But, Dad…
by RGoodfellow64
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Disclaimer: I don't own Richard Castle, Alexis Castle or Katherine Beckett…I just borrow them from time to time.
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"But, Dad…she hurt you. She hurt you badly, and I would even go so far as to say she broke your heart."
He sat on her dorm bed, boxes all around her and tried to think of the words he wanted to say, that he needed to say so she would understand. Kate Beckett did break his heart, more than once to be honest, but she was the only person who could mend it as well.
Which she did.
"Sweetie…" he paused as he looked into her eyes and then sighed. "I wish you were little and I could tell you that she made me all better, but you're not. You deserve an explanation and you deserve to know that right now, I am in a very good place."
Alexis shook her head and looked out the window behind her father. This was Columbia, she was starting college and had moved out of her home. There were so many changes going on in her life and she wasn't sure his telling her he was in a good place was enough. Not when they were talking about Detective Beckett. She needed to make sure he wouldn't be hurt again and truthfully, she didn't fully trust the detective not to do that. She'd seen how much Beckett hurt her father before. She held back a shudder as scenes from the summer after her shooting came to mind.
"How can you be sure though Dad, you've been in a 'good place' before with her and every single time she's let you down." Alexis put her hand out and placed it on his forearm, "Dad, I don't want to see you hurt again, and I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't trust her to protect you."
"Alexis, I have the vest, but she and…"
"I'm not talking physically Dad, I'm talking emotionally. Mentally. I'm talking about your heart. Ever since you and Grams were held at the bank, I've known she'll do what she can to protect you. She may even mean what she says to you now, about caring for you."
She paused a moment to collect her thoughts, then said, "I don't think she can help what she does when she hurts you Dad. I think it's a problem inside of her that makes her push you away, to do something that cuts you deeply."
Rick shook his head no and opened his mouth to speak but Alexis put her hand up to stop him, "Dad, just think about this, ok? Think about what it was like after her apartment blew up and she stayed with us for a while. Suddenly you were writing a new character named 'Schlemming' and we both know why that was. After all that you did for her she decided that some other detective was better than you were. That this guy cared more for her than you did."
She stopped for a moment to watch his eyes as he remembered that time and added, "Dad, you may want to forget that time, but I remember it vividly because you ran back to Gina, and we both know how that worked out."
Rick sighed and said, "Pumpkin, that was a long time ago…" as Alexis was about to interrupt he put up his hand and said, "Let me finish sweetie." At her nod he continued, "That was a long time ago, not in years, but emotionally. Emotionally for both of us. Kate and I have discussed it and I found out things I never realized at the time. It was a time of missed opportunity and miscommunication. It was also a time when we still hid our emotions and feeling from each other, when we tried to protect ourselves and not open ourselves up to hurt. Unfortunately that's exactly what it did do…hurt us both."
"That's what I mean Dad, it happened before, what's to stop it from happening again?"
"Nothing can totally stop it, Alexis," Rick replied. "All we can do is work at it; work at keeping each other aware of our feelings, our needs, and our fears. All we can do is keep talking to each other and working as hard as we can to make us work. Because Alexis, there is definitely as 'us' now."
Alexis thought how to convince her father to be more careful with Beckett. True she was a beautiful woman, and Alexis knew her father was no slouch when it came to going after what he wanted. Yet from almost the very beginning, there was something different about his relationship with the detective. At first Alexis thought it was a good thing because her father was grounded, acting, well sometimes acting more adult than she was used to seeing. She saw her dad more than the person that Gina and Paula created.
However, it was also true that the more her father felt for Beckett, the more she seemed to hold him at arms length. After all, she stayed with that doctor…
Alexis looked in her fathers eyes and said, "Dad, I'm afraid that although you believe that you and she are a couple, in your words an 'us', I worry if she feels the same. Remember that you wear your heart on your sleeve and you've been hurt before, not only by her."
Rick started to shake his head, "Alexis…" but she interrupted him and said, "Dad, I know what happened with Mom."
He blanched the moment he heard those words. He had done everything in his power to keep Alexis from knowing what Meredith did. He never wanted his little girl to know that she was never truly wanted by her mother. That she was never really loved by her mother. Meredith was an actress and never loved anyone other than herself. "How…"
"Dad, it's out there on the internet if you search for it. I needed to know why it was just us for all those years. I know what Mom did to you, and I understand why you thought Gina would be good for us, even though it turned out not to be. I know that when you open your heart you tend not to look to see if there is any water in the pool. You just step straight out and dive in blindly. This is why you've been hurt before and no one, as far as I can tell, as ever hurt you as much as Detective Beckett."
