Buster Plays the Field

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Sparky tries to get Buster back on the dating scene, which leads to a confrontation with an old friend. Meanwhile, RK and Wade try to help Anna get over her intense fear of burgers.

1. Buster Plays the Field Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 16

Airdate: January 22, 2017

"Buster Plays the Field"

#TYH514

SCENE 1

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is watching TV sometime in the afternoon when Sparky walks in.

BUSTER: Oh. Hey Sparky.

SPARKY: Buster, you haven't moved from that spot since I saw you yesterday. This is awful.

BUSTER: That's not true. I actually went to the bathroom twenty minutes ago. But then I got tired, so I just got an empty bottle and now I'm going to wait for the next passing.

SPARKY: Okay, gross. Look, why don't you do something other than watching TV all the time?

BUSTER: Hey, watching PAW Patrol has helped me learn about teamwork, problem-solving, and how to train a bunch of dogs to put the cops out of business. Wait, has anyone ever done that before? Train a bunch of dogs? I can be the first one!

Sparky shakes his head and turns off the TV.

BUSTER: You monster! That was the episode with the Pup Pup Boogie!

SPARKY: Buster, all weekend long, you've been watching reruns of Nick Jr. shows. It's time to take a break. You know, come out and play, hang out with your friends?

BUSTER: Oh, that will solve my sinus problem.

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: I'm sorry, I'm not exactly sure what we're talking about here.

SPARKY: Come on, man, I'm worried about you. You can't sit here in your condo forever.

BUSTER: What if I build a robot version of me and leave it here to watch TV forever? Will that count?

SPARKY: No, that's cheating.

BUSTER: Well, in that case, I think I'll stay here. What's the point of going outside seeing people hold hands and fat kids chase down ice cream trucks? That's not the life for me.

SPARKY: You know, you could always try getting a girlfriend. Then you'll have something to do.

BUSTER: Eh, I don't think so.

SPARKY: Hey, you have nothing to lose. I mean, ever since Diana, you've been a little empty inside.

BUSTER: How do you know how I feel?

SPARKY: Because last week, you texted me saying ever since Diana, you've been a little empty inside.

BUSTER: Well, that does sound like my handwriting. I don't know, Sparky, I would feel weird trying to talk to girls.

SPARKY: Don't worry, buddy, I'll help you out. By the time I'm through, you'll have a date for every day of the week.

BUSTER: I really hope I'm not going out on bath night because then, I won't talk to you anymore.

SCENE 2

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

The next day after school, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are at Ike's drinking milkshakes.

RK: So you see, I knew what I wanted. And when I know what I gotta get, I get what I want. You know what I'm saying?

JAYLYNN: We've been here for twenty minutes and that's the first thing you decide to say?

RK shrugs, and Wade gets a phone call at that point which he picks up.

WADE: Hey Adriana, what's up? You have a spider? Well, just grab a napkin and hold it down. It dies on contact. No, I'm with the guys, I can't come. And I have homework later. Adriana, you're acting with emotions and not logic. Think about what you're saying. Hello?

JAYLYNN: What was that all about?

WADE: Ah, Adriana wanted me to leave this place just so I could come to her house and kill a spider. It's just not a very sensible proposition.

RK: Ah, Wade, my boy. Consider this a failure. You get an F on your assignment.

WADE: Wade Saltalamacchia does not fail assignments! You better let me know where you get off with slander like that!

RK: Relax, man, I'm just saying that Adriana called you for a reason. You're the guy in the relationship. She wanted you to kill the spider because she wanted to know you would protect her. But you didn't want to. Now she can't look at you the same way.

WADE: Don't you think you're making an absurd assumption?

JAYLYNN: Ah, I have to side with RK on this one. I think you should have killed the spider. I mean, for all we know, Adriana could have arachnophobia or something.

WADE: She doesn't, last time I checked. Or does she?

RK: Well, if she does, at least her fear is normal. Anna's afraid of burgers.

Beat.

WADE: What?

RK: No, I wasn't talking to you.

JAYLYNN: No, you said Anna's afraid of burgers?

RK: Yes, ma'am.

WADE: But why?

RK: Well, you remember that one time Adriana fell down the stairs and you stayed the night with her so she could feel better?

WADE: Of course.

RK: Well, it turns out that Anna was eating a burger when it happened. Ever since then, she gets shook to death whenever she sees one. It's really depressing. So, who's up for another round? I'm buying.

JAYLYNN: RK, don't you think you should help Anna get over her fear? That doesn't sound healthy.

RK: Well, it's not like I haven't tried. I coached her, told her to go to therapy, but she won't listen to me. Last time I brought it up, she threatened to stab me in the throat with her pen. I don't know, the point is, I should just take the L and let things be.

