I Don't Like Who I've Become

I kept my mouth shut for too long
All this time you got me wrong
Now we're in this way too far
I'm about to break your heart
Tear everything we had apart
-Mouth Shut by The Veronicas

"C'mon, you crazy beast," I muttered to one of the dogs I was walking, nudging him with my foot as he continued sniffing the grass as the other dogs tugged on me. "This is as good a place as any to take a dump, so just do it." I stared at him as he continued taking his merry time and then rolled my eyes in annoyance. "C'mon, bud. I have things to do." As another dog began whining and tugging on me, I glared over at him and tugged on the leash. "Oh shush, you. Talk to this wise guy if you have a problem with our pace." I paused, though, when he continued whining and tugging on the leash. This dog was generally mild-natured; it was odd for him to act up. I followed his snout curiously, startled to see a girl sleeping on a park bench, hugging a plush rabbit. It was deep into fall, and the sun had set nearly an hour ago. What in the world was she doing? I trudged over to her, dragging the argumentative dogs with me, and leaned over her, prodding her gently. Her eyes squeezed tighter shut in response. Concerned, I placed a hand on her forehead. She was burning up. I shook her should and said, "Hey, wake up. This isn't a safe place to sleep."

Her scream ripped through the air, and, before I knew it, I had fallen back on the ground, and she had scrambled to her feet. I looked up to her in alarm, and her eyes sparkled with wild panic as the dogs whose leashes I clung desperately to began howling and snapping at her. As I struggled to calm them, I heard her call out, "I didn't do anything!"

"Calm down," I told both her and the animals. I looked away from them as I shortened the leashes and made eye contact with the petrified girl. "I know you didn't do anything. I'm sorry. I didn't expect them to make so much noise."

She froze for a moment and then studied me warily. I resisted a scowl, recalling her fever, but, really, what was her problem? Then, slowly, she asked, "Who are you, and how do I know you?"

I barked a laugh at that, unable to resist. "I don't know you, obviously. What, do you recognize me or something?"

She paused to deliberate before venturing, "I don't remember."

I stared at her for a moment as I tightened my hold on the only dog that still growled. "Well, alright then. What are you doing, sleeping on a park bench? That's not good for you health, you know."

She stared at me for a moment in return before telling me, "I don't remember."

I rolled my eyes at this. So she was that kind of person, huh? I seriously thought those only existed in fiction. "Well, you should head home," I advised her, turning away to continue my walk. "See ya."

I didn't get far before I felt her hand on my wrist. "Wait!" I paused in response and looked at her over my shoulder, trying not to be too impatient, but I really had to get these dogs back to their owners before the convenience shops closed or I wouldn't have any food for lunch tomorrow. She was looking at me so defenselessly, though, that I felt heat run to my cheeks. I wanted to look away to make sure she didn't notice in case she was one of those people that would get freaked out by my preferences, but her eyes kept me captivated. She looked away, embarrassed, and said, "I really don't remember."

I cocked my head to the side, trying to cool my cheeks, and gazed at her. "Okay. It's fine that you don't remember. No skin off my back." I prepared to walk again, but she tightened her grip, so I had no choice but to look back at her again.

"I mean," she murmured, looking up at me through her eyelashes in a way that made my heart race, "I really don't remember. Anything. I don't know where I am, who I am, anything."

I didn't believe her for a minute, so I simply said, "The police station is at the end of this street. They can help you out." She was probably trying to run away from home, but she hadn't thought her plans through. I almost rolled my eyes at her childish behaviour. She was cute, but there wasn't much I could do to help her. I wasn't in the mood to save the little runaway, middle-class girl.

She seemed to catch my mood and released me, smiling worriedly. "Oh, I see. Thank you. I'll go talk to them."

"No problem," I replied, beginning to walk once more. I could feel her watching me, but I knew I couldn't look back. I'd give in if I saw her sad face. I was lonely, after all. I'd moved out of the prefecture for high school, so I lived alone. I shook my head, knowing what would happen if I continued down this train of thought. I couldn't take in a stray, even if she was cute.