Rick could only nod his head in agreement, because he never cared so deeply for any other woman before in his life as he does for Kate. He knew that she could easily tear him to pieces with the hold she has over him, but that's a two way street, because she gave him the same ammunition to either use or cherish. No matter what circumstances may bring, Rick knew that whatever she gave him, he would cherish. Just as he cherishes the young woman sitting next to him, whom he sometimes still sees as a little girl.
Alexis saw the look appear in his eyes, the look that was always only for her. She knew he was now thinking about her and hoped it would make him realize that no matter how much he felt for the detective, it would never be enough. Detective Beckett wasn't the high maintenance that Gina was, she was far and away much, much more. Beckett would take everything he gave her and need more. Alexis had to make him understand that no matter how much he cared, she would never care half as much for him.
"Dad, why did she stay with that doctor for so long? The jerk attacked you in the hospital and blamed you for what she caused."
Rick tried to answer but Alexis didn't let him, "Dad, she blamed you for Captain Montgomery's death, and was even blaming you for her being shot and in the hospital!"
"Alexis…"
"No Dad, don't you see? If you were to blame for Captain Montgomery being killed, then you are to blame that she was at the cemetery, and you are to blame for her being shot! Dad, her boyfriend would never have blamed you if she hadn't led him to believe it!" Alexis realized she was almost yelling at her father and stopped, surprised at her own outburst.
If Alexis was shocked, it was nothing compared to Rick, who never really understood why his daughter changed her mind about Kate, but now he began to and he was surprised at the hurt and anger she'd held inside.
"Dad," Alexis said in a softer tone of voice, "If she didn't blame you for all of that, if she didn't hold it against you that she was shot, why did she send you away and never contact you for almost four months?" Alexis shook her head and added, "No one who loves you would ever do something that hurtful. No one who cares would ever go so far out of their way to inflict that much pain. Dad, I'm sorry but I don't believe she has the capacity to love. Not anymore anyway. I understand she's hurt because of her mother and I can only imagine how it must have changed her, but that doesn't mean she has to keep inflicting pain on other people."
She paused a moment and said, "Dad, I just want you to be careful here. She has a history of hurting you, of going out of her way to do that, and I'm afraid she's only setting you up for more pain."
Rick was shocked into silence. How could he make Alexis understand that what she was thinking was not Kate? How could he make her understand that Kate wasn't trying to inflict pain but trying to protect him…to protect him from herself.
"Sweetie, Kate and I have made a lot of mistakes over the years, but one thing that did happen is that we learned about each other. I kidded her once about being my work wife, and if you think about it, that's really how our relationship was for so many years."
Alexis didn't speak, but her eyes spoke volumes. Rick continued, "What Kate and I had these past four years was a growing, a learning, a beginning of understanding if you will. Sweetie, those first two years I was pretty much a pain in the ass for her. Although I became more and more of a partner, I was always considered the tag-along pain. But during the second year working together something started to change and Kate as well as the rest of the team, began to accept me, accept my ideas, and look at me as more than a simple tag-along, I had become a member of the team. By the time her apartment blew up, we were becoming closer as friends. I knew things about her that even Lanie, who you could say is her best friend, didn't know."
He reached out and took Alexis' hand in his and said, "I messed up badly back then. Everyone was thinking I was no more than just a two dimensional playboy and then when Bobby Mann was murdered what did I do? I went right back to being a jerk. I lived down to my reputation Alexis, and it hurt my chance with Kate. She didn't think I could be trusted and honestly, I proved her correct. That was why she went out with Demming."
"Dad…"
"Alexis, I know this is more information that you want to hear, but you need to realize that your father has feet of clay, and like any other human, he can make a mistake. I've made plenty in my time, and the only part of my life I can look at with pride is you, and my writing."
Alexis looked down and felt tears form in her eyes. "Oh Dad," she said, but he stopped her by squeezing her hand and said, "It was because of me that she looked at him, and then we simply didn't talk to each other, but misread what the other was saying. Thinking I had no chance with Kate I foolishly became involved with Gina, not knowing that Kate had broken things with Demming to be with me…to give us a chance."
Alexis looked up and her eyes were wide with surprise. "She what?"