WADE: Oh no, things don't have to be that way. Anna's going to be scarfing down six Big Macs by the time I'm through with her.

RK: Wait, you really think you can get through to her?

WADE: Of course I can. This is just a simple case of classical conditioning. Don't worry, I'll make sure Anna gets over her fear.

RK: Thanks Wade. You know, it really pays off to have a genius as your best friend.

JAYLYNN: If he's a genius, then what am I?

RK: A pain in my ass.

JAYLYNN: Ugh, why do you always have to be a dickhead?

RK: Why do you always have to ask me questions knowing you won't like the answer to them?

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster stands by Sparky while he puts things away in his locker. Buster looks nervous and starts tugging at his collar.

BUSTER: Sparky, I don't know about this at all. This can only end in total disaster!

SPARKY: Buster, you need to relax. You're a great guy, I know we're going to get you a great girl.

BUSTER: That's not what I'm scared of, bro. Today at breakfast, I had a bowl of corn flakes and I loved it! But I usually eat Cocoa Puffs. What if the Cocoa Puffs find out I've been stepping out on them? They're going to hate me forever!

SPARKY: Buster, we talked about this already. Cereal's not real. It's zombies, monsters under your bed and Republicans you should be afraid of. Now let's go hunting for some ladies, ah?

BUSTER: I don't know about that either. I mean, shouldn't the girl be someone that I would personally want to be with?

SPARKY: Well, that's true. We have to find the right girl for you. Okay, what does Buster Newman look for in his babes?

BUSTER: Um, she has to be sweet. That's important. I want to talk to her about anything. I don't want to be scared of telling her that I once thought spaghetti and worms are the same. And, uh...ooh, she has to be smart. I don't want any girl that can't keep up with me. You know what that's like to talk to someone day in and day out and it's like, they just don't have all of it in their brain?

SPARKY: I might be able to know what that's like. Okay, let's run down the list. You want a sweet girl, a caring girl, and an intelligent girl.

BUSTER: Oh, and she has to like video games. That's the litmus test if you want a piece of Buster.

SPARKY: Alright, that's something. A make or break question really helps us narrow things down. Okay, Romeo, let's get you a Juliet.

BUSTER: What?

Beat.

SPARKY: Nothing.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunchtime, Sparky is going around table to table with a clipboard in his hand and a pencil in his ear, inspecting the fourth grade girls.

SPARKY: Mm-hmm. Plenty of activity is afoot. Promising research indeed.

Cut to the guys at the lunch table.

RK: What the hell is Sparky doing? Is he trying to audition for that reality show with the detective agency?

BUSTER: He's trying to get me a girlfriend.

RK: Well, that was my third guess.

JAYLYNN: Alright, my man Buster's getting back in the game. You see any girls you like?

BUSTER: Well, between all four of us, I always kinda had a thing for Sanna...a little bit, not a lot.

JAYLYNN: Hey, nice taste. You know, I would vouch for you but I'm not down with Sanna like that. But I'm down with Ashley so I could let her know, and then she could get at Sanna since they're down so you know, it all works out.

RK: I'm seriously wondering if there's a button I could press so you can shut the hell up.

JAYLYNN: You're a jackass.

RK: I know you are, but what am I?

WADE: Hey Buster, if you're curious, I have some great pointers on how to deal with the ladies. But only if you want them.

RK: Just don't tell him about protecting them. It sends a bad message.

WADE: Be quiet, dude.

BUSTER: Well, what's one of the pointers?

WADE: Eye contact. I learned with Adriana that looking directly at her really helps. The girl has to trust you and know you're paying attention to what she's saying.

RK: But what if the girl needs something from you and Buster's not interested in doing it? What does Buster do?

WADE: Okay, girl guru, since you want to take all these cheap shots, let's see what tips you have for our friend.

RK: Tips? Please, I have so many tips, they don't call them Q-Tips. They call 'em Q-Jennings. Because my tips clean out your ears and shit.

JAYLYNN: Wack.

WADE: Okay, Q-Jennings, clean out Buster's ears then.

BUSTER: I don't want anybody touching my ears!

RK: Don't worry, this is just a girl tip. One thing I can tell you is they love it when you buy stuff. Nothing drives a girl crazier than a big spender. So you better make sure your paper is long. Spend anything on her. Candy, food, rings from the gumball machines at the laundromat. She'll go nuts. Also, right before you spend anything, tell her she's worthless and she's not taking nothing from you. It keeps her under your thumb like a starving country beneath a Russian guy. Follow these tips, and you'll have no problem cracking on the girlies.

Cut to Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn's confused/disinterested open-mouthed stares. Cut back to RK.

RK: What? You're acting like you've never done these things before.

Sparky walks back to the table.

