Title: Home Pairings: Remus/Sirius Song: This is Home - Switchfoot
There is something about being small. Being small and scared of everything and everyone. The whole world is your enemy and you don't feel like you belong to anyone. There is nothing in the world more terrifying and horrible as knowing that you don't even fit in with your own family. There is no light. There is no control. You heart closes off. Not for your sake, but for the sake of being able to get up each day.
That is where the story begins you see.
With a very small boy, a chance, and a flicker of hope.
I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
Remus John Lupin had been told by his parents that he was probably not going to be able to attend Hogwarts. His 'condition' made him unsafe. When the news came that the headmaster had created a way for Remus to attend the school, he was both scared and more excited than he had ever been in his entire life. He had ignored his parents pleas to stay home and be taught by them instead of putting himself and others in danger. He wanted this. He needed a chance to find something different.
Three months into his first year in the school for witches and wizards, he had learned some very important life skills. One, was that Peter Pettigrew would never be able to spell beyond a third grade level. Two, James Potter was definitely more adventurous than he had bargained for, and three, Sirius Black did not hold him in high regard.
Remus was actually rather terrified of Sirius to be honest. He was like a ticking time bomb. He punched anyone who looked at him wrong and had this wild look in his eyes. It made something inside Remus squirm uncomfortably. He had hoped he would fall in with the more quiet group of Griffindors, but here he was, sharing quarters with the biggest group of trouble he had ever stumbled upon.
Worse than that, he didn't really feel like he belonged. Not that he usually did, but in this instance he felt like a complete and utter black sheep. He would rather avoid trouble if possible. This had led to him frequently hiding in the library so he wouldn't have to go and feel awkward and generally unwanted by Sirius and talked into doing rather horrible and reckless things by James. Better safe than sorry in his opinion. Better than getting attached.
It was one cool day in October that his safety in the library was threatened. A certain shaggy head head of black hair peeked over his stack of books in the farthest back corner of the library.
"Is this where you always go when you are hiding from us?"
Remus looked at the little boyish, angry face of Sirius Black and felt his cheeks get hot.
"I'm not hiding!"
"Really? Because no one ever uses this table except for you, and you are always in here as soon as classes end." Sirius leaned on the table.
"I'm studying!" Remus countered, hiding his nose in the book.
"No you aren't. That book is some muggle story." Sirius pointed to the cover and wrinkled his perfectly straight nose.
"I-" Remus wished he would go away. "Why does it matter to you? I thought you said I was a wet blanket."
Sirius stared at him for a few minutes, his gray eyes sparkling with that thing that made Remus want to crawl from his chair. He really didn't like it at all.
"You are...But I didn't mean it like I didn't like you." Sirius then stalked away, leaving a rather confused Remus Lupin in his wake.
I've seen too much
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known
This is home
Some things make very little sense.
Some things make so little sense that when they happen you are utterly dumbstruck.
Sirius started making regular appearances in the library. They were never long, he would just pop in, say a few words, then leave again. As that started to happen, Remus began to wonder if maybe he should leave and find a new hiding spot. After this thought however, Sirius started finding him in the hallways and saying something. Always brief, never particularly well put together, just awkward. It was more than a little confusing.
Finally, a few days after the full moon, in which Remus had been taking one day at a time, he had forced himself back to classes a little too soon. After three occurrence of his rather bedraggled appearances, his classmates had taken notice that he frequently fell ill and walked around wrapped in bandages.
During his potions class, some of his classmates decided he needed to be questioned.
"Are you just clumsy?" A girl with a head of short, brown curls asked.
"-Or stupid? Did you fall down the stairs?" Asked one of the Hufflepuffs that shared the class.
"Stupid and clumsy then!" Said a boy who was leaning over the girl. Remus sank in his chair, feeling sick and afraid. He wanted to leave, but they were all pressed in so tightly that he couldn't escape.
"Maybe you should speak up!" The girl badgered again, poking Remus in the shoulder. He winced and pulled away, shaking his head. He felt like he was going to suffocate if he stayed, but he was too weak to shove them out of the way, to run. And where would he go? They would only tease him further if he didn't stand up for himself.
"How about you leave him alone?"
The voice came from over all the other heads, but caused silence as the image of Sirius Black pushed his way through the crowd.
"What? Are you going to speak for him Black?" The boy said, taking a step closer to the smaller, angry boy.
"If I do are you gonna hit me?" Sirius asked darkly.
The taller boy glared at him. "Don't you have something to be blowing up?"
