Summary: I've never understood the male race. I thought, maybe, as I grew older, wiser, that I would be able to understand them more, but, with age, at seventeen-years-old, I was steadily becoming more confused. Lily James (toward the end). Rant. One-shot. COMPLETE
--- --- ---
Stupid Boys
--- --- ---
I've never understood the male race. I thought, maybe, as I grew older, wiser, that I would be able to understand them more, but, with age, at seventeen-years-old, I was steadily becoming more confused.
When I was eleven and attending Hogwarts for my first year, I was relentlessly picked on by this one boy. He was in my House and year, and he had a fetish with pulling on my braids. I wrote to my mum, asking her why this boy was being so mean to me. She replied, Oh, hunny, he's only mean to you because he likes you. I couldn't wrap my mind around this idea. If he liked me, why wasn't he nice to me?
That boy wasn't the only one that picked on me. The others were Slytherins who would call me a Mudblood and push me to the ground, telling me that's where I belonged. Over Christmas holidays, I asked my mum if these boys liked me too. She took me in her arms and said, "No, sweetheart. They don't. And, if they do that again, you should report them to one of your professors."
I looked up at her, my face scrunched up in confusion. "But… I don't get it. If someone pulls on my braids, he likes me, but if someone else pushes me and calls me names, they're just being mean?"
"I know it seems like they're all picking on you in the same way, but it's really quite different," Mum said, running her fingers through my hair in that soothing manner that would always put me to sleep no matter how upset I was. "The one that pulls your braids is only trying to get your attention, while the others are doing those things to be cruel."
"Oh…" I said, nodding my head.
I still didn't get it. Not completely.
"Stupid boys," I mumbled into Mum's shoulder, to which she laughed and continued to stroke my hair.
I know that my dad wished I would keep that mentality. Petunia had taken an interest in boys, and Dad did all he could to keep them away, which resulted in a lot of screaming from Petunia. Every time this would happen, once Petunia had slammed her door shut, he would turn to me, smiling, and say, "Never take a liking to boys. Okay, Lily-bean?"
"Okay, Daddy," I would reply, until two years later, when I was thirteen and had my first crush. Instead of replying with my usual, I looked at my feet guiltily and started playing with my fingernails.
Dad's smile vanished in a second, and he said, "Not you too, Lily-bean."
I was so angry at myself for upsetting him that the moment the winter holidays ended and I was back at Hogwarts I told my date to Hogsmeade that I had to cancel. "I'm not allowed to date yet," I explained.
"Whatever," he said, sneering at me before walking away.
I crossed my arms across my chest with a 'humph' and glared at his back, vowing to never date or like a boy until I was thirty.
Except that vow turned out to attract more trouble instead of keeping it away.
The summer before fourth year, I sprouted curves. I was no longer as straight as a board.
One night, I overheard my mum and dad talking about me. Luckily, they were talking loud enough that I didn't have to press my ear to the door in order to hear them perfectly.
"But, Denise, you can't let her leave the house looking like that."
"You're being ridiculous, Robert. Her clothes fit fine."
"That's exactly my problem! They need to be bigger." My mum let out a disgruntled snort. "I'm serious. All the boys at her school will be ogling her wherever she goes, and I won't be there to beat them away."
"Lily's a smart girl and more than capable of taking care of herself. Her clothes are fine. End of discussion."
Hearing someone approaching the door that I was sitting in front of, I stood up quickly and scampered upstairs to my room.
That year, James Potter took an interest in my maturing figure. Not that he hadn't taken interest in me previously. Remember the braid-pulling situation? That was him. But instead of pulling my braids to get my attention, he was asking me out. Repeatedly. And more extravagantly each time.
It was becoming unbearable by the time the middle of fifth year came around. One night at dinner, he stood up on the table, a bouquet of flowers in his hands, and said at the top of his lungs, "Go out with me, Evans." I made the flowers explode in his hands, sending him into a sneezing fit, and ran out of the Hall. And, by the end of that year, he had turned my best friend against me.
My only relief from the stupidity that was James Potter were two of his mates, surprisingly. My own friends considered James' "devotion" to me (their word, not mine, I preferred to call him my stalker) as "sweet." Insane the lot of them.
Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew kept me sane. Peter knew how much I detested James' constant proposals, and if James was planning something extravagant Peter would warn me ahead of time. He was my little insider. While Peter and I talked mostly about the Marauders, Remus and I would stay away from that topic. Anything else that we could talk about, we did. He was my escape.