SPARKY: Okay, Buster, I got the scoop. It turns out that six of the girls I checked out like video games and at least four of them have brains. One of them's a little off, but you'll figure that out yourself.

BUSTER: How smart is the sixth one?

SPARKY: It's like a mixture between kinda smart and just average enough to pass.

RK: Ah, I feel that way sometimes.

BUSTER: Thanks Sparky. But when can I meet them?

SPARKY: Well, I was actually able to swing you dates with all of them. From this Friday until next Wednesday, you're off the market.

BUSTER: Damn, that sucks. I wanted to redeem my club card at the Zippy Mart this weekend.

WADE: You know, I hope whoever ends up with Buster really, really appreciates him. God help them, they appreciate him.

SCENE 5

The Revia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That same day, RK and Wade have decided to visit Anna. RK has on a trenchcoat for some reason.

WADE: Now, Anna, RK's told me about your little problem.

ANNA: Look, I shout sometimes for emphasis. It's just a nervous tic, okay? STOP JUDGING ME! I'm sorry, it's really involuntary.

WADE: That's not what this is about. But yeah, you should get that checked out. What I'm really here for is to help you get over your fear of burgers.

ANNA: What? You told him?

RK: Well, yeah.

ANNA: Why?

RK: Because, Anna, I just like making conversation. And besides, I should have told him sooner. Ever since you've started being afraid, you haven't been the same. You're acting all cuckoo bananas, nutter butters, walnut phantasmagorical plaza.

ANNA: What the hell is walnut phantasmagorical plaza?

RK: Whatever you think it is. Look, Anna, I'm worried about you. You can't spend the rest of your life being afraid of an inanimate object. The same thing happened to me when I was little.

WADE: What were you afraid of?

RK: Astronaut helmets. I was worried that if I ever put one on, I would start to suffocate and get choked to death. But enough about me. This is about my girlfriend.

WADE: Don't worry, Anna, we're going to help you face your fear and eliminate it. You've just been conditioned to be afraid of burgers because you were eating one during a traumatic event. All we have to do is disassociate the burger from the event and you'll be able to eat them again.

ANNA: I don't know. This doesn't sound promising. And why is RK dressed like Inspector Gadget?

RK: Because, Anna...

RK tries tearing off his trenchcoat but it will not budge.

RK: Ah, dammit. This is one with the buttons. I'm sorry, I was going for dramatic effect. Hang on.

RK unbuttons his jacket and sighs.

RK: Now then.

RK reveals several burgers wrapped in aluminum foil hidden in his trenchcoat.

RK: A-ha!

WADE: No.

ANNA: Wait, you were hiding burgers in there? That's it, I'm out of here.

WADE: Anna, don't go. Besides, it's your house. You're not going to get anywhere if you don't conquer your fear. What if Adriana wants to go to Burger King? What are you gonna tell her?

ANNA: Forget about Burger King and go to Subway. Problem solved.

WADE: Anna...

ANNA: Okay, you're right. I shouldn't have to be afraid of this. Hand me a burger.

RK: Don't worry. I'll pass it to you on some Aaron Rodgers shit. HAIL MARY!

RK tosses the burger up in the air and Anna catches it.

WADE: That wasn't Aaron Rodgers.

RK: Well, what do you expect? I'm only a few feet away from her.

Anna opens up the burger and becomes frozen in fear as she stares at it. It then cuts to a flashback of Anna watching TV while eating a cheeseburger.

VOICEOVER: When it comes to erectile dysfunction, it can slow any man down. Thankfully, there's Viagra.

ANNA: Why am I watching this?

Cut to Adriana on top of Anna's staircase.

ADRIANA: Hey Anna, can I borrow this shirt? I'm going out with Wade tonight and I don't wanna...

Adriana does not watch her step and she ends up falling down the stairs.

ANNA: ADI, NOOOOOO!

Anna immediately rushes to a crying Adriana and takes her to the couch. She then gets the urge to grab her burger and toss it in the trash, with a disturbed look on her face. Cut to the present day where Anna shrieks in fear.

ANNA: IT'S GOING TO GET ME! NOOOOOOO!

Anna runs away from the guys and heads upstairs.

RK: Anna, wait!

Beat.

WADE: Well, this is definitely going to be a work in progress. No one said it wouldn't.

SCENE 6

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

On Friday night, Buster is adjusting his shirt in the living room mirror as Sparky watches him.

BUSTER: Sparky, do you have a tie? I feel like this outfit needs a tie.

SPARKY: Buster, you look fine. Besides, your date's not gonna be impressed by some silly tie.

BUSTER: How do you know for sure?

SPARKY: Because I speak from experience. Now it's time for the date checklist. Do you have everything you need?