Sirius took the seat pointedly next to Remus' and glared at the crowd like and angry raincloud until they dispersed, muttering. Remus looked over at Sirius pallidly and squirmed in his seat. Was Sirius going to bother him about it too? Would he get badgered? He still had time to escape before class started.
"Are you okay?"
The question was asked in a rough, awkward way that seemed forced and unnatural on the lips of one Sirius Black. He wasn't looking at Remus either, but fixedly at the desk in front of him.
"Yes...well no, but better than when they were...you know-" Remus fiddled with his bandaged hand.
"That's because they are bloody insensitive twats." Sirius said stiffly. He was still staring at his hands.
"Yes, but I am use to things like that. I kind of ask for it, showing up in bandages all the time." Remus didn't know why he was talking so much. Sirius looked up at him and their eyes locked for the first time since they had met.
"Thank you." Remus said honestly.
"D-don't mention it." Sirius said awkwardly.
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
Remus didn't know how he felt about being a member of this group. James called them keenly "The Marauders", and happily lay plot to pranks that had every school prefect after them in desperate attempt to give the lot of them detention. Remus didn't like detention, he didn't like pranks, he didn't like trouble. He did like friends. He didn't know if he was actually a legitimate member, since Sirius had practically forced him into hanging around with them, but he liked it. Secretly.
Right now he was currently sitting between Peter and Sirius, staring open-mouthed at what they were planning.
"Why would you want to do that to Snape?" He asked.
"Because he has a huge nose?" Sirius prompted.
"Because he hates everyone anyway?" James tried.
"Why is he here anyway?" Peter asked, looking as Remus. He had been the one who got to sit next to Sirius before Remus had been brought in. Remus flushed and looked away. Sirius noticed.
"Because." James said, ignoring the comment breezily. "Now, Sirius, Remus you will go and stand watch outside the door, while I load his bag with dungbombs."
"What will I do?" Peter asked.
"Not ask so many questions." Sirius snapped, "You can help James. Hold the dungbomb sack or something." He caught Remus by the robes, and standing, hauled him to the end of the corridor. Remus let out a tiny squeak of protest.
When they were stationed to stand guard and make sure the class wasn't coming back in from outside yet, Remus fell silent beside Sirius, who was giddy with anticipation. He continued his vigil flawlessly until he noticed how quite Remus was being.
"Whats wrong?" He asked. Remus could have listed what was wrong with this whole situation if had wanted to. Instead he looked away.
"I..there...there isn't anything wrong...I just...Don't know if I belong with your group." Remus said softly. He wasn't planning on voicing this to Sirius, it sort of slipped out. Sirius looked over his shoulder at Remus, his face empty of that odd wild look that it normally had. He shook his head.
"Remus, if we didn't want you to be around, you'd know." Sirius turned and looked at him, and an honest smile came across his face. "Welcome to the family."
Remus paused a long moment, then a smile slowly filled his face, making his gold eyes glow softly. Sirius smiled back. From down the hall James ducked out of the class and beckoned to them, and as they ran all Remus could think of was that he had somewhere where he belonged.
Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
"You know Remus, I worry about you."
"I'm fine James..." Remus said softly, pushing his hair back from his pale face. As was usual with him, he was particularly shaky and unfortunate looking. It was well into the middle of their second year at Hogwarts, and Remus had managed to keep his secret hidden from his friends by some miracle. He really couldn't figure out how with how nosy Sirius was getting about the whole situation. The full moon was that night, and he was starting to feel the effects of it. He ran a shaky hand through his hair.
"Remus, you look a little-"
"I'm fine." Remus stressed, turning to look sharply at Sirius, who was eying him strangely. In a way that he never really had before. It was a mix of worry and something bordering curiosity. He stepped a little closer, but dropped the question. His eyes were dark with something that made Remus very uneasy.
There was one thing that came to Remus as his body broke and snapped and cracked into something that no thirteen-year old boy should have to contain. The pure agony was enough to make him want to loose it, to make him give in. He would twist into a shape he loathed with every ounce of his being, and twist out broken, bleeding, and shivering on the floor of the wooden shack. But there was one thing. He had a purpose now. Despite everything he knew, everything he felt, he believed that somehow he would wake up and find himself again. He had hope. Hope that he wouldn't always wake up alone.
He came too in the Hospital Wing. It must have been a particularly bad night, because he had no recollection of how he had gotten to the bed he was lying in. He tried to inhale, but his chest recoiled in pain that made his head spin violently. He was use to waking up cold and confused in a funny smelling hospital gurney. It made him feel more sick, if possible, than he already did. It made him think about all those years he had spent as a child, being hospitalized for his 'condition'. He swallowed hard.
