So Close
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They are the property of CBS. If I owned them, trust me, it would be different. I do not own the song "So Close" by composed by Alan Menken and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz.
"Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself." – Author unknown
Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner was not the type of man to be nervous. The unit chief of the FBI's prestigious Behavioral Analysis Unit had to have a spine of steel. He wondered, then, why did he feel like a nervous 16 year old as he knocked on the door of what used to be the home he shared with his ex-wife, Haley, and their son, Jack. He had no idea what she wanted. There wasn't enough to profile from a 30-second phone call asking him to meet her.
Haley opened the door. "Aaron." She greeted her ex-husband with a hug. He didn't want to hold on for too long. He didn't want to seem like he missed her. "Thanks for seeing me tonight."
You're in my arms
And all the world is calm
Hotch broke the hug quickly. "It's no problem. How is Jack? Is he all right? Is he here?"
Haley shook her head. "No, he's with Jessica tonight. Come in. Sit down." Hotch followed Haley into the living room. "Can I get you a drink, Aaron?"
He hated when she was formal. It wasn't his Haley. His Haley was so relaxed, but he supposed a divorce would put a formality on the situation. "Yes, thank you." He didn't want to be equally formal, but needed to gauge the circumstances. She called from the kitchen, "Do you want me to open a bottle of wine?"
"That would be great, thanks." He was sweating. He hated sweating, unless he was exhilarated from the chase of an unsub down an alley.
Haley returned with a bottle of Merlot and two glasses. She sat next to him, legs crossed in the Lotus position. He reached for the wine and poured. "So, what's up?"
Haley took a sip of the wine. "I know you're going on Annual Leave in 2 weeks."
"And?" "I was hoping you could take Jack for those two weeks. Jessica has a series of meetings on the West Coast, and she asked me to join her."
"Of course. Why would you think I wouldn't take Jack?" Hotch was nearly incredulous. He'd never think of leaving his son with anyone if Haley wasn't around.
"Well, I know you need a break, and I know how stressful the job is…" "Haley, stop."
She knew that tone. His voice rarely took a sharp edge with her. Sensing his tension, she asked, "Do you mind if I put on some music?" He shook his head, "No, why… Never mind."
Haley hit the remote for the music, and she silently cursed. Madonna's "Crazy for You" came through the speakers. It was one of their songs.
Hotch chuckled, "This brings back memories."
"Seeing you first kissed me during the cast party for Pirates and this song was playing."
"It's hardly apropos, Haley." Oh, but it was for him.
Suddenly, memories of being 16 and in love for the first time flooded through him. It was a bad summer for him. His first taste of freedom was hampered by his father's illness. Haley was a bright spot that summer. He had his license, a car and finally an excuse to escape the oppressive household where he lived. He had Haley Brooks, who was in his opinion, the prettiest girl in the school. What made it better, is that she liked him back.
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive
Haley reached out and brushed his hand. "A penny for your thoughts?"
"Just thinking of when we were in high school… When I was the worst fourth pirate in history."
Haley laughed. "The only good thing about that production was that I met you."
"Hey, you weren't too bad as one of the Major General's daughters. One of the singing ones. That was a major coup for a sophomore." She laughed again.
God, that laugh. Over the years he heard it less frequently. His mind jumped from college, to law school, to being in the prosecutor's office, to the FBI. She was always beside him. To their wedding, when everything seemed so full of promise. Then there was the promotion to the BAU, and their troubles conceiving. Finally, they had their child. The bright, sunny boy they named Jack. And that's when everything came to a full stop. Their relationship all but ended because he put fighting monsters over his wife and son. She packed up, left and divorced him, taking their son.
A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
"Aaron?" Haley reached out and touched his face. Instinctively, he turned his lips to her hand.
"Oh, God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" She didn't move her hand. Instead, she leaned forward and kissed him.
His heart raced. Something he had wanted for almost two years could happen. Reunion.
He kissed her back with a passion he hadn't felt in years, not since after Jack was born. The bitterness and hurt of the divorce was gone. Haley felt it, too. She moaned a little as his hands fisted in her hair.
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
Breathless and stunned, Haley broke the kiss. "Come on." She took Hotch's hands and pulled him off the couch.