. . .

I didn't turn back until I reached my front door, plastic grocery bags swinging from my arm and key already in the lock. I stared at the girl, who smiled tentatively, having followed me from the park and having caused weird looks from the owners of all the dogs I'd returned with her in pursuit. I scowled at her, and she just gave me that cautious smile.

"I can't help you," I told her.

"I don't know what else to do," she replied.

"Go to the police."

"I don't trust them."

"You shouldn't trust me, either. I'm a stranger; they're enforcers of the law."

"I feel like I can trust you."

"You don't even know my name."

"Imprinting, I guess?"

I stared at the weakened girl for a moment longer before sighing and looking her straight in the eyes. "I'm a lesbian," I warned her.

She smiled brighter for me now, seeing that my resolve was gone. "So am I."

I snorted at this comment and opened to door, listening to her footsteps as she followed me in. "You remember that, but you don't remember your name?"

I kicked off my shoes and stuffed my feet into slippers, tossing the girl my only extra pair. As she slipped out of her shoes and into the slippers, she told me, "I remember my name. It's Mayu."

I dropped the bag on the little table of the studio apartment and returned, "Galaco."

Mayu smiled, infuriatingly adorable, and replied, "Nice to meet you, Galaco. Please treat me kindly in our time together."

I glanced at her as I began separating the clean and dirty clothes that littered my bed and replied, "I don't think you've given me much of a choice." I abandoned that task as a separate thought came to mind and made my way over to my small bathroom, beginning to fill the tub with hot water. I called out to her, "Grab some pyjamas from the pile on my bed and take a rice ball, but that's all I can give you."

"Thank you," Mayu called back. I wondered what she was doing as I watched the tub fill. I sighed, unable to believe what I was doing. What if this girl stole everything of worth I had overnight? Well, it would be a lesson for me, at least.

As I remembered something, I wondered, "Are you feeling alright, Mayu? You had a fever earlier."

"I'm fine, but thank you for your concern."

I frowned and stared at the tub in silence as it filled the rest of the way. It was pretty small, so it didn't take long to reach the top. I exited the bathroom then and told Mayu, who sat on my bed and gazed at the carpet in deep though, "You can go first."

Mayu jumped in shock at my voice, but then she looked to me and smiled. "Thank you, Galaco," she said, standing up and making her way over to me. I was expecting her to pass me, but she didn't. At least, not immediately. I froze stiff as she lifted herself up and pressed her lips against mine for a moment, drawing just a bit away to murmur, "Really," before drawing away completely and narrowing her eyes seductively at me. Without a single word of explanation, she made her way past me and closed the bathroom door to take her bath.

. . .

"Damn, Galaco, where did you find a girl like that?" Gumi asked me, whistling to add emphasis as she followed Mayu with her eyes. I scowled at her, glancing to Mayu as my girlfriend searched through racks of clothing a little ways away with Iroha, a girl Gumi had recently met. "Here you were pouting about not being able to find any cute girls. Why didn't you tell me about her sooner?"

I shrugged in response and continued shuffling through the rack Gumi and I were searching. "I didn't think she'd stick around for so long. I also didn't think anything would actually come out of it." That much was true. Mayu and I had been living together for nearly five months now, and there was no sign of her memories returning. She still had no idea who she was, why she was here, or where her home was. However, the real reason I hadn't told Gumi was because Iroha was her sixth target since I'd met Mayu. Seeing the sweet new girl look over shyly to us and then quickly return her gaze elsewhere made me feel bad for Gumi's victim. Gumi and I had had a thing once, for about two weeks. That was long for Gumi. "Besides, you have Iroha, don't you?"

Gumi grinned wolfishly and remarked, "I think Mayu and Iroha should both join me for a great night at your place."

I hit her lightly on the head and said, "You're not doing it in my apartment anymore, especially not with my girlfriend."