From beyond the curtains that surrounded Remus and hid him from sight. There was some sort of commotion going on. The voices sounded familiar. One was Madame Pomfrey, and the other...his head hurt to much to concentrate on anything for a prolonged period of time. He gave up and assumed someone was fighting some particularly unpleasant treatment. His eyes started to close, his chest raising and falling shallowly. Maybe someday he wouldn't wake up. Maybe someday the stars would fade out and the moon would vanish and his breathing would cease. Maybe he would wake up some day and be free.
"Let me go-"
The curtain swung open and then there was silence.
Remus could smell fear and something familiar and spicy. He opened his eyes and felt his chest twist again as he gasped.
Sirius was standing in the gap between the curtains staring at him, Pomfrey behind him, frozen in the stance that she had been holding him back. His clothes were ruffled, along with his hair, and the look on his face made Remus struggle to grasp what was going on.
"Sirius?"
Sirius walked forward and reached a hand out, stopping short of Remus, then seemed to get over what was holding him back. He brushed a thumb across the bandage on Remus' cheek. Remus stared at him, feeling like he needed to hide under his blankets. The hand on his cheek kept him frozen to the spot.
"You look bloody awful." Sirius said in a funny voice.
"It happens." Remus said weakly. He had a horrible sinking feeling in his stomach. Pomfrey looked at them with an expression that almost confirmed his fears. She tugged the curtain shut, not meeting Remus' gaze.
There is something about being small. Something about being afraid to get attached to anything. There is always that chance that in the end, you will loose it all and be left more alone than you ever where before. This was why he had never let himself get close. He had never let himself fit in.
"Remus-"
"Sirius-"
The two boys looked at each other. Sirius standing awkwardly, his hands now shoved in his pockets and Remus on the bed, under the sheet, wrapped in bandages spotted with blood. Remus looked away. No one had ever come looking for him before when he vanished. They weren't suppose too.
"Remus...I...can I ask you something?" Sirius said slowly. This wasn't the wild, untamable, reckless Sirius from first year, but someone who had learned when to hold his tongue and speak appropriately around those he cared about. He had thought about this, and that scared Remus even more.
"I...I suppose so, yes..." Remus looked at his hands.
"Well I...I notice when you leave you know. For days. We all do, but we couldn't figure out where you went. I guessed in here, but Pomfrey told me there was no reason to be poking around without valid reasons...so I..." Sirius looked as if he was admitting to something dirty and horrible. "I wasn't watching you in a creepy way or anything, but...You get sick sort of like clockwork, and I am pretty sure there isn't flu that results in vomiting yourself into bandages-"
"So you watched my symptoms and researched them?" Remus said calmly as a professor would question a student. He looked up at Sirius, who was looking at his hands.
"Yes."
"And what did you find?" Remus asked just as calmly. He was already steeling himself for the inevitable. He was going to loose his friends, and if he was really unlucky, he would be sent home.
"I..." Sirius looked up and caught Remus' gaze, no longer looking away. "I want to ask you, Remus, are you a werewolf?"
There was a long pause as they looked at each other, eye contact unwavering.
Remus was ready to call it quits. Sirius was smart. He was bound to find out at some point. Remus was ready to give up all dreams of friendship and a normal life. However, there was something deep down, way at the back of his mind, that was telling him to take a chance. Telling him to trust.
"Yes."
There was another long pause before Remus looked away, down at his bandaged hand, not knowing what to do next. He felt sick and terrified.
"Woah..." Sirius breathed, his eyes getting round. He peered down to look into Remus' face. "For real?"
"Yes Sirius, I am a bloody werewolf okay?" Remus felt the walls going up, preparing himself for all the hurt and pain that came with being a monster. He could feel Sirius' eyes on him. Sirius seemed to be thinking, but Remus didn't want to look up and find out.
"You...for how long?"
"Since I was about five. I was bitten while my father was on work in France." Remus replied, still guarded and sullen.
"...And you...you take it all alone?"
The tone in Sirius' voice was unexpected, soft, awed. Remus had been expecting some overly dramatic display of disgust, not something so...sensitive.
"Well...I...people don't usually react well to something like this, so yes. It's my issue..." Remus said, glancing up. The look on Sirius' face took him by surprise and threw of his guard.
"Its painful right? Bloody painful judging by what I read and how you look...and...you just take it, and come to school...and are so bloody nice despite it all..." Sirius said, his face calm and gentle. He touched the bandage on Remus' hand, causing him to flinch.