He was also my big brother figure. He was always looking out for me, especially when it came to other guys. He would warn me about the ones that he'd heard bad things about, and he'd tell me when he thought someone would be good for me. And he was usually right. Most of the time.
For about six months during fifth year, I was dating a sixth-year Ravenclaw. A handsome bloke, fellow prefect, and rumored to be Head Boy the next year. I thought he was perfect for me, and Remus had never said one bad thing about him. Until the end of fifth year.
We were on patrol, Remus and I, talking as usual. Actually, I was talking. Remus would occasionally nod or give a one word response, but he would never add much to the conversation.
"Remus? Are you all right?" I asked, sick of listening to my own voice.
"Huh?" He looked at me. Maybe for the first time that night. "Oh. Yeah. I'm fine."
"You're lying." Guilt was written all over his face. "Now what's bothering you?"
"I don't want to tell you."
That hurt. "Why not?"
"Because you're not going to like it."
"I can handle it."
"Are you sure?"
He was trying to protect me again. I couldn't have asked for a better friend.
I smiled and nodded.
"Okay," he said, taking a deep breath. "You know how I covered Allie's patrol last night?" Rhetorical question. Of course I knew, but I nodded anyway, if anything just to propel him to keep talking. "Well, we caught someone out after curfew. In a broom cupboard. It was Craig." My boyfriend. "With another girl."
My jaw dropped. I was speechless.
Remus' hand on my shoulder knocked me out of my stupor.
"That bastard!"
Remus was shocked by my profanity, but it was easier to be angry than to deal with the tears that were welling up in my eyes, ready to drop at any moment.
"Why? Why would he do that?" My words were being choked off. "I thought he was a good guy."
I let Remus wrap his arms around me, and I buried my face in his shoulder, not wanting him to see me cry.
"I thought he was a good guy too," Remus said into my hair. "I'm sorry, Lil. I wish I had known earlier."
"It's not your fault. You can't know everything about every guy I date. Thank you for telling me."
I lifted my face out of its hiding place.
"I wish I didn't have to," he said. He wiped away the stray tears.
"Me too," I replied, and he gave me one last hug before we continued our patrol.
The next day, I was alone in the Common Room, everyone else was outside enjoying the weather, when Peter sat down beside me.
"Hey, Pete," I greeted him, closing my book and setting it aside.
"Hi, Lily. How are you?"
"All right. You?"
"All right. Remus told us what happened."
Of course. There were no secrets between those four boys.
"I'm really sorry. How are you doing?"
"Okay. I was really upset at first, but I'm getting over it. I'll be fine."
"That's good to hear. Remus was worried about you."
"He was so sweet about the entire thing. He didn't even want to tell me at first because he knew it would hurt me. He's such a good friend. Always so protective. He's almost like the big brother I've never had."
"Um, Lily?" Peter wasn't looking me in the eye anymore. "You know that Remus is so protective of you because he likes you, right?"
"Wait. What?" I stammered. "He… No. No, that's just not… No."
"Sorry, but it's true. He never wanted to tell you because of James. Heck, he's only ever told me that he fancies you. But I think you have a right to know, especially since you don't feel the same way. I know you'd never want to hurt him."
I couldn't think of anything to say. Sensing this, Peter patted my hand and left.
Fifth year ended a few weeks later, and I was ecstatic. I needed time to wrap my mind around all the changes that had occurred where boys I knew, or thought I knew, were concerned. Not only had my "perfect" boyfriend cheated on me, my big brother figure turned out to have very non-brotherly feelings for me, and my best friend from before Hogwarts had turned into the person I never thought he would be, betraying me and my trust in him. I was so frustrated. I thought I knew these boys, really knew them, but I was wrong.
Stupid boys.
The next year wasn't any better. At least when it came to me understanding guys.
When I got onto the Hogwarts Express, I started looking for my girls. Instead of finding them, I was passed by all four Marauders. James was first. I had a glare ready for his usual greeting. But it never came. He just smiled at me and said, "Hi, Lily." He never called me Lily. I stood stock still, my mouth flapping open and closed like a goldfish. I barely noticed Sirius' wink, and I was pulled back to reality when Remus and Peter gave me a hug.
"You might want to close your mouth, Lil. You'll start catching flies," Remus said before following his mates.
I snapped my mouth shut and looked to Peter for answers.
"You don't need to worry about Remus anymore." He smiled and walked away.
That was not the question I wanted answered.
When did James start calling me Lily? It was always last names with the two of us. And where was the cocky grin? Where was the grand gesture and "go out with me, Evans"?
I didn't get it.