"She was going to give us a chance and go to the Hamptons but Gina came up to get me and I turned away and left. I never called her because I felt she and Demming should be allowed to their own privacy, not knowing that they were no longer together. I also didn't call anyone else because, stupidly I didn't want to hear how happy she was with me gone."
Alexis squeezed his hand and he took a deep breath before he continued, "You know what happened when I came back. What you don't know is that even though Kate was dating Josh, she actually spent more time with me than she did with him. Our relationship picked up again from where we'd left it and our friendship actually became stronger. Sweetie, when she was shot she didn't hide away to hurt me, she hid away in a mistaken attempt to keep from hurting me."
"Dad, that doesn't make any sense."
"When she was lying there in the grass, I told her I loved her. She held on to that Alexis, but she knew she had too much baggage to have a stable relationship with me. She had to heal both physically and emotionally because she loved me too."
Alexis shook her head in denial, "Dad…"
"Sweetie, she spent most of this past year seeing a therapist so she could get past the walls she put up when her mother died. She has worked hard to better herself, Alexis. To better herself so that when we got together, because that was always her goal, that we would have a good chance at making it work. An honest chance."
Alexis looked at him, with an intensity to her gaze that told him she was seriously considering what he'd just said.
"We've only been together a few weeks now Alexis, but we have gone so much farther in this, and much sooner, than we ever thought. We already know almost all that we need to about each other."
Alexis frowned and the crease between her eyes told him she didn't quite understand what he meant.
"I have never been this honest before with any woman, Alexis. Kate has never been as honest with any man. We are communicating in a way that we never have before, with anyone, including each other. We are both being honest with our fears, our desires and our needs. This is beyond anything I have ever felt sweetie, much stronger already than any relationship I've ever had."
He shook his head and gave a soft smile when he said, "I always knew that together we'd be amazing, but Alexis, this is so much more than I ever thought possible."
Alexis sighed. What she heard was different from what she'd known of their strange pairing. Some of what he said answered questions she'd held, but there was still that kernel of doubt, that mistrust that the detective wouldn't revert, or even worse, was just playing with his heart.
However, it really came down to only one thing and that was her dad. She could no more live his life for him than he could live hers. Ultimately, it was his decision and whatever that was she would have to live with, but that didn't mean she would turn a blind eye. She loved her father so much, and had been so angry with the detective for so long, that it was hard to change; and really, she wasn't sure if she wanted to.
"Dad, I can't say I'm thrilled by this news, and I won't lie to you and pretend to be happy about it. She's cut you too deeply for me to simply forgive and forget. If she hurt me, I would be able to forgive, but she hurt you, she cut you deeply, and I cannot find it in myself to just smile and pretend it didn't happen."
She squeezed his hand as she noticed the sorrow in his eyes, "That doesn't mean I won't support you though. It just means…" she paused as she tried to find the right words to convey her thoughts. "It means that I will give her the benefit of the doubt, but for you, not for her. I hope that she proves me wrong, that she truly does love you and wants to be with you for the rest of your lives, I really do. I want you to be happy Dad, and I can see that right now, you are. Even with my leaving, you have a lightness about you that you haven't had in a long time, and I guess I can attribute that to her."
Rick smiled and pulled her to him, giving her a hug as he said, "Thank you pumpkin, that's all I ask, that you give us a chance."
Alexis hugged her father back. There was never any question in her mind about him. She knows how much he loves her and how much she loves him. This is her dad, her hero; the one person she knows will always be there for her. Always. No, it's Detective Beckett she questions. It's Detective Beckett she doesn't fully trust any more, and with good reason.
As they slowly pulled apart Alexis smiled at the happiness in her dad's face. She hoped she wouldn't see it replaced with sadness, or hurt because of the detective. As she smiled back, she knew that the only way she could ever fully accept Detective Kate Beckett would be after she spent a lifetime with her father. If Kate Beckett is still with her dad, still making him happy up to the day he dies, then, and only then will Alexis feel she truly does love her dad.
In the meantime, she would keep her eyes open to ensure that if Beckett ever hurts her dad again, she will be there to help him put the pieces back together. Giving him another hug, she hoped that will never happen.
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Authors Note: Just something that I felt drawn to write. Hmmm, drawn to write? Anyway Alexis doesn't know all that her dad and Kate have gone through, but she does know how much Kate hurt her dad, and she proved in Rise that no one, even jackass cardio surgeons, hurts her father. This actually takes place somewhere in the middle of their conversation, after Castle has told her that he and Beckett are now together.