Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to The Mentalist.
Author's Note: I was determined to work only on Road Trip until it's done so I could get to some of the other things I have in mind. But this popped into my head and demanded to go to the front of the line. Hope it's worth it!
Words
Lisbon fidgeted with her phone as she waited, glancing around the crowded diner. It wasn't like Jane to be late for a meal, especially at his favorite breakfast place. And she really wanted to get this over with.
The waiter set down her coffee and the tea she'd ordered for Jane. "Food'll be out in a minute," he told her.
"Thanks." She hoped Jane got here before his eggs did. One of the many things he was picky about was the suitable temperature for his tea and his eggs.
Why had she chosen to do this at breakfast? She was never at her best this early. But she wanted to be the one to tell Jane, and the gossip at the FBI was even worse than at CBI.
The bell on the door rang, and she looked up to see Jane hesitating on the threshold, looking around uncertainly. When he saw her, his smile slid into place as easily as a mask. Because that's what it was, she thought.
Jane's emotional state was more a mystery to her now than it had been at any time since she'd gotten to know him. She supposed that was her fault, because she'd been so preoccupied with Marcus. But it was Jane's fault too, because he'd been hiding from her behind a mask of false cheer ever since the night she'd gone out with Marcus for the first time, leaving him behind.
"Morning, sunshine," Jane greeted her, sliding into the booth and grinning in delight as he sniffed his tea. "Ah. Perfect. "
"Eggs are on their way. I showed the waiter your picture and told him you'd want your usual." He was such a creature of habit that she hadn't hesitated. Neither had the waiter, who'd smiled and nodded.
"Clever," Jane said, sipping his tea. "So. To what do I owe the unexpectedly early honor, Lisbon?"
She sipped her coffee, gathering her nerves. "I don't know if you've heard, but Marcus is being transferred to DC."
"I did hear a rumor to that effect, yes. But I was far more interested in the rumor that you'd been offered a job there too. FBI headquarters. Very flattering."
Her heart sank. She should have been the one to tell him. "It's true," she said.
"Congratulations," he said. "You deserve a promotion. Hell, you should be running the whole damn show. I expect you will be, before long."
He was going to let her go that easily? Really? She looked closely at him. He hadn't slept, judging by the shadows under his eyes and their slight redness, but that wasn't unusual for Jane. And she couldn't trust any of his body language or nonverbal cues, because he was a master at controlling those.
"You think I should go?"
Jane frowned at her a little. Apparently she'd surprised him. "I think," he said carefully, "that it's your decision. You need to do what's best for you."
The waiter arrived with their food. "Good morning, Mr. Jane," he said as he set the eggs down in front of him.
"Good morning, Dave. I see Chuck is upholding his usual high standards," Jane replied with an easy smile.
"I'll tell him you said so. Let me know when you're ready for your second cuppa," Dave replied before moving off.
Lisbon watched as Jane devoted his attention to his scrambled eggs and stifled a sigh. He was, despite her expectations, settling in here, developing routines and winning over the people who could make his life run smoothly, from Abbott to the waiter. Doubtless he'd find a local shoemaker soon to resole his ancient shoes and already had a dry cleaner lined up. Maybe he'd find a tailor to make some new shirts one of these days.
But she might not be here to see it. The thought gave her a pang.
"So let me get this straight. You, who have an opinion about everything, have no opinion on whether I should move halfway across the country?" You don't care whether I stay? she couldn't ask.
"I have an opinion," he admitted. "And I have a preference. Unfortunately they're in opposition to each other. And since when do you want my opinion on your life choices, anyway?"
Stubborn ass, she thought. "I feel an obligation to Cho, Kim, and Abbott to make sure you won't run amok without me."
"Ah. Well. I never make promises I can't keep. But there's no reason you should have to spend the rest of your life keeping me in line, is there?" He shrugged. "If Agent Pike treats you well and makes you happy, and this new job is something you want, then don't let me stand in your way. I don't want to hold you back. You would have been running the CBI if it weren't for me, so I think I've done enough damage."