With all the changes that had occurred over the years, I was looking forward to a little stability, no matter how annoying it was and how furious it made me, and now even that was gone.
I was waiting for the day that he would go back to his usual ways. I was waiting for something that was never going to happen.
One night a month into the school year, I got my girls together to voice my confusion.
"Potter's changed."
"You finally realized that?" Lexi asked.
"Why?" I asked, not really paying attention to Lexi's question.
"Why what? Why have you just realized this or why has he changed?"
"Both?" I shrugged.
"I think you've realized this because you're a creature of habit. When anything changes around you, you're extremely thrown off," Amanda said.
Thank you, oh wise one, but I already knew that.
"And I think he's changed," Amanda added, "because of the incident with Snape last year."
Now that was interesting.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"James has had a thing for you since forever, and when you said he was no better than Snape it hit him hard. He took everything you said to heart. And changed because of it."
"I don't think anything I say could ever make anyone change their entire persona," I said.
"Except James has been trying to win you over since he stopped believing girls had cooties," said Grace.
"And he hasn't changed his entire persona," Lexi said.
"Yes, he has. He stopped pulling pranks."
"Incorrect." I glared at Lexi. "But the pranks are harmless now, and you find them quite funny."
"He's studying. He never used to study," I tried to continue but Grace chose to correct me.
"Actually, Lily, he used to study before, just late at night when you weren't around."
"No, he's applying himself more now. We were constantly battling for top student when he was doing just enough to get by, but now that he's working harder he's beating me in every subject. Even Charms!"
"I think you're upset because he's doing better than you in your best subject." Lexi was smirking. I wanted to hit her.
"Hush, you," Amanda told Lexi. "If you get her too angry, she'll clam up, and then we won't learn anything."
Thank you. I knew she had her smart moments.
"What else, Lily?" she asked.
"Well, he's Quidditch Captain."
"Um, Lily, that's not much of a change. He's been on the team since second-year."
I took back my last comment about the smart moments.
"Yes, I know that, but this is a position of responsibility and leadership. That goes against the whole Marauder image."
"What about Remus?"
"Good point, Grace. Remus is a prefect, which according to you goes against this 'Marauder image,'" said Amanda.
"Remus is different."
"How so?" asked Grace.
"He's responsible, studious, courteous…"
"But he's still a Marauder," said Lexi.
"Ugh!" I threw my hands in the air. "I hate you all." I shoved my head under the pillow in order to block out their giggles.
"G'night, Lily." Damn their laughter.
I needed new mates.
And I found one in James Potter.
No one was more shocked than me. Actually, the entire school seemed pretty shocked. I would sense their stares when we were in close proximity to one another, and I would hear their whispers when we wouldn't yell at the other but share a smile. I caught wind of some interesting rumors about the two of us. One was that James had Confunded me, which he hadn't, and another was that this was an elaborate prank by me where I would pretend to be friends with him and then blow him off when we got close, breaking his heart in the process, which it wasn't. Sure, James and I had never gotten along before this point, but I wasn't cruel.
I don't even know how we got to be friends. There was no spoken truce or conversation about putting our enmity behind us and becoming friends like some people believed. I wish it had been that easy. It would make the answer to "how did you two become friends" so much less difficult to come up with when bombarded with the question numerous times a day.
It had been so gradual that I didn't even notice it happening at first.
We started acknowledging one another in the corridors with a smile, then a wave, then a greeting, then stopping and holding a short conversation. It didn't take long to progress through these four stages. Maybe two weeks maximum.
Then, I called him James. It was just a slip of the tongue, but it felt right. Potter was gone.
We started sitting together during classes, working off each other's intelligence to excel, which the professors loved and praised us for even though we didn't realize we were doing it.
Our friendship took a leap in the right direction one night toward the end of October when I was in the Common Room struggling with a Transfiguration essay. The boys came in, arms laden with goodies of all sorts, having finished their essays earlier than afternoon. That's what happens when your best friend is the Transfiguration protégé. You get the help to finish your essay early and spend the rest of your free time raiding the kitchens. I did not have such luck. And I was too proud to ask for help.
I let out a frustrated sigh and ran my fingers through my hair, tugging slightly on the ends.
"Lily? Are you okay?"
I jumped at his voice. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said. "Thanks for asking."
He gave me that look that said he knew I was lying. "Fine. I'm not okay," I accepted defeat. "This essay is driving me bloody bonkers."
"Do you want some help?"
"Please," I said.
I had too much pride to ask for help, but he offered and I wasn't fool enough to deny it.
