Troxy. They never used to fight, and now, anytime they talked, all they did was fight.
The Other Shoe
-1-
She had thought that now that Betty was gone--as much as she'd miss her--maybe it would get better. Maybe things with Trevor, things between them would be less awkward, less cramped, and more like it had been before. But it wasn't. God, it was so far from being better, if anything, it was like--like everything was slowly unraveling.
They never used to not talk, and now that was all they did.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked, cautious with her words.
Trevor had been so distant, so unattached lately, she hated to say anything to push him even farther away. She just wished she could help him.
"Nothing to talk about." Trevor responded, his tone flat, as he dropped his cup into the sink, and walked away without another word. She'd never understand, she couldn't, and he didn't want her to understand.
They never used to fight, and now, anytime they talked, all they did was fight.
He was different. So different, and she could handle that. She could handle that her husband had changed because she loved him, she loved Trevor more than she'd ever loved another man, but she couldn't handle her husband not talking to her. She just wanted to try and get things back to normal, or at least as normal as they could get before he was gone again, but how could they ever when he didn't want to talk to her. How could she help him, if she didn't know what the problem was, if she didn't know what was going on inside his head.
Her entire life she'd always fought the problem head on, but this was one she couldn't and it made her feel helpless. She felt more helpless now that Trevor was back than she even did when he was in Iraq. At least then she knew even though he was away, he would be coming back to her; now her husband was right next to her and even farther away than he'd ever been.
"Trevor, you told me. You looked me in the eyes and promised me," Roxy paused, trying to-to-goddamn! She didn't know what in the hell was what anymore. "You promised me that you were going to come back to me."
Was it so bad to want to have things back to the way they had been? To have her life back? To just want to live their lives; her, Trevor, and TJ and Finn. What was so wrong about wanting that back?
"What? God, Roxy what are you even talking about? I'm here, I'm back."
That was the problem after all, wasn't it? He was here, home with his beautiful, gorgeous wife, and his kids, his children who he loved and would lay his life down for all three of them, and all he knew was that he shouldn't be. He didn't want to be.
He didn't even understand that, and realizing it pissed him off. All he wanted when he was away was to be with them. To just be able to hold his wife and tell her how much he loved her, and to spend time with he boys. Take them to the beach, teach Finn how to catch so he could join the softball team, to help TJ with his batting, just be their dad. And it was hard, it was so damn hard, because every time…he felt like he was betraying his unit, his brothers, that he should be with them, fighting.
That didn't make it any less confusing. Roxy and the boys, they were his everything. The only thing he could think of was just wanting to see them all one more time. Just one more 'I love you'…just one more of everything. But now he had it, and as badly as he wanted everything to go back to normal, it couldn't and he couldn't explain it all to her. Maybe in the beginning he would have tried, but Marda's words were still stuck in his head, every time he considered trying to explain it to her. She'd never come around to understanding you wanting to leave her. So, you'd do well to keep that to yourself.
"Trevor its just, I don't get it. I don't. Since when do we not talk? Why can't you talk to me about what's bothering you? It's like I don't even know you anymore."
"I'd really, rather not do this now Rox. Really, there is nothing to talk about."
"Well, I really think there is. I'm worried about you . I…" Roxy stopped there, pausing, since when had just talking to each other became so hard? She just took a deep breath and bit the bullet. "Trevor, I was talking to Roland and I was thinking, if you can't talk to me, maybe you can talk to him. He's more experienced with this kind of thing--"
"Rox. Rox, what--what in the hell are you talking about?" He was trying to be patient, he was trying really god damn hard to be patient but he thought she knew better than that, she couldn't just go off and talk to his C.O.'s husband about them. About him. All she had to do was tell him the wrong thing, and if it got back to the Colonel, that could be the end of his career. "What kind of thing?"
"Whatever it is that you're dealing with, or carrying around that had made things like this. Made it so you can't even talk to me. Your wife."
Trevor scrubbed his hand over his face, trying, trying very hard to understand her. "Jesus, Roxy, what. What exactly did you tell him?"
"That maybe you're not you anymore, Trevor. Maybe you should talk to him, Roland's pretty good with this kind of stuff." She had come this far, what was the point of backing down now? It was more than time to get it all out into the open. "Maybe you're exhibiting some signs of post traumatic disorder."