"Yeah, well, I didn't want that job anyway, so you did me a favor," she said, picking at her muffin. "Plus, we caught a lot of bad guys."
"That we did," he said softly, glancing up at her briefly. But she caught the wistfulness in his eyes.
She reached a hand across the table to touch his fingers on the teacup handle. "I need to know you'll be okay without me."
His smile was blatantly false. "Of course I will, Lisbon. I'm a big boy. Perfectly capable of looking after myself." He took another sip of tea, then sobered. "It's not like we'll never talk to each other again. This might be the excuse I need to let Wiley teach me how to use FaceTime."
"Nice to know you won't miss me," she grumbled, pulling her hand back.
Jane reached out and grabbed it, squeezing hard. "I will miss you, Lisbon. Every minute of every day. But I want you to be happy. And I know you won't forget about me. You're far too loyal for that."
"I'm pretty sure nobody has ever forgotten you," Lisbon said, smiling a little. "Least of all me. And I'll insist that you come see me on your next vacation. Ever been to DC?"
"No, as it happens. Are you and Pike planning to move in together?"
"Too soon," Lisbon replied, sipping her coffee.
"Ah," Jane said, grinning. "He wanted to, but you didn't."
"Well, DC's expensive," she shrugged. "But I think it's too much at once. I'll get a short term lease and we'll reevaluate when it's up."
"Sounds like you have it all planned."
Lisbon sighed. "I'm just not a hundred percent sure I want to go through with it," she admitted. "It's a big step. And...I'll miss you. And Cho. And Kim."
Jane nodded. "Not nearly as much as we'll miss you. You'll have new people to meet and a new city to explore. We'll just be left staring at your vacant desk."
Then ask me to stay, she thought. And it suddenly hit her: part of her wanted him to talk her out of it.
But he wasn't.
So what did she have to stay for, then?
"Well," she said, trying to sound more cheerful than she felt, "you're taking this better than I expected."
He gave her an inscrutable look. "I want your happiness. I'll support you in whatever you want to do, Lisbon. Always."
"That's sweet." She felt an urge to cry, so she stood up. "I'm going to hit the ladies' room. Back in a minute."
She quickly crossed the room and turned into the little alcove where the restrooms were. The ladies' room was occupied, so she stepped to the side a bit, glancing around the corner at their booth. Her heart clenched as she spotted Jane with his face in his hands, hunched over as if he hurt.
Was it possible, she wondered, that he was telling her the truth? That he just wanted her to be happy, even if it made him unhappy, so he was masking his unhappiness so she wouldn't feel guilty or upset?
She'd hoped this breakfast would settle things one way or another, but she was more confused than ever. Why wouldn't he be honest with her? Well, because he was Jane, that's why. He was still making decisions for her, in his own sneaky way, by not making his case for her to stay.
Lisbon sighed, leaning her head back against the wall. Whichever choice she made, she would have regrets. But she'd been putting her money on Jane for years, and what had it gotten her? Maybe it was time to switch dealers and see if she got a better hand. Maybe Jane really would be okay without her.
She peeked over at him again. He rubbed his face and lowered his hands, letting out a long sigh. The look on his face was heartbreaking. Heartbroken.
She didn't want to break his heart. But she didn't want hers broken again, either.
Maybe he was right. Maybe she needed to do what was best for her.
mmm
Lisbon invited Cho out for lunch. She'd known him longer than Jane, after all, and he was a good friend with solid judgment and zero tendency to play games. She wanted to talk things through with him if he was willing.
When they'd placed their orders at the sandwich shop, Cho said, "So. You moving to DC?"
"Still trying to decide," she admitted. "I talked to Jane this morning, but it didn't really help."
"Yeah. He's being an idiot."
Lisbon huffed out a little laugh. "So what do you think I should do?"
"I think you should do what makes you happy."
"I hate when people say that," she complained. "It doesn't mean anything."
