Destiel AU
Castiel heard the phone click back onto the receiver. He craned his head over the sofa, his eyes seeking out Dean, expecting to see him walk from the kitchen and back into their small living and dining room. He squinted, tilting his head, as no such movement was noticeable. Craning his head a little more for a few seconds, Cas sighed, turning back to the paused screen on their TV and looking at it but not really taking the stilled scene in.
Fiddling with his thumbs he wondered whether to stay sat on their sofa and wait for Dean to come to him or not. With no sound of shuffled feet or angry mutters coming from the kitchen, a sudden worry settling in his stomach made his decision for him and he slowly stood, calling out for Dean.
With no answer, Cas leaned over the table and clicked the television off before moving into an empty kitchen.
"Dean?" Cas whispered, not expecting a reply but wanting one. What he wanted was for Dean to jump around the corner with a wide smile spread onto his face, his arms open wide inviting Cas for a hug, and an extra sparkle back in his emerald eyes. Though Cas knew that wouldn't happen, but the crack in his whispering voice desperately wanted it to.
Hearing movement upstairs, Cas left the kitchen and headed for their single bedroomed and en-suite first floor. He hovered outside their bedroom door before tapping on it tentatively. With no answer, he slowly opened the door to an empty room but the sound of the shower running.
He walked around the side of their double bed, and pushed a pile of Dean's clothes to the side with his foot.
Taking a deep breath he took a step forward and placed his forehead on the bathroom door, and knocked three times.
"Dean?" The sound of water hitting against the shower bottom drowned out Cas' voice so he tried again. "Dean…Can I come in?"
With no answer, and no sounds of movement, Cas turned the bathroom doorknob and sighed in relief when it gave way and allowed the door to slide open.
A wall of steam hit Cas in the face as he walked in, and the heat caused beads of sweat to break out on the back of his neck. Cas squinted to see through the steam and held his breath as he watched his lover.
Through the plastic shower door Dean could be seen under the stream with his forehead resting against the cool, white bathroom tiles. Cas wasn't sure how long it had been since Dean had moved, but his hair was flopped forward onto his face and large droplets dripped down his face. It had been a long time since Dean had had his hair cut, but Cas didn't really mind as he liked the way it felt when his fingers tangled in amongst it.
He frowned as Dean didn't even notice his presence, but not because he wanted Dean's attention, but because Dean to have his attention on something, just anything other than the events of the last week.
He silently shrugged off his jacket and let it fall into the floor in the corner. He pulled off his shirt and kicked off his jeans and boxers, all whilst watching Dean do nothing. He didn't even see Dean open his eyes, or even twitch his toes.
The shower door only covered half the bathtub, so Cas stepped silently into the bathtub and hovered behind Dean, soaking his feet in the water and feeling warm beneath the steam. He reached out a hand to touch Dean's shoulder, but just didn't feel like it would be enough. Instead, he stepped forward into Dean's space and placed both of his hands on Dean's arms as he kissed Dean's soaking wet neck. He felt Dean stiffen under the shock of his cold touch, but his skin relaxed under the touch of his lips. He kissed along Dean's shoulder blades, stroking his arms with his thumb softly, only stopping when he heard Dean's sobs.
"Cas…" Dean's voice broke as he slowly turned to face Cas, and his eyes were bloodshot red, salty tears mixing on his face amongst the droplets of pure water from the shower. The sight of him broke Cas' heart.
He pushed Dean's hair off from out of his face and rested his hand on the nape of his neck, and used his other hand to cup Dean's face. Closing his eyes he stepped into the stream of the water to press his lips against Dean's in a soft, chaste kiss. Dean tried, he really tried, to kiss Cas back, but his face fell and his sobs grew heavier until he couldn't control his own movements anymore. Cas bent his knees and held Dean against his chest as the two of them felt to the floor of the shower. Dean curled into Cas's chest as Cas leant against the bathtub with Dean in between his legs. Cas hushed him, stroking his hair and the tips of his ears with one hand and soothing his back with the other. Cas let Dean cry as he has tried so hard to keep it hidden this past week, but instead kept all the sorrow and hurt tucked away inside, just like he always did. Cas had promised himself though that he would be there when Dean needed to just let it go, so here he was. He mumbled sweet apologies into Dean's forehead as he kissed it, and they stayed there until the water began to run cold.