Gumi stuck her tongue out at me and laughed. "Shrewd." Then, she smirked and leaned closer to me, asking, "So, what's she like, anyway? She's got the whole little-kid thing going with that outfit and stuff, so does she like—"

"We haven't slept together," I interrupted, glaring sharply at Gumi. "It's not all about sex, you know."

Gumi stared at me, trying to judge whether or not I was serious, and then sighed when she saw the sincerity. "And that's why it didn't work out between us, cherry girl," she informed me, unimpressed. I flinched and flushed bright red in indignation. What did she know?

"Galaco, what do you think?" Mayu wondered, grabbing my attention as she showed off a dress she'd lifted off the rack. It was a tight-fitting black dress, more fit for classy occasions than casual wear. She smiled at me, awaiting my approval, and I hated to disappoint her.

"That's a bit out of our price range, love," I informed her.

She flinched and turned quickly, stuffing it back onto the rack. "Right, yeah. Okay."

I frowned. Had she really liked that dress so much? I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't have even close to enough money for that dress. I brushed past Gumi to make my way to Mayu and tried to kiss her to apologize, but she jerked away and hurried to another rack. I flinched at her rejection, hurt. I'd forgotten. Mayu didn't like to kiss, especially in public. I looked down, avoiding Gumi's knowing look and Iroha's sympathetic one. Did Mayu even love me? I'd fallen in love with her, but, despite her words, I felt that the feeling wasn't mutual.

. . .

"I'm leaving."

The answer came only days later as Mayu's words hit me all at once, and I looked at her in alarm. Her eyes weren't on me, though. They were on the floor, and she wouldn't look at me even after I questioned, "What?" After a moment, I asked hesitantly, "Have your memories come back? I can take you home, then." Was that what she'd meant? She wasn't leaving me, was she? Just my home.

She shook her head slowly, and I couldn't help myself. I stepped quickly toward her and grabbed her wrist violently, questioning, "What's going on, Mayu?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't want it to go this far. I didn't mean it."

I pulled roughly on her, alarmed by the rage running through me. I lost control of myself and snapped, "What the hell are you talking about? Talk to me, Mayu! What's going on?"

Her screamed words made my blood run cold as they echoed through the apartment. "I lied!"

Those words kept coming back to me. I didn't understand. She lied? About what? About her memories? About her feelings for me? About everything? "What?" I slowly questioned, my grip on her tightening.

"Let me go," she whispered, a hint of menace surfacing.

I held on tighter, tears springing to my eyes. "I won't let you go, Mayu."

"Let go," she repeated, her voice turning slowly darker.

"I won't! I love you, Mayu."

"Let me go!" she screeched, attempting to rip her wrist from my grip, but I held tightly onto her. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!"

"What the hell, Mayu?" I snapped, wrestling desperately to maintain control on her as she began trashing wildly. "Tell me what the hell's going on!"

"I lied!" she screamed at me, fighting for her life to free herself from me. "Now let me go, or I'll kill you!"

"That's not funny, Mayu!" I snapped, pissed off by the idiotic threat. "What did you lie about?"

"Everything!" she told me. "Everything was a lie!"

"Like what?" I snapped, glaring viciously at her. I could feel anger tears rolling down my cheeks, and my heart had braced itself to keep the pieces from breaking any further than they already had in anticipation for her words.

"I'm not a lesbian! I don't love you that way! I never forgot anything! I was running away! I ran because I killed him, and I'll kill you, too, if you don't goddamn let me go!"

I couldn't stop myself. I slammed her back against the table and pinned her arms down, forcing her mad animal eyes to stare directly at me. They were filled with horrible hate, but I knew mine were, too. "Say that again!" I snapped. "So none of this meant anything to you? I love you, Mayu!"

"I never loved you, Galaco, not like that!" she insisted, looking genuinely upset to have to tell me, but her hatred was more powerful. "I loved him, but he's dead! He didn't love me back, and I lost control! I killed him, Galaco, and I'll kill you too if I don't get away from here! Pretending to love you is driving me crazy!"