BUSTER: Sure do. Fresh new haircut, check. Slamming clothes, check. Finely polished television, check. Food, check. Unnecessary watch, check. Vaseline, check. Wait a minute. Where's my Binaca?

SPARKY: Your Binaca?

BUSTER: Yes. I can't host girls in this place without Binaca. What if they want to kiss me, and then right before that special moment, they sense the quesadilla I had for lunch and turn away? I need that Binaca. SPARKY, WHERE THE HELL IS THE FREAKING BINACA?!

Beat.

SPARKY: What year is this, 1991? Nobody uses Binaca anymore. Besides, your breath smells fine.

BUSTER: Oh, you're only saying that because you have cases of that stuff hidden in your medicine cabinet.

SPARKY: What does that have to...never mind. Look, I know you secretly want me out of your hair so I'm gonna jet. Enjoy your date, man.

BUSTER: Thanks Sparks. I'll tell you all about it.

SPARKY: Sure thing.

Sparky closes the front door.

BUSTER: Well, it's time for me to get a new girlfriend.

SCENE 7

("Early in the Morning" by the Gap Band plays in the background)

A montage depicts Buster's various dates over the next few days, none of which are successful. The first girl ends up beating Buster at Madden after throwing a touchdown pass in the last second, causing Buster to toss his controller on the floor and walk to the bathroom. He then leaves, shakes his head, and walks upstairs. Buster then starts talking too much during his second date, which causes the girl to leave after trying to get her statement in multiple times. On the third date, Buster tries to set the mood with a romantic song, but it doesn't play on his stereo which causes him to pound it repeatedly in frustration. He then unplugs it and tosses it out the front door. To entertain his date, Buster starts dancing. His date immediately begins laughing at him. Buster's fourth date starts badly with her seeing him in his underwear, then criticizing the show they decide to watch. Buster rubs his temple and then signals for the girl to leave. On the fifth date, Buster goes out in the park with a girl and right before they kiss, they are inexplicably attacked by a dog. They then run away while the dog chases after them.

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is pacing back and forth while telling Sparky about his latest date.

BUSTER: And then Stephie said that Cocoa Puffs fell off a long time ago. And then that's when I told her not to badmouth my favorite cereal. So we argued for a little bit and I tried to show her what she's been missing out on by feeding her Cocoa Puffs.

SPARKY: What happened after that?

BUSTER: She hated them and walked out the door. I'm telling you, Sparky, I thought all these dates would be fun. But this week has been a nightmare from hell. Now I know why people choose to be asexual.

SPARKY: I...don't think people choose that. But you're just not clicking with these girls. There's somebody for everybody. All we have to do is find them.

BUSTER: Please. I think I'm much happier sitting at home watching Nick Jr. and treating grape juice like soup. I mean, unless you can track down Trina, it's over for me.

SPARKY: Trina? Who's that?

BUSTER: Don't you remember? Trina? The girl of my dreams, the one that got away? The girl I blew my shot with forever?

Beat.

BUSTER: Oh, right, I never bothered to tell you that story. Well, Sparky, let's take a trip down remember town.

SPARKY: You mean, memory lane?

BUSTER: I know what I said. Anyway, it all started back in second grade.

Fade into Buster working on a drawing in his second grade class. He looks up briefly and his eyes widen. "Vivrant Thing" by Q-Tip starts playing in the background as Buster sees Trina walk into class. He starts smiling and sweating.

BUSTER: Of course, at the time, I didn't really talk to Trina like that. But when I saw her that day, I knew I had to make her my girlfriend.

TRINA: Hey Buster. Is everything okay?

BUSTER: What? Oh yeah, it's fine. Speaking of fine...I mean, did you know that wrestlers get fined for using steel chairs on guys' heads?

TRINA: Wow, that sounds pretty cool. Hey, we can talk later, okay?

BUSTER: Of course, sweet princess. I mean...break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!

Beat.

TRINA: You're something else, Buster. That's why you're my best friend.

*in Buster's head* BUSTER: Oh my God. I'm her best friend! She confirmed it! I'm already climbing up the ranks!

SPARKY: Okay, so you thought she was hot. But why was she so special to you?

BUSTER: It was the way she made me feel. Whenever I heard her voice, it's like I was hearing an angel. A couple days later, she shook my hand and I thought I was going to faint.

SPARKY: So then what?

BUSTER: Well, I didn't have her phone number and I wanted it like crazy. It was the Friday before Martin Luther King Day. Or was it in February? I'm not sure, but I know it had snowed the day before...

SPARKY: Buster, I'm not getting any younger.

BUSTER: Sorry. Anyway, I was at this school party right before we went on break, and so that's when her best friend Dana told me...

Cut to Dana talking to Buster at the party.