He smiled and sat down next to me. "Do you mind if I read it?"
I shook my head and handed my essay to him. I watched him scribble notes in the margin, cross out words and entire sections, and underline the part he thought I did really well. He finished reading and I listened intently to his comments and suggestions, making changes without a second thought.
Within the hour, the essay was finished and I leaned back into the couch with a contented sigh. "Thank you for your help," I said. "I couldn't have done it without you."
"You could have gotten it done without me. It just would've taken you twice as long." He was smirking, merely joking. "And you're welcome. It was nice to spend some time with you outside of class."
I looked at him questioningly. "We've hung out outside of class," I said.
"No, we haven't. Not once. This is the first time."
I tried to remember all the times I had been with James, and I realized, "You're right."
"We'll have to do this again," James said.
"Do what? Watch me go crazy from Transfiguration before finally taking pity on me? Sounds like fun."
"Har har. Funny, Lily."
"Thank you. And I'd love to hang out again. This was fun. Well, for the most part."
"Good." His smile was wonderful. "I'm off to bed, but I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."
"G'night, James."
By Christmas holidays, James and I were good friends. I stayed at his house for a week with the Marauders, and he and the boys came to mine to go sledding and ice skating. Once back at school, we spent a lot of our time together. On weekends, we would stay up until the early hours of the morning just talking. As the school year came closer to ending, I started to think of James as one of my best friends.
"James?" I broke the silence as we were revising for our Defense Against the Dark Arts exam.
"Yeah?" He continued copying notes out of his book. I knew he was listening. That boy could multi-task like no other.
"Do you think I'd make a good Auror?"
That got his attention.
His eyes snapped up to mine. "Why?" he asked.
"Well, next year is our last, and we need to figure out what we want to do when we leave. And with everything that's been going on, all the attacks and death and impending war. I don't want to be on the sidelines watching it all happen. I want to help. Becoming an Auror seems to be the best way."
He was silent for a bit before giving me a sad smile. "I think you'd be a great Auror, Lils," he said.
"Thanks, James," I said, giving his hand a squeeze and returning to my work.
"I'd rather you didn't," he whispered. I barely heard him. "I don't want to see you get hurt. I don't want to watch you die."
I stared at him in shock, but he never looked up. He never meant for me to hear him, and he didn't think I had.
His confession kept me up all night. He cared so much. He didn't want me to get hurt. The situation reminded me of the previous year with Remus but more serious.
Did James still like me? Did he want to protect me because he had feelings for me?
At breakfast the next morning, I accosted my insider. I pulled him away from his plate, saying "I need to talk to you," while he sputtered complaints.
I stopped in a corridor off the Great Hall, not wanting anyone to overhear.
"I was eating," Peter said, looking positively indignant but failing to look threatening. "I hope this is important."
"Does James still have a crush on me?"
The furious expression vanished, he uncrossed his arms, and a look resembling pity appeared.
"Oh, Lily…"
"Just answer the question."
He winced slightly. "Not anymore."
Was that a pang of disappointment I just felt?
"He was using this year to get over you," Peter continued. "And he told us just recently that he had."
Why, after five or six years of chasing after one girl, would you quit when you've become friends with that girl instead of enemies? It didn't make any sense.
"Thanks, Peter," I said, walking away.
"But, Lily…"
"I have to study. See you later." I didn't look back.
It didn't make any sense. None whatsoever.
That summer I tried to get the confusion that was James Potter out of my head, but instead he consumed my thoughts.
We wrote each other often and visited the other just as often. I told him about Petunia's engagement and how much I disliked my soon-to-be brother-in-law. He told me about the Hufflepuff girl that moved to his neighborhood that he was thinking of asking out. There were no secrets between us. Except one, but I wasn't planning on telling him anytime soon, especially because he didn't like me anymore.
He came to me with all his girl questions, since I would "know more about girls than Sirius, Remus, and Peter combined." I just had to laugh when James told me that. Of course I would know more about girls; I am one.
At the beginning of July, all my knowledge and advice came together and resulted in a very happy James. I got a letter from him telling me to come over as soon as I got it. I began to worry about what had gone wrong, but then I read the post script: "And it's nothing bad, so don't worry." I laughed slightly. He knew me too well.
I borrowed the car from my mom and made the twenty minute drive to James' place. I knocked on the door, expecting the Potter's house elf to answer. The door burst open, and I was clasped to a very firm male chest before I had even seen his face.
"Lily! I am so glad you're here," James said, his lips close to my ear.