Cho looked at her for a minute. "If you're going around hoping somebody will talk you out of it, that should tell you something."
"I'm not," she protested.
"You're looking for a better offer. I don't have one."
"I didn't think you did." She was getting irritated. All she wanted was to talk this out. Maybe she should try Kim. Or call Grace? But Grace had never met Marcus and probably felt in Jane's debt after the Haibach thing.
"Look," Cho said. "You're the only one who knows what's best for you. But I'll tell you what I think."
"Please," she invited.
"If you leave, Jane'll be dead in a year."
Lisbon sucked in a breath, feeling like she'd been punched in the gut. She was still trying to catch her breath when Cho's number was called. He'd barely sat down when hers was up, so she went to get her sandwich and then returned. "Why?" she finally asked.
"Nothing to lose," Cho replied after swallowing a mouthful of his steak and cheese. "He's crazy normally, but you get his attention. And you know when he's going to do something dangerous. Without that, he'll do something stupid and get himself killed."
Lisbon frowned. "You know him as well as I do."
"No, I don't. I've known him as long, but he doesn't tell me stuff like he does you." Cho paused, then added, "And he's not going to trust Fischer or Abbott any day soon. Not while they're keeping him here with the threat of jail time."
"I thought he was fitting in. Making an effort," she said.
"He is. But he doesn't trust people. Maybe you don't notice because he treats you differently, but it's true. Now, I'm not saying it's your job to take care of him. It's not. And whatever happens to him is not going to be your fault. But you need to make sure you know that, so you can live with your decision whatever happens. Let go of him completely, or stay and help him. But there's not going to be a compromise. There never is, with Jane."
Well, she'd wanted to talk things through. And she couldn't disagree with any of Cho's points.
Cho said, "I'll do my best, Lisbon. I'll look out for him. But I can't save him from himself."
"Neither can I," she said. For the second time today, she wanted to cry.
"If he was going to let anybody, it'd be you," Cho said. "Make him talk to you. Make sure you're clear on where you both stand. Because either way, it's gonna be tough to reverse it if you change your mind later."
"Yeah." If she stayed and regretted it, another opportunity might not come along for a long time. If she left, her job here would be filled by someone else. Though if Cho was right about Jane going out of control, Abbott would probably invent a position for her if his budget allowed.
They ate the rest of their meal in silence. As they got up to leave, Cho said, "Hey. Either way, I got your back. But I'll miss you if you go."
"Me too," Lisbon said. "You'd visit, though, right?"
"Sure. Never seen the cherry blossoms," he said with a brief smile.
mmm
That evening, Lisbon stopped by the sixth floor to see Marcus on her way out, wanting to make sure he was okay with her taking a night to think. He was affectionate and supportive, as always, and she left wondering what the hell was wrong with her. Why couldn't she commit to this good man who wanted to be with her, who never left her trying to decode his words or guess what he was thinking?
Because she was hung up on Jane, of course. But Jane seemed uninterested in making any kind of counteroffer, so choosing to stay just to be with him wasn't a likely path to happiness. If she made that choice, she needed to accept that she was never going to have what she wanted. It would all be on Jane's terms, as usual.
She hadn't been dating Marcus long enough to know if she wanted to be with him indefinitely, but at least he wanted to try. She might not end up happy with him either, but there was a solid chance. And a promotion at work.
Of course, a promotion might lead her right back to her workaholic ways. She was enjoying having less responsibility for now. She'd gotten used to having personal time while she was living in Cannon River.
As she walked in her front door, she shrugged off her blazer and a piece of paper fluttered to the floor. Her heart skipped a beat as she bent to pick it up, then read the note in Jane's elegant handwriting.
Dear Lisbon,
There is so much I want to say to you, but I don't know if you want to hear any of it. If your mind is truly set on this move, then please know that I wish you all the best and will always think of you with gratitude and affection. Go with my blessing. But if you have doubts, if you are looking for a reason to stay, please give me a chance to persuade you. Call or text me and I will meet you anywhere, anytime.