Cas leant over the taps and shut them off and rubbed his hands up and down Dean's body, keeping him warm.
"How's about we go to bed, hm?" Despite it being three in the afternoon, Dean silently nodded and followed Cas out of the bathtub. Cas wrapped a towel around his own middle before seating Dean on the edge of the bathtub. Carefully he grabbed a towel and set it around Dean's shoulders, using it towel dry his hair and wipe tears from his face that had almost stopped falling. He used another towel and knelt down in front of Dean, drying his legs, then his waist and then his upper torso. He stood and held a hand out to Dean, helping him up, before tying the towel round the man's middle.
As they made their way out of the bathroom and onto the bed, Dean gripped Cas' hand tightly, feeling like a child but not even slightly caring because it was Cas and if there was anyone he could be vulnerable in front of, it was his Cas.
Dean sat on the edge of the bed as Cas took his towel from him and opened the bedside drawer and took out two pairs of boxers. Quickly stepping into his, he passed Dean a pair and watched him shuffle into them. Cas pulled back the quilt on their bed and watched as Dean crawled in, facing away from him and curling his knees up to his chest. Anyone else would think this was a sign of wanting to be alone, of wanting to be ignored, but Cas knew this was Dean's invitation to Cas to join him, and to be close to him and Cas was willing to oblige – anything to let Dean know that he was there.
Cas slipped under the covers, and laid up against Dean, wrapping his body around his lovers, his chest plastered against Dean's back. He tucked the covers around their bodies tightly before snaking an arm around Dean's waist and meeting Dean's hand on the other side, tangling their fingers together.
They lay in silence for several minutes before Cas kissed Dean's shoulder and spoke up,
"What happened, Dean?" Cas' voice broke as he felt Dean tense up around him but he kissed Dean's hairline on his neck and felt the man relax in his arms again.
"It was Dad." Dean's voice was quiet, sorrowful, but also hoarse. Cas sighed as he listened to Dean sniff. It had been three days since Dean had spoken to him. Cas respected his silence. He knew he would be the same if he had gone through what Dean had, but still, it was a relief to hear his voice again without the sound of the shower drowning it. "Wanted to know when I was back at work." Cas tensed at this, feeling the anger from the pit in his stomach threatening to erupt up his throat and out of his lips, but he swallowed and forced it back down as Dean continued to talk. "Said he needed the staff desperately now that Sammy's…." Cas hushed Dean silently with a simple stroke of his thumb across his knuckles.
"Take it slowly, Dean." Cas smiled silently into Dean's shoulder blades, "It's okay."
"I just can't believe him, Cas. Why would he even ask me that?" Dean sighed, "We haven't even…it hasn't been…" Dean stiffened as he struggled to get his words out, and as much as he tried they wouldn't flow calmly but instead were an epidemic of anger and hurt, "Sam's body is still in the morgue and we haven't even said goodbye yet, Cas! We haven't said….I haven't said goodbye to him!" Cas rolled away and brought Dean with him, causing Dean's body to face him and he tucked Dean's head into his chest, as he lay flat on his back. He cradled Dean's torso and kissed his forehead as Dean sobbed into him. This was a different type of crying though. In the shower Dean was broken, he was lost and he needed Cas to find him, and for Cas to hold him and dry him and bring him to their bed of comfort. Now, all that was left was anger, and Cas was willing to soak up Dean's tears if it meant that one day Dean would be happy again.
"I know, Dean. I know."
"I told him that. I told him that he could stick his frigging job where the sun don't shine and that I didn't want him at the funeral." Dean spat, his eyes tightly shut as he clenched a pillow in his fists. "I don't want him there, Cas." He looked up at Cas, consistently shaking his head. "I don't want him there, Sammy wouldn't want him there…hell, I know Jess doesn't want him there."
"He won't be there Dean. I won't let him hurt you anymore, baby." Cas kissed Dean's forehead and cupped his face, his thumb rubbing softly at the reminder of John's anger across Dean's eye. The bruise was going down now, a week after John had planted it there. "He's not going to hurt you."