As if in a trance, he followed her. She led him up the stairs, down the hall, and into the bedroom.
And now forever I know
He took her in his arms and kissed her slowly. Haley missed him. There had been others since the divorce, but no one could replace him. No one would replace him.
All that I wanted to hold you
So close
Soon, the only sounds were their kisses and the rustle of clothing being removed. Hotch backed her to the bed and nudged her down to the mattress. The moonlight turned her skin a shimmery silver. Her hair spilled over the pillows. This, Hotch thought, is perfect.
So close to reaching that famous happy end
As they made love for the first time in years, nothing had changed. His shoulders, his arms, everything was the same. She was mesmerized by his eyes. They were nearly black in the night.
Almost believing this was not pretend
His head was spinning. Being with Haley had always been a dizzying rush, and this time was like no other. He felt her nails claw down his back, and heard her moan his name, and he was gone.
Hotch rolled off her and swept her hair out of her eyes. "Haley, I don't think you know how beautiful you are to me. I'd give you everything all over again." She draped herself over his chest, grazing her thumb over the mole on his shoulder.
"Aaron, I don't want everything. I just want you." He leaned down and kissed her. He knew then that there wouldn't be much sleep.
And now you're beside me and look how far we've come
So far…
We are so close
He watched her sleep. There were so many days he wished he had her to come home to. The job was taxing, and he knew it. He looked into the depths of human depravity every day, and still managed to come out alive. Because he knew that he had to be the hero. Someone had to be. But maybe, just maybe, he'd be as complete as he was before she left. As he drifted off to sleep, he smiled.
How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
Haley woke up to find Hotch sleeping on his side. She kissed his shoulder, and he rolled over toward her. She snuggled closer to him, not wanting to wake him. She knew the divorce had been a mistake, but she couldn't change him. God help her, as much as she wanted to, she couldn't. She knew his childhood, and she knew it was the reason he was so devoted to chasing monsters. She couldn't change him, but she still loved him. There were things he didn't need to know from before they separated. She did more harm to the marriage than he ever did. But that didn't matter now. This could be their second chance. She brushed her thumb over his face, his lips, his jaw. First and only love, she thought.
We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
They both slept, finally. At peace with each other, and at peace with themselves.
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are…
His cell phone rang at 7 AM. He slipped silently out of bed to take the call. "Yeah, JJ?" He started to dress as Jennifer "JJ" Jareau briefed him on the case. "I'll be in as soon as I can."
Haley finally stirred. "Where are you going? I was going to make breakfast."
Hotch's mouth turned into a straight line. "We've got a case. I'm sorry."
She felt the fury rising. The same fury that prompted her to leave. "So you're just going to go, after last night?"
"Haley, I have to, OK? I'm sorry." He pulled his t-shirt over his head.
"Just go, Aaron. Just fucking leave."
"Haley, you're being irrational. You know I have a job to do."
"That's right, because you have to be the hero. Didn't you know how much I needed you here?"
"My job is a responsibility. I don't have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom."
"Aaron, sometimes…"
"You wish we were back together? So do I. We both made choices, Haley. You might have thought mine might have been selfish. Maybe they were. I tried to keep things together, both there and here."
"Aaron, I'm sorry." She hated when he'd get that quick flash of temper… and that glare. There were times she swore he practiced it in the mirror.
"What you never understood, Haley, is that I was in love with you. I'm still in love with you. I'll always be in love with you. I've never stopped loving you."
Her heart shattered when she looked into his eyes. "I've always loved you. It's your job I don't love. But, as always, this conversation gets us nowhere."
"If that's the case, I should go. The team's waiting for me." She turned her head to look out the window. "Fine."
"I'll call Jack tonight, when he gets home. I don't know when I'll be home, but at the end of this case, I'd like to take you and Jack out… as a family."
"I'll think about it, Aaron." He leaned down and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead.
"Please do." He shut the bedroom door, and felt the tears coming. Hotch made his exit quickly and opened the door to his Tahoe. He flipped down the visor to reveal a picture of the three of them.
So close
Sitting in the driveway to his old house, he cried.
So close
She heard the engine start, and Hotch's car drive away. She opened her nightstand drawer, and took out a framed photo of the three of them. Sitting in her bed, what was their bed, she cried.
And still so far…