DANA: Yeah, she doesn't want to give you the number.

BUSTER: What?

DANA: Yeah, she was just saying how she thinks you like her and she doesn't want to complicate things.

BUSTER: No! That's not fair! I'm going to go find her!

("Sir Duke" by Stevie Wonder starts playing in the school as Buster finds Trina by her locker and walks up to her)

BUSTER: Hey, Trina! You and I have to talk.

TRINA: Look, Buster...

BUSTER: If you didn't like me talking to you, you could have just said so yourself.

TRINA: My phone fell in the toilet.

BUSTER: What?

TRINA: Yeah, it got busted up and now I have to buy a new one. I didn't want you to find out or you would get upset.

BUSTER: I'm already upset! You made me think I was the problem!

TRINA: Oh. You know, I probably should have thought this through. But don't worry. When we come back from break, I'll make sure I give you the number.

BUSTER: Promise?

TRINA: Nope. Pinky swear.

Buster and Trina lock up pinkies. Cut back to Sparky and Buster.

SPARKY: So did she ever give you the number?

BUSTER: No, she never did. And honestly, I don't think she was ever going to.

SPARKY: Maybe there was just a misunderstanding. She forgot?

BUSTER: Well, I asked her a couple more times and she kept avoiding me. Then one day, I asked her if I was annoying her and she said, "I don't want to say no, but I want to say yes."

SPARKY: Harsh. So what, she was just messing around with you?

BUSTER: I'll never know. She was so vague. All I know is we were never friends in the first place and she just stopped talking to me after that. Maybe I could have been more cool about everything, maybe I should have never made it so obvious that I liked her. But she transferred out of iCarly and I haven't seen her since.

SPARKY: So you don't want to change things?

BUSTER: Trust me, I want to. But I can't listen to "Sir Duke" anymore, it just makes me want to hurt somebody nowadays.

SPARKY: What? No, I meant Trina. You could try talking to her again, try to see if she's still the same person. And maybe you can date her.

BUSTER: Yeah, maybe. Around the same time Degrassi stops making every character gay. Sparky, I can't talk to Trina anymore. She wants nothing to do with me. She's hated me for a really long time. If I try telling her how I feel, she'll just say that I'm living in the past and I need to get over myself.

SPARKY: Well, I don't want my best friend sitting around thinking about what could have been while I'm having fun. I'm going to find Trina and let her know what's up.

BUSTER: You can go ahead and try, but I really don't think it's going to work out.

SPARKY: Hey, this is Sparky MacDougal you're talking about. The ultimate problem solver.

BUSTER: So that show Problem Solverz was lying the whole time? Of course. The nerve of those weird-looking bums.

SPARKY: Yeahhhhh. So when do you want me to find her?

BUSTER: Tonight's good for me.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are watching TV that night.

RK: Wade, I'm worried about Anna. If we don't do something about her fear soon, she's going to grow up and hate burgers. And then she'll probably buy her first gun and start shooting up Wendy's for spare change.

WADE: I think you're overreacting a bit, as usual. We just haven't solved things yet. Trust me, we give it a couple more tries and Anna will be back on her feet in no time.

RK: I don't think so. This probably goes deeper than that. What if, um, and please hear me out when I say this...what if Anna has multiple personality disorder?

Beat.

WADE: Explain.

RK: Like, Anna is probably still Anna, but she thinks she's someone else. She thinks she's someone that's afraid of burgers. I mean, the same thing happened to me once.

Cut to a flashback of RK reading the newspaper in Wade's kitchen. Wade walks in.

WADE: Hey RK, I'm making a sandwich. You want one?

RK: Grilled cheese with tomato, please.

WADE: Oh, I don't have any tomatoes.

RK: Well, speaking from a place of logic, I can't eat any sandwiches then.

WADE: You could put some tomato sauce on the sandwich. It's almost the same thing.

RK: Almost the same thing? Wade, in a world where the grilled cheese sandwich with tomato exists, why would I settle for something less than that? Statistically speaking, the odds of me enjoying any sandwich more than that one are slim to none, which renders your suggestion inadequate and intellectually inept.

WADE: Could you stop talking like that?

RK: Bazinga.

Cut back to RK and Wade in the present day.

WADE: RK, that wasn't multiple personality disorder. You watched too much Big Bang Theory and talked like Sheldon for a week.

RK: Honestly, he's the only reason I still watch it.

WADE: Look, if you're so concerned about this, we could pick it up again tomorrow.

RK: Yeah, that's fine. But if we're going to help Anna get over this, we're going to try doing things my way.

WADE: Oh no. I don't like the sound of that.

RK: Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything insane. All it takes is me dusting off some old friends.

