But Only On Her Own.
An Ouran Highschool Host Club Fanfiction
By xxLilMizCaityxx
On her own.
Pretending she's beside him.
All alone.
She walks with him until morning.
Without him, she feels his arms around her.
And when she loses her way, she closes her eyes and he has found her.
-
"Kyouya-kun? Would you like to come for a walk in the grounds with me?"
"Renge-chan, I'm very busy at the moment. Unless it is urgent-"
"Well, my father wants me to run some things by you, wants to see if your father would approve, if that's alright?"
Kyouya stands, and buttons his jacket, his lilac jacket, the school crest golden and impressive, his glasses glinting, shimmering, hiding his eyes, his feelings- and Renge wishes they hid his smirk too.
-
In the rain the pavements shine like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight-
And all she sees is him and her forever and forever.
-
It is cold outside, dark even- it must be later than she thought- and Renge can see her breath, her teeth chatter and she tries not to shiver too wildly. Kyouya is bundled up, his scarf cashmere, caramel in colour, woven with gold, Renge imagines. His outdoor coat is warm, thick, protective, saving him from the wretchedness of the winter, and Renge is imagining the scenario she would mostly dearly love, cherish, adore- to be with him.
"So, what is it you want to discuss?"
"Do you like me?" Renge asks quickly, her eyelashes fluttering, her freezing hands tightly wound together in nervous excitement of his reaction.
And he smiles and says he loves everything about her…
-
But she knows it's only in her mind.
That she's talking to herself and not to him.
And although she knows that he is blind.
Still, she says-
"There's a way for us."
-
Kyouya blinks.
"I beg your pardon?" he asks, confused as Renge seems to have floated away, lost in a whirlwind of fantasy, thought, longing. She smiles at him, and he sees her chattering, freezing, shivering body and the side of himself that has been diseased, polluted and corrupted by Tamaki Suou instructs he drape his jacket around her shoulders. But he sees no benefit for himself through this action, and chooses to survey her with dark eyes. Renge is afraid of him, he knows this. But she is also far too close to him, far too dear to him, and he does not like it one bit.
"There's a way for us, if you do like me, Kyouya-kun."
-
She loves him.
But when the night is over.
He is gone.
The river's just a river.
Without him, the world around her changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.
-
But he does not like her, not the same way she likes him, with longing so acute for him that it has become despair. His eyes betray nothing, his body is still, arched away from her, his heart so cold already that the biting, icy, freezing weather does not affect him.
"What if I did Renge-chan? What would you do then? What would you expect me to do? I cannot live up to the eccentric antics of Princely-characters, and I am not like Haruhi Fujioka. You don't know what you're saying."
Renge swears she hears a note of sorrow, angst, anguish in his words and she reaches out to clasp his hand. Her own is almost blue with the frigid weather, and his highest quality, grand leather is cold too, and does her no good- but she doesn't care, because she loves him. She loves him so much, it hurts, it burns, makes her feel so alive she wants to screech, roar and weep.
He shakes his head and pulls away, his steps unsteady, and broken as he leaves her side, harder than she will ever know for him to do so.
It breaks his heart that he cannot make her happy. The infamous Shadow King would only upset, and depress her, and he never wants Renge to be sad. He wants to see her smiling face all the time.
-
She loves him.
But every days she's learning.
All her life, she only been pretending.
Without her, his world will go on turning.
A world that's full of happiness that she has never known.
-
Renge stands in the cold on her own and watches him walk away, closer to the school and the Host Club he cherishes, further and further from her when she needs him most.
She knew this would happen. She knows that Kyouya is proper, he is articulate, he is well-educated and he is cunning.
She is none of these things. She is eccentric, she is bold, she is loud and despite her fine breeding, she is naïve. She is Renge Houshakuji and without her, his world will go on turning and she will be left to the side, even though she adores him, and longs for him and knows, secretly, in her heart of hearts, that maybe, perhaps- he loves her too.
That is why she does not give up.
Even if some would say it was a pitiful existence. She does not give up loving, or yearning for him even if she must do it on her own.
She will do it better than anyone.
And she will have him.
-
She loves him.
She loves him.
She loves him.
But only on her own.
A/N: I adore these two. Was listening to this song when the new season of Glee came on, and this little baby was born. It's kinda sad, isn't it?! T-T I can't seem to write anything but sadness for these guys! But, nonetheless- I hope you enjoyed and will leave a review :) Thanks :)