"God. Roxy, really," Trevor shook his head in disbelief working really hard to stay calm. "What in the world were you thinking? He's not just your friend, that is my commanding officer's husband. If he so much as gives her the word, I could be out of the paratrooper program, out of the Army."
"It was a private conversation Trevor, and I only talked to him because I'm really worried about you. About us. I just thought that if maybe you talk to someone, even if that someone isn't me, things can go back to the way they were. Because sometimes--sometimes its like I don't even know you anymore, and I'm scared, okay?"
His face was blank, expressionless, and she wasn't sure if he was angry…or if he completely ignored what she had said all together. It felt that way sometimes, she'd be talking about something, anything, it didn't really matter what…and she'd turn to him to ask his opinion, or input, or something little like asking him to give the boys a bath, and he'd have no idea what she'd been talking about at all. It was like as soon as she talked, he tuned her out, he was right next to here and not there at all. And that was not the man she married. The man she married was gentle, quiet, thoughtful, sometimes shy, and the most loving, attentive man she knew-that she'd ever known.
"Trevor?"
He was silent, angry, he couldn't believe what she had done. Nothing was wrong, couldn't she understand that? Had she even been thinking when she started in on Roland Burton with all her ideas about him suffering from PTSD. He knew guys that it had happened to, but it just wasn't him. He wasn't beating his wife, he wasn't not showing up when he was supposed to, he wasn't drinking and abusing drugs, he was doing his job--or at least the part of his job that he could do.
"Trevor, please, just talk to him. He even made an opening, he said he can see you to talk today at three if you'd like, and that if today's not good, he has another opening tomorrow."
"Why did you do that, Roxy? For god's sake," His tone was rising steadily and she wondered if he even noticed. Trevor had never yelled before, and now…he was always just angry, disinterested; she wasn't sure which was worse.
"I was worried about you! Okay, I was worried about my husband." Roxy was relieved that the boys were off playing with the Pamela's kids because there had been enough arguing without them listening to this. "Except anymore, its like you just aren't. You are such a different person anymore, I feel like I don't know you at all."
"Trevor please do this," She begged, grabbing the chance while he was still silent. "Do it for me, do it for the boys, god! Do this for us! Because I don't know you anymore, and it scares the hell out of me."
"Then maybe you're right!" Trevor told her, his voice rising significantly, and not caring, not caring at all.
"Trevor, what--what are you talking about?" Roxy asked, her blood running cold at both the tone, and the words. This was not how it was supposed to go, not at all.
"Maybe we didn't know each other at all. Maybe this was all a big mistake. Maybe you're right and we don't really know each other at all." Without another glance in her direction, Trevor spun out on his heel and walked out, the screen door slamming shut, clanging, behind him.
It wasn't until she heard the slam to a close did it hit her. They were fighting, and he was walking out, and everything that was said came crashing down on her.Maybe we didn't know each other at all.
Maybe this was all a big mistake.
Maybe we don't really know each other at all."Oh god," Her words were a murmured prayer, followed by an onslaught of tears. Her entire world was falling apart.
Trevor had never walked out before, they'd fought plenty since he'd gotten back but not like this, never like this.
She felt like someone had been standing over her happiness all this time, just waiting with a hammer and now they dropped it, shattering her happy life into a bunch of little pieces.
Trevor was walking way, and she was crying, and she could feel her heart breaking.
Now, the other shoe finally fell. Everything was broken into so many pieces, unable to ever be mended.
It was over.
It was all just barely beginning to sink in when she heard the rapping sound of someone knocking away at the front door.
Pamela. And the boys.
Time to pull things back together. Pull herself back together. She'd made a life out of bouncing back from bad situations, from taking the pieces and just putting them back together. This wasn't different at all.
Except it was, because no matter how much it hurt., no matter how much she told herself it was the same as any other time, it just wasn't. She loved Trevor, she loved him so much, she had really pictured growing old with him, living a life with him. How was she supposed to just forget it all and throw it all behind her?
She dried her eyes and did her best to straighten herself out before answering the door. She put a smile on, praying to god that her kids would be oblivious.
"Roxy." Pamela immediately saw through the act. She knew the game face better than most, she had spent a good portion of her marriage playing the game face. She turned to the kids. "Go outside to play guys, it's grownup time."