Either way, you will always be important to me. If you ever want or need anything from me, it is yours for the asking.
Sincerely,
U No Hoo
Lisbon read the note a second, then a third, time before dropping onto her couch, heart pounding. This was it. This was Jane making his move. No—this was Jane asking if she wanted him to make his move.
Apparently he'd taken her message about not making choices for her to heart.
She sat there for what felt like a long time, then pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted him: Come over.
There was a delay in his response, which made her even more nervous. Be right there. Should I bring dinner?
If you want. She wasn't sure she could eat.
Jane arrived half an hour later with Thai takeout and a six pack of craft beer, looking nervous. "Hey," he greeted her as she opened the door.
"Come in." She took the bag and beer from him and carried everything to the kitchen. She was a little surprised when Jane didn't follow her, but she found him in the dining room when she carried the food and plates in. The sight seemed to jar him out of his thoughts, and he hurried to bring the beers and silverware. Soon they were settled at the table, but neither moved to eat.
"Do you, uh, want to talk first?" she asked. She'd never seen Jane hesitate like this. Had he expected her not to want to hear what he had to say?
"Yeah." He cleared his throat, then gave her a rueful smile. "I, um, promised myself I would be nothing but honest with you if you called. It's...a lot harder than I anticipated."
She gave a little huff of amusement. "Yeah. Well, you already know where my head's at because I took you up on your note. So it's kind of your turn."
"I know. I should have found a way to be honest with you at breakfast. I mean, I was—I want you to be happy and do what's best for you. That's true. But I didn't tell you that the thought of you moving away made me feel like...like all the air was being sucked out of the room." He paused, looking at her closely. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you then that I wanted to throw my arms around you and beg you to stay."
"Well," she said, "I kind of figured you were putting on an act."
"Yeah. I just...didn't believe the rumor at first. And then I thought there was no way you'd take it. I mean, I thought I was pretty clear about how much I wanted you here, so it didn't occur to me that you needed me to...to say the words."
"Words are good," she remarked dryly.
"So I thought maybe you really were in love with Pike. And if that were the case, I didn't want to mess that up. But I watched you today, and you looked like someone trying to convince herself instead of someone riding off into the sunset with the man of her dreams. So I thought maybe I still had a chance. But we're both aware that I have some unfair advantages when it comes to getting what I want, and I didn't want either of us to have doubts about whether I'd over persuaded you. Thus, my note."
"Yes, I get that." She wanted him to cut to the chase.
Jane took a deep breath and clasped his hands in front of his plate. Lisbon felt her eyes widen as she realized he wasn't wearing his ring.
"Okay. To the point. I love you. I don't want you to leave. I feel like I can't bear it if you go, and I'm afraid if you do, I'll spend all my energy scheming to either follow you or get you to come back. Because you ground me, Lisbon. You help me see clearly. You make me feel like I'm not a complete waste of air, because there must be something worthwhile in me for you to stick by me. You have a kind heart and an unerring moral compass. In short, you have the things I lack, and I never want to be apart from you." He paused for breath as she blinked, stunned.
"And we can call ourselves friends all we want, but the truth is I feel so much more for you. And I'm sorry I didn't have my head together sooner so I could have said something before Pike swept you off your feet, but I promise you this feeling isn't new, and it's not just jealousy or possessiveness or whatever else you're telling yourself because you're afraid to believe I'm finally saying what you've wanted to hear for years now."
Jane took a swig of beer and continued, "And if you stay, I'll show you the time of your life. We'll go out and do fun things, relax together, build a life with each other. We'll make mad passionate love until we can barely walk, and have lazy mornings in bed reading the paper and eating a big breakfast until we feel like making love again. And sometimes we'll disagree and argue, but we'll always make up because we know we're better together than apart. And I will spend the rest of my life making you happy. To the best of my ability."
It was Lisbon's turn to take a drink, because her mouth had gone dry when Jane started talking about sex. "Cho said if I left, you'd be dead in a year."
