Derek closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against the leather of his steering wheel and trying to clear his thoughts. He knew that he didn't have much time, but he had to do this. It had become sort of a ritual for him to give himself a small pep-talk before a date. Only three people knew of this small part of his life, but he wouldn't dream of telling them his reasoning behind it. They probably thought he was shallow and egotistical. But he was far from it.
Derek Morgan was known to be a womanizer. Or something of the sort. The thing is, he wasn't necessarily bad looking, and he knew it. His looks… It was one of the few things he had that he could take pride in. And the company of a beautiful woman? He wasn't going to turn it down. His teammates, his family… He was perfectly happy with them thinking that he was some sort of dog. Derek was almost certain that every single one of them thought of him that way. It was better than them knowing the truth. His breath caught in his throat as he tried his hardest to push aside the thoughts that were invading his head.
"You're strong…" He told himself aloud, his voice faltering more than it normally would have. It was ironic that this particular phrase always made him feel better. He was strong. Physically, anyway. He sensed those pesky thoughts creeping up on him again, and Derek shook his head. He knew that the rest of his teammates were aware of his past with Buford. Still, the thought of them actually knowing… It terrified him. They give him a hard time about being with so many women, but if they knew… If the only knew…
"You're worth something…" He squeezed his eyes shut again, the coolness of the leather against his forehead almost soothing his horrible thoughts. Each of those thoughts were nothing but the truth, though. He took a deep breath. The truth? The honest to God truth was that Derek needed to feel the way that those women made him feel. Strong, a vital part of their survival. He would never actually tell them the way that they made him feel, though. With every touch, every kiss, every caress, Derek forgot about the way that man had made him feel.
"You're more than he made you out to be." His voice cracked again, and Derek took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself. He had never been able to wipe off the feeling of that man's hands on him. He had always felt dirty, unworthy of anything that he had earned himself over the entire span of his life. Because of Carl Buford. Derek felt a small sense of hopelessness flood through him and he lifted his head from the steering wheel.
"You're strong, you're worth something, and you're more than he made you out to be." He repeated the words shaking his head as he opened the door to step into the crisp January air. He looked over the house that he was standing before. Derek paused for a quick moment to wipe at his eyes before striding up to the door. When the woman opened it, Derek smiled in that charming way of his, and the sight of the blood pooling into the woman's cheeks was all he needed.
He leaned in to connect their lips, and she pulled him inside. And, even if it was just for tonight, all of Derek's worries faded.