the heavy mood coming from their friend and co-worker. The silence that followed was unbearable and everyone knew in an instant that something had happened. After it became clear that no one would say the inevitable, Gibbs spoke up. "Who is it, Jimmy?" Finally the young men looked up and suddenly there was no doubt about who exactly was the reason for his behavior, but not one of them was prepared to hear what he had to say. "It's Doktor Mallard. He suffered a heart attack last night. His mother noticed when he didn't wake up this morning."
And then everything happened in slow motion. Abby's knees buckled and she fell to the ground landing on her hands and knees, sobbing franticly. Tim who was as white as a wall kneeled beside her, taking her in his arms and rocking her back and forth. Tony's eyes went wide and then he closed them tightly, suppressing the urge to join Abby in her sobs. Ziva didn't move. Her jaw was clenched, her eyes were open as wide as possible, starring into distance. A lone tear rolled over her cheek. Later Gibbs realized it was the first time he had seen Ziva cry. He himself felt nothing. The pain that came with losing someone close hit his body hard and only left a hollow shell. He had experienced a great deal of loss in his life, but every time it happened again it stung like the first time. But he had to suck it up for his team. They needed him now to guide them trough the time of sorrow.
After nearly two hours he had sorted everything out. He had questioned Palmer to what exactly had happened and then he had calmed Abby down so she could form normal sentences again. He had hugged Ziva quickly and she hadn't protested and a look at Tim and Tony had been enough to tell them that they had to get the girls out of NCIS. He was about to follow them to the elevator when his gaze caught a swirl of red coming from MTAC and heading into the directors office. Tony noticed his look and nodded, telling his boss he had everything under control. Even if he still couldn't stand being anywhere near Jenny Sheppard she still deserved to know. She was or had been a part of their family as well and Gibbs was probably the best person to tell her. Gibbs nodded courtly in respond, turned around and jogged up the stairs to the second floor of the bullpen. He didn't even bother to acknowledge Cynthia or knock on the door - after all he never did. But it wasn't just an ordinary day and it wasn't just an ordinary message he had to deliver to her. So after he stormed into her office he carefully shut the door instead of slamming it shut. But nevertheless the director was pissed. So pissed off in fact that she stood up sending her chair backwards and in that progress slamming it into one of the bookshelves. She started throwing a tirade about manners and her being his boss and she went on and on before she realized that he hadn't said anything yet. And then she noticed the hollow look in his eyes, his unusual pale face and his slightly shaky hands. All of this triggered something in her and before she knew it she stood in front of him, looking him dead in the eye and asking the question he had only hours before. "Who is it?" He held her gaze as he answered and as soon as the name left his lips he could see the pain in her eyes. The same pain he felt, the pain only the people who had experienced loss before could feel. He knew what or better who she had lost. He knew she had grieved deeply, but what he saw now shocked him. She wasn't crying, or sobbing, or screaming. She gasped at his response than closed he eyes for a second. When she opened them again the look of pain was gone. She nodded and then calmly asked him to leave her office and to support his team. For a good minute he just stared at her until she repeated her request and his shock turned into anger. "You really are a cold-hearted bitch madame di-rec-tor." And with that he left her office.
Jenny barely managed to keep her act together until her office door was tightly shut. She let herself fall to ground hugging her knees. Her breathing was uneven and she started hyperventilating, but she didn't shed a tear. She didn't know why, but the tears just wouldn't come. Jenny half laid half set on her office floor trying to stop her body from shivering and controlling her breathing. Ducky had been like a father to her. He had been the only person she could come to with her problems and the only one who had knowledge about her past with Gibbs. She felt anger, love and confusion at the same time. Anger about his sudden death. Love for everything he had been to her and confusion about why it had happened. But she also felt guilt, because lately her relation with the team, Jethro and especially Ducky had been far from good. The frog had brought out the worst in her and in the process of getting to him she had walzt all over her family, not looking back. Since then they didn't talk to her anymore and Jenny couldn't even be mad at them. She had been a total bitch and she knew it, but she also was to proud to admit that to the others. Ducky had been disappointed with her and that was far worse than him being angry at her. She had hurt her and also his family and that was something he couldn't forgive her. It hurt even more knowing he had left this world with hard feelings about her.
