Okay so my first fic *_* feel free to laugh also sorry for any grammer mistakes….
Summary: Supernatural fic based of 8ep23 just a small scene between cas and Crowley as they discuss human feelings and emotions, slight destiel only mild though. From castiels POV.
Parrings: mild destiel fluffiness could be seen as crowstiel if you squint
Warnings: some swearing only a little and some boy on boy kisses nothing to bad R13
Heart in a solitude of my own creation
"I just want to be loved"
How could such words escape freely from a man who's souls so twisted into a cascade of death and destruction? Crowley was not a man of emotion, well except when he felt the sick pleasure of ripping apart flesh or smelling in the aroma of rotting corpses in the darkest pits of hell the place he called home. Crowley the man who's heart was embodied by poisonous hate. It's something that's so foreign to me yet in the same aspect so familiar.
"Darling I know even drenched in blood I'm good looking but please quit the staring its quiet unnerving" a small smirk crept its way up Crowley's crimson painted face, maybe he's not changed at all? Was the statement a way to trick Sam into thinking the cleansing was working? My newly human mind began to burn with a painful sensation, the same as when I drank the liquor store. I grabbed the front of my cranium and applied a small amount of pressure. "headache?" the former king of hell asked. I nodded In response. "didn't think angels got headaches? Humour me but are you?" if your referring to human then yes I am human, like my brothers I have to fell, emotions began to rise inside me but o couldn't crumble in front of him , I plan on keeping the smallest shreds of my dignity intact. "that makes two of us then now that Sam cleaned up my soul I'm as human as they come, emotions, feelings, senses and all, I've got the full mud monkey package" there wasn't much humour to his voice so I decided to press further and ask about him outburst of I just want to be loved. He seemed to squirm under my intense gaze his eyes filled with clear liquid emotion.
He broke.
Him breath came in short ragged breaths, it was almost like the oxygen was sucked from his lungs as he tried to compose himself, I placed my hand on his shoulder in a calming gesture and it seemed to work, his tears began to fall short and he mustered up the courage to speak in a small hoarse voice "you know cas you gaze upon me as, as a monster and I know you have a right to after all the pain and suffering I've caused through the years and to you and those bloody Winchester's that's normal, would it be so hard to consider what I was like before it all? Let me tell you my story, let me show you things my way. When I was originally human I lived as your dean would say an apple pie life, had my own place a dog and all then there was e-emily" the name Emily caught in his throat and I could tell the name meant deep empathy, I decided to trust him and put my arm around him in an almost half hug, I wanted to know his story of this Emily. "Emily she was my childhood sweetheart, loved the girl more than anything she was the most perfect specimen in the world. Every Wednesday evening we'd meet in the park for a picnic I know its cheesy but it was kind of our thing that girl was my world until it happened. My sweetheart was ripped from me at the cost of my own stupidity" He paused and took in another sharp breath to ground himself." Emily made a deal with a crossroads demon, you know what that deal was? She wanted me to marry her and have our own little family, she bet her soul because she thought I didn't love her enough to make the first step and admit that I loved her. I watched the woman I love have her chest ripped open and slaughtered by hellhounds, she, she screamed in agony telling me this was all my fault, all she wanted was to be loved. You know what that does to a person? I became so distraught and numb that my soul began to twist and dim, I started slaughtering innocent people for my own pleasure the numb the pain of losing my angel. Every day I looked in the mirror and saw her bloody reflection until one day my eyes stared back at me as black as the suit I'm wearing "
His face changed into a gentle small, I couldn't see what he had to smile about after his story, there was something strange happening with my chest when he spoke about himself and Emily, I placed my hand over my heart and Crowley's grin widened. " so you see castiel that's why I shouted I want to be loved, the only reason I'm telling you my bloody business is because I don't want to see you make the same mistake, love is a battlefield its dangerous and you're bound to get hurt but there's always something worth fighting for" he continued his grin as I furrowed my brows why is he telling me about love? " oh don't look at me like that featherboy I've seen the way you and dean look at each other its positively sickening and lets not mention the whole eye sex thing your both so deep in love with each other but won't admit it to each other because your both stubborn assholes" a small pink blush began to creep up my cheeks how could he know? I mean okay maybe I feel affectionate for dean but that's because were so close, were like brothers he's told me that already, I couldn't help but notice my stomach churn at the phrase brothers. Did I want something more than that. Crowley shook my shoulders lightly to wake me from my own thoughts." Look cas don't make the same mistake I did and wait till it's too late to be with the one you love, no suck it up and go tell dean how you really feel, and please don't go all pizza man in front of me spare my eyesight and go outside to talk to him" He finished of his last little statement with a smirk and my face grew hotter with embarrassment but he was right.
I was in love with dean the way every little insult felt like a punch to the chest, every feather light touch sent my heart into overdrive, when we caught each other's eyes I felt he was staring into my core, the churning in my stomach any time he was near. I couldn't deny it anymore I loved that green eyed hunter with everything I had, maybe just maybe if he could reciprocate these feelings I could manage this whole becoming human thing. I opened the doors to the church me and Crowley were occupying to see dean stood by his beloved impala, Sam was stood in the distance gazing at the stars in his own little bubble. I began striding towards dean, my heart speeding up with each step, butterflies danced around in my stomach and I began to feel nauseous.
"hey cas what's eating you buddy you like kind of nervous and err kinda red"
Dean spoke to me first noticing my blush, he put a hand on my shoulder and my heart increased even more if that was possible and my palms began to sweat, I just had to tell him how I felt.
Dean look I…I have to tell you something I've been needing to tell you for a very long time, okay hear it goes please after I confess to you don't shoot my down to harshly this is very hard for me to do. Okay hear it goes Dean I've loved you ever since I raised you from perdition I can't image my life without you, this whole becoming humans made me realise my hidden feelings for you, I only hope you feel the same way I….I don't really know how to describe how I feel right know.
Dean looked at me with utter shock and disbelief I was terrified waiting for his reaction. He grabbed me by the tie and pulled me forwards till we were millimetres apart " Cas look hey don't be so scared man I don't bite well not right know anyway, look I feel the same way and I really had no idea you felt the same way I love you to cas. I'm going to help you get through learning to be human, we'll to it together as a team because that's what we are" He smiled a bright rare smile before pulling me into a sweet passionate kiss, it was innocent but every little thing we couldn't say to each other was poured into that kiss. He tasted like cheap whiskey just as I imagined, he hugged my waist and I held him tight round the neck. We broke part moments late and he lifted me up so I was wrapped round his waist, I blushed lightly while he peppered my face with butterfly soft kisses. I think becoming human is one of the best accidents I've brought on in my life, and hear held close by the one I love as I nuzzle my head into his neck I now I'm home.