Daily Non-Prophet Searching For Amusing Advice Columnist

Do you find yourself telling people how to live their lives? Giving unwanted insight? Do you love telling people they're wrong? Are you actually any good at it? Are you at all humorous? If you answered, "yes" to the first three questions, "no" to the forth one, and "yes" to the last one, you're perfect for the job of the Daily Non-Prophet's advice columnist. You see, unlike the Daily Prophet and other competing newspapers, we would rather have a witty and amusing advice columnist than a particularity good one. Fuck Dear Abby! (Muggle advice columnist.) We want something better, something different. If you're interested fill out an application (all information given on page seven).

It was an advertisement posted in the Great Hall that was torn out of a newspaper, and students coming down to breakfast were crowding around the sign.

"I don't need to go to my career advice meeting now!" Exclaimed a fifth year Hufflepuff. "I found my career, being an advice columnist!"

"Come off it! You'd be exactly like that "Dear Abby" they talked about. I'm sending in a parody of the Daily Prophet's advice column. It would make sense because the Daily Non-Prophet is obviously a parody of the Daily Prophet."

"You both are as dull as Binns! You would make horrible entertaining advice columnists, although you would make good normal ones!"

"Oh look, the little kiddies are fighting!" Said a cackling voice. Everyone looked up and saw Peeves the Poltergeist hovering above them.

"I will get the job, no questions about it little noobs! It'll be called Ask Peeves, and if you write in a question praising your supreme ruler, I might refrain from chucking ink pellets at you for entire week! He he he!"

And before anyone could say anything, he flew swooped away laughing madly to himself.

"He's not going to get it." Said Hermione, "They might not want a typical advice columnist, but I think Peeves just a little too untypical, besides that would be copying Ask Jeeves."

"What?" Asked Harry and Ron in unison.

"Oh nothing you two would understand. I wonder why Dumbledore put that add up, it doesn't seem like anything relevant to Hogwarts." She replied as they took a seat at the Gryffindor table.

The following mourning Hermione was reading the newest edition of the Daily Non-Prophet, when she almost spilled her breakfast down her robes in shock.

Oh my god. Harry, Ron read this.

Amusing Advice Columnist Found Already!

After only 24 hours of looking for the perfect advice columnist for this newspaper, we have found and selected a man named Peeves to answer all of your "important" questions. The name of his column will undoubtedly be called Ask Peeves. This is an interview done with the pissed off man himself:

Daily Non-Prophet: How are you doing today?

Peeves: Terrible. And now I have to do this stupid interview.

Daily Non-Prophet: Why has your day been so bad?

Peeves: Well those little shits down the street are at it again. I had to get rid of the gnomes they threw in my yard. The damn Ministry of Magic won't do anything about it either, because "they're just kids." Bullshit, it's total bullshit.

Daily Non-Prophet: That sucks!

Peeves: Tell me about it, asshole. I should hire an Auror, that'll get rid of those damn kids once and for all.

Daily Non-Prophet: Sounds like a plan. So tell us about how you came to work at the Daily Non-Prophet.

Peeves: I had just gotten fired from my last job for sticking my wand up my boss' ass when I saw your add, and needed some cash. End of story.

Daily Non-Prophet: We're almost out of space here. Anything else you'd like to say?

Peeves: No. Get lost.

"Sounds like Peeves got the job then." Said Harry.

"Don't be an idiot, Harry. Said Hermione, "That sounds just the opposite of Peeves, he's the one who annoys, not the one who is annoyed."

"Sounds a hell of a lot like Filch." Harry commented, "Do you think he's playing some kind of joke on Peeves?"

"Filch couldn't do that, he doesn't have a sense of humor." Said Ron.

"But it wasn't funny, Ron." Hermione stated.

"What the hell are you talking about? That's going to be one hilarious advice column."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is! That's why it can't be Filch!"

"It's not funny, therefore it has a strong possibility of being Filch!"

"You just think that because you're not funny yourself!"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BOTH OF YOU? My god! You're making me sound like Peeves now. Yelled Harry.

"Here," said Ron taking the newspaper and turning the page, "Peeves tells you how to send him a question, and I'm writing one.

They next page said:


Ask Peeves a Question

Got a question for me? Send it to me. But you'd better not send me some stupid crap; it has to be an ADVICE question.

Got that, moron? And you don't want to make yourself look like a tool: check your damn spelling and grammar.

Address to put on your pointless letters: Peeves at the Daily Non-Prophet

"I'm writing him now. Said Ron getting out a quill and parchment, "maybe it'll be the first question in his column, ever!"

"Yes, that would be quite a remarkable achievement." Said Hermione sarcastically.

If you want Peeves to answer your question in following chapters write one as a review, send me a message, or e-mail it to me. (Address in my profile.)