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More than ever she wished she had someone by her side. Someone who would support her, someone she could rely on. And deep down she knew that no one was able to fulfill that need, beside Jethro. But he and the rest of the team hated her. And even if it hurt, she was still okay with it, because they could direct their anger about Ducky's death at someone. And it obviously made them feel better, so she didn't protest, but every time she got a nasty look or a cruel comment her heart broke just a little more. So at his funeral she stood alone offside. Watching her former family mourn over their grandfather and mourning herself, not just over the loss of a father figure, but over the loss of her whole family. But she didn't deserve better, or at least that's what she told herself over and over again.
When she finally stepped near the grave and in front of all the people who not only knew but loved Ducky she felt small. She of all people had been chosen to hold the funeral oration, because she had not only been his boss, but his friend for a long time. Anyway it still didn't feel right. Jenny felt like she didn't deserve to talk about a men so great and so wise and with such a big heart when she was everything but. Nevertheless she now stood next to his grave. Seeking comfort from her perfectly fitting clothes, feeling a little more confident in her 6 inch heels. But looking in the faces of the people she loved most she realized that nothing she would say would make them feel any different. "Doktor Donald Mallard was an outstanding person. Not only because of his big heart, but because of his attitude towards everyone he met. He didn't judge people by their look or their reputation. He gave everyone the chance to prove themselves and that alone made him a better person than every one I know. Saying he left this world far too early might be a cliché, but it's still the truth. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we weren't prepared to let him go just yet, but Ducky believed that everyone had his place in the world and I strongly believe that he wouldn't want us to grieve for him for too long. I'm not going to go on forever with this speech, simply because Ducky was far better with words than I could ever be, so there's just one more thing to say: Ducky was not only a great lover of history, but of poetry as well. I'll never forget the day he came to me and found me desperately trying to hold everything together, to stay at the top of my game. I think he quoted Tennyson. 'We are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven. That which we are, we are. One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate. But strong in will, to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield.' The importance of that quote never really occurred to me until now. I realized that he wanted to tell me change isn't always a bad thing and that after we survive the odds we'll be stronger than before." She finished and stepped away, walking straight to her town car, not wanting to be anywhere near the team when they said their last goodbyes, because then, of that she was sure, there was nothing that would hold her back from storming into his arms. And she wasn't ready for his rejection just yet.
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She had lost control and she knew it. She had lost her temper in front of the whole agency and frankly she didn't care. She stopped caring about a lot of things since Ducky's death. Slapping Tobias Fornell in the middle of the bullpen hadn't been her best move. But damn, she didn't regret it. She didn't regret any of her sudden moves in the last few weeks, because it was the only way she could still feel something. Gibbs had noticed. He noticed a lot of things about her lately. An if he was honest, it worried him. Jenny was out of control. Even he didn't dare starting a fight with her anymore. He took two steps at a time on his way to her office. Gibbs was determined to get behind the reasons of her mood swings and her utterly unnormal behavior.
There was a lot he could imagine, but nothing of that came near to what he saw when he entered her office. She had destroyed everything. Chairs lay upside down, papers covered the whole floor and there was a Bourbon stain on the wall. And in that mess stood Jenny Sheppard. Her breathing was fast and uncontrolled and her eyes wide with terror. "Jen, what the hell?" He quickly stepped into the office and closed the door behind him, the last thing they needed was that one of the other agents got the final prove that their director was going crazy. As slowly as possible he walked over to her. He knew what a panic attack looked like and he didn't want to stress her even more. Just when he was about to touch her left shoulder she spun around and taking three steps backwards against the wall. "You can't touch me!" To say he was surprised with her suddenly being so alerted was an understatement. "Okay, I won't touch you. Just tell me what's going on." He held his hands so she could see them and stepped back a little, but Jenny was zoning out again and starring into distance. Then - suddenly- she snapped out of her trance and walked over to her desk, took her weapon and bandage and closed the drawer again. As she walked back over to Gibbs she took the keys for all the doors in the building out of her pocket and handed them to him. Gibbs just looked at her confused. "You are in charge now", she stated. "What?" In any other situation Jenny might have laughed at the face he pulled, but not today. "I'm leaving the building and you are in charge." And with that she was out of the office and in the elevator. She needed to get out of here and fast.