"What the hell, Mayu? This doesn't make any sense!" I snapped, slamming her harder against the table. She winced at the harsh pain, but I didn't care. How could she say such crazy things and not expect me to get angry?

"It was in the newspaper the day you found me," she hissed, glaring viciously at me as I held her down mercilessly. "That boy that was found dead was him. I killed him because he didn't love me." She was crying now, but her face was contorted in rage, not grief. "I didn't mean to kill him, but I lost control of myself. Right now, Galaco, I feel exactly what I did with him, and I love you too much to let myself do that again. You'll always be a great friend to me, Galaco, so let me go before I end up doing something stupid!"

Friend. I was her friend? I loved her. Harshly, roughly, I kissed her. She struggled to keep away from me, but I refused to accept her denial of my feelings. She bit down sharply on my tongue, but I wouldn't withdraw, even when I started tasting blood. Finally, she managed to screech, "Galaco!" and I pulled myself back, unable to believe any of this. I glared at her, and she glared back. I had released her in my haste, and panic drew me to grab a pair of scissors out of my open pencil case. Mayu had moved beside the kitchen and held a steak knife in her hand. We stood there, panting, staring at each other in silence until she slowly explained herself, eyeing me carefully as she did.

"I ran away when I saw what I'd done, and then you found me." I didn't want to listen to her. "I thought pretending to be a lesbian would be the only way to get you to keep me around." I wished she'd shut up. "I really do care for you as a friend, Galaco, but I could never love you that way." Shut up. "I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end up like this. It went too far." Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. "I tried to fall in love with you, but I guess I'm as straight as it gets." I loved her. "I'm sorry. I should have never done any of this to you. I need to leave, though, Galaco, before we hurt each other anymore." She hurt me. All I ever did was love her and take care of her. "Please let me go."

I shook my head angrily. "I won't let you go."

"Please, Galaco." Her rage was gone, replaced with tender grief. "If I get upset again, I don't know if you can fight me off. He couldn't."

"I love you," I insisted.

"I might kill you," she whispered, tightening her grip on the knife. "I have to go."

"Then kill me," I snapped. "My heart's broken, anyway. Put me out of my misery."

She stared at me in disbelief, and my anger took hold. I knew I couldn't fight her off if she attacked me, and I knew how to make her attack me. Without another word more, I dashed across the room, scissors aiming for Mayu. The madness sprang to her eyes, and she dodged my blow easily. For a while, we struggled. Her blade got me repeatedly, never getting too deep, just enough that I would screech in pain. I never got a single blow in.

Suddenly, she had me pinned on the ground, the blade at my neck. I stared into her mad eyes for a moment longer. I loved her. I loved her. Tears rolled down her cheeks onto my face, melting into my tears as they fell onto the ground. I glared viciously at her, almost daring to go in for one more kiss, but I simply closed my eyes when I saw the cut I'd made across her cheek. I prepared for her blade to cut through my neck, to end this horrid anguish, but it never happened. I opened my eyes to see what was taking her so long, but she was gone. Panic overtook me, and I leapt to my feet, whipping toward the door she'd left open. I dashed out into the hallway, but I didn't know which way she'd gone. I headed for the exit, dashing out into the open street, but she was nowhere in sight. I dropped to the ground and sobbed. She was gone. I loved her. I didn't care if she wasn't a lesbian. I didn't care if she didn't love me. I didn't care if she was a psychopath.

"Galaco? Oh my god, what the hell happened to you?"

I didn't care what Gumi would say about Mayu once I explained to her what happened as she ran toward me as I curled in a ball, bloody, sobbing, and screaming in the middle of the street. I didn't care that Mayu might have killed me. I didn't care if she wanted to kill me. I loved her.

I loved her.

Author's Note: If you actually listen to the songs I base these on, the song is meant to be from Mayu's view. Anyway, thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought! Vote on my poll for what other Vocaloid you'd like to see paired with Mayu this October!