I pulled back to see the huge smile on James' face. "Hi, James. It's good to see you too. Now what's so important that you had me rush over here?"
"She said yes." James looked like a child at Christmas time, ready to rip into his presents.
"Who is she? And what did she say yes to?" I asked.
"Christine. She agreed to be my girlfriend."
"That's great, James," I said, giving him a quick hug. "I told you she would."
No one could say no to the Potter charm. Even if they denied it for years.
"And it's all because of you," he said. "I wouldn't have been able to do it without your help."
"You would have been just fine without me."
"Not true."
He looked so happy.
"I want you to meet her," he said.
"Definitely. I would love to meet her."
Lie.
"Great. She's in back."
Wait. What?
"She's here? Right now?" I tried to speak normally.
"Yup. Remus, Sirius, and Peter are keeping her company."
"Poor girl," I said and James laughed.
No, not poor her. Poor me!
James pulled me through the front door, the house, and the back door, letting the door slam behind us. Everyone's eyes focused on us. Even hers.
Oh, hell.
She was gorgeous.
"Christine, this is Lily. Lily, Christine."
She had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. When she shook my hand, it was firm, not dainty like most girls. And then she immediately brought me into a hug.
"It's so nice to finally meet you," she said, releasing me.
Finally? She and James had only been dating for maybe three weeks and only official for a day or two.
"James has told me so much about you," she continued.
I looked at him, wary.
He held his hands up in surrender. "All good. I promise," he said.
Christine sat me down in a seat next to hers. She started firing off questions about my likes and dislikes, my time as prefect, my friendship with the Marauders, and many more but always staying away from anything too personal.
"Favorite book?" she asked.
"Pride and Prejudice, no contest."
"Really? I love that book!"
"You've read Jane Austen?" I didn't know many Purebloods who read books by Muggle authors.
"Of course. It's a classic. And Mr. Darcy is so wonderful."
Sirius scoffed behind her. "Darcy is an arrogant git. Much like someone I used to know." He motioned toward James, who smacked him over the head. "He only fell in love with Elizabeth because she denied him."
"That is not true," I exclaimed. "He fell in love with her spirit but was too proud to admit he fell in love with someone below his station which his family frowned upon."
"I completely agree with Lily," Christine said.
"You would," replied Sirius.
Christine and I shared the same look.
"Boys," I said, rolling my eyes, and we both laughed.
The afternoon progressed quite nicely, as it usually did with the Marauders. We laughed, ate, and thoroughly enjoyed the summer heat, but as the sun dipped lower on the horizon our numbers began to dwindle. Christine, Remus, and Peter had to get home, leaving me with James and Sirius.
Sirius disappeared as James and I started picking up all the glasses, plates, and other stuff we'd accumulated during our time outside. James sent a playful glare at Sirius' back as the latter waltzed into the house with empty arms.
"Useless," James murmured. "I don't know why I keep him around."
I laughed to myself. Those two acted so much like brothers they should be family.
James and I cleaned up our mess and sat down at the table with a bottle of Butterbeer as our reward.
"So what do you think of Christine?" James asked, sipping at his bottle.
She's absolutely perfect, I thought.
James laughed. "She's not perfect."
Shit. I said that out loud. My mouth needed to learn when to keep shut.
"But she's pretty great. Yeah?" he continued.
I nodded. "Yeah. She's really nice, and she seems to get along with the guys."
"I could say the same for you two," James said.
Christine and I had fallen into an easy camaraderie. It was kind of nice. We were a lot alike but we had enough different views that our conversation never stopped. There was always something one of us could add onto. And we formed a sort of alliance against the boys. We picked on them as much as they picked on us. The odds weren't exactly in our favor, but it was better having the two of us against the four boys instead of just me against the four.
"Sometimes there's just too much testosterone around you boys. The extra estrogen is a nice change," I said.
"Completely understandable."
"I'm glad you agree. Sometimes you guys can get a little crazy. Reckless even."
James looked mock-offended. "We are not reckless."
That made me laugh. "What do you call playing chicken on your brooms?"
"Fun."
"Until I have to rush one or both of you to St. Mungo's. I swear, one day, you boys will hear a little voice in your head telling you not to do something because it's dangerous, and that voice will be mine."
"And that's why we keep you around." James was smirking.
Thankfully he was within arms reach. So I hit him.
"Ouch," he said, holding his shoulder.
"Oh, you big baby. That did not hurt."
"I think it's bruising."
"Should I see if I can really make it bruise?" I raised my fist again, ready to strike.
