Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its affiliates.

Author's Note: Do. Not. Look. At . Me. Like. That. Tripped and broke my...fucking, one of those damn ankle bones xD. So I have pain killers. They are very good pain killers. I think if you look closely, you can see the exact moment they decided to kick in. NaruIru for Whisperelmwood.

If Couches Could Talk

Iruka grunted as he was forced against his front door with a loud thump, his back protesting with the strength used upon him. The rest of his body hardly cared though as large hands palmed their way up his sides, scratching along his shirt; a quick tongue darted into his opened mouth and tried to swallow him whole.

He really tried not to think on how this had come about, because to question that would be to question why he'd even asked the other to dinner as he always had, why the other had agreed even though he knew what was really being asked, and why of all people, had Naruto been the one to get him into this state so quickly.

Of course, he reasoned mentally as the blond tried to inhale what he'd had for dinner by sucking at his mouth, it could just be because it was that time of the month.

Iruka was an upstanding citizen, but not as pious as most would think, present situations not withstanding.

For instance, he was in fact human and had very basic needs. Other humans, sustenance, shelter, and of course, sex.

His busy schedule didn't allow much time for the latter, much to his displeasure. A while ago after realizing he'd gone in entire year and a half without sex and that he didn't really want a relationship, he'd come up with a plan.

At the bright and energetic age of twenty-three, Iruka had started indulging in his baser desires. Every four months for at least two days, sometimes--depending on how much pent up aggression he'd harbored, up to a week, he'd seek out the company of another. It didn't matter who that person was, they just had to be interested in the same goal.

To his surprise and amusement, it only took most the shinobi in the village a year to figure things out.

He'd heard through the gossip-vine that jounin had started marking the date on their calendars and called it the 'hunting season'. Iruka noticed that two weeks before his little escapades began that higher nins became much nicer toward him.

There were far less jokes about how he mothered the younger shinobi, fewer scathing remarks about how he spoke out of place for someone of his rank, almost no nasty comments about his character, and absolutely zero unfinished or late mission reports.

Not that any of that helped their chances of getting him into bed, but he neglected to mention it to them.

He always picked men for his one-night affairs, because really, as good a guy as Iruka was, he still didn't want any mini-Iruka ninja running around. He already had enough children at the Academy that slipped and called him kaasan and he didn't need the embarrassment of more.

Another rough shove against his door brought him out of his mixed thoughts and he felt a heavy hand leave his side to scrabble behind him. It took a few good seconds to realize that Naruto was grappling with the handle and was growing frustrated with his fumbling grip.

Iruka parted his lips wider to allow even deeper access to the boy as compensation.

When had Naruto grown up? Where had the loud little troublemaker that he'd have to chase around the village gone? When had the blond become taller, thicker, and broader than he? Where in the hell had Naruto learned to do that with his tongue?

It was rape. That's what it was. This thing Naruto was doing inside of his mouth. It was definitely rape. Iruka had trouble breathing and with a weak cry, he jerked away from Naruto's damnable tongue to gasp in a ragged lungful of sweet night air.

The teen was hardly deterred by any means and bent his kiss-reddened lips to investigate Iruka's slender neck, sucking at the thick vein that fluttered madly under honeyed skin.

Yes, at this point some would cling to the idea that such a relationship, no matter how brief, was completely immoral, but after an evening of a few innocently shared drinks, Iruka felt confident in the fact that he could blame this on the alcohol.

It was a complete lie, but he'd stick to it anyway.

Naruto finally achieved victory over the handle and broke away from lavishing attention on the chuunin's throat to let a whoop of success.

Iruka fixed him with a pointed look that promised a smack on the head if he didn't remain focused. He grabbed the brilliantly orange and black jacket, jerking the younger man inside. They each spent a few precious seconds kicking off their shoes before Naruto considerately shut and locked the door behind them.

Once they were devoid of thick flack vests, weaponry—which is how Naruto preferred Iruka anyway, and forehead protectors, they sort of just stared at one another.

"Well?" Iruka said expectantly, his cheeks growing pink.

"Well what?" Naruto replied, busily thinking over the best way to get his former sensei naked.

Iruka huffed and cocked his hips. "Well do something."

"Anything specific?" Naruto asked smartly. "You do something."

Iruka fisted his hands at his sides. "I can't do anything, I'm drunk."

Naruto snorted as his gaze dropped over the brunet's hidden form under the bulky uniform. "I think you're just saying that so you don't feel badly for taking advantage of me."