Jane shook his head. "I'm not self-destructive, Lisbon. And if I die on the job, it won't be your fault."
"Is that the truth?" she demanded.
He grimaced. "It's true. It's maybe not the whole truth. I think I might not value my life as much if you seemed to value it less. But that wouldn't be on you. I don't want you to stay because you think you have to."
"I don't," she assured him.
"Well, good." He seemed at a loss for a moment, then said, "Let's eat before it gets cold. I don't expect you to make up your mind tonight." He pushed his Pad Thai around for a moment, then looked at her again. "Is there anything else you need to hear from me? If you give me some time, I can do a much better romantic declaration."
She smiled, shaking her head. "No, that was good. I think I'm clear on my options now."
They didn't talk much more over the meal, and Jane excused himself immediately afterward. "I know you want me out of your hair so you can think."
"Thanks for dinner," she said as she walked him to the door. "And for the information."
He smiled wryly. "Thanks for giving me the chance. A second chance, I mean."
They reached the front door and paused. Then Jane scooped her up into a hug so tight she could barely breathe, his fingers clutching at her shirt as he buried his face in her hair.
"Please don't leave me," he whispered. "I'll never stop missing you if you do."
That was true, she knew. Jane wasn't good at putting things behind him and moving on. She didn't think he'd ever go out and find somebody else to love if she left.
Of course, she hadn't stopped missing him for two years, so that might go for both of them. She'd turned Marcus down at first, after all.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she said, swallowing her urge to reassure him that she wasn't going anywhere. She needed to think this through logically before making her choice, not let Jane sweep her off her feet with his sad eyes and pretty words.
After a minute, he reluctantly stepped back and opened the door. "I love you," he said, his voice hoarse. "And I bitterly regret every minute I have made you think otherwise. But I...I won't stop loving you if you go to DC. I'll never stop. I need you to know that."
"I know," she whispered, holding on to the edge of the door for support.
Jane nodded, then leaned forward and kissed her forehead, lingering there with his breath puffing against her skin. Then, slowly, he tilted her face up with his fingers and kissed her, a gentle press of his closed lips against hers. When he pulled back, she saw that his eyes were dark with desire and knew hers were the same.
"Good night," he whispered, hesitating and obviously hoping she'd ask him to stay.
Oh, how she wanted to. But she knew what would happen if she did. And she wasn't going to cheat on Marcus, no matter the temptation. That wasn't who she was.
"See you tomorrow," she said again, and gently closed the door between them.
Then she leaned against it for support, closing her eyes. If she'd been looking for a reason to stay, she'd certainly found it. And she realized that no matter how hard she tried to make a rational decision, the truth was that she had no choice. Her heart was here in Austin, because it was always where Jane was.
mmm
Lisbon met Marcus for breakfast, feeling nervous and sad. She really did like him, and she could have loved him if her heart had been hers to give. But she'd been fooling herself, and now she was going to hurt him. She hated herself for that.
Marcus was no Jane, but he was perceptive enough, especially when it came to her. "You're not going, are you?" he said slowly as she sat down across from him.
She shook her head. "I'm sorry. But I belong here."
"It's Jane, isn't it?" Marcus sounded sad rather than angry. "I should have seen this coming. But I thought if you could get some distance, you'd get over him."
"I don't think so," she said. "We spent two years with several thousand miles between us and it didn't help me get over him. But I'm sorry. I was hoping I could, too. And I do care about you."
She reached for his hand, and he let her hold it. "Well," he sighed. "I guess I was lucky to have had you even for a little while."
"No," she replied, trying to smile, "I was the lucky one. And I hope you'll find somebody who's really worthy of you."
He gave her a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I hear there are lots of single women in DC, so that's a silver lining, I guess."
"Probably some great diners, too," she agreed. The pain in his eyes was tearing her up, and she realized there was no point in dragging this out. "I am sorry, Marcus. And I wish you the best of luck." She slid out of the booth.
