What-If

Beverly sat on her desk staring into the void over her PADD. The cup of tea she had gotten herself, when she had come back from her shift untouched. The amber liquid cold. Her mind had been drifting away. Drifting towards the incidents, that had occurred on the Enterprise only very recently. A wave of aggression among the crew triggered by one man. One man, who lost control over his emotions. Emotions so strong to shake the crew of a Galaxy Class Starship of over 1000 people.

She couldn't help but thinking what impact the mind meld between Jean Luc Picard and Sarek had on her Captain. He seemed to be fine again when the link was broken, but she is always a bit overprotective when it comes to Jean Luc. Maybe because they have been friends for so long, maybe because he was the Captain, but most likely she had other, more personal reason to worry. This flow of Vulcan emotion had shaken him. Had shaken his soul, and his body. She only too well remembered the state he was in and that she was the only one to witness.

She took up her cup of tea. However noticing that it had become cold she sat the cup down on the small tray and got up to bring it back into the small kitchen. Her eyes met her medical kit. Before allowing herself even the idea of a doubt, she took it up and started to move into the direction of the door. She was worried for the Captain and she wanted to see him.

To most of the people he seemed to be his normal self. Beverly guessed, that he might even have fooled Deanna, but Beverly had noticed that he seemed keeping more to himself, being lost in thoughts when he was too himself. She just wanted to check out on him. Talk to him. See whether she would manage to crack his outer barrier. She brushed a strain of hair out of her face, took a deep breath to swallow the lump in her throat and continued to move to the door. When the door opened she took a big step and turned left towards the nearest turbo lift to all of a sudden stand in front of the one person she was heading for.

They both stopped, looking surprised into each other's eyes. It was late and both were astonished to meet just in front of Beverly quarters.

„What ..", both started to say simultaneously and broke off, noticing that they fell into eachothers word.

Jean Luc looked down and noticed her carrying her medkit.

„Uhh, are you on your way to see a patient", he inquired looking up into her eyes again.

She looked at him questioningly. Jean luck raised his eyebrow and pointed to the medkit.

„Oh, well. No", she stuttered.

„Or rather yes. Yes. Actually I was on the way to see you", she said trying to steady her voice.

„But I am feeling rather well", Jean Luc said, answering her last comment.

Why was she so nervous all of a sudden. Is she not allowed to walk around on this starship with her medkit. Is she not allowed to worry over a patient? Why did he make her so insecure? Come on Beverly! You are not stupid nor are you doing anything illegal and you have every right and reason to be worried for a friend! And what the heck is he doing here?

„So where are you headed Captain?"

Beverly inquired raising her eyebrow in her Doctors manner.

„Uh .. I. I was actually headed in your direction. I wondered whether you had some time. Time to ..", he trailed of.

„Time to.." Beverly asked.

„Time to talk. I have so much on my mind after this mind meld with Sarek. I need to talk some stuff through."

Jean Luc answered.

Beverly hesitated.

„Don't you think Deanna is the right person in that case?" she asked carefully.

Jean Luc shook his head.

„Beverly. I don't need a Counsellor. I need a friend", and then his voice barely above a whisper he added.

„I need you."

Beverly brushed her hand over his upper arm.

„Come."

They went into her cabin. Beverly got them a cup of tea and both went over to her living room area to get comfortable. Beverly slipped out of her boots and took her usual seat in the corner of the sofa. Pulling her legs up under her body, leaning on the back of the sofa. Jean Luc normally would take his seat in the big chair across from her. They had spend many time like that, having a drink, chatting, listening to music together. But Jean luck was still standing. He started to pace around. Had she not known him better, she would have accused him of being nervous.

She patiently waited for him to start the conversation. Finally it seemed he made up his mind. He stopped pacing and looked out through the viewport.

„Beverly", he spoke out her name, but not turning towards her.

„Are you thinking about the past a lot. Choice you took, decisions you made, paths not taken?" he asked turning his face towards her but still standing.

Beverly looked him straight in the eye. She padded on the sofa next to her to make him sit down. He seemed bothered and obviously he was doing those things right now. Wondering about choices and decisions.

Hesitantly he sat down next to her he placed his arm on the back of the sofa so he would be comfortably look into her direction. This was new. He had always wanted to change sides but it never seemed the right thing to do. But now it was her inviting him over.

„Jean Luc. I do think about my past. I think about the good time, things I learned. People I met. Friendships I lost and found but already long ago I stopped playing What-If-Games. When Jack died I grieved and during the first months I got eaten up by this what-if. I had lost my parents when I was very young, you know … what-if .. then Jack .. I was running in circles around myself. Not being able to think straight anymore. I almost lost my mind. But then I talked to my grandmother. You never got to know her. I grew up at her home and she is a very wise woman. I learned very much from her and I think we are both quite alike. She sat my head straight. That is when I decided, that the past is gone and there is no what-ifs to be asked anymore. That cannot change anything. But I can build a future. And that is what I have been doing since then."

She stopped to give him a chance to talk out what is on his mind. He nodded but then turned to look out into space again. They sat in silence for a little while. But after some quiet moments Beverly leaned forward to brush over his hand to bring him back to here form wherever distant place he was.

„What is bothering you Jean Luc?"

He turns to look her in the eyes again.

„Sarek was grieving his relationship towards his family a lot, his feelings towards his wife and his son and that made me think about my family. About my father."

He paused.

„He died long ago. He was utterly disappointed in me. I did not turn out the way he wanted me and although I am where I want to be, although I am who I want to be and I am sure that it was the right choice for me to leave home I am still wondering if I'd be happier had I not disappointed him."