"I just..I want to have a normal life...like everyone else." Remus bit his lip. "But...but monsters don't get normal lives..."
Sirius' eyes narrowed.
"Remus John Lupin, you are no monster."
The words echoed through his skull, though his heart. No one had ever told him that before. His mother and father tried to ignore the curse that was upon their only son, and everyone else openly feared him who knew, and here was Sirius Black, telling him he was not a monster.
"Than what am I?" He looked at Sirius angrily.
"You are Remus. You are smart, and funny, and you wrinkle your nose when you think to hard, and you eat more chocolate than anyone thinks is healthy and, most importantly, you are my friend."
"I turn into a raging bloody werewolf Sirius!" Remus snapped desperately, slapping his hand away. "I'm a monster! A threat to everyone! I shouldn't even be able to attend this school!" Remus felt like his head would explode if he kept yelling, but his voice got louder with each word. "I'm not NORMAL!" He was shaking now, his heart slamming against his aching ribs, and his bruised fingers digging into the wrapping on his hand. How could Sirius just react calmly like this? It made no sense. Madame Pomfrey opened the curtain, ready to pull Sirius out and to the headmaster's office.
And then something happened.
Sirius leaned forward and pulled Remus into a hug. Even when Remus struggled to get loose he held on.
"You ARE normal! Just a little different!" Sirius held on as Remus fought him. "Remus I don't think you are a monster! I TOLD YOU! YOU ARE PART OF OUR FAMILY REMUS!"
Remus stopped struggling, tears had stung into his eyes and as he clutched Sirius' arms they slid down his cheeks. Pomfrey let the curtains drop with a little smile on her face as she went unnoticed.
"You don't have to be alone! You don't have to fight this alone..." Sirius said with determination.
Remus melted against Sirius' chest, deteriorating into sobs.
"You're not alone anymore Remus. I promise."
"Thank y-you." Remus whispered. "T-thank you."
I got my eyes wide
it's not over yet
We are miracles and
we're not alone
And now after
all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
The air was thick with intoxicating springtime that made all the students of Hogwarts less than attentive to their lessons. The bubbly atmosphere carried to a pair of Sixth years underneath a large blooming oak tree.
"You know what?"
Sirius opened and eye and looked over at Remus, raising an eyebrow. He thought Remus had been reading, but his page hadn't been flipped in some time. Not that he had been listening.
"You are thinking to hard for such a beautiful day?" Sirius asked, re-closing his eyes.
"No...I just...wonder what would have happened if you hadn't made friends with me..." Remus said softly, brushing some of his wispy brown hair from his scarred face.
"You would have continued being Moony. You would have finished a lot more books no doubt." Sirius snorted.
"No...You know...I never thought I would have a place to belong before I met you." Remus shut his book and looked out across the crowded court yard.
"Yeah well...I mean, why are you thinking about all this?" Sirius shifted, pushing off the tree and folding his legs underneath him.
"I..." Remus pondered a moment, "I don't really know, I just am really happy you didn't push me away."
Sirius regarded him a moment, then reach forward and put a hand on Remus' leg, making the gold eyes fix on his gray ones. Remus smiled at him.
"I guess I just spent so much of my time back then thinking about all the reasons I didn't belong. I thought of myself as...as something unlikable-"
"Well people weren't very good to you..." Sirius cut in bitterly.
"-Yes, well they didn't know how to react. I was dangerous. I just..." Remus smiled warmly, his eyes shinning. "I've been searching for some place to belong, Searching for a place to call my own, and I think," He paused a moment, looking at Sirius, "I think I found it."
Sirius' face flushed ever so slightly a moment before he leaned forward and brushed Remus' curls behind his ear. Moving just so slightly, he pressed his lips to Remus in a gentle, warm, loving kiss. The book slid from Remus' hands and he leaned into the kiss, putting his fingtips against Sirius' cheek. The whole spring day burst into warm tingling happiness throughout Remus' body.
After a moment Sirius pulled away and smiled at the breathless Remus and he leaned forward to whispered against his lips.
"Welcome home."
I've got a
brand new mindset
I can finally
see the sunset
I'm gonna
call it home
There is something about being small. The world is very big, and things can be very difficult. You loose hope, and sometimes trying to find hope is nearly impossible.
However,
There is something about love, that makes even the smallest person capable of reaching the stars, instead of watching them fade out. And instead of waking up to each morning wondering where you are. All it takes it one person.
You wake up.
And you are home.
Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home