Iruka's jaw dropped open.

He adjusted it into its proper position.

"What?" he snapped.

"Will you give me a lap dance?"

Iruka's jaw fell again. He seemed to be having trouble convincing it to stay in place.

"What?!"

Naruto looked slightly guilty in that way that made Iruka think he didn't feel guilty at all.

"Heh, just kidding," he said quickly. "Well, if you're not drunk enough to give me a lap dance, you're not drunk enough to not make the first move."

Iruka didn't like Naruto's logic. He couldn't find a loophole in it and that annoyed him. He closed his eyes and put a hand to his newly throbbing temple.

Naruto rubbed himself through his pants. "So is that a 'no' on the lap dance?"

The school teacher narrowed his eyes. "I thought you said you were kidding."

The blond grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. "I am."

Iruka continued to glare.

"Well I'm not going to toss you away if you decide you feel the need to express yourself through erotic dance," Naruto said.

Iruka closed his eyes again and counted to ten before staring at Naruto intently and pointing a finger at him. "Never quote Icha Icha to me again, do you understand?"

Naruto offered the not-really-guilty look. "Wait, so you read Icha Icha?"

"No!" Iruka looked scandalized.

"Then how'd you know I was quoting it?"

"Because it sounds like the sort of crap Jiraiya-sama would say and think was enticing."

A few moments passed in silence. The situation turned awkward shortly after.

"Nice apartment," Naruto said, looking around in feigned interest.

"Hm? Oh yes," Iruka agreed, latching onto the conversation like a drowning man. "Rent controlled you know."

"Nice, how much a month?"

"Around eight hundred."

Naruto whistled. "Nice deal for a bedroom and full kitchen."

More silence butted in quite rudely and set up camp. The two men shot furtive glances at each other.

"You can pretend to be drunk again if it makes you feel more comfortable," Naruto ventured.

Iruka winced. "It really doesn't have the same affect if you know I'm faking it."

The blond nodded. "I know, but I can't help but think about all this time we've wasted…"

"I know," Iruka said.

"…during which you could have been giving me a lap dance."

Iruka glared. Naruto shrugged.

Silence thought them both very discourteous for continually interrupting it and gave them the cold shoulder. It was further insulted when neither shinobi acknowledged it.

"Should I just jump you?" Naruto queried.

"I think the moment's gone," Iruka said at the same time.

"…" said the sofa sitting against the wall.

As strange as it may seem, this was not unusual for the sofa. It hadn't spoken in a very long time and was rather timid about doing so anyway.

The first and last time it'd ever said anything was about a year ago when Iruka had stumbled home drunkenly. The sofa had asked quite politely if Iruka would like to have a bit of a sit down on it, and Iruka had bumped into the wall, blinked at it, told it shortly to shut up, and then lurched into his bedroom to sleep it off.

The sofa's confidence had never been the same.

Naruto sat down heavily, unknowingly giving the sofa a sense of refilled purpose.

"What?" he asked.

Iruka winced, "Obviously we're both uncomfortable with this."

"We weren't a few minutes ago," Naruto argued.

"Well we are now," Iruka pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest.

Naruto slouched comfortably. "I'm not, but you are. Would you like to tell me why?"

The brunet narrowed his sharp eyes. "Don't do that. I hate when Kakashi-sensei does that, why would it be any different from you?"

"You don't like it when I take an interest in your state of mind?"

"I swear I'll clock you."

"You have nice legs," Naruto said.

Iruka paused. "What?"

"I thought I'd get you in the mood again."

"By admiring my legs?"

"I could talk about your ass."

"Naruto…"

"Your ass," Naruto began. "Is very round."

Iruka waited. Naruto smiled.

"That's it?" the brunet snapped.

The taller man flustered. "It's also…"

Iruka huffed and started toward his bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower and wash away the indignity. You should go home."

Naruto clawed desperately for control of the situation. "Wait! Don't you want to hear what I think about your eyes?"

Iruka apparently did not. Naruto winced with the sharp slam of a door that greeted him.

He sighed and bent over to bury his face in his hands. That hadn't gone at all like he'd planned. His ears pricked as he heard the shower turn on.

"Don't give up," said the sofa timidly. "I think you should go after him."

"Shut up, you overstuffed pin cushion," Naruto snarled.

The sofa cried on the inside.

The blond huffed and glanced down the short hall where he could hear faint humming. Hm. Maybe the sofa had a point after all…

TBC