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When he entered the bar he spotted her in an instant. He would recognize these flaming red locks everywhere. She wore a tight little black number that barley reached mid-tight and which covered only half of her breasts. He didn't need to look her in the eye to know that she was drunk. So drunk in fact that she had crossed her arms on the countertop and had laid her head on top of them, while at least three men where surrounding her and touching her in places that were more than inappropriate. He quickly walked over to her and shoved the guys away. After that he tried to get Jenny's attention, but she was barely awake. "Jenny, come on, let's leave. Jen, get up now!" When she lifted her head and looked into his eyes he definitely knew she was in trouble.
Gibbs turned to the bartender who had called him twenty minutes ago, saying that a very drunk woman had to be picked up. The bar was relatively far away from the city. She had chosen it wisely, probably knowing that there wouldn't be many people that could recognize her. "From whom did you get my number." Obviously not from Jenny considering the state she was in. "Speed dial on her phone. You were second through." Gibbs knitted his brows. "Who's one?" The bartender shrugged. "A guy named Ducky. Records said she called his phone a lot during the last weeks so I thought he might be her husband or something, but he didn't answer." Gibbs sighed. No wonder Jenny had drunk herself into oblivion. He kneeled down beside her and put her arm around his shoulder and his arm around her hip. Lifting her to a standing position was a lot harder than he had thought, but he managed somehow. Before he left the bar he turned around again. "What did she drink?" Jenny just didn't smell like she had drunk any bourbon. "Tequila, neat." Gibbs sighed again and left the bar.
After he got her situated on the passenger seat he shut the door quietly and walked around to the drivers site. When he started the engine she woke up again. She looked at him for a long time before she spoke. "Take me home?" Her eyes held something he couldn't quite place, but he nodded anyway and with that Jenny went right back to sleep. 15 minutes later they arrived at her Georgetown house. Gibbs shook her gently, but when she opened her eyes and looked out of the window she looked confused. "Where are we?" Gibbs narrowed his eyes at her. "At your house." She nodded courtly and started an attempt to get out of the car herself, but failed miserably. She sunk back into the leather seat and Gibbs could have sworn that tears were glittering in her eyes. But then she took a deep breath and the tears were gone so he got out of the car and helped her out, into the house and to her bedroom. Jenny mumbled something that could have been a 'Thank you' and closed the bedroom door behind her. As he walked down the wooden stair he heard her throwing things against the wall and for a moment he considered walking back, but he didn't, not because he didn't care, they just didn't have that kind of relationship anymore.
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It was three days after the encounter in the bar that he found her with a gun in her hands in her office. And that was the final straw. He was definitely worried now. But when he confronted her she denied everything. Gibbs was amazed how fast she could replace the hollow look her eyes held with the steel-like director glare.
From this point on he was more careful than ever. He lectured his team about the deathly glares they used to give Jenny and he asked Abby to not lock the lab every time the director took the elevator to the ground level. He also spoke to her security and asked them to be a little more discreet. Finally he bought a coffee for Cynthia and asked her as nicely as he could muster to keep an eye on the director and tell him if anything was out of the ordinary. All that helped, but he still couldn't break through her walls and that made him angry. Angry at himself for pushing her to far this time. She had built her walls up higher than ever and even he couldn't climb them anymore. All her doors were closed now and the old Jenny who had came out once or twice a week was gone, tightly shut away. There was nothing he could do, even if he had wanted to.
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She got over the self-destruction level - that was good. But no one was prepared for what came after that. Even DiNozzo had realized that there was something off with the director, because when she made it to the front page the first time he didn't start a pool on the directors love-life, he didn't even consider it. After that first article there followed several more. At the beginning once a week, but with time she made it four times a week to the front page of different newspapers. The reporters captured her in several different places: at lunch, at a function, at one of theses stupid balls, in front of her house. And every time a picture of her was printed in the newspaper she was accompanied by a man. That in itself wasn't that big of shock. The director was an attractive woman and considering her high status there were many high ranking men who had wanted to give it a try. Shocking was that with every picture the man who accompanied her changed. And after only four weeks Jenny Sheppard had gained a reputation no woman wished for.