Marcus stood too, tossing a couple of bills on the table to pay for his coffee. "You too, Teresa. You take care of yourself, okay?"
He kissed her one last time, then left, looking over his shoulder at her as the door closed behind him. Lisbon took a few deep breaths and debated what to do next, then decided to go to the office, stopping by the closest coffee place along the way. She would go see Abbott and let him know she was declining the new job. And then, when Jane got to the office—
No. That wasn't the right order. Jane wasn't just her coworker anymore. He was the reason she was staying, so he had the right to know first.
Lisbon got back into her car and drove out to the trailer park, not even stopping for coffee. Approaching the Airstream, she looked in vain for signs that Jane was awake, but saw none. His car was there, though, so he hadn't slept at the office.
She knocked, but there was no answer. She waited a moment, then knocked again, louder. Just when she was about to go back to her car, the door opened a crack, and Jane's wet head peered out. "Lisbon!" he exclaimed in surprise.
He'd been in the shower, she realized. "Sorry. I should have called first."
"No, come on in," he said, opening the door wider. She stepped up into the vehicle, her face heating as she realized he was only wearing a towel. "I just need to get dressed. I didn't get to bed until late, so I overslept. Make yourself at home; there's water in the kettle."
Lisbon took the nearest seat, sneaking a peek at him as he vanished back into his sleeping area. They'd known each other a very long time, but she had seen very little of his skin. That would change now, she hoped.
Jane returned in a minute, wearing his suit pants and a half-buttoned shirt, toweling his hair vigorously. She smiled a little at his disarray, something she almost never saw.
"Good news?" he asked, his voice full of hope.
"I'm staying."
She barely got the words out before he grabbed her in a hug, lifting her to her feet and holding her tightly. "Thank you," he whispered into her ear. "Oh, thank you."
She didn't know what to say to that, but he didn't wait for a response, pulling back to beam at her. His happiness was so evident that she had to smile back. "I'll make sure you don't regret it," he promised. "I'll do everything I can to make you happy. Can I take you out tonight? Or do you need some time? You probably need some time."
She had to laugh a little at hearing him babble. It was so unlike him that it took her by surprise. It was nice to know she wasn't the only one unsure about what this new relationship might hold, though.
"I do need some time," she said. "But if we're not on a case, why don't you come over tonight and we'll order a pizza or something. Low key. Just…to talk."
"Great. I'll be there." His smile reminded her of the way he'd looked at her when they'd met again after his return from Venezuela. Joyful. That was the word. Then something like sadness crossed his expression, like a cloud temporarily blocking the sun. "I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost you. I love you so much. I just…never could find the right time, or the right words, to tell you before."
She reached up and laid her hand on his cheek. She knew how damaged he was, how his terrible past colored his perception of the future. It was a wonder to her sometimes that he still got up in the mornings, much less found the strength to put his shattered, glued-together heart into her hands to risk being broken again.
Well, if he could, so could she. "I love you too," she said softly. "But I was never going to be brave enough to say it first."
"It doesn't matter who says it first," Jane told her, brushing his lips against her cheek. "It only matters that we keep saying it. Every day. For the rest of our lives."
She held onto him tightly. Forever had always scared that hell out of her with other men, but for some reason, it didn't with Jane. Maybe because they had already spent so long together, or maybe because he knew her so well and she trusted he wasn't going to let her screw it up. He'd be able to see her panicking before she knew she was doing it.
"We should go to work," Jane murmured against her hair. "If we stay here much longer, there's no way you're getting your time to think because I'm not letting you out of bed for the foreseeable future."
She shivered but made herself pull out of his embrace. She owed it to Marcus, and to herself and Jane, to do this right. She should at least take a day to mourn her failed relationship before diving into this new one. Old one. New old one.
"See you at work," she said, smiling as she opened the door. "Don't be too late."
"I'm right behind you," he promised. "With coffee and pastries. For the whole team."
He beamed at her again, and she wondered what the office gossips would make of this. But she didn't care. Jane was happy, and she was happy, and that was what mattered.