"I don't think so," James said. He grabbed me and lifted me off my feet, my arms tucked securely against my body.
"James, put me down," I said. He was carrying me through the house, toward the back.
"Nope. You need to cool down." He kicked open the back door and strode purposefully toward their pond.
"James," I said with a warning in my voice. I knew exactly what he was planning on doing.
"Lily?" That smirk was on his lips again, even if I couldn't see it.
"Don't you dare."
"Too late," he said. Before I could protest again, he had thrown me into the pond.
"James Potter!" I screeched, shaking my wet hair from my face. That jerk had the nerve to roll around on the grass laughing.
"James? What did you do?" Mrs. Potter popped her head out the back door in time to see me hauling my drenched body out of the pond and James having a laughing fit.
"Nothing, mum." The hyena finally stopped laughing. "Just showing Lily a little tool for her anger management."
"I'll show you anger management," I said, running at his still sitting form, knocking him onto his back and plopping myself down on his stomach, punching him in the chest and shoulders without any strength behind the blows.
I could hear his mum laughing in the background.
James grabbed my wrists and flipped me off of him, lifting himself to a standing position before helping me up as well.
"I told you that you needed cooling off," he whispered into my ear.
A shiver ran down my spine.
"James, let Lily come into the house and dry off. She'll get pneumonia, and it'll be all your fault," Mrs. Potter said.
"That's not true," James said. "It's just that she likes you more than me."
James threw an arm across my shoulders and led me toward the house, where Mrs. Potter said a quick spell that dried me entirely.
"Thanks, Mrs. Potter," I said.
"You're welcome, and you can call me Sarah. There's no need to be so formal. You've become almost a permanent fixture in this household. And, believe me, we need the extra estrogen."
"I told James the same thing."
Mrs. Potter laughed lightly and invited me to stay for dinner. I accepted and went with her to the kitchen to help prepare the meal. Even though the Potters had a house elf, Mrs. Potter made most of the meals herself because she enjoyed cooking so much. She sent James off to do whatever he pleased, so it was just the two of us.
"So, Lily, are you dating anyone?"
For some reason, I had no problem discussing boys with Mrs. Potter.
"Not at the moment," I answered.
"Has anyone caught your eye?"
"Yes."
"Really?" She was smiling widely and appeared many years younger than she was. "Do tell."
I felt like I was talking to one of my girl friends instead of my friend's mother. Little did I know but this woman would become a mother figure to me and a wonderful confidante.
"Well," I started. "He's a great guy. Things are never dull when he's around." I felt a smile start to appear before I stopped it. "But he's completely oblivious to the fact that I've started falling for him."
Mrs. Potter put a hand on my shoulder. Her voice was soothing when she said, "Boys can be blind sometimes. Just give him some time to realize it."
That was going to take more time than I had the patience for, but I nodded anyway.
Stupid blind boys.
Instead of waiting for him to open his eyes and see that I had fallen for him, I decided to move on and get over that crush.
Easier said than done.
It had been almost two months and I was no closer to getting rid of that crush than I was when I decided to do so in the first place. But I was quite good at hiding my feelings. No one was aware of them, except me. And it would stay that way, unless his relationship status suddenly changed, and even then I don't know if I had the courage to say anything to him.
I continued going about life as I had been, including hanging out with the Marauders and Christine. Our Hogwarts letters and book lists had just arrived, and the six of us decided to meet in Diagon Alley to get our supplies. Plus, I wanted all of them together when I shared that I had been chosen as Head Girl.
I couldn't have been happier. I just hoped one of my Gryffindor boys was made Head Boy. I knew it probably wouldn't happen. Dumbledore had been professing school unity the past couple of years and having both Head Students from the same House would not help this goal. There would probably be a rebellion amongst the Slytherins. I shook all these thoughts from my head and made my way to Diagon Alley.
Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour was our meet-up destination. Remus and Peter were already there when I arrived, saving a table with enough seats for the six of us. Neither of them said anything about Head Boy, but I figured maybe they were waiting for everyone to get there.
We didn't have to wait long for James, Sirius, and Christine. They were only a minute or two behind me. We got our ice cream, ate up, and started roaming from shop to shop. Still no one said a word about the Head Student appointments. I was about to burst.
"I have good news," I sputtered during the middle of a completely unrelated conversation.
All eyes swiveled to me, waiting for me to continue. My lips turned up into a huge smile, and I said, "I got Head Girl."
There was a chorus of replies, including, "Congrats," "That's great, Lily," and "I knew you'd get it." I couldn't contain my excitement.