The worst thing was she didn't even try to be discreet. She didn't bother hiding the hickeys on her throat or the bite marks covering her jaw. Honestly, the opposite was the case. She dressed more revealing than she had in her four years as director. Her clothes were still appropriate, but much shorter and more low cut than before. Once or twice a lover would pick her up from work and that made Leroy Jethro Gibbs furious. He truly wanted to see her happy so if she had found a decent guy he would have been happy for her - at least that's what he told himself. But seeing her just screwing around with the first guy that comes to sight made it hard for him to keep his thoughts to himself. But he did, he sucked it up 'cause it still wasn't any of his business. That - by far - didn't mean it didn't hurt. It hurt like hell seeing Jenny waste herself down to the bone.
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"The director is gone." Gibbs looked taken aback. "What do you mean 'The director is gone', McGee?" Tim McGee looked rather uncomfortable standing in front of his boss, delivering the news that would make him - with no doubt - furious once again. "Her security called, Boss. They said she ditched them around eleven and they haven't been able to find her since. Normally she returns after three hours max, but she is gone for nearly 6 hours now and they're starting to worry." Gibbs sighed, burying his face in his hands. He should have listened to his gut. Earlier this morning SecNav had been at the headquarters. He and Jenny had an argument, scratch that, a shouting match about her not-so-discreet love-life and how she made it to every front-page in D.C. They had been securely locked into her office, but the shouting had been so loud even Abby was able to understand every word down in her lab. It had ended with Jenny storming out of her office, slamming the door in the process and leaving the building as fast as she could on her impossible high-heels. Until now she hadn't returned.
"Okay, we are keeping this low-key as long as there is no potential threat. McGee, DiNozzo, you two are talking to her security. Find out where they lost her and start trying to locate her via GPS. Ziva, go down and take Abby with you. You two are going to look at places you would go to to hide. I'm going to check every place that I remember her talking about." The team fell silent, just looking at their boss. They were still pissed at Jenny and weren't in the mood to walk out into the cold April-rain to look for her. She had completely closed herself off after Ducky's death and that had even made Abby mad at her. "Go", growled Gibbs and the team was up and in the elevator in less than three seconds. They knew Gibbs cared about Jenny, but they hadn't been prepared for such worry.
2 hours later and they still had nothing. Jenny had left no traces and she was nowhere to be found. Gibbs had already retreated back to the office to help Tim and Tony, but Abby and Ziva were still out in the rain. "Abby, let's go back to the headquarters. We are not going to find her. She doesn't want to be found." Abby nodded slowly. "I know, but I feel guilty. We have been so rude to her in the last months. Even more after Ducky's death. What if she is hurting too? She has nobody to comfort her." Ziva sighed and shook her head. "But that's what she wants. She pushed all of us away and she used us for her own little games. She hurt Tony badly. And she did hurt Gibbs, remember his look when he came back from telling her about Ducky. Whatever she did, it got under his skin." Abby was on the verge of tears. "Ziva, I know that. But maybe she is sorry… and we didn't even give her the chance to apologize. She still is part of the family." Ziva shook her head again. "She is not." And with that she started walking away. „"Ziva, stop. One more place. I promise you that we are going back to headquarters after that." Ziva turned around again and looked into Abby's puppy eyes. She sighed. "Okay, where do you think she would go?"