SCENE 10

David Zuckerman Elementary School

Exterior Exit

Seattle, Washington

Sparky pulls up near the school and sees Trina and Dana leaving. He slowly takes off his sunglasses.

SPARKY: Time to reel this one in.

Cut to Trina and Dana walking down the stairs.

TRINA: Dana, I'm worried, man. These bedbugs are really starting to suck mad shit out of my arm.

DANA: So why don't you stop being scared and call an exterminator?

TRINA: I can't let people know I have bedbugs. It'll ruin my rep.

DANA: You're only nine years old, you don't have a rep yet.

TRINA: But you're nine too.

DANA: Trina, could you stop pointing out the obvious? It really messes up the conversation.

SPARKY: Hey, Trina! I wanna talk to you!

DANA: Who's that?

TRINA: I don't know, but he looks familiar. I should go see what he wants.

DANA: Trina, haven't you learned anything from watching TV? That guy's probably a pedophile trying to snatch you up with promises of candy and cherry wine.

TRINA: D, that's a kid. He looks our age.

Beat.

DANA: Alright, I'll let you cook. Go over there.

TRINA: Thank you.

Trina walks over to Sparky.

TRINA: Hey man, what do you want? I have a schedule.

SPARKY: Really?

TRINA: No, I just always wanted to say that. But what's up?

SPARKY: I wanted to talk to you about my best friend Buster Newman.

TRINA: Buster? Wait a minute. You're Sparky, right? That guy who's always in Buster's Facebook pictures?

SPARKY: You could say that. I'm here because I wanted to tell you that you should give him a second chance. He really likes you and he just wants to make things right.

TRINA: Okay, a couple things. First off, this is more of a PM thing if you know what I mean.

SPARKY: I did message you. You never responded.

TRINA: Right, right. I never respond to people I don't know. And second, I don't have anything to say to Buster. I mean, I was never close to him anyway. And I don't even like him so why waste my time with that shit?

SPARKY: So you really do hate him?

TRINA: What? No, dude, what are you on right now? I never hated Buster. I thought he was alright, but he was always trying to kiss me and get my number. I don't know, I didn't like it so I had to fall back.

SPARKY: You could try talking to him again. You know, try being his friend? There's no reason why you two should be so distant.

TRINA: Like I said, I don't have anything to say to him. Things change. And anyway, why do you care so much about it?

SPARKY: Because I don't know anyone better than Buster. He's the nicest, funniest, coolest guy I know. And I just want him to be happy. You made him happy. I just think if you give it a shot and talk to him, you'll see what I see in him. And maybe you guys can be cool again.

TRINA: You know what? When you put it that way, that actually sounds pretty decent. Okay, Sparky, as a favor to you, I'll go over to Buster's place and talk to him. But I'm not promising anything.

SPARKY: That's cool with me. At least you're talking to him. I'll send you the address to his condo later.

TRINA: Cool. By the way, I think we should trade numbers. Running up on me while I'm at school is a real bad look, man.

SPARKY: Gotcha.

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anna is on the couch with Wade that same day as they look around the room.

WADE: You know, I found an article about the health benefits of cranberry juice. You should look into it.

ANNA: Okay. Will you send me the link?

WADE: Oh, I read that article weeks ago. I'm just trying to cut the tension.

ANNA: Oh. Wait, why am I here again? I thought I was hanging out with RK.

WADE: Oh, he just needs to get his things together.

ANNA: And why is that cardboard box that's partly cut out sitting next to the TV?

WADE: Because of tilapia alabaster showmanship.

ANNA: Tilapia alabaster showmanship?

WADE: Anna, I'm just putting words together. RK, I can't stall her for long!

RK: Have no fear, the puppets are here!

RK's hand puppets, Hot Daddy Puppet Monkey Boy and Saul the Seal, pop out from the cardboard box. Anna is confused.

ANNA: Okay, what is this? RK, I already told you, I hate ventriloquism.

RK: What? This isn't a ventriloquist act. God, puppetry gets like, no respect anymore.

ANNA: But what's going on here?

WADE: Anna, it's for your own good. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

RK: Hey there, kids! My name is Hot Daddy, uh...Puppet Monkey Boy! And I'm his trusty sidekick, Saul the Seal! Hot Daddy here. Today, we're going to teach you about facing your fears. Whoa, Hot Daddy, that sounds super cool! Let's do it! Okay, Saul. You ready? Heeeeeeere we goooooo!

ANNA: I feel like the oxygen is slowly being sucked out of my brain.

RK: Come on, Saul, let's go take a dip in the pool to beat the heat! Oh, I don't know, Hot Daddy. I can't even swim. What if I jump in the pool and start drowning? And suffocate and begin losing blood at an alarming rate? Boy, Saul, you have some demons. But this is terrible. You shouldn't be scared of swimming just because you don't know how. You can learn! Kids, what should Saul do?