"I miss Sam, Cas. I miss the dumb son of a bitch and it's never going to stop hurting." Cas felt a tear roll down his own cheek. He missed Sam too. He missed his laugh, and he missed his sheer kindness. He missed the way that he and Dean would bicker but after talking it out over a beer on the hood of the impala then they would be fine again. He missed stories of the cases Sam was allowed to talk about at home, and how he would go deep into the different spirals of law with Cas because Dean would find it boring (or just wouldn't understand it) and Jess heard enough of it everyday. He missed watching the companionship he and Jess shared, and missed their talks about the future with their wedding plans that were organised to come together this summer, and their stories of what house they would buy and what they would name their children.
"I know, Dean." Cas sniffed as Dean kissed away the tears from his cheek.
"Dad doesn't give a flying shit."
"Has he ever?" Cas sighed, truthfully and watched as the realisation dawned in Dean's eyes. Dean just shook his head. "You're better off without him, Dean. You don't need your Dad in your life anymore. He's shown you that, now. You can get a new job, a better job. You having nothing left to tie you to him anymore." Dean just nodded again.
"Sammy's been saying that all along." Dean scoffed. "He said in between his law cases he used to hate working part time with Dad, but only did it because I did it. He knew Dad needed the extra work, so instead of watching me plummet myself into the ground with extra hours, Sam picked up a few…fucking son of a bitch, why'd he have to get knocked over for, Cas? What did he have to die on me for?"
"Shh, baby. It's okay." Dean buried himself in the crook of Cas' neck again, and punched the pillow beside him.
"I'm so pissed at him, Cas. So pissed off." Cas held him as his body shook in the wake of anger and hushed him with the strokes of his hands over his back.
"It's okay to be angry, Dean."
"Why'd he have to get knocked over for though? Since he could frigging walk I've told him to look twice when crossing the road. I'd be the one holding his hand whilst he did it as Dad was getting slaughtered in the pub. Couldn't even teach my own stupid kid brother to cross the road safely, could I?"
Cas pulled away slightly and took Dean's face in both of his hands, forcing him to look at him. "Listen to me, Dean. This is not your fault. This is not Sam's fault. This is that stupid son of bitch's fault who didn't look where he was driving. Okay?" Dean just nodded. "You are stronger than this, dammit Dean."
"I'm not, Cas. He was my rock, he was…"
"Dean, I know. I really know. You can get through this though. And in a few days time you're going to stand up in that church, and say that most magnificent speech that I found hidden in the kitchen drawer," Dean smirked and blushed at this, "and have me holding your hand on one side, and Jess on the other, with Sammy smiling down at you and we're going to be so proud of you." Dean nodded, his lips turning up into a sad smile. "I am proud of you. I really am Dean."
Dean sighed and leant forward, kissing Cas softly on the lips before kissing his nose, both his eyelids and cheeks, before kissing his mouth once again. "What would I ever do without you, Cas?"
Cas smiled, "Crash and burn."
Dean smiled back and kissed Cas hard on the mouth before resting his chin on Cas' chest and looking up at him with a slight new spark in his eyes that Cas hasn't seen since the policemen knocked on their door to deliver the news about Sam. He stroked Dean's cheek.
"Is it ever going to stop hurting, Cas?" Dean asked, a hint of true worry hidden deep within his voice.
Cas sighed, "I don't know Dean," He whispered truthfully into Dean's cheek, "But in the mean time, I'll be here."
Dean smiled, kissing Cas' bare chest, "Thank you for fixing me, Cas."
"You were never broken, Dean. You could never be broken."
Dean agreed, the sparkle in his eye growing stronger, "No, I couldn't. Not with you by my side."
Cas could say nothing to this so instead leaned forward and placed a kiss on Dean's forehead "You know Sam was proud of you, right? And that he loved you?"
"I know." Dean nodded.
"So do I, Dean."
"I know." Leaning upwards, Dean captured Cas' lips in a way that reciprocated the love and Cas smiled into it, knowing that from here onwards Dean would grow stronger and one day that sparkle in his eyes would shine brighter than it had done before.