The best response was from James. At first, he said nothing, just smiled that amazing smile, which turned into that infamous grin of his. Then, he said, "I guess this is as good a time as any." It felt like he was only looking at me. "I'm Head Boy."
"Really?" I asked, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't joking.
"Yup. You're stuck with me all year."
I'm pretty sure that's when I let out a high-pitched squeal and threw my arms around his neck, hugging him tight. He hugged me back, and I could feel him smiling into my hair.
"This is amazing," I said, dropping my arms and backing up a step or two. "Dumbledore is officially off his rocker for making two Gryffindors the Head Students, especially one of the Marauders, but I'm so glad he did."
Nobody else was able to say anything until I had stopped my over-excited rant.
Christine gave him a peck on the cheek, and my smile dropped just a fraction. The boys patted him on the back.
"We are going to get away with so much this year," Sirius said.
"No way," I said. "You are not using this position to your advantage."
"Come on, Lily," he begged. "You're Head Girl. James is Head Boy. Remus is a prefect. This situation is calling for grand pranks."
"It's not going to happen." He seemed to deflate in front of me. We started walking again, and I came up to Sirius' side, whispering, "Don't let me catch you."
He got that mischievous glint in his eyes and there was a bit of a bounce in his step. I had just made Sirius' day. And Christine was about to make me rethink mine.
I couldn't read her facial expression as she walked beside me, but I could tell something was on her mind.
"Lily?" she asked. "I was just wondering… well… you're going to be spending a lot of time with James for Head duties, right?"
Uh, oh. Yeah. I had completely forgotten about that.
I tried to limit my time alone with that boy. It was so much harder to get over him when there weren't other people around to take my mind off of him.
"Not too much," I said. "We work so well together that it shouldn't take too long for us to finish our duties." It sounded like I was trying to convince myself, didn't it?
Christine didn't pick up on it. "That's true," she said. "I was just worried that he wouldn't have enough time for me with NEWT level classes, being Quidditch Captain, and Head duties."
"I don't think it'll be a problem. James has gotten good at managing his time," I said. Plus, I would be helping us both out by pushing him toward her.
She and I had completely different problems. She was worried that she wouldn't have enough time with James, and I was worried that I would have too much.
But I couldn't pull away from him because he would know something was wrong.
I was probably over thinking the situation, but I couldn't help it.
I was stuck.
And I was still stuck a few weeks later when I lugged my truck onto Platform 9 ¾.
The scarlet engine billowed smoke as it had for the past six years, and people rushed about, saying goodbye to family and reuniting with old friends. It felt good to be going back, even if it was for my last year.
I watched the younger ones, with their big eyes and slack jaws, and knew I had looked like that once. It seemed like so much had changed since then.
I pushed myself forward, through the crowd and toward the Hogwarts Express. I dumped my trunk into the compartment reserved for the Head Students and prefects and rushed back out onto the platform. I hoped that I hadn't missed any of my friends arriving.
I was looking around when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist, lifting me off the ground and twirling me around.
"Lily! I missed you!" My assailant said, finally putting me back down when I couldn't see straight.
"James, you saw me yesterday," I said, my eyes starting to refocus.
"I know."
He grinned at me before taking off, to where I didn't know, but he left me wobbling and off balance, the result of his sudden departure. Two hands steadied me.
"You okay, Lily?" Remus asked on my left side.
"Yeah. Your face is red and your eyes are kind of glazed," Sirius said on my right.
"I'm fine," I answered, feeling the heat in my cheeks. "It's just a little hot in here."
Sirius and Remus looked at each other, and I knew they were trying to figure out why I was lying. There was blinking and nodding and no words.
"Stop doing that silent communication thing that you boys always do!" They were now looking at me instead of each other, therefore no non-verbal conversations. "I'm fine. Perfectly fine."
Their eyes met again, and Remus looked off in the direction James had run off in. Sirius nodded and his lips started twisting up into a grin.
Oh, boy. Not good. Bail out. Now!
"Well, I gotta go. Bye."
I got away from them as fast as I could. They were going to start asking questions, questions I couldn't and wouldn't answer. And it was all because James caught me off guard. I didn't have enough time to put up my shield before he came and left. He couldn't do that to me! Especially when his mates were nearby.
That knowing smirk that was appearing on Sirius' face before I escaped spelled disaster. He would tell his very true conclusions to James and then Plan Get-over-James-before-anyone-finds-out-you've-finally-fallen-for-him-and-make-a-complete-fool-out-of-youself would be ruined.
Merlin. I needed a new plan name.