ANNA: Hit himself in the head with a baseball bat so he can forget this whole thing ever happened?

RK: That's right! He should learn how to swim so he won't be scared anymore! Look, Saul, sometimes, things can get scary. It's part of growing up. But it's always best to face your fears so you can grow, and have a better life, and eventually settle down with a partner and some kids and steady income. Well, you do make some valid points, Hot Daddy. Okay, why not? I'll learn how to swim. Yaaaayyyy, Saul the Seal is facing his fear! Isn't that great, kids?

ANNA: No, it's not. Did you guys really think I would be persuaded by this?

WADE: It was a very faint hope, but our intentions were good.

ANNA: Well, it didn't work.

RK: Alright, Anna, I've had just about enough of this. I mean, if you can't relate to the adventures of Hot Daddy Puppet Monkey Boy and Saul the Seal, then I think it's time for Plan B.

ANNA: And what's that? A children's book?

RK: Anna, you're my girlfriend and I really care about you. That's the whole reason I asked for Wade's help in the first place. I just wanted you to get over your fear so you could be yourself again. But if you're not even going to try helping yourself, then I'm not wasting my time helping you.

ANNA: What are you saying?

RK: I'm saying that maybe we shouldn't see each other for now. You know, until you can get your head straight.

ANNA: My head on straight? But I'm fine.

RK: It doesn't seem that way to me.

ANNA: You know what? Fine. If you don't want to see me anymore, then...fine.

Anna proceeds to leave the house.

WADE: You guys aren't breaking up, are you?

RK: Of course not. But she needs some time alone and I'm gonna give it to her. I can't keep trying to fix something that stays broken.

WADE: Hey, nice play on words.

RK: What play on words?

WADE: What you just said.

RK: Oh, that? Yeah, I guess that's something.

Beat.

WADE: I kinda liked the show unironically.

RK: Thank you, that means so much to me and the cast.

SCENE 12

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Sparky and Buster are watching TV.

BUSTER: Sparky, I'm glad you came to my neck of the woods today.

SPARKY: Of course. Who doesn't love spending time with their best friend?

BUSTER: Maybe people who hate being happy?

SPARKY: Eh, you got me there.

Sparky's phone vibrates and he gets a text message from Trina saying "I'm coming right now."

SPARKY: So do you like raisin bran?

BUSTER: What?

The doorbell rings.

BUSTER: I'll get it.

SPARKY: Yeah, I would get it myself, but you know, on account of my arthritis...

Buster opens the door to reveal Trina.

TRINA: Hi Buster.

Buster screams and slams the door. He then starts panting.

BUSTER: Please tell me that's Jaylynn wearing a Trina mask.

SPARKY: I wish I could.

BUSTER: Sparky, this is insane! I can't face Trina like this. I haven't seen her in months!

SPARKY: Yeah, but Trina actually decided to show up and pay you a visit. You not talking to her would be a shame.

BUSTER: A shame? Sparky, a guy pulling your pants up at the urinal is a shame. This is a catastrophe! It's catastrophic!

SPARKY: Well, you wanted to see Trina. Ask and you shall receive.

BUSTER: I don't know if I can do it now. At least an advance warning would have helped.

SPARKY: I wanted to surprise you. Now that Trina's back, you have to let her know things are going to be different. If she sees the same Buster from before, then it's curtains.

BUSTER: Alright. I'll just have to suck it up and do it now.

SPARKY: That's my boy.

Buster opens the door to see Trina still standing there.

BUSTER: I would like to apologize for my previous outburst. I'm much more stable when it comes to my executive position at the office.

TRINA: You're not fooling me, Buster.

BUSTER: Well, I'm sorry anyway and right now, it feels like my knees are doing the cha cha slide so what are we talking about here?

TRINA: Well, Sparky told me you missed me and I should give you a second chance. I mean, we never dated so I don't really know what you're getting out of this but I guess it's nice to see you again.

BUSTER: It's nice to see you again too. You're just as pretty as the last time I saw you.

TRINA: Awww, Buster.

SPARKY: You know, you guys seem preoccupied. I'm just gonna go to Buster's room and hang out until you're done.

Sparky goes upstairs, looks back at Buster and Trina, smiles, and then continues walking.

TRINA: I see you're still a sweet guy. That's awesome. I thought you would just end up being a dick.

BUSTER: Oh no, I'm not a dick. I have no relationship with that word. I don't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods!

Trina starts laughing.

TRINA: You know, now I don't feel bad about coming here. This is just like second grade.

BUSTER: Oh, really? Well, I know a way we can make it even more like second grade.

TRINA: How?

BUSTER: By you telling me that you don't like me at all and me never seeing you again.