He paused again.

„Jean Luc! You are who you are. And it is not any kids purpose to please their parents. Don't do that to you!"

He smiles at her.

„You are right. And I know it. I know you are right and I know the path I have taken is the right one. Still…."

He looks into the stars.

"In a way I cannot believe myself these days. I have never been one to let my life be influenced by the past. And now look at me..." he paused as to think how to continue.

"This link with Sarek stirred up my past and made me wonder about the future."

He fell silent again.

„Still I wish he could have been happy for me."

"Your father?" Beverly questioned trying to follow his thoughts.

He nodded.

„Maybe he was. Maybe he was even proud of his son?"

Jean Luc lets out a laugh.

„That I doubt. But well. I guess if I had stayed at home and become what he intended me to become we would have killed each other."

Beverly gave him a smirk.

„And after all, at least Robert is the son he always wanted." he added and one could hear the hurt in his voice.

„Robert is your brother, isn't he", Beverly inquired.

Jean Luc nodded.

„I haven't seen him in 15 years and then we had nothing better to do than to fight. He is married and has a son. René. I haven't even seen his son."

„But you do miss him?"

Jean Luc took some time to think and then nodded.

„Yes, I actually do miss him. We might be fighting about everything but he's my brother."

Beverly laid her head to the side. She let some moment pass, then she started.

„Why don't you go visit him next time you have some time. See him, Talk to him. Spend some time with him. Get to know your nephew?"

Jean Luc takes some time to think again. At first he was puzzled by her answer but after some thinking that did not seem to be a bad idea. He hesitated.

„Yes. I think I will do that."

Beverly gives him a content smile.

„Thank you Beverly."

She shakes her head.

„You don't have to thank me."

He nods than he dropped silent again to look out to the stars. Beverly looked at him. Studying his feature. Losing herself in the depth of his eyes that are longingly looking into the eternity of the universe. It takes him several minutes, but then he turns towards her, his voice barley a whisper.

„Would you come with me?"

She turns to him. Not understanding what he said. Oh yes, she understood the words but what did he want from her.

„To France?"She asks her voice shaking.

Jean Luc nods.

„I would love to show you where I grew up. It is very beautiful. I think you will really like it there."

He pauses thinking, hoping she will come.

„I hope you will like it."

He hesitates once more but then continues.

"I'd like to have you around."

Beverly's mind is running. She would love to come but then again. This was his home. This was a bit too private. But then again. What are we doing here now? Isn't that very private too. He is pouring out his inner feelings about his family towards her. His hurt. His doubt. His grieving. Finally she nodded.

„I'd be honored to."

Jean Luc lets out a sigh of relief. It was only than, that he noticed that he had held his breath since he spoke out his last sentence. They fall into silence again.

„Thank you", Jean Luc whispered turning his head to gaze into the stars again.

They sat in comfortable silence sipping tea, looking out to the stars. When their tea was finished Beverly got up to refill the cups. Jean Luc followed her with his eyes. He smiled contently. When she caught his smile she smiled back, sitting down on the sofa again. They were both enjoying being here together. Knowing the other one is there. Knowing the other one understands.

Beverly looked out again feeling his presence. Enjoying sitting here with him. He turned his head and started studying her face. Her red hair framing her porcelain skin. Her slim nose. Her beautiful lips and intense blue eyes. He can never get enough of her. What-If. Yes. What-If! What-If he just pronounced the words. What-if he spoke out what he felt for her.

She felt his gaze on her. What now. She wanted him to leave. She wanted him to stay. She didn't know what she wanted. He was there. Sitting in her quarters. He stripped down to his innermost feelings. She started to get scared. What-if. The universal question. She slowly turned to face him again.

"Jean Luc?"

She said in a soft voice.

"Are you all right?"

Jean Luc smiled at her.

"Yes. Thank you Beverly. Thank you for listening!"

She smiled back.

"You are very welcome",

She answered her voice soft.

A lot had happened since they were reunited. He had become her friend. They trusted each other and she considered him to be the most important person in her life here on board. Well, of course she had Wesley, but that was a different kind of importance. But there something more.

Something she had been suppressing carefully during those last months since she has been back on the Enterprise. Something that made her heart beat faster and that she was scared of. Scared because it was dangerous. Scared because it had a potential to be something wonderful but she had lost so many people she loved already.

She started to shift uncomfortably. Can he not just leave? But he was sitting there on her sofa. He did not show any intention to go. Please go. This was too dangerous. They were starting to be too close. He still kept staring towards her.

Slowly she turned her face around to look him in the eyes. What she found there touched her innermost emotions. The impression it had on her was so intense, she needed to break eye contact. She looked down into his lap, studying his fingers. They were short but strong. Strong enough to hold onto her, whatever there would come.

He started to lean towards her. Ever so slowly he lifted his hand to brush a strain from her face. Her eyes followed his hands. Then he cupped her face gently stroking her cheekbone. She was amazed how soft and gentle his touch was. She felt completely lost.

"Beverly", he whispered.

„ What if I kissed you? What if I told you that I loved you? What if I ..."

Beverly swallowed hard. He was so close, only an inch away.

„Stop it Jean Luc", she whispered a tear slipping down her cheek.

He looked at her. Not moving his hand from her cheek he brushed the tear away with his thumb. She shook her head.

„No more what if, Jean Luc!"

She smiled weakly. He nodded.

„You are right", he answered.

He moved back some inches and looked her straight in the eyes.

„Permission to kiss the doctor", he asked grinning.

Beverly grinned back.

"Permission granted. Captain."