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"Abby are you serious?" Abby hadn't told her where she thought Jenny might hide, but when they arrived at the cemetery Ziva started to realize what Abby was up to. The bubbly Goth would be disappointed to realize that Jenny didn't care half as much as she thought. They walked silently in-between the gravestones to the back of the cemetery. "Abby she isn't here, let's go." But Abby didn't even realize Ziva had said something, because she focused on the newest gravestone at the back of the yard. "Oh my god." Abby buried her face in her hands, trying to keep the tears at bay. The redhead in question was laying next to the gravestone, curled together in a ball. Her hair and clothes were completely wet and her whole body was trembling. Slowly the girls approached her. Abby kneeled next to her, pushing some lost strands out of the way so she could see Jennys face better. "Director. Are you okay?" That alone would have earned her a snappy comment, but not today. Jenny looked at her with dark, empty eyes, her mouth in a tight line. "Abby can you please just leave me here and go home." It didn't sound cruel or angry or pissed. It just sounded exhausted. Abby nodded and stood up and in that progress fishing her mobile out of her coat. "What are you doing?" Ziva was whispering for Jenny's sake, obviously ashamed she had talked so bad about her boss and former partner. "Calling our silver-haired fox. He's the only one who can handle her now."
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10 minutes later Gibbs arrived at the cemetery. He crossed the yard with fast steps until he came to a stop next to Abby and Ziva. "What is it? You got a trace?" Abby shook her head and than Ziva pointed at Ducky's grave. "She didn't want to get up. I think she is in some kind of shock." Gibbs nodded, dismissed the girls and than walked over to where Jenny was laying on the ground. He didn't have to think twice before he lay down next to her, his face only millimeters away from hers. He pulled some strands of hair behind her ear and waited patiently until she opened her eyes again. Immediately he was sorry for what he had put her through the last weeks. "What's wrong Jen?" The use of her nickname made her features softer, but her eyes were still cold as stone. "I can't feel anything." Gibbs knitted his brows confused. "What?" Jenny sounded more desperate than she had planed when she answered, but considering Jethro and her where lying on top of Ducky's grave in the rain there wasn't any of her strong facade left. "I haven't cried. You told me he died and my heart felt like it broke into million peaces, but the tears just didn't come. I can't let my emotions out Jethro. They are locked so deep down I can't get to them anymore. I just want it to stop hurting."
She started shaking again, but as Gibbs was about to take her in his arms she moved away. "No touching. You of all people can't touch me, please it will just make things worse and I… I can't…" Every part of her body shook and her eyes were wide with fear and that triggered something in Gibbs. Later he couldn't quite put his finger on it, but his protective senses had kicked in and he wrapped her in a hug. A relieve flooded Jennys body and the moment her arms where wrapped around his neck her walls crumbled. First she just shed a few tears, but the stream got heavier with every passing second and it wasn't long before she sobbed into his shirt. He had pulled her into his lap, leaning against the gravestone and rocking her gently back and forth. "I miss him so much", she mumbled between sobs. Gibbs just kept stroking her hair and holding her. "I know Jen, me too."
A long silence followed until he spoke again. "I'm sorry Jen." That was when she looked up at him. Her hair was curling in wet strands around her face, her mascara was smeared and her eyes red and puffy, but he still looked at her like he had in Paris. "Don't apol…" She had wanted to say something light, to take the heavy edge of of the situation, but he had stopped her with his lips on hers. There was nothing urgent about the kiss. It was tender and loving and in a weird way comforting. When they pulled apart she gently stroke his cheek. "I'm sorry too." But Gibbs just shook his head. „Nothing to be sorry about Jen."
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They stayed at the cemetery for quite a while. They just sat there on their best friends grave, his arms protectively wrapped around her, her head on his shoulder. He let her cry in his chest as long as she felt like it, hoping she let go of all the hard feelings. Occasionally he kissed the top of her head to sooth her if her sobs got heavier again. Some time later the rain stopped and with that Jenny's tears stopped falling as well. "Jethro?" His head was still buried in her hair when he answered. "Mhhh…" Jenny turned her head so she could look him in the eyes. "Take me home?" He nodded and got on his knees again. Jenny tried to stand up as well, but her knees buckled as the result of spending a good 7 hours in the cold rain. She didn't protest when Gibbs swept her up bridal style and carried her to his car. She buried her face into his chest and inhaled his soothing scent. Once she was in the warm car she fell asleep. Anyway, Gibbs kept an eye on her the whole way. When they arrived he walked around the car and swept her up again. She woke up when he opened his front door. Jenny looked around and smiled at him tiredly. "Thank you for taking me home."