I tried to think of the best way to avoid the boy without him becoming suspicious, but it turned out that I didn't have to. He knew nothing. Sirius and Remus hadn't told him anything. I knew I was friends with them for a reason.
Now James, on the other hand, was a different story. He was driving me crazy. But not like he used to. This was a much different type of crazy. Not the want-to-pull-your-hair-out-and-scream crazy but the skin-turns-to-fire-whenever-he-touches-you-even-if-it's-meant-to-be-platonic crazy.
I couldn't take it.
That boy was a basket full of mixed signals. He would put his hand on the small of my back when we walked somewhere, and he would give me these hugs that felt like he didn't want to let me go. And, yet, he was still completely faithful to Christine. They never fought or had rough patches. They were perfect.
But then why was he acting like that around me? He never did that to Christine.
It didn't seem right. And I couldn't explain the feeling to anyone.
I tried to but failed.
"I think you're being ridiculous, Lily," Lexi said. "James and Christine are doing great, and it makes sense that he feels comfortable with you since you and he are so close."
"But this isn't friendship stuff we're talking about. This is bordering on romantic." I was so flustered. They didn't get it.
"You're seeing things where they aren't. And I'm going to bed."
I crossed my arms over my chest, resorting to my thirteen-year-old ways.
Good for nothing mates. Wasn't I going to replace them?
I guess I kind of did with the Marauders. But they were giving me just as many problems. Well, one of them was.
James and I had patrol one night. We talked for the majority of it, but once in a while we grew quiet and a companionable silence fell over us. He would put his hand on the small of my back to lead me down another corridor, and he would take my hand when my speed would lag and I started to fall behind but he did not drop my hand immediately after I caught up instead he held it a few moments longer than needed or appropriate. I looked at him each time this happened, and nothing registered on his face or in his body language. It was as if he didn't realize he was doing it.
I wanted to say something but I feared the awkwardness that was likely to stem from that conversation. So I kept my mouth shut.
We got back to Gryffindor Tower without having seen a single student out of bed. The only ones awake were either very good at not getting caught, in bed, or lounging in their respective common rooms.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was go to bed.
I let out a long yawn before saying, "Good night, James."
"G'night, Lily," he said, before kissing me on the cheek and walking off to the boys' dormitories.
My jaw dropped and I was no longer tired.
Did he just…?
My cheek burned where his lips had touched.
I rushed over to where the other three Marauders were sitting and plopped myself into a seat, saying, "Did you see what he just did?"
"Who?" Sirius asked.
"What?" Remus added.
"When?" said Peter.
I smacked all three of them in quick succession.
"She's in one of those moods," Sirius said. I brought my arm back to hit him again, but he threw his arms up and begged, "Please don't hit me again."
I put my arm down and proceeded to bury my face in my hands.
"Okay, Lily, what's going on?" Remus asked.
"He's driving me crazy!" I said, lifting my head up.
"Who?" asked Peter.
"James. He's being way too friendly. And not just because we're close. It's not that kind of friendly," I rambled. "It's that bordering on romantic kind of friendly, where he's always putting his hand on the small of my back and holding my hand. I don't think he realizes he's doing it. And just now he kissed me."
"What!" All three boys yelled.
"He kissed you?" Sirius asked.
"On the cheek, but yeah." They seemed to relax a little bit. "But that's still not all right. I mean, a kiss is a kiss, right?"
They were looking at each other, doing their silent communication thing.
"Guys? You don't think I'm overreacting or seeing things that aren't there, do you?"
No answer.
I watched as they held their own conversation in front of me that greatly confused me.
"You don't think…"
"Yeah, but why…"
"Wouldn't he tell us?"
"No secrets among Marauders."
It was as if they were speaking only in riddles.
"Guys!" They finally looked at me. "What are you talking about?"
"Marauder business," said Sirius with a smirk. "You'll find out soon enough."
That doesn't help me.
"But what about—"
He interrupted me. "Nothing to worry about. We got it figured out. G'night, Lily."
"But—"
"Good night." All three fled up to the boys' dormitories.
The sigh that escaped was full of frustration.
Why couldn't they just tell me what was going on? They obviously knew but decided to keep me in the dark, and I was left to make up reasons for myself. Not a good idea. They should have told me to prevent me from occupying a room in the insanity ward in St. Mungo's for the rest of my life.
Ugh!
Stupid boys.
--- --- ---
The End
--- --- ---
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed it. It's a bit different than what I usually write, but I had fun with this one. I'd love to hear what you all think. R & R please!