Beat.

TRINA: You still remember that?

BUSTER: Of course I do. Trina, I'm not exactly the smartest guy in the world. I mean, I wasn't able to tell time until I was seven. But even I know this doesn't mean anything.

TRINA: How do you know that? You're judging me based off of something that happened two years ago. You can't just assume I'm the same person.

BUSTER: And you can't assume I am either. I changed, Trina. You don't know what I've been up to since then. I mean, I got shot at by the president, I've had my own show, my ex tried to kill me twice, my favorite pen pal and I stopped talking, and I almost sued PepsiCo for trying to kill me.

TRINA: A lot of people have tried to kill you.

BUSTER: Yeah, I got a lot of enemies. Look, I'm just saying that you were the first person I ever liked before. And you really hurt my feelings when you didn't even want to be my friend, after you lied to me and said we were best friends. I don't want to get hurt again, Trina. So if you're just doing this for yourself, you might as well go now.

TRINA: You know, I never meant to hurt you, bruh.

BUSTER: Well, you did. You hurt me and you could have hurt yourself.

TRINA: How?

BUSTER: I'm just being dramatic.

TRINA: Look, Buster, I'm sorry if I made you think I liked you or we were close like that. I should have just been honest from the jump. But I guess I didn't know how to deal with it so I just started ducking you.

BUSTER: Well, at least you told me the truth.

TRINA: And I'm not doing this for myself. I actually came here because I wanted to.

BUSTER: I thought Sparky threatened to spit in your eye if you didn't come.

TRINA: Well, he was the one to bring it up, but if I really didn't want to be cool with you ever again, I wouldn't be here.

BUSTER: So now what? We start kissing?

TRINA: No, man. I don't like you like that. But we can start being friends. Real friends.

BUSTER: I can live with that.

TRINA: You wanna hug?

BUSTER: Sure, why not?

Buster and Trina hug each other.

TRINA: Now that we took care of this, things will hopefully be different between us.

BUSTER: I hope so too.

TRINA: I could send you a friend request on Facebook.

BUSTER: Ah, sweet! I can't wait to see the name "Trina Pariso" on my screen.

TRINA: Buster, my last name's Peraza.

BUSTER: What?

TRINA: How come you never seem to remember my last name? I think you used to call me "Perez."

BUSTER: I have a lot of problems, Trina.

SCENE 13

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, RK is watching the music video for "Do the Bartman" on TV.

VOICEOVER: It wasn't long ago, just a couple of weeks/I got in trouble, yeah, pretty deep/Homer was yelling, Mom was too/Because I put moth balls in the beef stew.

RK: God, I wish I could live in 1990 and never come back.

Anna walks in at that moment.

ANNA: Hey RK, could we talk?

RK: That depends.

RK mutes the TV.

RK: Are you going to tell me something else you don't want to do?

ANNA: I don't want to stop seeing you. I like you too much.

RK: Well, me neither, but you know...nothing we can do about that.

ANNA: Look, I'm sorry for acting like a jerk. You were just trying to help and I should have appreciated it a little more.

RK: I just don't want you to be scared anymore, Anna. I mean, this is how it starts. You're going to move away one day. And you're going to meet people who love burgers. Then your number's going to hit, and the first thing your husband wants you to do is buy a Burger King franchise. Now are you ready for that, Anna? Are you ready to have your future husband convince you that buying a Burger King is a smart move?

ANNA: I'm hoping you could be my husband one day.

RK: I'm too young. This relationship is moving too fast. I don't wanna go to jail.

ANNA: RK, I want to go to therapy. You know, just get some professional help. Maybe then I'll be alright.

RK: And you're sure you wanna do this?

ANNA: I'm sure. I don't want you to look at me and think I'm not any fun to be around.

RK: Hey, you're always fun to be around. And you know what? I can help you set up an appointment.

ANNA: Aww, thank you, RK. Let's never fight again.

RK: Haha, let's not make any promises but I like your optimism.

RK and Anna hug and then kiss.

SCENE 14

The Newman Condominium

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Buster looks in his drawer and finds an old drawing of him and Trina with a heart above them.

BUSTER: Ah. The good old days.

Buster's phone starts to vibrate. He picks it up.

BUSTER: Hello. What's up, Trina? This is a surprise. I never thought you would call me. *pause* Yeah, you're right, things can change.*pause* I'm glad we're friends too. So what are you up to? *pause* No, I'm just going through my socks. I have so many pairs. You want to hear about them? Well, there's one with dice that I got from Vegas.

Fade to black. Buster can be heard through voiceover.

BUSTER: That's right, I did go to Vegas. I would have went to Paris if not for... something something, I wish I knew.

("Infinite" by Eminem plays in the end credits)

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